The corpses of Tion Frey and Willem Lannister are laying on the floor next to Robb Stark’s throne. Both are young boys.
Robb: DAFUQ happened here?
Greatjon Umber brings forward Lord Rickard Karstark and four of his men, all in chains.
Edmure Tully: Karstark murdered this Frey and this Lannister in cold blood. Not only that, but he murdered two of my own men in Riverrun to get to them. Prison guards where they were being held.
Robb: Rickard! Literally… WHAT… THE… FUCK?
Karstark: The Lannisters killed my sons, and so I kill theirs in return.
Robb: This is MURDER.
Karstark: THIS IS JUSTICE!
Leonidas: THIS IS SPARTA!
Robb: Killing innocent squire boys in a jail cell is NOT equal to how your own sons died… bravely on the battlefield. I know because I was there and fought next to your sons. There is a difference between war and murder.
Karstark: It was not my intention to kill boys. But I deserved revenge on Jaime Lannister. Unfortunately, your bitch mother deprived me of that revenge by freeing him. Only blood can pay for blood.
Everyone then looks at Cat. She just sort of shrugs. But on the inside… she feels a little guilty. Would these two young boys still be alive if she hadn’t freed Jaime? Was she the cause of all this?
Robb: Lord Rickard, what you did here today is treason.
Karstark: Hahaha. How can it be TREASON to kill our enemies… but it NOT be treason to free them? If anyone here is guilty of treason, it’s YO MOMMA.
Everyone: OOOOOOOoOOOOOOooooo!
Greatjon: You want me to gut this asshole for you, your majesty?
Robb: No. I will handle this mys—
But just as Robb is about to say something, he’s interrupted by the return of the Blackfish, Ser Brynden Tully.
Blackfish: We must speak privately.
Robb: Okay.
The two begin to walk off to go to speak privately, bringing along Cat and Edmure.
Greatjon: Wait! Before you go… what do we do with these prisoners?
Robb: Hang everyone except for Karstark. I have my own plans for him.
One of the Prisoners: But I didn’t kill nobody! I was only standing watch for the rest of them!
Robb: Hrm. Good point. You will be hanged last. So you can watch all of the others die. Since you like watching so much. Punk ass bitch.
Everyone: OOOOOOOoOOOOOOooooo!
King Robb and his Tully family then retire to some private room.
Blackfish: Karstark’s men are all deserting now, ever since he was arrested. That’s hundreds of more soldiers we’ve lost. That in addition to all the Freys we lost before.
Robb: Oh, cool. Cool. I guess now we’re TOTALLY SURROUNDED BY ENEMIES. Except to the east where we have the completely useless Vale with my aunt, who won’t even join the war.
Cat: Yes. We will never hear back from Lysa. She’s as useless as a sack of sugar to a diabetic. I’ve sent her letters. No response.
Robb: And I haven’t heard anything back from Ser Rodrick either. Odd. I mean… he’s gotta still be alive, right? No way would they kill off Rodrick! And Walder Frey has ignored me too. Obviously.
Edmure: You know, we can probably keep these murders a secret. If the Lannisters find out about them… there will be hell to pay!
Robb: If I am to be a true king, then I must represent truth, justice and honesty. If I hide the truth and scheme, then I’m no better than the villains we’re fighting. We must let the Lannisters know what happened here… and that the culprits behind it have been punished.
Edmure: And what about Lord Karstark’s son, Harrion? We should keep him as a hostage to ensure the Karstarks don’t attack us. Better yet, we should just not execute Lord Rickard.
Robb: Rickard killed more than just those boys. He killed my honor. You know, I thought it would be easy to be a good king. I’d just be loyal to my friends and brutal to my enemies. But now I can barely tell the difference between the two. Karstark must die.
The next day, the court has gathered for Lord Karstark’s execution.
Robb: Just as my father, Ned, used to say… we Starks roll hard. If you’re man enough to sentence a man to death… you’ve got to be man enough to carry out the sentence yourself.
Robb picks up his sword.
Robb: Lord Rickard Karstark, I sentence you to death by beheading. Do you have any final words?
Karstark: Let my final words be a long story about the history of the Karstarks and Starks. About how we share blood and are really one family. You see, the Karstarks are an offshoot of the Stark family, dating back to---
--Robb cuts his head off.
Robb: That story was boring.
Later that afternoon, Cat goes to her father’s solar. Hoster Tully is clearly now on his deathbed.
Cat: I’m actually super surprised that he’s not dead yet. How many damn chapters has this guy been “dying” for?
As she looks over her fading father, Queen Jeyne Westerling.
Cat: Oh, hey Jeyne.
Jeyne: Look. This is a little bit of an… uhm… delicate question I have for you. I need some advise related Robb.
Cat: Uh huh, go on.
Jeyne: It just seems like I’m unable to make him happy.
Cat: Have you tried anal yet?
Jeyne: WHAT?!
Cat: I’m just saying.
Jeyne: No, no, no. I mean… like… he just seems to be angry all the time now. He’s miserable. He’s fighting war… imprisoning and executing his own men. He’s so sad and depressed. I try to make him feel better, but nothing seems to work.
Cat: Ah, I see where you’re going with this. Well, Jeyne, sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. Just leave him be and give him his space. When he’s ready to come around to you… he’ll come around to you.
Jeyne: Really? Oh wow! Thanks for the great advice.
Cat: That and give him an heir.
Jeyne: Well that would seemingly contradict your advice about keeping my distance from him. I’d obviously have to be with him to make that happen. It would also contradict your advice about anal. I might not be that experienced, but even I know that won’t work.
Cat: Oh. You thought I was referring to him penetrating you anally, huh? Hahaha, no. Haven’t you heard of strap-ons?
Jeyne: Gross. Why would you think your son is into that?
Cat: Mother’s instinct.
Jeyne: Anyway, we are TRYING for children, for sure. I hope we have two boys! I’ll name them Eddard and Brandon.
Cat: Aww, that’s so sweet. After my husband and son who were brutally murdered.
Jeyne: It’s going to be so great being a mother! Me and Robb raising our children together as a big, happy family!
Cat: Yep, and I’ll love being a grandmother!
Jeyne: Correct, because you will still be quite alive after page 705 of this book. Mass trade paperback edition, I’m (of course) referring to.
Robb: DAFUQ happened here?
Greatjon Umber brings forward Lord Rickard Karstark and four of his men, all in chains.
Edmure Tully: Karstark murdered this Frey and this Lannister in cold blood. Not only that, but he murdered two of my own men in Riverrun to get to them. Prison guards where they were being held.
Robb: Rickard! Literally… WHAT… THE… FUCK?
Karstark: The Lannisters killed my sons, and so I kill theirs in return.
Robb: This is MURDER.
Karstark: THIS IS JUSTICE!
Leonidas: THIS IS SPARTA!
Robb: Killing innocent squire boys in a jail cell is NOT equal to how your own sons died… bravely on the battlefield. I know because I was there and fought next to your sons. There is a difference between war and murder.
Karstark: It was not my intention to kill boys. But I deserved revenge on Jaime Lannister. Unfortunately, your bitch mother deprived me of that revenge by freeing him. Only blood can pay for blood.
Everyone then looks at Cat. She just sort of shrugs. But on the inside… she feels a little guilty. Would these two young boys still be alive if she hadn’t freed Jaime? Was she the cause of all this?
Robb: Lord Rickard, what you did here today is treason.
Karstark: Hahaha. How can it be TREASON to kill our enemies… but it NOT be treason to free them? If anyone here is guilty of treason, it’s YO MOMMA.
Everyone: OOOOOOOoOOOOOOooooo!
Greatjon: You want me to gut this asshole for you, your majesty?
Robb: No. I will handle this mys—
But just as Robb is about to say something, he’s interrupted by the return of the Blackfish, Ser Brynden Tully.
Blackfish: We must speak privately.
Robb: Okay.
The two begin to walk off to go to speak privately, bringing along Cat and Edmure.
Greatjon: Wait! Before you go… what do we do with these prisoners?
Robb: Hang everyone except for Karstark. I have my own plans for him.
One of the Prisoners: But I didn’t kill nobody! I was only standing watch for the rest of them!
Robb: Hrm. Good point. You will be hanged last. So you can watch all of the others die. Since you like watching so much. Punk ass bitch.
Everyone: OOOOOOOoOOOOOOooooo!
King Robb and his Tully family then retire to some private room.
Blackfish: Karstark’s men are all deserting now, ever since he was arrested. That’s hundreds of more soldiers we’ve lost. That in addition to all the Freys we lost before.
Robb: Oh, cool. Cool. I guess now we’re TOTALLY SURROUNDED BY ENEMIES. Except to the east where we have the completely useless Vale with my aunt, who won’t even join the war.
Cat: Yes. We will never hear back from Lysa. She’s as useless as a sack of sugar to a diabetic. I’ve sent her letters. No response.
Robb: And I haven’t heard anything back from Ser Rodrick either. Odd. I mean… he’s gotta still be alive, right? No way would they kill off Rodrick! And Walder Frey has ignored me too. Obviously.
Edmure: You know, we can probably keep these murders a secret. If the Lannisters find out about them… there will be hell to pay!
Robb: If I am to be a true king, then I must represent truth, justice and honesty. If I hide the truth and scheme, then I’m no better than the villains we’re fighting. We must let the Lannisters know what happened here… and that the culprits behind it have been punished.
Edmure: And what about Lord Karstark’s son, Harrion? We should keep him as a hostage to ensure the Karstarks don’t attack us. Better yet, we should just not execute Lord Rickard.
Robb: Rickard killed more than just those boys. He killed my honor. You know, I thought it would be easy to be a good king. I’d just be loyal to my friends and brutal to my enemies. But now I can barely tell the difference between the two. Karstark must die.
The next day, the court has gathered for Lord Karstark’s execution.
Robb: Just as my father, Ned, used to say… we Starks roll hard. If you’re man enough to sentence a man to death… you’ve got to be man enough to carry out the sentence yourself.
Robb picks up his sword.
Robb: Lord Rickard Karstark, I sentence you to death by beheading. Do you have any final words?
Karstark: Let my final words be a long story about the history of the Karstarks and Starks. About how we share blood and are really one family. You see, the Karstarks are an offshoot of the Stark family, dating back to---
--Robb cuts his head off.
Robb: That story was boring.
Later that afternoon, Cat goes to her father’s solar. Hoster Tully is clearly now on his deathbed.
Cat: I’m actually super surprised that he’s not dead yet. How many damn chapters has this guy been “dying” for?
As she looks over her fading father, Queen Jeyne Westerling.
Cat: Oh, hey Jeyne.
Jeyne: Look. This is a little bit of an… uhm… delicate question I have for you. I need some advise related Robb.
Cat: Uh huh, go on.
Jeyne: It just seems like I’m unable to make him happy.
Cat: Have you tried anal yet?
Jeyne: WHAT?!
Cat: I’m just saying.
Jeyne: No, no, no. I mean… like… he just seems to be angry all the time now. He’s miserable. He’s fighting war… imprisoning and executing his own men. He’s so sad and depressed. I try to make him feel better, but nothing seems to work.
Cat: Ah, I see where you’re going with this. Well, Jeyne, sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. Just leave him be and give him his space. When he’s ready to come around to you… he’ll come around to you.
Jeyne: Really? Oh wow! Thanks for the great advice.
Cat: That and give him an heir.
Jeyne: Well that would seemingly contradict your advice about keeping my distance from him. I’d obviously have to be with him to make that happen. It would also contradict your advice about anal. I might not be that experienced, but even I know that won’t work.
Cat: Oh. You thought I was referring to him penetrating you anally, huh? Hahaha, no. Haven’t you heard of strap-ons?
Jeyne: Gross. Why would you think your son is into that?
Cat: Mother’s instinct.
Jeyne: Anyway, we are TRYING for children, for sure. I hope we have two boys! I’ll name them Eddard and Brandon.
Cat: Aww, that’s so sweet. After my husband and son who were brutally murdered.
Jeyne: It’s going to be so great being a mother! Me and Robb raising our children together as a big, happy family!
Cat: Yep, and I’ll love being a grandmother!
Jeyne: Correct, because you will still be quite alive after page 705 of this book. Mass trade paperback edition, I’m (of course) referring to.
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