Arya, Gendry, and their captors (The Brotherhood without Banners) spend the night in Castle Lychester, with Lymond Lychester, an old knight and the last in the line of a small house.
Lymond: I lost all my sons in Robert’s Rebellion. My house will die after I am gone. But I still have my glory. Why I remember this one time I fought in a battle against Ser Maynard. There we were on a bridge when—
Arya: --Okay, we’re just staying at your place for the night. No reason for any extensive backstory about you. We’ll never see or hear from your character again.
Lymond: Aww. Hey. Too bad about that Lord Beric, huh?
Lem: What about Beric?
Lymond: I heard he was hung.
Lem: Well, his dick is pretty large.
Lymond: Huh?
Lem: Uhh... uhh... I mean he’s better now. From the hanging!
Lymond: Huh?
Lem: He was hanged but he’s better now.
Lymond: What do you mean by that? You mean Thoros cut him down or something? Before he died?
Lem: Sure. Let’s go with that. Thoros got there in time and cut him down BEFORE he died. Right.
They then leave and go to find the “Lady of the Leaves.”
Arya: Lady of the Leaves? Why does this sound like she’s a character in some sort of medieval fantasy story?
Greenbeard: Uh, because this is a medieval fantasy story.
Arya: Ah, right. Right.
The Lady of the Leaves winds up being an old, thin white-haired lady who lives in a Riverlands village that rests in the trees.
Anguy: Psst! Lady of the Leaves. Tell us where Lord Beric is.
Arya: Why do you have to keep asking all these people where Beric is? Don’t you work for Beric? Shouldn’t you know where he’s at?
Lady of the Leaves: It matters not. I hear the Mountain caught Lord Beric and killed him He stabbed him in the eye with a knife.
Lem: Ah, but he didn’t die. He’s doing fine. He just wears an eyepatch now like a pirate. It’s cool.
Lady of the Leaves: Really? You’d think someone who gets stabbed in the eye would die.
Lem: Nope. He’s totally fine.
Arya: Man. A lot of people seem to have stories about Beric being dead and murdered in various ways.
Lem: Well, none are true. He’s totes alive.
Lady of the Leaves: Well, that’s good to hear.
Arya: Nobody still answered my question about why the people who work for Beric don’t know where Beric is. Why would he hide from his own men?
Tom o’ Sevens: Well, if nobody knows where he is or what his plans are… then nobody can betray him! It’s genius, really!
Arya: No it’s not. It’s stupid. This is a stupid plot device. Just pick more trustworthy people.
Harwin: Even trustworthy men can be tortured.
Arya: Torture doesn’t work. I saw it with my own eyes. I’d see people being tortured every day by the Mountain and his henchmen.
CIA Director Gina Haspel: Sure it does! Torture is great. Just look how well Iraq and Afghanistan went.
Lem kills Gina Haspel.
And because Leaf Lady has no info, they move on and spend the next night in a looted sept.
Arya: Man, who desecrates a sept? I bet a bunch of assholes!
Harwin: It was Northmen loyal to the Starks.
Arya: Ah, I see.
Harwin: Hence what I was saying earlier. North. South. Stark. Lannister. It doesn’t matter. Nobody looks out for the smallfolk. Except for us.
Arya: This is dumb. I just want to go home. Why can’t you just take me to my mom at Riverrun?
Anguy: Maybe we will. I can take you there and make you a cool bow to shoot people with, because killing seems like it’s sort of your “thing.”
Arya: It is.
Anguy: But before that… we need to collect a ransom for you.
Arya: Why?
Anguy: It’s sort of how our business works. We catch highborn captives along the road and then ransom them off. The gold we get in return is what we use to buy our food and supplies. And we use that to defend the smallfolk.
Arya: Oh, cool. I guess.
Tom O' Sevens: Hahaha, I bet when we show up to Riverrun to ransom you, Edmure will not be happy to see me.
Arya: Why's that?
Tom O'Sevens: Ah, well your uncle Edmure hates singers, did you know that? It's because of me. I used to sing back at Riverrun, back in the day. He once was trying to mack on some girl and take her to bed. But he got super drunk and had whisky dick. So I took the girl to bed instead. Then I wrote a song about it called "Floppy Fish" that became super popular. Hahahaha. It was the best! Edmure still hates me to this day because everyone knew the song was about his flaccid penis.
Arya: Gross. I don't need to hear that about my uncle. So this kidnapping and ransoming thing you're doing. How long will this go on for? I mean… are you going to keep this up forever?
Harwin: Our journey began when Ned Stark sent us out to find and kill The Mountain. And that is when our quest will end, once the Mountain is dead.
Arya: Yeah, but will your quest keep going if the Mountain is killed but then resurrected by a disgraced Maester as Ser Robert Strong?
Everybody blinks, because they have no idea what Arya is talking about.
The next day they head to the High Heart – an ancient hill that was once sacred to the Children of the Forest. A ring of 31 weirwood stumps sit on the hill.
Arya: Why 31?
Harwin: It’s the name number of flavors as Baskin Robbins ice cream. Baskin Robbins was sacred to the Children of the Forest.
Arya: Ah.
Greenbeard: Well, it’s night now. Better rest.
Arya: It’s night now? WHAT? We just came here like four lines ago. The days and nights are changing crazy fast. This story is just chugging along.
Witch: Hi everyone. I’m a witch.
Arya: AGHH!!! WITCH!
Witch: But you can call me “The Ghost of High Heart.”
Arya: No, I think we’re just going to call you, “Witch.”
Witch: Whatever.
Tom: We actually came here on purpose, Arya. We wanted to meet the Witch. To ask her where Beric is at. She might know.
Witch: Yes, but instead of telling you where Beric is, let me tell you about my dreams and dark prophesies.
Tom: Okay. Sure.
Witch: …
Tom: Go on.
Witch: There is a charge. It’s $4.99.
Tom: Goddamnit. Can I pay you with a song instead?
Tom pulls out his acoustic guitar and starts playing “Shadow of the Day” by Linkin Park.
Witch: The old gods stir and will not let me sleep! A shadow with a burning heart butchers a golden stag! A man without a face waits on a bridge for a man with a drowned crown and seaweed. A woman comes out of a river that was once a fish!
Arya: Creepy. So are we playing that prophesy guessing game again? Okay. Fine. Here we go. The first one is Stannis killing Renly. Easy. Then we we have a faceless man killing Euron Greyjoy and Lady Stoneheart. Am I right? I’m obviously right.
They then go to sleep and wake up the next day. The witch is gone.
Arya: Well that was crazy. Who was that old hag?
Tom: Just some crazy old lady. Don’t listen to her.
Harwin: Well, this still hasn’t gotten us any closer to Beric. Damnit.
Arya: Well, we just woke up. Now it’s time to—
Greenbeard: --Nope, too late. Now the day is over already.
Arya: WHAT? Another one?
Greenbeard: Yes. And now we’ve moved on to Acorn Hall, the seat of House Smallwood.
Arya: RIP Thoren.
Greenbeard: What? Who?
Arya: Thoren Smallwood. He was just killed by a zombie bear a few chapters ago.
Greenbeard: Ah. Well that’s not the Smallwood here, obviously. Here is Lady Smallwood.
Lady Smallwood: Hi.
Arya: Hi. How exactly are you related to Thoren?
Lady Smallwood: The books never bother to explain. We’re a pretty small house so it probably wasn’t worth explaining. Actually, I’m not even really a Smallwood. My name is Ravella Swann. I just married Theomar Smallwood.
Arya: Oh.
Lady Smallwood: You’re filthy, girl. Let’s get you cleaned up and put in proper clothes.
And so Lady Smallwood forces Arya to take a shower and put on a nice dress.
Arya: Gross. I look like a girl now.
Lady Smallwood: As you should! Girls are supposed to like pretty dressed and be into things like needlework.
Arya: Oh, ahaha. I’m into needlework, all right. If you catch my drift.
Lady Smallwood: I hope you’re referring to sewing and not to stabbing people.
Arya: We’ll just leave that to your imagination.
After the bath, everyone has dinner.
Harwin: So, you probably can guess why we’re here, Lady Smallwood. We’re looking for Beric.
Lady Smallwood: Well, he and Thoros were here lest than two weeks ago, driving some sheep through. The last I heard, he was heading for the Stoney Sept down by the Threepenny Wood.
Tom: HOLY CRAP! Does somebody actually know where Beric is at? I figured we’d just keep on jumping from place to place with no answer for the next 16 chapters.
Lady Smallwood: Oh you, Tom. You’re such a miscreant. Always going around singing songs to ladies to seduce them and then having unprotected sex to produce illegitimate babies. You cad, you! You should give those girls some more TANSY TEA so that they can INDUCE ABORTIONS.
Arya: Hrm. Interesting that you mention TANSY TEA in underlined, italicized allcaps like that. I wonder if that references back to another chapter.
Lem: Well Lady Smallwood, any other important plot exposition you feel like dropping on us while we’re here?
Lady Smallwood: Ah yes, a pack of wolves came by recently. Not actual wolves. I mean Stark soldiers. They were looking for Jaime Lannister. They were wearing some symbol on their outfits that had a black and white sun on it.
Arya: Oh wow, that sounds like the Karstarks. They are close allies of the Starks and would never, ever betray us in any way.
Greenbeard: Odd that you’d say that.
Lady Smallwood: If you want to talk about betrayals, these Karstarks were talking about how Lady Cat was the real betrayer. They said that she freed Jaime Lannister and let him go.
Arya: WHAT?! NO! LIES! LIES! LIES!
Arya angrily tosses her plate of food and starts pouting.
Harwin: Okay Arya, that’s enough temper tantrums from you. Get out of here!
Arya is sent away. Gendry follows her.
Gendry: I was waiting to see if I’d get any lines in this chapter. Hey Arya, you want to come and check out the smithy here? I’m a blacksmith apprentice, so anywhere I go I like to check out what the smithy looks like.
Arya: That sounds super boring. But okay.
They go to the smithy.
Gendry: Cool, huh?
Arya: Whatever. Hey. Do what do you know about these guys that we’re being taken to? Beric and Thoros?
Gendry: Well, I don’t know much about Beric. But Thoros used to come around to my smithy back in King’s Landing. He used to buy a new sword from my master after every tournament because he’d put wildfire on it for dramatic effect. He’d fight with his sword on fire and it would scare everyone. But it was just a trick. And it totally wrecked and melted his sword. The steel was ruined.
Arya: I wish I had a flaming sword. I would kill so many people.
Gendry: Hahaha, that sounds exactly like the type of thing you’d say. But you don’t even look like you anymore. I mean look at you. You’re all cleaned up and wearing a pretty dress. You actually look like a girl. You’re kind of… uhm.. cute. Even. Yeah. *blushes* You even smell good.
Arya: Oh, I got a part of me you can smell.
Gendry: What?
Arya: Huh?
Gendry: Could you say that aga--
Arya: --OHMYGODLETSHAVESEXNOWGENDRY!
Gendry: Huh? What did you sa--
Arya: Nothing! I said nothing! Forget I said anything.
Gendry: I think you said—
Arya: --NOOOO!!!
Arya punches him and the two start fighting.
The rest of the outlaws hear the commotion and walk over to the smithy to watch them fight.
Harwin: Break it up! Break it up!
The two are now filthy. Arya has a rip in her new dress.
Gendry: Oh no. I’m sorry, Arya. I was just horseplaying. I didn’t mean to rip your dress.
Arya: Now rip the rest of it off.
Gendry: What?
Arya: I mean… uhh… ermm… ahh…
Arya runs away.
Lady Smallwood then gives her another bath and a new dress.
Arya: ANOTHER BATH? Yuck! I hate bathes. Oh, also I’m sorry for destroying the dress you just gave me.
Lady Smallwood: It’s okay. It’s clear you and that Gendry kid have some pent up sexual tension you need to work out before this book series is over.
Lymond: I lost all my sons in Robert’s Rebellion. My house will die after I am gone. But I still have my glory. Why I remember this one time I fought in a battle against Ser Maynard. There we were on a bridge when—
Arya: --Okay, we’re just staying at your place for the night. No reason for any extensive backstory about you. We’ll never see or hear from your character again.
Lymond: Aww. Hey. Too bad about that Lord Beric, huh?
Lem: What about Beric?
Lymond: I heard he was hung.
Lem: Well, his dick is pretty large.
Lymond: Huh?
Lem: Uhh... uhh... I mean he’s better now. From the hanging!
Lymond: Huh?
Lem: He was hanged but he’s better now.
Lymond: What do you mean by that? You mean Thoros cut him down or something? Before he died?
Lem: Sure. Let’s go with that. Thoros got there in time and cut him down BEFORE he died. Right.
They then leave and go to find the “Lady of the Leaves.”
Arya: Lady of the Leaves? Why does this sound like she’s a character in some sort of medieval fantasy story?
Greenbeard: Uh, because this is a medieval fantasy story.
Arya: Ah, right. Right.
The Lady of the Leaves winds up being an old, thin white-haired lady who lives in a Riverlands village that rests in the trees.
Anguy: Psst! Lady of the Leaves. Tell us where Lord Beric is.
Arya: Why do you have to keep asking all these people where Beric is? Don’t you work for Beric? Shouldn’t you know where he’s at?
Lady of the Leaves: It matters not. I hear the Mountain caught Lord Beric and killed him He stabbed him in the eye with a knife.
Lem: Ah, but he didn’t die. He’s doing fine. He just wears an eyepatch now like a pirate. It’s cool.
Lady of the Leaves: Really? You’d think someone who gets stabbed in the eye would die.
Lem: Nope. He’s totally fine.
Arya: Man. A lot of people seem to have stories about Beric being dead and murdered in various ways.
Lem: Well, none are true. He’s totes alive.
Lady of the Leaves: Well, that’s good to hear.
Arya: Nobody still answered my question about why the people who work for Beric don’t know where Beric is. Why would he hide from his own men?
Tom o’ Sevens: Well, if nobody knows where he is or what his plans are… then nobody can betray him! It’s genius, really!
Arya: No it’s not. It’s stupid. This is a stupid plot device. Just pick more trustworthy people.
Harwin: Even trustworthy men can be tortured.
Arya: Torture doesn’t work. I saw it with my own eyes. I’d see people being tortured every day by the Mountain and his henchmen.
CIA Director Gina Haspel: Sure it does! Torture is great. Just look how well Iraq and Afghanistan went.
Lem kills Gina Haspel.
And because Leaf Lady has no info, they move on and spend the next night in a looted sept.
Arya: Man, who desecrates a sept? I bet a bunch of assholes!
Harwin: It was Northmen loyal to the Starks.
Arya: Ah, I see.
Harwin: Hence what I was saying earlier. North. South. Stark. Lannister. It doesn’t matter. Nobody looks out for the smallfolk. Except for us.
Arya: This is dumb. I just want to go home. Why can’t you just take me to my mom at Riverrun?
Anguy: Maybe we will. I can take you there and make you a cool bow to shoot people with, because killing seems like it’s sort of your “thing.”
Arya: It is.
Anguy: But before that… we need to collect a ransom for you.
Arya: Why?
Anguy: It’s sort of how our business works. We catch highborn captives along the road and then ransom them off. The gold we get in return is what we use to buy our food and supplies. And we use that to defend the smallfolk.
Arya: Oh, cool. I guess.
Tom O' Sevens: Hahaha, I bet when we show up to Riverrun to ransom you, Edmure will not be happy to see me.
Arya: Why's that?
Tom O'Sevens: Ah, well your uncle Edmure hates singers, did you know that? It's because of me. I used to sing back at Riverrun, back in the day. He once was trying to mack on some girl and take her to bed. But he got super drunk and had whisky dick. So I took the girl to bed instead. Then I wrote a song about it called "Floppy Fish" that became super popular. Hahahaha. It was the best! Edmure still hates me to this day because everyone knew the song was about his flaccid penis.
Arya: Gross. I don't need to hear that about my uncle. So this kidnapping and ransoming thing you're doing. How long will this go on for? I mean… are you going to keep this up forever?
Harwin: Our journey began when Ned Stark sent us out to find and kill The Mountain. And that is when our quest will end, once the Mountain is dead.
Arya: Yeah, but will your quest keep going if the Mountain is killed but then resurrected by a disgraced Maester as Ser Robert Strong?
Everybody blinks, because they have no idea what Arya is talking about.
The next day they head to the High Heart – an ancient hill that was once sacred to the Children of the Forest. A ring of 31 weirwood stumps sit on the hill.
Arya: Why 31?
Harwin: It’s the name number of flavors as Baskin Robbins ice cream. Baskin Robbins was sacred to the Children of the Forest.
Arya: Ah.
Greenbeard: Well, it’s night now. Better rest.
Arya: It’s night now? WHAT? We just came here like four lines ago. The days and nights are changing crazy fast. This story is just chugging along.
Witch: Hi everyone. I’m a witch.
Arya: AGHH!!! WITCH!
Witch: But you can call me “The Ghost of High Heart.”
Arya: No, I think we’re just going to call you, “Witch.”
Witch: Whatever.
Tom: We actually came here on purpose, Arya. We wanted to meet the Witch. To ask her where Beric is at. She might know.
Witch: Yes, but instead of telling you where Beric is, let me tell you about my dreams and dark prophesies.
Tom: Okay. Sure.
Witch: …
Tom: Go on.
Witch: There is a charge. It’s $4.99.
Tom: Goddamnit. Can I pay you with a song instead?
Tom pulls out his acoustic guitar and starts playing “Shadow of the Day” by Linkin Park.
Witch: The old gods stir and will not let me sleep! A shadow with a burning heart butchers a golden stag! A man without a face waits on a bridge for a man with a drowned crown and seaweed. A woman comes out of a river that was once a fish!
Arya: Creepy. So are we playing that prophesy guessing game again? Okay. Fine. Here we go. The first one is Stannis killing Renly. Easy. Then we we have a faceless man killing Euron Greyjoy and Lady Stoneheart. Am I right? I’m obviously right.
They then go to sleep and wake up the next day. The witch is gone.
Arya: Well that was crazy. Who was that old hag?
Tom: Just some crazy old lady. Don’t listen to her.
Harwin: Well, this still hasn’t gotten us any closer to Beric. Damnit.
Arya: Well, we just woke up. Now it’s time to—
Greenbeard: --Nope, too late. Now the day is over already.
Arya: WHAT? Another one?
Greenbeard: Yes. And now we’ve moved on to Acorn Hall, the seat of House Smallwood.
Arya: RIP Thoren.
Greenbeard: What? Who?
Arya: Thoren Smallwood. He was just killed by a zombie bear a few chapters ago.
Greenbeard: Ah. Well that’s not the Smallwood here, obviously. Here is Lady Smallwood.
Lady Smallwood: Hi.
Arya: Hi. How exactly are you related to Thoren?
Lady Smallwood: The books never bother to explain. We’re a pretty small house so it probably wasn’t worth explaining. Actually, I’m not even really a Smallwood. My name is Ravella Swann. I just married Theomar Smallwood.
Arya: Oh.
Lady Smallwood: You’re filthy, girl. Let’s get you cleaned up and put in proper clothes.
And so Lady Smallwood forces Arya to take a shower and put on a nice dress.
Arya: Gross. I look like a girl now.
Lady Smallwood: As you should! Girls are supposed to like pretty dressed and be into things like needlework.
Arya: Oh, ahaha. I’m into needlework, all right. If you catch my drift.
Lady Smallwood: I hope you’re referring to sewing and not to stabbing people.
Arya: We’ll just leave that to your imagination.
After the bath, everyone has dinner.
Harwin: So, you probably can guess why we’re here, Lady Smallwood. We’re looking for Beric.
Lady Smallwood: Well, he and Thoros were here lest than two weeks ago, driving some sheep through. The last I heard, he was heading for the Stoney Sept down by the Threepenny Wood.
Tom: HOLY CRAP! Does somebody actually know where Beric is at? I figured we’d just keep on jumping from place to place with no answer for the next 16 chapters.
Lady Smallwood: Oh you, Tom. You’re such a miscreant. Always going around singing songs to ladies to seduce them and then having unprotected sex to produce illegitimate babies. You cad, you! You should give those girls some more TANSY TEA so that they can INDUCE ABORTIONS.
Arya: Hrm. Interesting that you mention TANSY TEA in underlined, italicized allcaps like that. I wonder if that references back to another chapter.
Lem: Well Lady Smallwood, any other important plot exposition you feel like dropping on us while we’re here?
Lady Smallwood: Ah yes, a pack of wolves came by recently. Not actual wolves. I mean Stark soldiers. They were looking for Jaime Lannister. They were wearing some symbol on their outfits that had a black and white sun on it.
Arya: Oh wow, that sounds like the Karstarks. They are close allies of the Starks and would never, ever betray us in any way.
Greenbeard: Odd that you’d say that.
Lady Smallwood: If you want to talk about betrayals, these Karstarks were talking about how Lady Cat was the real betrayer. They said that she freed Jaime Lannister and let him go.
Arya: WHAT?! NO! LIES! LIES! LIES!
Arya angrily tosses her plate of food and starts pouting.
Harwin: Okay Arya, that’s enough temper tantrums from you. Get out of here!
Arya is sent away. Gendry follows her.
Gendry: I was waiting to see if I’d get any lines in this chapter. Hey Arya, you want to come and check out the smithy here? I’m a blacksmith apprentice, so anywhere I go I like to check out what the smithy looks like.
Arya: That sounds super boring. But okay.
They go to the smithy.
Gendry: Cool, huh?
Arya: Whatever. Hey. Do what do you know about these guys that we’re being taken to? Beric and Thoros?
Gendry: Well, I don’t know much about Beric. But Thoros used to come around to my smithy back in King’s Landing. He used to buy a new sword from my master after every tournament because he’d put wildfire on it for dramatic effect. He’d fight with his sword on fire and it would scare everyone. But it was just a trick. And it totally wrecked and melted his sword. The steel was ruined.
Arya: I wish I had a flaming sword. I would kill so many people.
Gendry: Hahaha, that sounds exactly like the type of thing you’d say. But you don’t even look like you anymore. I mean look at you. You’re all cleaned up and wearing a pretty dress. You actually look like a girl. You’re kind of… uhm.. cute. Even. Yeah. *blushes* You even smell good.
Arya: Oh, I got a part of me you can smell.
Gendry: What?
Arya: Huh?
Gendry: Could you say that aga--
Arya: --OHMYGODLETSHAVESEXNOWGENDRY!
Gendry: Huh? What did you sa--
Arya: Nothing! I said nothing! Forget I said anything.
Gendry: I think you said—
Arya: --NOOOO!!!
Arya punches him and the two start fighting.
The rest of the outlaws hear the commotion and walk over to the smithy to watch them fight.
Harwin: Break it up! Break it up!
The two are now filthy. Arya has a rip in her new dress.
Gendry: Oh no. I’m sorry, Arya. I was just horseplaying. I didn’t mean to rip your dress.
Arya: Now rip the rest of it off.
Gendry: What?
Arya: I mean… uhh… ermm… ahh…
Arya runs away.
Lady Smallwood then gives her another bath and a new dress.
Arya: ANOTHER BATH? Yuck! I hate bathes. Oh, also I’m sorry for destroying the dress you just gave me.
Lady Smallwood: It’s okay. It’s clear you and that Gendry kid have some pent up sexual tension you need to work out before this book series is over.
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