Dany stands in a giant square in Astapor. Kraznys mo Nakloz, a slave seller, is showing off his products to her. And by “products” I mean “human beings” called “The Unsullied.”
Kraznys mo Nakloz: [In Valyrian] Hey translator, tell this stupid blonde bitch that I got bigger tits than her and that I’m totally going to screw her over.
Kraznys’s Translator, Missandei: [In the Common Tongue] Noble Daenerys, Kraznys mo Nakloz welcomes you to Astapor and says he looks forward to making a deal with you.
Dany: Haha, oh. Kraznys doesn’t realize that I can speak perfect Valyrian. This is going to be so much fun. I won’t let on that I know what he’s saying. Also, Missandei! HEY THERE! Glad to meet you. You look a bit young though.
Missandei: Yes, I am like 10 years old in the books.
Dany: HOLY CRAP. Really? Geez, I’m glad they aged you up for the TV show.
Kraznys: Tell this filthy cunt that we emotionally traumatize these kids until they become soulless slaves who will die for anything we tell them to die for. We run these kids so hard that most of them die.
Missandei: Kraznys says that the Unsullied go through rigorous training and are very loyal.
Dany: Ask Kraznys why the Unsullied are eunichs.
She asks. You get the point. I won't go through all of this translation stuff here.
Kraznys: That way they have none of the passions or temptations of men. Nor do they feel pain! Here, watch this!
He orders a slave to walk over. He then takes out a blade and cuts the man’s nipple off. The Unsullied doesn’t even flinch.
Not Barristan: HOLY SHIT! GROSS! Is that really necessary?
Kraznys: No. But it was hilarious. I get these motherfuckers all jacked up on barbiturates until every nerve in their body is dead and they can’t feel anything anymore.
Missandei: Kraznys says that the Unsullied are given a pleasant concoction which deadens pain and emotion, but it’s totally safe and FDA approved.
Kraznys: Tell that blond whore that I want to pour honey on her tits. And then lick it off. And then cum on them and lick that off too. Because I’m super weird and gross. Also, tell her that the slaves aren’t permitted names. They reach into a bag every day and pull out a new name. This dehumanizes them further because fuck them and fuck you.
Missandei: Kraznys says that the Unsullied are given a new name every day by pulling a name outy of a bag. Because it’s sort of like a fun game. Like that “Three Strikes” game on The Price is Right. You know, where they pull the numbers in the price of a car out of the bag and hope they don’t pull out any of the three strikes in the bag. Because if they pull out the three strikes before they can get the correct price of the car, they lose.
Dany: Yes. That game is fun but very challenging. Probably one of the hardest games on the show. Which is why that game typically features luxury cars. Are you sure Kraznys didn’t say anything else other than that? Because it seemed like he was talking for a while. And I thought I heard him mention something about honey.
Missandei: No. That is all he said.
Kraznys: As part of the training, we also make sure the Unsullied murder an infant. We also give them a puppy to raise. After spending years with the puppy and becoming best friends, we then surprise them on their 12th birthday with the realization that they have to murder the puppy. They must strangle it with their bare hands. Any who does not is put to the sword and killed.
Missandei: Kraznys says that the Unsullied also have puppies. It’s cute.
Kraznys: Well, now ask this dumb bitch how many slaves she wishes to buy. I grow tired of her. There are 8,000 currently available to purchase. That’s one slave for every time I’d like to punch her in her face. Also, let her know that they come with their weapons. She can use the handles of the sword as giant dildos to stick up her fishy twat.
Missandei: Kraznys kindly asks how many Unsullied you are looking to purchase and notes that there are 8,000 available. Their weapons are included.
Dany: Hrm. Let me confer with my trusted advisor.
Jorah: Here I am, Dany!
Dany: No. Not you.
Jorah: WHAT?!
Dany: Haven’t you noticed that I’ve been keeping you distant from me ever since you SEXUALLY ASSAULTED me? I’m never alone with you. I make sure of that. I was talking to Not Barristan.
Not Barristan: Hahaha, suck it, Mormont.
Jorah: *pouts*
Dany: So, Not Barristan, what do you think?
Not Barristan: I say you should buy NO slaves. Slavery is an abomination. There has not been slavery in the Seven Kingdoms for years. Just imagine how much you’d be hated if you showed there with slaves. There will be many that oppose you and side with the Lannisters just because of your slaves alone.
Jorah: I disagree. Slavery isn’t that bad.
Dany: SHHH!!!! I wasn’t talking to you, rapey slave seller guy. Not Barristan, what would you have me do? You know I need an army!
Not Barristan: *mumbles* Many will rally to you, surely. The name “Targaryen” still means something in the Seven Kingdoms.
Dany: Yeah, that argument doesn’t sound that convincing. Not even you seem to believe it.
Kraznys: Ask that dumb bitch if she’s made a decision or not. Shit or get off the can! I’ve got other potential buyers, you know. Ones that don’t waste my time by starring in shitty Terminator reboots.
Missandei: Kraznys kindly asks if you know how many slaves you would like yet.
Dany: Tell Kraznys that I will need time to consider.
Dany and her crew then head back to the ship.
Dany: *sigh* What do I do? What do I do?
Not Barristan: They say the bricks of Astapor are red with the blood of slaves. This is a foul city. With the money and goods we have, we should hire swords instead of buy slaves.
Dany: Yeah, my brother tried to do that for years, and received nothing but empty promises.
Not Barristan: Yeah, well… he didn’t have three ships full of valuables to sell. He also didn’t have three dragons.
Dany: Fine, smarty pants.
Dany then reflects upon Jorah. She didn’t understand why Jorah distrusted Not Barristan so much. Probably just jealously. He doesn’t want any other man moving close to her. When will Jorah realise that she has no interest in him. Sure, when he kissed her… it woke up something inside of her. Some feelings of lust. But it wasn’t for Jorah. Just general horniness for pretty much anyone except Jorah. In fact, the night after Jorah did that to her… she started paddling the pink canoe, if you know what I mean.
Dany: I don’t.
Dialing the rotary phone.
Dany: Huh?
Having a little “Girls’ night in.”
Dany: Oh wait. Female masturbation. Yes. I get it. I did that. Until Irri walked in on me and was like, “Can I help you finish?”
Irri: You didn’t say, “no.”
Dany: Let’s not talk about this anymore. This is a little gross and graphic. Quite frankly, I find it disgusting that GRRM even wrote about this.
Jorah: Oh, hey Dany. I can help you out with tha—
Dany slaps Jorah in the face.
Jorah: Ow. What the hell?
Dany: How dare you take me to Astapor, you piece of shit! You and your slavery fetish, Jorah. Why did I ever bother listening to you? You know they torture these kids, right? They brutalize them. They make them kill babies and puppies. This is some sick, sick shit.
Jorah: I’m sorry, Khalessi. I’m just saying… you need this army.
Dany: You once said I reminded you of Rhaegar. But Rhagar led FREE MEN into battle. Not slaves.
Jorah: True. But Rhaegar also died. So there’s that.
Dany: I should sail the hell out of here right now. But now I can’t. Because I NEED to find some way to buy those 8,000 slaves. But I also want to find a way to do it where I can create some moral justification so I can sleep at night and tell myself that I’m not a terrible person. Now if you’ll excuse me. I need some alone time with my dragons.
Irri: And me, right? I can be there for your alone time too.
Dany: No. Stop it, Irri. No more lipstick lesbian scenes this chapter. I just want to feed my dragons.
And so she has some alone time with her dragons. That time it's not a euphemism for female masturbation.
Kraznys mo Nakloz: [In Valyrian] Hey translator, tell this stupid blonde bitch that I got bigger tits than her and that I’m totally going to screw her over.
Kraznys’s Translator, Missandei: [In the Common Tongue] Noble Daenerys, Kraznys mo Nakloz welcomes you to Astapor and says he looks forward to making a deal with you.
Dany: Haha, oh. Kraznys doesn’t realize that I can speak perfect Valyrian. This is going to be so much fun. I won’t let on that I know what he’s saying. Also, Missandei! HEY THERE! Glad to meet you. You look a bit young though.
Missandei: Yes, I am like 10 years old in the books.
Dany: HOLY CRAP. Really? Geez, I’m glad they aged you up for the TV show.
Kraznys: Tell this filthy cunt that we emotionally traumatize these kids until they become soulless slaves who will die for anything we tell them to die for. We run these kids so hard that most of them die.
Missandei: Kraznys says that the Unsullied go through rigorous training and are very loyal.
Dany: Ask Kraznys why the Unsullied are eunichs.
She asks. You get the point. I won't go through all of this translation stuff here.
Kraznys: That way they have none of the passions or temptations of men. Nor do they feel pain! Here, watch this!
He orders a slave to walk over. He then takes out a blade and cuts the man’s nipple off. The Unsullied doesn’t even flinch.
Not Barristan: HOLY SHIT! GROSS! Is that really necessary?
Kraznys: No. But it was hilarious. I get these motherfuckers all jacked up on barbiturates until every nerve in their body is dead and they can’t feel anything anymore.
Missandei: Kraznys says that the Unsullied are given a pleasant concoction which deadens pain and emotion, but it’s totally safe and FDA approved.
Kraznys: Tell that blond whore that I want to pour honey on her tits. And then lick it off. And then cum on them and lick that off too. Because I’m super weird and gross. Also, tell her that the slaves aren’t permitted names. They reach into a bag every day and pull out a new name. This dehumanizes them further because fuck them and fuck you.
Missandei: Kraznys says that the Unsullied are given a new name every day by pulling a name outy of a bag. Because it’s sort of like a fun game. Like that “Three Strikes” game on The Price is Right. You know, where they pull the numbers in the price of a car out of the bag and hope they don’t pull out any of the three strikes in the bag. Because if they pull out the three strikes before they can get the correct price of the car, they lose.
Dany: Yes. That game is fun but very challenging. Probably one of the hardest games on the show. Which is why that game typically features luxury cars. Are you sure Kraznys didn’t say anything else other than that? Because it seemed like he was talking for a while. And I thought I heard him mention something about honey.
Missandei: No. That is all he said.
Kraznys: As part of the training, we also make sure the Unsullied murder an infant. We also give them a puppy to raise. After spending years with the puppy and becoming best friends, we then surprise them on their 12th birthday with the realization that they have to murder the puppy. They must strangle it with their bare hands. Any who does not is put to the sword and killed.
Missandei: Kraznys says that the Unsullied also have puppies. It’s cute.
Kraznys: Well, now ask this dumb bitch how many slaves she wishes to buy. I grow tired of her. There are 8,000 currently available to purchase. That’s one slave for every time I’d like to punch her in her face. Also, let her know that they come with their weapons. She can use the handles of the sword as giant dildos to stick up her fishy twat.
Missandei: Kraznys kindly asks how many Unsullied you are looking to purchase and notes that there are 8,000 available. Their weapons are included.
Dany: Hrm. Let me confer with my trusted advisor.
Jorah: Here I am, Dany!
Dany: No. Not you.
Jorah: WHAT?!
Dany: Haven’t you noticed that I’ve been keeping you distant from me ever since you SEXUALLY ASSAULTED me? I’m never alone with you. I make sure of that. I was talking to Not Barristan.
Not Barristan: Hahaha, suck it, Mormont.
Jorah: *pouts*
Dany: So, Not Barristan, what do you think?
Not Barristan: I say you should buy NO slaves. Slavery is an abomination. There has not been slavery in the Seven Kingdoms for years. Just imagine how much you’d be hated if you showed there with slaves. There will be many that oppose you and side with the Lannisters just because of your slaves alone.
Jorah: I disagree. Slavery isn’t that bad.
Dany: SHHH!!!! I wasn’t talking to you, rapey slave seller guy. Not Barristan, what would you have me do? You know I need an army!
Not Barristan: *mumbles* Many will rally to you, surely. The name “Targaryen” still means something in the Seven Kingdoms.
Dany: Yeah, that argument doesn’t sound that convincing. Not even you seem to believe it.
Kraznys: Ask that dumb bitch if she’s made a decision or not. Shit or get off the can! I’ve got other potential buyers, you know. Ones that don’t waste my time by starring in shitty Terminator reboots.
Missandei: Kraznys kindly asks if you know how many slaves you would like yet.
Dany: Tell Kraznys that I will need time to consider.
Dany and her crew then head back to the ship.
Dany: *sigh* What do I do? What do I do?
Not Barristan: They say the bricks of Astapor are red with the blood of slaves. This is a foul city. With the money and goods we have, we should hire swords instead of buy slaves.
Dany: Yeah, my brother tried to do that for years, and received nothing but empty promises.
Not Barristan: Yeah, well… he didn’t have three ships full of valuables to sell. He also didn’t have three dragons.
Dany: Fine, smarty pants.
Dany then reflects upon Jorah. She didn’t understand why Jorah distrusted Not Barristan so much. Probably just jealously. He doesn’t want any other man moving close to her. When will Jorah realise that she has no interest in him. Sure, when he kissed her… it woke up something inside of her. Some feelings of lust. But it wasn’t for Jorah. Just general horniness for pretty much anyone except Jorah. In fact, the night after Jorah did that to her… she started paddling the pink canoe, if you know what I mean.
Dany: I don’t.
Dialing the rotary phone.
Dany: Huh?
Having a little “Girls’ night in.”
Dany: Oh wait. Female masturbation. Yes. I get it. I did that. Until Irri walked in on me and was like, “Can I help you finish?”
Irri: You didn’t say, “no.”
Dany: Let’s not talk about this anymore. This is a little gross and graphic. Quite frankly, I find it disgusting that GRRM even wrote about this.
Jorah: Oh, hey Dany. I can help you out with tha—
Dany slaps Jorah in the face.
Jorah: Ow. What the hell?
Dany: How dare you take me to Astapor, you piece of shit! You and your slavery fetish, Jorah. Why did I ever bother listening to you? You know they torture these kids, right? They brutalize them. They make them kill babies and puppies. This is some sick, sick shit.
Jorah: I’m sorry, Khalessi. I’m just saying… you need this army.
Dany: You once said I reminded you of Rhaegar. But Rhagar led FREE MEN into battle. Not slaves.
Jorah: True. But Rhaegar also died. So there’s that.
Dany: I should sail the hell out of here right now. But now I can’t. Because I NEED to find some way to buy those 8,000 slaves. But I also want to find a way to do it where I can create some moral justification so I can sleep at night and tell myself that I’m not a terrible person. Now if you’ll excuse me. I need some alone time with my dragons.
Irri: And me, right? I can be there for your alone time too.
Dany: No. Stop it, Irri. No more lipstick lesbian scenes this chapter. I just want to feed my dragons.
And so she has some alone time with her dragons. That time it's not a euphemism for female masturbation.
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