Bran, Meera, Jojen and Hodor are walking through the woods and the hilly mountains of the north.
Summer: *Woof* [Translation: Hey! I’m here too! Just because I’m not a human doesn’t mean that you get to leave me out].
My apologies. Summer is there too.
Meera: I love going through the mountains. So much fun! *stubs toe* OW! I fucking hate these mountains.
Bran: You can't both LOVE and HATE them, Meera.
Meera: Why not?
Bran: Because they're two totally opposite things like ice and fire.
Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Ice and Fire" flashes again and again.
Bran: What the hell?
Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!
Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!
And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back into the mountains.
Bran: Ugh. No. Lame. These mountains are lame. This would be so much faster if we could just travel on the Kingsroad like normal people.
Jojen: Like, no way, dude. *smokes weed* The 4-0 is gonna catch us if we do that. You’re, like, supposed to be dead, Bran. Someone could recognize you. We need to, like, avoid meeting travelers on the road at any cost.
Traveler on the Road: Oh, hi there!
Jojen: DAMNIT!
Traveler on the Road: No, it’s cool. Don’t worry about me. I’m a mountain person. You can trust me.
Bran: Yeah, I see you got that pinecone brooch. That must mean that you’re from the House Liddle. The House Liddle are loyal to the Starks.
Liddle: I’d prefer if you call it a “clasp” rather than “brooch,” since brooch sounds like it’s some sort of fancy, ornate decoration for middle-aged women.
Bran: I mean it’s shaped like a pinecone. That’s pretty decorative. In order to call it a “clasp,” I’d think it would have to be a boring rectangular or circular fastener. Once it gets decorative, it turns into a brooch. That is a brooch, sir. I'm not trying to be harsh and I'm not judging you. But I'm calling a spade a spade. I'm keeping it real. It's a brooch, just fucking own it, man.
Liddle: Whatever. You guys want some oakcakes, blood sausage and ale?
Hodor: Ah yes! That would be quite delectable indeed, good ser! For oatcakes are quite pleasant and high in nutrients. It will be most well for our journey northward. And blood sausage? Another treat that will give us lots of energy for our travels ahead! While the name might be quite offputting to many, blood sausage is quite delicious. It’s flavors can vary from region to region though, as much of the flavor comes from the seasonings. English/Irish blood sausage, the more Spanish-style Morcilla, as well as Asian types of blood sausage all quite different flavors! The most common of those is, of course, Sundae, which is a Korean delicacy. Obviously not to be confused with the other "sundae," which is an ice cream dessert. Needless to say, if you're in Korea and someone asks if you want a sundae, you should be careful as to which one you're getting. I’m partial to Morcilla myself, but I know that—
Liddle: Wow, this guy talks A LOT.
Bran: Yep. That is indeed what Hodor is famous for. His verbose dialogue.
Liddle: You guys need to watch out around here though. There are squids around.
Meera: Guys? I’m here too! And I haven’t gotten any lines!
Bran: Squid? Mmm! I’d like some calamari too!
Liddle: No, I mean ironborn. You know. Greyjoys.
Bran: Oh right. Them.
Liddle: And the flayed men.
Bran: Oh, that’s House Bolton. They’re on our side though.
Liddle: Are they… ARE THEY?
Bran: Uhh… forshadowing, much?
Liddle: Also, there is an ominous lack of word from the Wall. I haven’t heard anything from them in a while, and we Liddles live up north here close to the Wall. Strange.
Bran: Yeah. Creepy.
Liddle: Things just aren’t the same anymore. It was different when the Starks ruled Winterfell.
Jojen: Oh man… the Starks will rule Winterfell again! I’ve seen it in my dreams, man! In my dreams!
Liddle: Wait… is this guy here actually prophetic and able to predict the future? Or is he just a stoner?
Meera: He’s actually both.
After having dinner and exchanging pleasantries, they then move on.
The next day, Bran sees an eagle.
Bran: Oh, sweet! I’m going to try to warg out of my body and go into that eagle. The three-eyed crow told me that I would fly one day!
He tries to do that, but he can’t.
Bran: DAMN IT!
Hodor: Ah, well failure doesn’t mean that you won’t succeed in the future. If at once you don’t succeed… try, try again! That’s the way you have to think about things! It’s always good to be positive and hope for the best!
Meera: Boy that Hodor sure does love to talk!
Jojen: I, like, wonder why he’s called Hodor!
Bran: Ah, good question. You know that’s not his actual name. Old Nan told me that his actual name is “Walder.” Old Nan is his great grandmother.
Meera: Really? You’re sure it’s not “Wylis?”
Bran: Nope. It’s definitely “Walder.” Anyway. He used to be normal and then something happened to him, and afterwards he could only speak in long, verbose sentences in an extremely eloquent way.
Meera: But where exactly does “Hodor” come from? Is it from like “Hold the Door” or something?
Bran: Don’t be fucking stupid, Meera. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Anyway. I’m sad because I just thought about Old Nan. We never saw her body or anything. But I suppose she’s dead now, huh?
Jojen: Probably. It’s not really worth my time to use my greenseeing powers to explore more about Old Nan.
Bran: She always told me stories. She told great stories! I’m going to miss those stories.
Meera: Did she ever tell the story of the Knight of the Laughing Tree?
Bran: No. What’s that story?
Jojen: What? REALLY? He NEVER told that story?
Bran: I just said “no,” asshole. Are you paying attention? Tell it to me, Meera.
Meera: Okay. So would you like it to be told in a super cryptic fashion where I make it sound like some sort of legendary tale? Then you can slowly parse out clues from the story and see if applies to any important plotlines set immediately prior to Robert’s Rebellion and the overthrow of the Targaryens? Or would you simply like me to tell it in flashback format so that it’s totally obvious what is going on?
Bran: The latter, please.
Meera: Okay. Good. Well then, this one time about 17 or so years ago…
Bran: Well that story sucked. So who was the Mystery Knight? Was it the crannogman?
Meera: Jesus Christ. You a moron, Bran.
Summer: *Woof* [Translation: Hey! I’m here too! Just because I’m not a human doesn’t mean that you get to leave me out].
My apologies. Summer is there too.
Meera: I love going through the mountains. So much fun! *stubs toe* OW! I fucking hate these mountains.
Bran: You can't both LOVE and HATE them, Meera.
Meera: Why not?
Bran: Because they're two totally opposite things like ice and fire.
Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Ice and Fire" flashes again and again.
Bran: What the hell?
Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!
Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!
And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back into the mountains.
Bran: Ugh. No. Lame. These mountains are lame. This would be so much faster if we could just travel on the Kingsroad like normal people.
Jojen: Like, no way, dude. *smokes weed* The 4-0 is gonna catch us if we do that. You’re, like, supposed to be dead, Bran. Someone could recognize you. We need to, like, avoid meeting travelers on the road at any cost.
Traveler on the Road: Oh, hi there!
Jojen: DAMNIT!
Traveler on the Road: No, it’s cool. Don’t worry about me. I’m a mountain person. You can trust me.
Bran: Yeah, I see you got that pinecone brooch. That must mean that you’re from the House Liddle. The House Liddle are loyal to the Starks.
Liddle: I’d prefer if you call it a “clasp” rather than “brooch,” since brooch sounds like it’s some sort of fancy, ornate decoration for middle-aged women.
Bran: I mean it’s shaped like a pinecone. That’s pretty decorative. In order to call it a “clasp,” I’d think it would have to be a boring rectangular or circular fastener. Once it gets decorative, it turns into a brooch. That is a brooch, sir. I'm not trying to be harsh and I'm not judging you. But I'm calling a spade a spade. I'm keeping it real. It's a brooch, just fucking own it, man.
Liddle: Whatever. You guys want some oakcakes, blood sausage and ale?
Hodor: Ah yes! That would be quite delectable indeed, good ser! For oatcakes are quite pleasant and high in nutrients. It will be most well for our journey northward. And blood sausage? Another treat that will give us lots of energy for our travels ahead! While the name might be quite offputting to many, blood sausage is quite delicious. It’s flavors can vary from region to region though, as much of the flavor comes from the seasonings. English/Irish blood sausage, the more Spanish-style Morcilla, as well as Asian types of blood sausage all quite different flavors! The most common of those is, of course, Sundae, which is a Korean delicacy. Obviously not to be confused with the other "sundae," which is an ice cream dessert. Needless to say, if you're in Korea and someone asks if you want a sundae, you should be careful as to which one you're getting. I’m partial to Morcilla myself, but I know that—
Liddle: Wow, this guy talks A LOT.
Bran: Yep. That is indeed what Hodor is famous for. His verbose dialogue.
Liddle: You guys need to watch out around here though. There are squids around.
Meera: Guys? I’m here too! And I haven’t gotten any lines!
Bran: Squid? Mmm! I’d like some calamari too!
Liddle: No, I mean ironborn. You know. Greyjoys.
Bran: Oh right. Them.
Liddle: And the flayed men.
Bran: Oh, that’s House Bolton. They’re on our side though.
Liddle: Are they… ARE THEY?
Bran: Uhh… forshadowing, much?
Liddle: Also, there is an ominous lack of word from the Wall. I haven’t heard anything from them in a while, and we Liddles live up north here close to the Wall. Strange.
Bran: Yeah. Creepy.
Liddle: Things just aren’t the same anymore. It was different when the Starks ruled Winterfell.
Jojen: Oh man… the Starks will rule Winterfell again! I’ve seen it in my dreams, man! In my dreams!
Liddle: Wait… is this guy here actually prophetic and able to predict the future? Or is he just a stoner?
Meera: He’s actually both.
After having dinner and exchanging pleasantries, they then move on.
The next day, Bran sees an eagle.
Bran: Oh, sweet! I’m going to try to warg out of my body and go into that eagle. The three-eyed crow told me that I would fly one day!
He tries to do that, but he can’t.
Bran: DAMN IT!
Hodor: Ah, well failure doesn’t mean that you won’t succeed in the future. If at once you don’t succeed… try, try again! That’s the way you have to think about things! It’s always good to be positive and hope for the best!
Meera: Boy that Hodor sure does love to talk!
Jojen: I, like, wonder why he’s called Hodor!
Bran: Ah, good question. You know that’s not his actual name. Old Nan told me that his actual name is “Walder.” Old Nan is his great grandmother.
Meera: Really? You’re sure it’s not “Wylis?”
Bran: Nope. It’s definitely “Walder.” Anyway. He used to be normal and then something happened to him, and afterwards he could only speak in long, verbose sentences in an extremely eloquent way.
Meera: But where exactly does “Hodor” come from? Is it from like “Hold the Door” or something?
Bran: Don’t be fucking stupid, Meera. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Anyway. I’m sad because I just thought about Old Nan. We never saw her body or anything. But I suppose she’s dead now, huh?
Jojen: Probably. It’s not really worth my time to use my greenseeing powers to explore more about Old Nan.
Bran: She always told me stories. She told great stories! I’m going to miss those stories.
Meera: Did she ever tell the story of the Knight of the Laughing Tree?
Bran: No. What’s that story?
Jojen: What? REALLY? He NEVER told that story?
Bran: I just said “no,” asshole. Are you paying attention? Tell it to me, Meera.
Meera: Okay. So would you like it to be told in a super cryptic fashion where I make it sound like some sort of legendary tale? Then you can slowly parse out clues from the story and see if applies to any important plotlines set immediately prior to Robert’s Rebellion and the overthrow of the Targaryens? Or would you simply like me to tell it in flashback format so that it’s totally obvious what is going on?
Bran: The latter, please.
Meera: Okay. Good. Well then, this one time about 17 or so years ago…
Howland Reed: Oh man, I’m a crannogman that lives in the Neck. But I want to learn more about the magic in the world. And so, to do that, I will leave the Neck and visit the Isle of Faces. That is a legendardy place where the Green Men used to live.
And so Howland Reed, Meera and Jojen’s father, does exactly that. He goes there and learns a lot.
Howland: Well, that was fun. I better row out of here now. Maybe I’ll row that way to that giant castle over there.
He rows away. And since you’ve been paying attention to Arya Stark’s storylines you should know where the Isle of Faces is and what it is close to. That’s right – Harrenhal!
Howland: Oh wow. Looks like some sort of Great Tournament is happening here in Harrenhal. And since it is 281, and thus the year of the false spring, I know that thus must indeed be Lord Whent's great tournament! You know what? Great knights from all around the Seven Kingdoms will be here to fight. But crannogmen from House Reed almost never come! I should go there!
And so he goes there. But since crannogmen are sort of small, he can easily be picked on. Three squires who were just kids, but bigger than the crannogman, came over.
Squire 1: We’re going to beat you up!
Squire 2: Yeah!
Squire 3: Also, yeah!
They start to beat him up, but then someone arrives on the scene and jumps off her horse.
MYSTERY Lady: HEY ASSHOLES! Pick on someone your own size!
The Mystery Lady then kicks the living shit out of them. They run away.
Howland: Wow, thanks. Although it is sort of embarrassing that a woman had to defend me.
Mystery Lady: That’s sort of sexist, but I don’t know how you’re raised so I’m going to let that slide.
Howland: Anyway, I’m pleased to meet you. I’m Howland Reed.
Mystery Lady: And my name is LYANNA STARK!
Audience: WOOOOO!!! LYANNA STARK! WOOOOOOO!!!
Lyanna Stark: Here, let me take you back to the castle, where you can meet my brothers.
She takes him there, and he meets her brothers – Brandon, Ned and Benjen.
Howland: Oh, hi there.
Ned: Howland, you will now be my best friend.
Howland: Oh, okay then. Interesting.
Howland and Ned instantly become best friends.
Ned: Hey bestie, there is a feast tonight at Harrenhal. Let’s go.
Howland: Yep!
They go to the feast and Howland sees someone familiar.
Howland: OH SHIT! That kid there is one of the kids that tried to beat me up. But now he’s wearing a Frey outfit. That kid was a Frey?
Lyanna: Yeah. The Freys are sort of giant dicks. And the two other kids appear to be from the Houses Haigh and Blunt. You should challenge the knights that those squires work for in combat at the tournament we’re having tomorrow.
Howland: Really? I should challenge the bigger, stronger knights that those three squires work for? Because you just saw the squires make a total fool of me, right? They were kicking my butt! What makes you think I’ll do better fighting THEIR KNIGHTS in the tournament?
Lyanna: Hrm. Well. If YOU don’t beat them up to get vengeance… then maybe you should pray to the old gods tonight that someone else of about your same height and build does.
Howland: Interesting that you say that, considering that you, Lyanna Stark, are about my same height and build. You know, except for the breasts thing. You have those and I do not.
Howland goes to bed that night and prays to the old gods.
At the tournament the next day…
Mike Tirico: This is Mike Tirico here, alongside Shquille O’Neal. And we’re about half way through the first round of Lord Whent's Great Tournament of 281!
Shaq: Icy to dull the pain. Hot to relax it away.
Mike Tirico: You know Shaq, this is about the time in the tournament that some sort of MYSTERY knight appears to join the challenge. A person that nobody knows or recognizes. And since their face is hidden by a helm, nobody can tell who they are.
Shaq: That’s true, Mike.
Suddenly, a knight shows up. The knight’s shield has the logo of a laughing face on a weirwood tree.
Mike Tirico: OH WOW!!! And here we are! A mystery knight has finally arrived! Let’s call this knight, “The Knight of the Laughing Tree” because the shield.
Shaq: Yep, this knight looks like he’s pretty small though.
Mike Tirico: Everyone looks small to you though, Shaq. You’re huge!
Shaq: But he’s, like, really, really small! Like maybe some sort of crannogman.
Mike Tirico: Or possibly a woman.
Shaq: Yes, Mike. That would be highly unusual, but we can’t tell for sure under all that armor. So, from now on, let’s refer to his knight in a gender neutral way and avoid saying “he” or “she.”
Knight of the Laughing Tree: *in voice that sounds suspiciously like a woman trying to sound like a man* I would like to challenge the Knights from House Frey, Haigh and Blount!
Frey Knight: Sure. I’ll take you on. You look super small. Like a crannogman. Or maybe a woman.
Haigh and Blount Knights: Us too!
The Knight of the Laughing Tree then kicks all of their asses.
Shaq: Yikes! Those guys are going to need to put Icy Hot all over their bruises if they want to get rid of the pain.
Knight of the Laughing Tree: Now that I have beaten you all, I get to keep your armor. But instead of keeping it, I promise to give it back to you so long as you do one thing… scold your squires for their embarrassing and unprofessional behavior!
Crowd: WOOOOOO!!!!!! You’re the best, Knight of the Laughing Tree! Thank you for the valuable moral lesson.
Mike Tirico: Wow! That was some great action there, Shaq! And don’t forget that the tournament continues tomorrow. I hope to see more of the mystery knight then!
Later that night…
Mad King Aerys II: DAMNIT! Who was that stupid mystery knight? Looked like some sort of crannogman. Or maybe a woman.
Prince Rhaegar: I don’t know, dad. You want me to find out?
Aerys: YES! I order to you track down and determine the identify of the Knight of the Laughing Tree.
Rhaegar: Okay. Sounds good. I’ll do that.
Aerys: And if the knight winds up being a super brave and beautiful woman, you have to promise not to fall in love with her, Rhaegar! Do you hear me?!
Rhaegar: Yeah, yeah. Sure. Of course. I’m a happily married man. Obviously. I’m married to Elia Martell. I have two kids.
Aerys: Okay, I’m just checking. I know how you’re super attracted to strong women. If you find out that this “Knight of the Laughing Tree” is actually a smokin’ hot brunette girl with amazing fighting skills that entered the tournament to uphold the honor of friend and scold dishonorable people... then you just need to ignore whatever impulses that makes you feel.
Rhaegar: YEAH DAD, I SAID OKAY ALREADY! Get off my case, old man!
The next day…
Aerys: So, did you find the Knight of the Laughing Tree?
Rhaegar: Y---uhhh… I mean “no.”Meera: The end.
Aerys: It sounds like you were about to say “yes.”
Rhaegar: Well no. I did not.
Aerys: Why does it look like you stayed up all night? Were you with someone?
Rhaegar: What? NO! NO! Of course not!
Aerys: Is that a long, brunette hair on your shoulder?
Rhaegar: LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME LIVE MY LIFE, OLD MAN! NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME, I NEED TO GO FIGHT IN THIS TOURNAMENT!
Back at the Tournament…
Mike Tirico: Well, another day and another several rounds of great jousts coming up, including that mysterious Knight of the Laughing Tree, Prince Rhaegar Targeryen, Brandon Stark, Yohn Royce, Arthur Dayne, Barristan Selmy, and others!
Shaq: Oh hey, I just noticed that Lyanna Stark’s is sitting in her front row seat in the audience today. Her seat was empty yesterday.
Mike Tirico: I’m not sure why that’s important enough to bring up, but okay. Anyway. The Mystery Knight should show up soon!
Aerys: YES! YES! SOON! Rhaegar! When the Mystery Knight shows up, I want you to run down the field and pull off his mask! Then we’ll know who he is!
Rhaegar: You mean “her”, right? Because it’s a female.
Aerys: WAIT! How do you know? I thought you didn’t know who it was!
Rhaegar: Uggh…. Uhhh…. Uhhhhhhh…. I mean, YEAH! You’re right. It could also be a small male like a crannogman or something. Right.
But the Knight of the Laughing Tree never shows up and is never seen or heard from again.
Mike Tirico: Well, that is a pretty disappointing conclusion.
Shaq: Conclusion? But they tourney isn’t over yet! Let’s see who wins it!
And so the tourney goes on, with no Knight of the Laughing Tree. Rhaegar wins. Obviosuly. Rhaegar is the best.
Crowd: WOOOOO!!!! WE LOVE RHAEGAR!
Mike Tirico: I guess all that remains now is to see who Rhaegar awards the prize of “Queen of Love and Beauty.” It’s traditional for the winner of any joust to pick one lovely lady from the audience to get this prize. Of course, it’s a given he’ll give it to the daughter of the host, Lord Whent. That’s pretty much the custom.
Instead Rhaegar rides up to Lyanna Stark and puts a crown of blue winter roses in her hair.
Rhaegar: *winks*
Lyanna: *winks back and then rubs her sore shoulder from what looks like a 1-day old jousting bruise*
Audience: *GASP*
Mike Tirico: WHAT THE HECK?! This is unprecedented, folks! And scandalous! First off al, Rhaegar is married to Elia Martell. And second – isn’t Lyanna Stark engaged to some guy called Robert Baratheon?
Bran: Well that story sucked. So who was the Mystery Knight? Was it the crannogman?
Meera: Jesus Christ. You a moron, Bran.
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