Jon is hanging out with Magnar of Thenn and his fellow Thenn dudes. They plan to head over the Wall... soon.
The Magnar of Thenn: Hey, you're not a double agent trying to betray us, are you?
Jon: No. Of course not. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to wonder off and brood alone.
He wonders off, and goes to find wherever Ghost has gotten himself.
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Whattup?]
Jon: Ghost, we gotta go over the Wall. And there is no way you can come with me. So we're going to have to part ways soon. I'm sorry. I hope you're smart enough to find Castle Black on your own! That's where you should go, boy. Do you understand me? I hope you do!
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Don't talk down to me, asshole. Of course I understand you. It's well established in this book series that you're part warg yourself and you and me have a mental connection. Based on that, I can clearly understand you. I guess I'll see you at Castle Black. If you live. Bye, Felicia].
Ghost leaves. Probably to go find some wolf girls to get it on with. Because he's mentally linked with Jon Snow and Jon is thinking about very similar things.
Jon heads back to the camp.
Ygritte: Hey. So we should have sex now. You know, to prove that you're no longer a chaste Crow loyal to the Night's Watch.
Jon: Hrm. I suppose... if I HAVE TO in order to prove myself.
They have the sex.
Jon: That actually felt pretty good. But now that I've done it, I've proven myself. I never have to do that again! Just once. That's all I needed to do it to prove myself to the Wildlings. It's BARELY even breaking my vows so long as I only do it once.
Ygritte: Hey! Come back here.
They then have sex three more times before the next morning.
Jon: DAMNIT! Why does that feel so good?! This is so dishonorable. I feel all this shame inside. I wonder if that's how my dad felt when he cheated on mom with some lady to make me, his bastard/
Wildling: HEY WOLF BOY! Stop fucking that ginger. The Magnar and Jarl want to see you.
Jon: Jarl? I forget which one Jarl is again.
Wildling: Some guy that Mance gave joint custody of this company to. Magnar leaves half of it, and Jarl leads the other half of it. But it's a very tense situation because the two hate each other, and are extremely jealous.
Jon: Wow. Why would Mance do that? It doesn't seem to make much sense.
Wildling: Well, I think it's mainly used as a narrative device to show that, even though it SEEMS like we Wildlings are all one big mass of people, we are in fact a bunch of different tribes with different loyalties. Although we all want to live and have joined together under Mance... it's really a paper-thin alliance that could easily fall apart.
Jon: Ah, I see.
Jon goes to see the Magnar and Jarl.
Magnar: Jon, tell me how these Crow patrols work, so that we can better evade them. AND DON'T FUCKING LIE!
Jon: Well, they ride on mules on top of the Wall in groups of four. Some groups also on horse survey the case of the Wall. It's a mix of warriors to watch out for Wildlings, as well as builders to check on and verify the condition of the wall. Make sure there aren't any holes or cracks developing.
Magnar: No shit, Sherlock. You're explaining the obvious. What I'm asking is what he schedules are. So that we can go at a time when they're not doing their rounds.
Jon: Ah, well. That's actually done pretty randomly. It's not a set schedule. That way we keep the Wildlings guessing. If we had a set schedule then the Wildlings would be able to simply watch us and figure it out.
Magnar: Ugh. That sucks. And how many of these Castles along the wall are staffed by Crows? And how many Crows are there, total?
Jon: Well, only Castle Black, Eastwatch by the Sea, and the Shadow Tower have men in them. As for the number of men... uhm...
Jon thinks of the accurate number, but then doubles it.
Magnar: Are you sure that's right? Because it sounds like you thought of an accurate number, but then doubled it.
Jon: What? NO! Of course not.
Magnar: I saw you counting on your fingers. And then you mouthed "what's double that?"
Jon: No. No. I said... err... Double Dare. Not Double That. Remember? That Mark Summers TV game show where the kids got slimed and stuff.
Magnar: We don't have that TV show up where the Thenns live.
Jon: Okay. Is that all you wanted to know? Because I've got to find my new girlfriend. I do not have the self control to stop having sex with her.
Magnar: Fine, whatever. Keep that shit to yourself though. GET A ROOM.
Jon goes looking for her. But he doesn't get a room. He gets a cave.
Jon: What the hell are you doing in this ice cave?
Ygritte: Oh, it's called Gorne's Way.
Jon: Oh, I think I've heard of Gorne. That's some sort of legend about a King Beyond the Wall from thousands of years ago.
Ygritte: Yes. Gorne was looking through these caves to find a secret passage to the other side of the wall underground. But there are thousands and thousands of tunnels and passages here and he got lost. They say his descendants still wander these caves, centuries later. And they're cannibals. So if people come down here they get eaten by them.
Jon: Okay, first of all... I call bullshit on that whole story. Second... if it is true that's gross because they all must be super inbred now. And last... if it is true then why the hell would you even come down here?
Ygritte: Because there is an awesome hot spring in here. Look!
She takes her clothes off and jumps in the hot spring. I don't remember if there is a spring in the book or if that's just the TV show. But let's just say there is.
Jon: Oh. Okay. I'm up for that. Let me try something new on you that I just thought of.
Jon tries that thing.
Ygritte: HOLY SHIT! That felt really good. Is that how you southern Lords have sex down there? I really liked that!
Jon: No. It's just something I made up on my own. It doesn't have a name yet.
Ygritte: Let's call it, "Cunnilingus."
Jon: Sure. Why not?
Ygritte: Do it again. I want you to do it to me forever! Let's just say in this cave forever and join Gorne's descendants.
Jon: Well, my tongue will get tired a lot sooner than that, and I don't see a really reliable food source. Also joining a tribe of inbred mole people doesn't sound that appealing.
Ygritte: Why do you have to ruin everything?
The Magnar of Thenn: Hey, you're not a double agent trying to betray us, are you?
Jon: No. Of course not. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to wonder off and brood alone.
He wonders off, and goes to find wherever Ghost has gotten himself.
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Whattup?]
Jon: Ghost, we gotta go over the Wall. And there is no way you can come with me. So we're going to have to part ways soon. I'm sorry. I hope you're smart enough to find Castle Black on your own! That's where you should go, boy. Do you understand me? I hope you do!
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Don't talk down to me, asshole. Of course I understand you. It's well established in this book series that you're part warg yourself and you and me have a mental connection. Based on that, I can clearly understand you. I guess I'll see you at Castle Black. If you live. Bye, Felicia].
Ghost leaves. Probably to go find some wolf girls to get it on with. Because he's mentally linked with Jon Snow and Jon is thinking about very similar things.
Jon heads back to the camp.
Ygritte: Hey. So we should have sex now. You know, to prove that you're no longer a chaste Crow loyal to the Night's Watch.
Jon: Hrm. I suppose... if I HAVE TO in order to prove myself.
They have the sex.
Jon: That actually felt pretty good. But now that I've done it, I've proven myself. I never have to do that again! Just once. That's all I needed to do it to prove myself to the Wildlings. It's BARELY even breaking my vows so long as I only do it once.
Ygritte: Hey! Come back here.
They then have sex three more times before the next morning.
Jon: DAMNIT! Why does that feel so good?! This is so dishonorable. I feel all this shame inside. I wonder if that's how my dad felt when he cheated on mom with some lady to make me, his bastard/
Wildling: HEY WOLF BOY! Stop fucking that ginger. The Magnar and Jarl want to see you.
Jon: Jarl? I forget which one Jarl is again.
Wildling: Some guy that Mance gave joint custody of this company to. Magnar leaves half of it, and Jarl leads the other half of it. But it's a very tense situation because the two hate each other, and are extremely jealous.
Jon: Wow. Why would Mance do that? It doesn't seem to make much sense.
Wildling: Well, I think it's mainly used as a narrative device to show that, even though it SEEMS like we Wildlings are all one big mass of people, we are in fact a bunch of different tribes with different loyalties. Although we all want to live and have joined together under Mance... it's really a paper-thin alliance that could easily fall apart.
Jon: Ah, I see.
Jon goes to see the Magnar and Jarl.
Magnar: Jon, tell me how these Crow patrols work, so that we can better evade them. AND DON'T FUCKING LIE!
Jon: Well, they ride on mules on top of the Wall in groups of four. Some groups also on horse survey the case of the Wall. It's a mix of warriors to watch out for Wildlings, as well as builders to check on and verify the condition of the wall. Make sure there aren't any holes or cracks developing.
Magnar: No shit, Sherlock. You're explaining the obvious. What I'm asking is what he schedules are. So that we can go at a time when they're not doing their rounds.
Jon: Ah, well. That's actually done pretty randomly. It's not a set schedule. That way we keep the Wildlings guessing. If we had a set schedule then the Wildlings would be able to simply watch us and figure it out.
Magnar: Ugh. That sucks. And how many of these Castles along the wall are staffed by Crows? And how many Crows are there, total?
Jon: Well, only Castle Black, Eastwatch by the Sea, and the Shadow Tower have men in them. As for the number of men... uhm...
Jon thinks of the accurate number, but then doubles it.
Magnar: Are you sure that's right? Because it sounds like you thought of an accurate number, but then doubled it.
Jon: What? NO! Of course not.
Magnar: I saw you counting on your fingers. And then you mouthed "what's double that?"
Jon: No. No. I said... err... Double Dare. Not Double That. Remember? That Mark Summers TV game show where the kids got slimed and stuff.
Magnar: We don't have that TV show up where the Thenns live.
Jon: Okay. Is that all you wanted to know? Because I've got to find my new girlfriend. I do not have the self control to stop having sex with her.
Magnar: Fine, whatever. Keep that shit to yourself though. GET A ROOM.
Jon goes looking for her. But he doesn't get a room. He gets a cave.
Jon: What the hell are you doing in this ice cave?
Ygritte: Oh, it's called Gorne's Way.
Jon: Oh, I think I've heard of Gorne. That's some sort of legend about a King Beyond the Wall from thousands of years ago.
Ygritte: Yes. Gorne was looking through these caves to find a secret passage to the other side of the wall underground. But there are thousands and thousands of tunnels and passages here and he got lost. They say his descendants still wander these caves, centuries later. And they're cannibals. So if people come down here they get eaten by them.
Jon: Okay, first of all... I call bullshit on that whole story. Second... if it is true that's gross because they all must be super inbred now. And last... if it is true then why the hell would you even come down here?
Ygritte: Because there is an awesome hot spring in here. Look!
She takes her clothes off and jumps in the hot spring. I don't remember if there is a spring in the book or if that's just the TV show. But let's just say there is.
Jon: Oh. Okay. I'm up for that. Let me try something new on you that I just thought of.
Jon tries that thing.
Ygritte: HOLY SHIT! That felt really good. Is that how you southern Lords have sex down there? I really liked that!
Jon: No. It's just something I made up on my own. It doesn't have a name yet.
Ygritte: Let's call it, "Cunnilingus."
Jon: Sure. Why not?
Ygritte: Do it again. I want you to do it to me forever! Let's just say in this cave forever and join Gorne's descendants.
Jon: Well, my tongue will get tired a lot sooner than that, and I don't see a really reliable food source. Also joining a tribe of inbred mole people doesn't sound that appealing.
Ygritte: Why do you have to ruin everything?
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