Jon is taking a look at Mance Rayder's giant army. It's pretty big. Much bigger than the Night's Watch had suspected. And it includes wooly mammoths and a bunch of giants who ride them.
Jon looks at Ghost, who is a magical legendary giant beast. Even Ghost seems to be unnerved by these other magical, legendary, giant beasts.
Jon: Giants. Why that reminds me of the old song about Joramun blowing the Horn of Winter to wake giants from the earth. Weird. Why do I keep talking about horns? Like that horn that I gave to Sam.
Tormund: HAHAHA! Hey you! Yeah, you! Giant!
Mag Mar Tun Doh Weg: Who, me?
Tormund: Yeah, you! FUCK YOU! Stupid giant.
Jon: Wow. That's pretty messed up. Why would you just insult a giant like that for no reason.
Tormund: Because it's sort of funny to do. I'm pretty much just a comic relief character.
Jon: One of your nicknames is Giantsbane. Is it true you killed a giant?
Tormund: Oh well, about that... I cut open this giant's stomach and I lived inside of it to keep warm.
Jon: It sound suspiciously like you're stealing that story from Empire Strikes Back.
Tormund: No. It's a legit story. And I once fucked a bear too.
Jon: Yeah. You keep telling everyone the "I fucked a bear" story. I'm not sure we want to hear that.
Tormund: Boo.
Jon: Soo...uhm... you also have a nickname that is "Horn Blower." Does that have anything to do with the Horn of Joramun?
Tormund: Why do you ask? Perhaps you're some sort of Night's Watch sleeper agent sent here to spy on us and only PRETEND to be our ally so that you could learn more about Mance's plans and specifically if we have any plan to use the Horn of Joramun to bring down the Wall?
Jon: WHAT?! NO! NO! OF COURSE NOT! I... uhm... ermm... I mean I...
Tormund: Hahahaha, just fucking with you, kid.
Jon: *whew* That was a close one.
Tormund: Hey, speaking of sticking your penis in things... is it true that you Night's Watch boys are all castrated when you join and have no dicks?
Jon: What? NO!!! We just make a vow to not have sex. They don't actually cut anything off.
Tormund: Ah, then why so you keep avoiding Ygritte?
Jon: I'm not avoiding her.
Tormund: Oh please. She's not even being subtle about how much she can't wait to "get six inches of snow." If you know what I mean.
Jon: Old joke. Everyone makes that.
Tormund: The girl is cute enough. And she wants you. Bad. Why won't you have sex with her? Is it because you're some sort of Night's Watch sleeper agent sent here to spy on us and only PRETEND to be our ally so that you could learn more about Mance's plans and specifically if we have any plan to use the Horn of Joramun to bring down the Wall? And because you're still a sworn member of the Night's Watch you're unable to break your oath to not have sex? Therefore you continue to avoid Ygritte's advanced in order to keep your vow?
Jon: WHAT?! NO! NO! OF COURSE NOT! I... uhm... ermm... I mean I...
Tormund: Hahahaha, just fucking with you, kid.
Jon: *whew* That was a close one. Again.
Tormund: Then what's the reason?
Jon: Well, you know. I'm a bastard. And it sucked growing up as a bastard. I don't want to make any more bastards and have them have just as miserable a life as me.
Tormund: What does bastard mean?
Jon: It's a child born out of wedlock. You know, unmarried parents.
Tormund: Oh. Well the concept of marriage doesn't exactly exist north of the Wall like it does south. So we don't really care about that type of stuff. So there is no shame up here.
Jon then goes all reflective. Sure these guys are "savages" but their way of life actually seems pretty cool and noble. Jon regrets the fact that he might have to assassinate Mance. Mance is the only one holding all these disparate tribes of the Wildlings together. If he dies, this army will likely fall apart without a leader. Jon knows Mormont might also be planning to strike, despite being wildly outnumbered.
Later that night, everyone is sitting around at camp and Ygritte is singing a very subtle song.
Ygritte: Oh I love Jon Snow and I want him to put his penis in me. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me Jon Snow.
Jon: Hrm, I wonder what this very subtle song is about.
Out of nowhere then, an eagle attacks Jon.
Eagle: Ca-CAW! [Translation: I HATE YOU, JON SNOW!]
Jon: OW! WHAT THE FUCK?!
Rattleshirt: Hahahaha, hilarious. You know when you killed that warg Orell, right? But you killed him when he was warging into this Eagle's body. So now Orell is trapped inside the Eagle forever. And the eagle fucking hates you, man.
Ygritte beats the eagle off.
Jon: Thanks Ygritte.
Ygritte: Oh, that's not the only thing I plan on beating off.
Jon: Huh? I don't follow.
Ygritte: You know nothing, Jon S--
Rattleshirt: --SNOW! Mance wants to see you.
Jon: OHTHANKGOD.
Jon gets up and follows Rattleshirt to get away from Ygritte. He's not sure how much longer he can keep his vows with Ygritte's sexy redhead self always sexually harassing him.
Rattleshirt takes Jon to a familiar place. The Fist of the First Men. This is the last place Jon camped at with the Night's Watch before being sent out with the Halfhand on his espionage mission. Jon sees dead bodies everywhere. His brothers of the Night's Watch. Horses. Something horrible happened here.
Jon: Oh shit. I wonder if Sam is okay. The rest of them? Meh.
Mance is there, waiting for him.
Mance: Well, well, well Jon Snow. You said you were just a small party scouting here. And yet I find a camp set up for AN ENTIRE FUCKING ARMY. You fucking liar. I ought to kill you right now.
Rattleshirt: Oh yes. Please, please, PLEASE do that. I hate this guy.
Mance: So tell me. How many of you were there?
Jon knows that he might just die if he doesn't tell the truth. So he does.
Jon: 300 of us.
Mance: And who led them?
Jon: Jorah Mormont.
Mance: What? Really? The old man himself?
Jon: Yes. He left Bowen Marsh in charge at Castle Black.
Mance: Hahaha. Sweet. Marsh is a fucking worthless idiot. The crows probably did us a favor by marching on us. Or TRYING TO. They woke up the dead. And there is no defense when the dead walk. Now look at this place. The Wights killed Mormont and his army. Or at least most of it, from the looks of things. And the Wall is now defended by a stupid moron who couldn't lead androids to a picnic.
Jon: I think it's ants, but--
Mance: Varamyr... find out where the Wights have gotten to. Rattleshirt... double the patrols.
Rattleshirt: This Jon Snow kid was lying to us though, Mance. We should kill him. He's still one of those Crows!
Ygritte then jumps in front of Jon.
Ygritte: No way. He's not loyal to the Crows. He's given up his vows. I know it! You know how brothers of the Night's Watch aren't supposed to have sex, right? Well he and I have TONS of sex. Like all the time. Oral. Anal. 69. Doggy style. Cowgirl. Reverse cowgirl. The python. The crouching tiger. The snowdrop. The screwdriver. The spread eagle. The hook. The hucklebuck. The Doogie Howser. The Cleopatra. The blue elephant. The brown windmill. The Atlanta overpass. The angry dolphin. The two-buck chuck. The sandy seashell. The inverted tilt-o-whirl. The Bud Lite Lime. The Bob Backlund crossface chicken wing. The--
Mance: --How many of those are you just making right now versus being real sex positions?
Ygritte: Oh, they're all real. And I've done them all with Jon Snow. Which proves that he's left them Crows and joined us.
Mance: Is this true, Jon?
Jon: Uhh... yes.
Mance: Well, then I'll afford you one LAST chance to prove yourself. Go with Styr and Jarl in a scouting expedition beyond the Wall.
Styr: What? No!
Jarl: Yeah, forget that. Jon Snow sucks.
Mance: Well, to get across the Wall... and then when he's on the other side of it... he'll likely have to KILL his brothers of the Night's Watch and the local townspeople. If he does so, we'll know he's true. Deeds are truer than words. If he doesn't... well... then you KILL HIM.
Jon: *GULP*
Mance then leaves. Rattleshirt looks at Jon in disgust.
Rattleshirt: Mance might be fooled by you... but I'm not! I should kill you right now!
Ygritte: I wouldn't do that if I were you. Look behind you.
Rattleshirt turns around and sees Ghost.
Ghost: *growl* [Translation: *growl*]
Rattleshirt: You win this round, Jon Snow. But Jarl and Styr will sort you out for the traitor you are.
Rattleshirt then leaves. Now it's just Jon and Ygritte.
Jon: Thanks for lying for me about the sex, Ygritte. You saved my life.
Ygritte: Oh, I wasn't lying about the sex. I just didn't say WHEN we had the sex.
Jon: Huh?
Ygritte: Like Mance said, deeds are truer than words. Now take those fucking pants off.
Jon: I feel like I should join the #metoo movement.
Jon looks at Ghost, who is a magical legendary giant beast. Even Ghost seems to be unnerved by these other magical, legendary, giant beasts.
Jon: Giants. Why that reminds me of the old song about Joramun blowing the Horn of Winter to wake giants from the earth. Weird. Why do I keep talking about horns? Like that horn that I gave to Sam.
Tormund: HAHAHA! Hey you! Yeah, you! Giant!
Mag Mar Tun Doh Weg: Who, me?
Tormund: Yeah, you! FUCK YOU! Stupid giant.
Jon: Wow. That's pretty messed up. Why would you just insult a giant like that for no reason.
Tormund: Because it's sort of funny to do. I'm pretty much just a comic relief character.
Jon: One of your nicknames is Giantsbane. Is it true you killed a giant?
Tormund: Oh well, about that... I cut open this giant's stomach and I lived inside of it to keep warm.
Jon: It sound suspiciously like you're stealing that story from Empire Strikes Back.
Tormund: No. It's a legit story. And I once fucked a bear too.
Jon: Yeah. You keep telling everyone the "I fucked a bear" story. I'm not sure we want to hear that.
Tormund: Boo.
Jon: Soo...uhm... you also have a nickname that is "Horn Blower." Does that have anything to do with the Horn of Joramun?
Tormund: Why do you ask? Perhaps you're some sort of Night's Watch sleeper agent sent here to spy on us and only PRETEND to be our ally so that you could learn more about Mance's plans and specifically if we have any plan to use the Horn of Joramun to bring down the Wall?
Jon: WHAT?! NO! NO! OF COURSE NOT! I... uhm... ermm... I mean I...
Tormund: Hahahaha, just fucking with you, kid.
Jon: *whew* That was a close one.
Tormund: Hey, speaking of sticking your penis in things... is it true that you Night's Watch boys are all castrated when you join and have no dicks?
Jon: What? NO!!! We just make a vow to not have sex. They don't actually cut anything off.
Tormund: Ah, then why so you keep avoiding Ygritte?
Jon: I'm not avoiding her.
Tormund: Oh please. She's not even being subtle about how much she can't wait to "get six inches of snow." If you know what I mean.
Jon: Old joke. Everyone makes that.
Tormund: The girl is cute enough. And she wants you. Bad. Why won't you have sex with her? Is it because you're some sort of Night's Watch sleeper agent sent here to spy on us and only PRETEND to be our ally so that you could learn more about Mance's plans and specifically if we have any plan to use the Horn of Joramun to bring down the Wall? And because you're still a sworn member of the Night's Watch you're unable to break your oath to not have sex? Therefore you continue to avoid Ygritte's advanced in order to keep your vow?
Jon: WHAT?! NO! NO! OF COURSE NOT! I... uhm... ermm... I mean I...
Tormund: Hahahaha, just fucking with you, kid.
Jon: *whew* That was a close one. Again.
Tormund: Then what's the reason?
Jon: Well, you know. I'm a bastard. And it sucked growing up as a bastard. I don't want to make any more bastards and have them have just as miserable a life as me.
Tormund: What does bastard mean?
Jon: It's a child born out of wedlock. You know, unmarried parents.
Tormund: Oh. Well the concept of marriage doesn't exactly exist north of the Wall like it does south. So we don't really care about that type of stuff. So there is no shame up here.
Jon then goes all reflective. Sure these guys are "savages" but their way of life actually seems pretty cool and noble. Jon regrets the fact that he might have to assassinate Mance. Mance is the only one holding all these disparate tribes of the Wildlings together. If he dies, this army will likely fall apart without a leader. Jon knows Mormont might also be planning to strike, despite being wildly outnumbered.
Later that night, everyone is sitting around at camp and Ygritte is singing a very subtle song.
Ygritte: Oh I love Jon Snow and I want him to put his penis in me. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me Jon Snow.
Jon: Hrm, I wonder what this very subtle song is about.
Out of nowhere then, an eagle attacks Jon.
Eagle: Ca-CAW! [Translation: I HATE YOU, JON SNOW!]
Jon: OW! WHAT THE FUCK?!
Rattleshirt: Hahahaha, hilarious. You know when you killed that warg Orell, right? But you killed him when he was warging into this Eagle's body. So now Orell is trapped inside the Eagle forever. And the eagle fucking hates you, man.
Ygritte beats the eagle off.
Jon: Thanks Ygritte.
Ygritte: Oh, that's not the only thing I plan on beating off.
Jon: Huh? I don't follow.
Ygritte: You know nothing, Jon S--
Rattleshirt: --SNOW! Mance wants to see you.
Jon: OHTHANKGOD.
Jon gets up and follows Rattleshirt to get away from Ygritte. He's not sure how much longer he can keep his vows with Ygritte's sexy redhead self always sexually harassing him.
Rattleshirt takes Jon to a familiar place. The Fist of the First Men. This is the last place Jon camped at with the Night's Watch before being sent out with the Halfhand on his espionage mission. Jon sees dead bodies everywhere. His brothers of the Night's Watch. Horses. Something horrible happened here.
Jon: Oh shit. I wonder if Sam is okay. The rest of them? Meh.
Mance is there, waiting for him.
Mance: Well, well, well Jon Snow. You said you were just a small party scouting here. And yet I find a camp set up for AN ENTIRE FUCKING ARMY. You fucking liar. I ought to kill you right now.
Rattleshirt: Oh yes. Please, please, PLEASE do that. I hate this guy.
Mance: So tell me. How many of you were there?
Jon knows that he might just die if he doesn't tell the truth. So he does.
Jon: 300 of us.
Mance: And who led them?
Jon: Jorah Mormont.
Mance: What? Really? The old man himself?
Jon: Yes. He left Bowen Marsh in charge at Castle Black.
Mance: Hahaha. Sweet. Marsh is a fucking worthless idiot. The crows probably did us a favor by marching on us. Or TRYING TO. They woke up the dead. And there is no defense when the dead walk. Now look at this place. The Wights killed Mormont and his army. Or at least most of it, from the looks of things. And the Wall is now defended by a stupid moron who couldn't lead androids to a picnic.
Jon: I think it's ants, but--
Mance: Varamyr... find out where the Wights have gotten to. Rattleshirt... double the patrols.
Rattleshirt: This Jon Snow kid was lying to us though, Mance. We should kill him. He's still one of those Crows!
Ygritte then jumps in front of Jon.
Ygritte: No way. He's not loyal to the Crows. He's given up his vows. I know it! You know how brothers of the Night's Watch aren't supposed to have sex, right? Well he and I have TONS of sex. Like all the time. Oral. Anal. 69. Doggy style. Cowgirl. Reverse cowgirl. The python. The crouching tiger. The snowdrop. The screwdriver. The spread eagle. The hook. The hucklebuck. The Doogie Howser. The Cleopatra. The blue elephant. The brown windmill. The Atlanta overpass. The angry dolphin. The two-buck chuck. The sandy seashell. The inverted tilt-o-whirl. The Bud Lite Lime. The Bob Backlund crossface chicken wing. The--
Mance: --How many of those are you just making right now versus being real sex positions?
Ygritte: Oh, they're all real. And I've done them all with Jon Snow. Which proves that he's left them Crows and joined us.
Mance: Is this true, Jon?
Jon: Uhh... yes.
Mance: Well, then I'll afford you one LAST chance to prove yourself. Go with Styr and Jarl in a scouting expedition beyond the Wall.
Styr: What? No!
Jarl: Yeah, forget that. Jon Snow sucks.
Mance: Well, to get across the Wall... and then when he's on the other side of it... he'll likely have to KILL his brothers of the Night's Watch and the local townspeople. If he does so, we'll know he's true. Deeds are truer than words. If he doesn't... well... then you KILL HIM.
Jon: *GULP*
Mance then leaves. Rattleshirt looks at Jon in disgust.
Rattleshirt: Mance might be fooled by you... but I'm not! I should kill you right now!
Ygritte: I wouldn't do that if I were you. Look behind you.
Rattleshirt turns around and sees Ghost.
Ghost: *growl* [Translation: *growl*]
Rattleshirt: You win this round, Jon Snow. But Jarl and Styr will sort you out for the traitor you are.
Rattleshirt then leaves. Now it's just Jon and Ygritte.
Jon: Thanks for lying for me about the sex, Ygritte. You saved my life.
Ygritte: Oh, I wasn't lying about the sex. I just didn't say WHEN we had the sex.
Jon: Huh?
Ygritte: Like Mance said, deeds are truer than words. Now take those fucking pants off.
Jon: I feel like I should join the #metoo movement.
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