Davos sits in a warm jail cell, deep within the volcano of Dragonstone. There is no light, so he cannot really tell night from day. His only clue as to the passage of time is his two jailers - who seem to work on a shift schedule with one being the night jailer and the other being the day jailer. But his jailers won't even talk to him.
Davos: HEY! HEY! Tell me what's going on! How is King Stannis? How many of the fleet survived? Are any of my kids alive? And I know this is a long shot... but aas anyone found my lost fingerbones in the ocean?
Jailer: ...
Davos: Ah, well at least you're better than fucking Mord. *cough*cough*
Davos goes into a coughing fit. That sickness he caught when he was washed away to sea and stranded on that island still has''t gone away. His cough is awful and he feels like he's going to die. But Maester Pylos stops by every once and a while and helps give him medicine and food to make him better. For a while, he pukes up all the food. Eventually, he improves and feels like he's not dying.
Davos: I wonder why they're keeping me alive. I bet it's only so that cunt Mel can sacrifice me on the pyre to her red god anyway.
Melisandre: Bitch, you talking shit about me?
Davos: Oh... oh SHIT! Mel... I didn't know you were there. But in fairness, it's super dark here. So how would I?
Mel: The night is dark and full of terrors.
Davos: You're a broken record with that shit. So you gotta burn me or what? You evil fucking mother of darkness.
Mel: Oooh... Mother of Darkness? Band Name?
Davos: Hrm. Maybe.
Mel: But anyway... no. I'm actually the opposite of that. The Lord of Light's purpose for me is to keep the darkness at bay.
Davos: At bay? Huh? Interesting choice of words. Because the last time I was in a BAY with you, it was the bay outside of Storm's End and you made me steer my boat up into the secret tunnels where you gave birth to an EVIL FUCKING SHADOW BABY that MURDERED Cortnay Penrose.
Mel: Shadows only exist where there is light. Anyway, I can't do that again because King Stannis is too weak to mount me and put that magical shadow baby seed in me. But I guess I could technically take some love juice from anyone if I really wanted. Including you. So how about you at least enjoy yourself while you're imprisoned?
Davos: Wait... you're trying to have sex with me? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! GET AWAY FROM ME! I want nothing to with your crazy fucking cult religion. It's worse than scientology.
Mel: Your faith in the false seven gods is misplaced. There are not seven - there are only two. Two sides in the great war! On one side there is my god, the god of light - R'hllor. Then there is the Great Other, whose name must not be spoken, the Lord of Darkness, the Soul of Ice, the God of Night and Terror.
Davos: Voldemort?
Mel: Which side do you serve? I look into your heart and I see doubt.
Davos: Yeah, doubt and arterial plaque.
Mel: Why did you try to kill me?
Davos: I got a question for you instead - who betrayed me and told you of my plan? Was it fucking Saan, that shithead pirate?
Mel: Technically nobody betrayed you. I saw it in the flames. Although admittedly, after I saw it in the flames you shouted to the entire island that you planned on killing me. So that's on you.
Davos: Well, if you can see the future in the flames... then how come we lost at King's Landing?
Mel: If I was allowed to come to the battle, things would have been very different and we would have won. The Lord of Light chose to punish Stannis for his lack of faith. Despiet that lack of faith, Stannis still remains the Lord's chosen one - Azor Ahai reborn.
Davos: Say what now?
Mel: Azor Ahai. The legendary hero who wielded the blade, Lightbringer. You know. Hyrkoon the Hero?
Davos: Nope. Never heard of him.
Mel: Yin Tar?
Davos: Nah.
Mel: Neferion.
Davos: No.
Mel: Eldric Shadowchaser.
Davos: Still not ringing a bell.
Mel: The chosen one! For it was foretold that when the red star bleeds that--
Davos: --OH GOD NO. NOT THIS COMET SHIT AGAIN. I THOUGHT WE LEFT THIS COMET STUFF BEHIND IN THE LAST BOOK!
Mel: Whatever. The point is that Stannis is that guy. And you, Davos, you have served R'hollor as well... even as you doubt his existence. The flames tell me that you still have a role to play.
She leaves.
Davos: Cryptic.
Three days later... or at least what Davos THINKS is three days, due to the changeover of guards...
Ser Axell Florent: Get in this jail cell, traitor!!!!
Florent comes down and throws in a new prisoner, his own relative and the Hand of King Stannis, Alester Florent.
Davos: What the hell? Aren't you Stannis's Hand?
Alester: Yes! I am! Or was, I guess.
Davos: Then why are you being thrown in this dungeon with me?
Alester: We've lost this war! Stannis will never take the Iron Throne. But he's a fool. He won't leave his room and he holds on to these impossible dreams. All he does is hang out with the Red Woman and mumble about waking up "stone dragons" from the depths of Dragonstone. He's going to get us all killed! All I wanted to do was try to salavge something from this mess. All I wanted to do was make some sort of peace that would prevent us all from being executed. So I wrote a letter to Tywin Lannister, offering terms. Stannis gives up his claim to the throne and retracts his statement that Joffrey is an incest child. In exchange, he's confirmed as Lord of Dragonstone and Storm's End and we have peace. And I was going to offer to seal the deal by marrying Shireen to Tommen.
Davos: Well, Stannis is a stubborn asshole. He's never going to yield. He's never going to retract his statement about Joffrey. Especially because he believes it's true. And since he thinks it's true... that means he thinks that Tommen is an incest baby. Which means he'd never allow Shireen to be married to him. So your plan is sort of shit.
Alester: Well yeah, Stannis obviously thought so too. Hence be being thrown in this jail.
Alester then begins crying.
Davos: Ugh. I think it was better when I was alone.
Davos: HEY! HEY! Tell me what's going on! How is King Stannis? How many of the fleet survived? Are any of my kids alive? And I know this is a long shot... but aas anyone found my lost fingerbones in the ocean?
Jailer: ...
Davos: Ah, well at least you're better than fucking Mord. *cough*cough*
Davos goes into a coughing fit. That sickness he caught when he was washed away to sea and stranded on that island still has''t gone away. His cough is awful and he feels like he's going to die. But Maester Pylos stops by every once and a while and helps give him medicine and food to make him better. For a while, he pukes up all the food. Eventually, he improves and feels like he's not dying.
Davos: I wonder why they're keeping me alive. I bet it's only so that cunt Mel can sacrifice me on the pyre to her red god anyway.
Melisandre: Bitch, you talking shit about me?
Davos: Oh... oh SHIT! Mel... I didn't know you were there. But in fairness, it's super dark here. So how would I?
Mel: The night is dark and full of terrors.
Davos: You're a broken record with that shit. So you gotta burn me or what? You evil fucking mother of darkness.
Mel: Oooh... Mother of Darkness? Band Name?
Davos: Hrm. Maybe.
Mel: But anyway... no. I'm actually the opposite of that. The Lord of Light's purpose for me is to keep the darkness at bay.
Davos: At bay? Huh? Interesting choice of words. Because the last time I was in a BAY with you, it was the bay outside of Storm's End and you made me steer my boat up into the secret tunnels where you gave birth to an EVIL FUCKING SHADOW BABY that MURDERED Cortnay Penrose.
Mel: Shadows only exist where there is light. Anyway, I can't do that again because King Stannis is too weak to mount me and put that magical shadow baby seed in me. But I guess I could technically take some love juice from anyone if I really wanted. Including you. So how about you at least enjoy yourself while you're imprisoned?
Davos: Wait... you're trying to have sex with me? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! GET AWAY FROM ME! I want nothing to with your crazy fucking cult religion. It's worse than scientology.
Mel: Your faith in the false seven gods is misplaced. There are not seven - there are only two. Two sides in the great war! On one side there is my god, the god of light - R'hllor. Then there is the Great Other, whose name must not be spoken, the Lord of Darkness, the Soul of Ice, the God of Night and Terror.
Davos: Voldemort?
Mel: Which side do you serve? I look into your heart and I see doubt.
Davos: Yeah, doubt and arterial plaque.
Mel: Why did you try to kill me?
Davos: I got a question for you instead - who betrayed me and told you of my plan? Was it fucking Saan, that shithead pirate?
Mel: Technically nobody betrayed you. I saw it in the flames. Although admittedly, after I saw it in the flames you shouted to the entire island that you planned on killing me. So that's on you.
Davos: Well, if you can see the future in the flames... then how come we lost at King's Landing?
Mel: If I was allowed to come to the battle, things would have been very different and we would have won. The Lord of Light chose to punish Stannis for his lack of faith. Despiet that lack of faith, Stannis still remains the Lord's chosen one - Azor Ahai reborn.
Davos: Say what now?
Mel: Azor Ahai. The legendary hero who wielded the blade, Lightbringer. You know. Hyrkoon the Hero?
Davos: Nope. Never heard of him.
Mel: Yin Tar?
Davos: Nah.
Mel: Neferion.
Davos: No.
Mel: Eldric Shadowchaser.
Davos: Still not ringing a bell.
Mel: The chosen one! For it was foretold that when the red star bleeds that--
Davos: --OH GOD NO. NOT THIS COMET SHIT AGAIN. I THOUGHT WE LEFT THIS COMET STUFF BEHIND IN THE LAST BOOK!
Mel: Whatever. The point is that Stannis is that guy. And you, Davos, you have served R'hollor as well... even as you doubt his existence. The flames tell me that you still have a role to play.
She leaves.
Davos: Cryptic.
Three days later... or at least what Davos THINKS is three days, due to the changeover of guards...
Ser Axell Florent: Get in this jail cell, traitor!!!!
Florent comes down and throws in a new prisoner, his own relative and the Hand of King Stannis, Alester Florent.
Davos: What the hell? Aren't you Stannis's Hand?
Alester: Yes! I am! Or was, I guess.
Davos: Then why are you being thrown in this dungeon with me?
Alester: We've lost this war! Stannis will never take the Iron Throne. But he's a fool. He won't leave his room and he holds on to these impossible dreams. All he does is hang out with the Red Woman and mumble about waking up "stone dragons" from the depths of Dragonstone. He's going to get us all killed! All I wanted to do was try to salavge something from this mess. All I wanted to do was make some sort of peace that would prevent us all from being executed. So I wrote a letter to Tywin Lannister, offering terms. Stannis gives up his claim to the throne and retracts his statement that Joffrey is an incest child. In exchange, he's confirmed as Lord of Dragonstone and Storm's End and we have peace. And I was going to offer to seal the deal by marrying Shireen to Tommen.
Davos: Well, Stannis is a stubborn asshole. He's never going to yield. He's never going to retract his statement about Joffrey. Especially because he believes it's true. And since he thinks it's true... that means he thinks that Tommen is an incest baby. Which means he'd never allow Shireen to be married to him. So your plan is sort of shit.
Alester: Well yeah, Stannis obviously thought so too. Hence be being thrown in this jail.
Alester then begins crying.
Davos: Ugh. I think it was better when I was alone.
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