Cat is still locked up in her father, Hoster's, chambers. Like she should be for that dumb shit plan of letting Jaime Lannister go.
She hears a lot of commotion and looks outside the window. It is the army of her son - Robb Stark, the King in the North - returning to Riverrun.
Cat: Horray! My son will definitely forgive me for the dumb shit I've done. Now, instead of progressing the story forward, I will flashback to events that happened previously on the day my brother came back.
And so Cat does that. She remembers about 40 men, including Perwyn Frey, storming out of Riverrun and trampling Robb's flag as they did so. Crazy. Right?
After this flashback, which I'm sure will be totally relevant for upcoming plot purposes, Cat is summoned down to the Great Hall to meet with her son and King.
Robb shows up with a big ol' beard. It's been months since she's seen him... but it seems like years. Robb looks like a grown man now. Robb is also surrounded by a bunch of new people that she doesn't recognize.
Blackfish: Cat! How are things? I missed you!
He goes down and hugs Cat. Everyone looks around at each other, since this is some sort of huge breach of protocol. Especially for a woman who is pretty much a prisoner now.
Blackfish: Fuck all of you and your protocol. I can do what I like. I'm the fucking Blackfish.
They all nod in agreement, that is correct.
Robb: Okay, mother. We need to talk. I understand why you did what you did. Because your dainty, inferior, womanly heart. You thought what you did would help save my sisters. I get it. But it was still stupid.
Lord Rickard Karstark: This woman has robbed me of my vengeance! Jaime Lannister killed my sons!
Cat: Your sons were already dead while my daughters are still alive. They have a chance!
Karstark: Lannister played you for a fool. And worse than a fool... you are a traitor!
Robb: Okay, that's enough of that shit, Karstark. It's one thing for me to chastise her, but it's another for one of my men WHO SERVES ME to call my mom a traitor. Mom, I know what you did was for love. And it's... um... okay... to... ermm... sometimes... make... mistakes. Because of love. You know. So I forgive you.
Cat: Wow. I thought you'd be a lot harsher with me than that. I got off pretty easy. Strange. Almost as if you made some sort of love-related mistake yourself that was completely fucking stupid and therefore you find yourself less able to chastise and judge me.
Robb: Yeah. About thaaaaaaaat. Okay, I dismiss everyone in this court. Everybody leave. EVERYBODY LEAVE! Except family.
And so everyone else other than close family leaves. Some of the people that Cat didn't recognize stay though.
Cat: Why are those people staying? You said everyone except for family leave. And where the hell is Grey Wind? You never go anywhere without Grey Wind!
Robb: Ah, yes. Well. This is Lady Sybell, wife of Lord Gawen Westerling of the Crag. I captured him in the Whispering Wood. The young knight is Sybell's son, Raynald. The other knight is Ser Rolph Spicer. And the last lady is... uhm... ermmm... Lord Gawen and Sybell's daughter, Jeyne Westerling. Whoisalsomywife.
Cat: I'm sorry. What was that? I didn't catch that last part. But as you tell me, please allow me to have this giant gulp of refreshing Pepsi.
Robb: This is Jeyne Westerling, who is also my wife.
Cat: *giant comedy spit take* OH SHIT. YOU WENT DONE AND FUCKED UP.
Robb: No. Mom. Stop. You have to forgive me. I set you up in that forgiveness trap earlier. I forgave you for the dumb shit you did "for love." That means now you have to forgive me.
Cat: True. Fuck you're clever, son.
Jeyne: I promise to be a good wife and queen to King Robb! I love him very much.
Cat: Well, I can tell from those wide, sexy hips that you should be good at making babies. So at least you got that going for you.
Robb: MOM!!! Okay. Now everyone else is dismissed too. I need to talk with my mother, Edmure and the Blackfish in private.
And so the Westerlings go as well.
Cat: DAFUQ son? Isn't Lord Gawen sworn to Tywin Lannister?
Robb: Well, you know. Probably not anymore. What with me making his daughter the Queen of the North. Of course I'll have to free him now.
Cat: And... uhm... THE FREYS, SON. WHAT ABOUT THE FREYS? We needed them and surely this act has lost them! You were supposed to marry one of their daughters. You promised!
Robb: I know, I know. Look, I was wounded taking the Crag. And Jeyne helped nurse me back to health.
Cat: Oh, so she's a nurse? That's cool.
Robb: Not really.
Cat: Oh. Well in the show she's a nurse. What is she in the books?
Robb: Bland, nondescript and underdeveloped. But that's besides the point. When she was "nursing" me back to health... well... you know...
Cat: You hit that?
Robb: Yep.
Cat: And then you decided to MARRY the first woman you ever had sex with?
Robb: It would have been dishonorable not to!
Cat: Damnit, son. You are such a fuck up sometimes.
Robb: HEY LOOK. I was going through some emotional shit, mom. I had just gotten the raven that said Bran and Rickon had been murdered that day. I was sad. Jeyne was there for me. And come on. Those hips though.
Cat: True.
Robb: *sigh* I know it was dumb. Sometimes it feels like winning battles is the ONLY part of being king that I'm good at. All this politics and marriage alliance stuff is hard.
Cat: Robb, I don't know how you're going to be able to make up for this. You haven't just insulted the Freys, you have GREVIOUSLY insulted them. You know how Walder Frey is already super dick-ish about his house never getting any respect. And for you to marry the daugthter of a lesser house instead of his?
Robb: Yeah. Maybe we can make some sort of other marriage alliance to make up for this.
Cat: Walder wanted to be grandfather to a king! No matter what other deal he gets, it won't be as good as you. I made a deal with him and you went back on it. Also, you never answered my question from earlier. Where the hell is Grey Wind?
Robb: Oh, I don't keep him around anymore. Jeyne is scared of him.
Cat: WHAT THE HELL?! That direwolf is your protector! He helped you in all those battles. He was always by your side. He's not just a pet, Robb. He's part of you. All of the direwolves were meant to be. Five direwolves found for the five Stark children. It was fate! Just think of the one that was with Bran! He had magical direwolf powers and sensed when Bran was in danger. He protected Bran when that catspaw killer was in the room. Grey Wind is the same for you.
Robb: Six, mom.
Cat: Huh?
Robb: There were six wolves, not five. And six children. You're forgetting about Jon Snow and his direwolf too.
Cat: Ah yeah, well fuck that kid and his stupid fucking wolf.
Robb: Wow mom. Just wow. You're a pretty horrible stepmom.
Cat: My point is, the wolves were sent by the heavens to watch over you children. You must keep them by your sides!
Robb: Well, I USED to believe that. But a fat lot of good Summer and Shaggydog did protecting Bran and Rickon. They're dead now.
Then the Blackfish and Edmure suddenly remebered that they are still part of this scene and Robb hasn't dismissed them.
Edmure: Oh shit. We're still here. Were we supposed to be doing anything?
Robb: Yeah. You're still here because me and Blackfish are about to ream your asshole out for disobeying my fucking orders.
Edmure: WHAT?!
Blackfish: The King told you to stay at Riverrun. And yet your ill-advised raids against Tywin's army fucked all of our plans up.
Edmure: Ill-advised? My raids were succesful! I messed up Tywin's armies!
Blackfish: BUT YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO. Your raids delayed Tywin's army. And delaying his army allowed him to receive news of Stannis's attack on King's Landing. That caused Tywin to change his plans, meet up with the Tyrells, and march on King's Landing. They took Stannis in the rear and--
Robb: --Hehehe. "Took Stannis in the rear."
Cat: SON! Stop that! You're supposed to act kingly!
Robb: Yeah, yeah. I know I am the king. But I'm also still a teenager.
Blackfish: ANYWAY. The whole thing fucked up Robb's plan to trap Tywin in he west. And it ALSO prevented Stannis from defeating Joffrey like he would have. So pretty much YOU FUCKED EVERYTHING UP.
Edmure: Oh. Uhmm. Oops?
Blackfish: Oops? OOPS? Is that really all you have to say?
Edmure: And... uhm... sorry?
Cat: Whatever. Lannisters, Tyrells. All of that shit has to wait. We have a bigger problem right now. The Greyjoys! So long as Theon Greyjoy holds Winterfell my son, your own claim as King of the North seems like a farce. If you can't protect your own home - how do you mean to claim a kingdom?
Robb: Yeah, I know. We've got to do something to get Winterfell back!
Cat: And you know what stands between us and Winterfell? The Twins and Lord Frey.
Robb: Yes. We need to find some way to get Walder Frey back on our side.
Cat: Not some way, son. Some ONE.
Robb: Cryptic much, mom?
She hears a lot of commotion and looks outside the window. It is the army of her son - Robb Stark, the King in the North - returning to Riverrun.
Cat: Horray! My son will definitely forgive me for the dumb shit I've done. Now, instead of progressing the story forward, I will flashback to events that happened previously on the day my brother came back.
And so Cat does that. She remembers about 40 men, including Perwyn Frey, storming out of Riverrun and trampling Robb's flag as they did so. Crazy. Right?
After this flashback, which I'm sure will be totally relevant for upcoming plot purposes, Cat is summoned down to the Great Hall to meet with her son and King.
Robb shows up with a big ol' beard. It's been months since she's seen him... but it seems like years. Robb looks like a grown man now. Robb is also surrounded by a bunch of new people that she doesn't recognize.
Blackfish: Cat! How are things? I missed you!
He goes down and hugs Cat. Everyone looks around at each other, since this is some sort of huge breach of protocol. Especially for a woman who is pretty much a prisoner now.
Blackfish: Fuck all of you and your protocol. I can do what I like. I'm the fucking Blackfish.
They all nod in agreement, that is correct.
Robb: Okay, mother. We need to talk. I understand why you did what you did. Because your dainty, inferior, womanly heart. You thought what you did would help save my sisters. I get it. But it was still stupid.
Lord Rickard Karstark: This woman has robbed me of my vengeance! Jaime Lannister killed my sons!
Cat: Your sons were already dead while my daughters are still alive. They have a chance!
Karstark: Lannister played you for a fool. And worse than a fool... you are a traitor!
Robb: Okay, that's enough of that shit, Karstark. It's one thing for me to chastise her, but it's another for one of my men WHO SERVES ME to call my mom a traitor. Mom, I know what you did was for love. And it's... um... okay... to... ermm... sometimes... make... mistakes. Because of love. You know. So I forgive you.
Cat: Wow. I thought you'd be a lot harsher with me than that. I got off pretty easy. Strange. Almost as if you made some sort of love-related mistake yourself that was completely fucking stupid and therefore you find yourself less able to chastise and judge me.
Robb: Yeah. About thaaaaaaaat. Okay, I dismiss everyone in this court. Everybody leave. EVERYBODY LEAVE! Except family.
And so everyone else other than close family leaves. Some of the people that Cat didn't recognize stay though.
Cat: Why are those people staying? You said everyone except for family leave. And where the hell is Grey Wind? You never go anywhere without Grey Wind!
Robb: Ah, yes. Well. This is Lady Sybell, wife of Lord Gawen Westerling of the Crag. I captured him in the Whispering Wood. The young knight is Sybell's son, Raynald. The other knight is Ser Rolph Spicer. And the last lady is... uhm... ermmm... Lord Gawen and Sybell's daughter, Jeyne Westerling. Whoisalsomywife.
Cat: I'm sorry. What was that? I didn't catch that last part. But as you tell me, please allow me to have this giant gulp of refreshing Pepsi.
Robb: This is Jeyne Westerling, who is also my wife.
Cat: *giant comedy spit take* OH SHIT. YOU WENT DONE AND FUCKED UP.
Robb: No. Mom. Stop. You have to forgive me. I set you up in that forgiveness trap earlier. I forgave you for the dumb shit you did "for love." That means now you have to forgive me.
Cat: True. Fuck you're clever, son.
Jeyne: I promise to be a good wife and queen to King Robb! I love him very much.
Cat: Well, I can tell from those wide, sexy hips that you should be good at making babies. So at least you got that going for you.
Robb: MOM!!! Okay. Now everyone else is dismissed too. I need to talk with my mother, Edmure and the Blackfish in private.
And so the Westerlings go as well.
Cat: DAFUQ son? Isn't Lord Gawen sworn to Tywin Lannister?
Robb: Well, you know. Probably not anymore. What with me making his daughter the Queen of the North. Of course I'll have to free him now.
Cat: And... uhm... THE FREYS, SON. WHAT ABOUT THE FREYS? We needed them and surely this act has lost them! You were supposed to marry one of their daughters. You promised!
Robb: I know, I know. Look, I was wounded taking the Crag. And Jeyne helped nurse me back to health.
Cat: Oh, so she's a nurse? That's cool.
Robb: Not really.
Cat: Oh. Well in the show she's a nurse. What is she in the books?
Robb: Bland, nondescript and underdeveloped. But that's besides the point. When she was "nursing" me back to health... well... you know...
Cat: You hit that?
Robb: Yep.
Cat: And then you decided to MARRY the first woman you ever had sex with?
Robb: It would have been dishonorable not to!
Cat: Damnit, son. You are such a fuck up sometimes.
Robb: HEY LOOK. I was going through some emotional shit, mom. I had just gotten the raven that said Bran and Rickon had been murdered that day. I was sad. Jeyne was there for me. And come on. Those hips though.
Cat: True.
Robb: *sigh* I know it was dumb. Sometimes it feels like winning battles is the ONLY part of being king that I'm good at. All this politics and marriage alliance stuff is hard.
Cat: Robb, I don't know how you're going to be able to make up for this. You haven't just insulted the Freys, you have GREVIOUSLY insulted them. You know how Walder Frey is already super dick-ish about his house never getting any respect. And for you to marry the daugthter of a lesser house instead of his?
Robb: Yeah. Maybe we can make some sort of other marriage alliance to make up for this.
Cat: Walder wanted to be grandfather to a king! No matter what other deal he gets, it won't be as good as you. I made a deal with him and you went back on it. Also, you never answered my question from earlier. Where the hell is Grey Wind?
Robb: Oh, I don't keep him around anymore. Jeyne is scared of him.
Cat: WHAT THE HELL?! That direwolf is your protector! He helped you in all those battles. He was always by your side. He's not just a pet, Robb. He's part of you. All of the direwolves were meant to be. Five direwolves found for the five Stark children. It was fate! Just think of the one that was with Bran! He had magical direwolf powers and sensed when Bran was in danger. He protected Bran when that catspaw killer was in the room. Grey Wind is the same for you.
Robb: Six, mom.
Cat: Huh?
Robb: There were six wolves, not five. And six children. You're forgetting about Jon Snow and his direwolf too.
Cat: Ah yeah, well fuck that kid and his stupid fucking wolf.
Robb: Wow mom. Just wow. You're a pretty horrible stepmom.
Cat: My point is, the wolves were sent by the heavens to watch over you children. You must keep them by your sides!
Robb: Well, I USED to believe that. But a fat lot of good Summer and Shaggydog did protecting Bran and Rickon. They're dead now.
Then the Blackfish and Edmure suddenly remebered that they are still part of this scene and Robb hasn't dismissed them.
Edmure: Oh shit. We're still here. Were we supposed to be doing anything?
Robb: Yeah. You're still here because me and Blackfish are about to ream your asshole out for disobeying my fucking orders.
Edmure: WHAT?!
Blackfish: The King told you to stay at Riverrun. And yet your ill-advised raids against Tywin's army fucked all of our plans up.
Edmure: Ill-advised? My raids were succesful! I messed up Tywin's armies!
Blackfish: BUT YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO. Your raids delayed Tywin's army. And delaying his army allowed him to receive news of Stannis's attack on King's Landing. That caused Tywin to change his plans, meet up with the Tyrells, and march on King's Landing. They took Stannis in the rear and--
Robb: --Hehehe. "Took Stannis in the rear."
Cat: SON! Stop that! You're supposed to act kingly!
Robb: Yeah, yeah. I know I am the king. But I'm also still a teenager.
Blackfish: ANYWAY. The whole thing fucked up Robb's plan to trap Tywin in he west. And it ALSO prevented Stannis from defeating Joffrey like he would have. So pretty much YOU FUCKED EVERYTHING UP.
Edmure: Oh. Uhmm. Oops?
Blackfish: Oops? OOPS? Is that really all you have to say?
Edmure: And... uhm... sorry?
Cat: Whatever. Lannisters, Tyrells. All of that shit has to wait. We have a bigger problem right now. The Greyjoys! So long as Theon Greyjoy holds Winterfell my son, your own claim as King of the North seems like a farce. If you can't protect your own home - how do you mean to claim a kingdom?
Robb: Yeah, I know. We've got to do something to get Winterfell back!
Cat: And you know what stands between us and Winterfell? The Twins and Lord Frey.
Robb: Yes. We need to find some way to get Walder Frey back on our side.
Cat: Not some way, son. Some ONE.
Robb: Cryptic much, mom?
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