Arya, Hot Pie and Gendry leave the safety of the woods and go to collect vegetables from an abandoned garden near the river.
Gendry: I dunno. It seems a little dangerous going out in the open like this. What if we get caught?
Arya: Please, what are the chances of that happening?
Someone walks by, singing.
Singer: You gotta make a big impression, oh yeah. Gotta like what you do. I'm a genie in a bottle, baby. Gotta rub me the right way, honey.
Arya: Well at least it's better than Mandy Moore.
Hot Pie: SHHHH!!!
Gendry: Yeah. Be quiet, Arya. We need to hide in this old, crumbling brick wall so we aren't seen or heard.
Singer: I can see you and hear you.
Arya: DAMNIT!
Arya jumps out from behind the old wall with her sword. But instead of seeing just one person, she sees three - the singer, an archer, and a solider dude with a big, lemon-colored cloak.
Arya: I will kill you all.
The three start laughing.
Arya: What? WHAT? I totally could.
Singer: Oh, little girl. Don't be crazy. Put down the sword, and we'll take you and your companions some place safe.
Hot Pie and Gendry, knowing they've been caught too, stand up and join Arya.
Singer: Where did you steal those horses from?
Arya: We didn't steal them. They're ours.
Singer: Suuuuure. Whatever. I've been rude. Let me introduce myself. My name is Tom Sevenstreams. But you can call me Tom SevenSTRINGS because I'm such a great musician. Or just Tom o' Sevens.
Arya: I highly doubt I will call you anything other than "Tom."
Archer: And I'm Anguy.
Arya: You're a guy?
Anguy: No. ANGUY.
Arya: It's "a guy." You don't add the indefinite article of "n" after "a" when you're introducing a word that begins with a consonant. You only do that with vowels. For the most part. There are some exceptions. Like when something starts with a consonant but sounds like its a vowel. Like "hour." You'd say, "I'll meet you in an hour" rather than "a hour" because hour sounds like--
Anguy: --No. ANGUY. No space in the middle. I'm not saying I'm "a guy," but "Anguy."
Arya: That's stupid. There is no way anyone could have a stupider name than you. For instance, that guy with the lemon-colored cloak there. What's your name?
Guy with Lemon-Colored Cloak: My name is Lem Lemoncloak.
Arya: I stand corrected.
Hot Pie: I'm Hot Pie!
Gendry: STUPID! Don't tell them your real name. Tell them a fake name. Like... uhh... I'm "The Bull."
Hot Pie: Oh yeah, like "Hot Pie" is my real birth name.
Arya: And my name is "Squab."
Lem: Well, based on the fact that you're wearing a tunic with Lord Bolton's sigil, I'm going to assume you all stole your horses and clothes from Lord Bolton. Which means you were prisoners of Bolton. Which means you must be Lannisters.
Arya: No way! We don't belong to any faction. Who do YOU belong to?
Anguy: We serve the king!
Arya: Yeah, but which one, dipshit? The entire last novel was called "A Clash of Kings" because there were five of them.
Anguy: We serve King Robert.
Arya: Well that's stupid because he's dead. Also, you guys don't look like you serve any king. You sort of look like a bunch of rapscallion outlaws and highwaymen that go around robbing people.
The Three Guys: *shifty eyes*
Hot Pie: We're going to Riverrun.
Arya: JESUS CHRIST, HOT PIE! WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP TELLING THEM EVERYTHING?!
Tom: You guys should come with us, back to our inn.
Arya: No thanks, we'll go on our own way. You three can fuck off.
Anguy pulls out his bow, nocks the arrow, draws the string, and points it at them.
Arya: You know, on second thought... going to an inn actually sounds pretty cool. Yeah, let's do that.
And so they follow the three back to the inn. Along the way...
Tom: Hey, can any of you three sing?
Hot Pie: Sure. Check this out.
Hot Pie starts immediately belting out the Diva Plavalaguna Opera song from "The Fifth Element." He hits all the high notes. Perfectly. Everyone's eyes fill with tears.
Arya: Holy shit. That was beautiful, Hot Pie. How the hell is it that you can sing?
Hot Pie: *shrugs*
They get to the inn where they see a boat tied up. A boat that looks suspiciously familiar to one mentioned, oh, I don't know, just a two chapters ago. The inn is suspiciously familiar too, as it has a kneeling man on the sign.
Woman: Found some strays, huh?
Lem: Yes we did, Sharna.
Arya: Sweet boat there, lady. Can I take it to Riverrun?
Gendry: No way. The water is too dangerous. We should stay on the horses.
Sharna: What you kids need to do is come inside and have some rabbit and ale.
Hot Pie: YES! FOOOOOOOOOD!
Arya: Well, I'm not sure you should be giving ale to children, but whatever. Things were different in medieval times.
They all go inside. Except for Gendry. Gendry stays outside for convenient plot purposes. Inside, the rest of them find another man as they eat the rabbit.
Husband: It's me!
Arya: Geez. This character still doesn't have a name? He's just going to be called "Husband" forever?
Sharna: I still can't believe you gave away those horses to those three people, Husband. LAME.
Husband: Well, I couldn't defeat those three on my own. One of those guys was clearly a skilled knight and the other was this lady who was GIANT. I gave those three directions to go down the road where they'd be ambushed by Lem, Anguy and Tom. It's not my fault. We would have had those horses back. Are you sure your three men weren't the ones who fucked up and missed them?
Lem: HEY! We're right here.
Husband: At least we got these good gold dragons out of the deal.
Tom: Speaking of those gold dragons, I'd like to use them to buy your horses, Squab.
Husband: No way, I already spent those gold dragons on some NASCAR tickets.
Tom: Okay, never mind then. Squab, I'll still pay you three dragons. But it will be an I.O.U. I'll give you a piece of paper that says I owe you three gold dragons. Then after the war, you can turn it in to me and I'll give you the coins.
Arya: Hahaha... PAPER CURRENCY?! It will never work, you idiot. I'm not falling for that scam. Although since you're all a bunch of fucking bandits, I feel like you're just going to steal the horses anyway. So can I at least have that boat from you as a trade?
Gendry then runs inside.
Gendry: GUYS! GUYS! There are a dozen soldiers approaching! EVERYBODY PANIC!
Tom: Meh.
Gendry: What do you mean "Meh?!" SOLDIERS!!!!
But the rest of the inn residents look unperturbed as well.
Sharna: You have no need to worry. You're with King's Men now.
Arya: Oh, not this shit again. I bet you're all Clegane's men. Fuck this.
Arya reaches for her sword and starts to pull it out. But Lem grabs her arm and twists it.
Arya: OW! Asshole! I can't believe you'd hurt a girl like that.
Lem: Well, I mean you were going to stab us. So really, it's sort of self-defense.
Arya grabs a tankard of ale and smashes it into Lem's face. She makes a break for it, but is quickly caught.
The soldiers from outside enter the inn.
Lead Soldier: Okay, just what the hell is going on here?
Arya: Wait... Harwin?
Harwin, son of Hullen (the Master of Horses of Winterfell): Oh shit. Arya Fucking Stark of Winterfell and daughter to Ned Stark?
Everyone around gasps upon the realization of who Arya is.
Gendry: HOLY SHIT. ARYA STARK? YOUR NAME IS STARK?!
Harwin: Lem, let that girl go.
Lem: Aww. Damnit. She smashed me in the face with a tankard. She broke my fucking nose.
Tom: If anything, it just makes your ugly face look better.
Arya: Hey Harwin. I have this odd feeling that the last time I saw your father, Hullen, as he lay dying, he told me to tell you something. But I can't remember. It was, like, two fucking books ago. I've gone through some shit since then.
Harwin: Yeah, so have I. I've joined the Brotherhood without Banners.
Arya: Oh right. Nevermind. That was it. I remember now. He told me to tell you NOT to do that.
Harwin: Ah. Well. Too late.
Gendry: I dunno. It seems a little dangerous going out in the open like this. What if we get caught?
Arya: Please, what are the chances of that happening?
Someone walks by, singing.
Singer: You gotta make a big impression, oh yeah. Gotta like what you do. I'm a genie in a bottle, baby. Gotta rub me the right way, honey.
Arya: Well at least it's better than Mandy Moore.
Hot Pie: SHHHH!!!
Gendry: Yeah. Be quiet, Arya. We need to hide in this old, crumbling brick wall so we aren't seen or heard.
Singer: I can see you and hear you.
Arya: DAMNIT!
Arya jumps out from behind the old wall with her sword. But instead of seeing just one person, she sees three - the singer, an archer, and a solider dude with a big, lemon-colored cloak.
Arya: I will kill you all.
The three start laughing.
Arya: What? WHAT? I totally could.
Singer: Oh, little girl. Don't be crazy. Put down the sword, and we'll take you and your companions some place safe.
Hot Pie and Gendry, knowing they've been caught too, stand up and join Arya.
Singer: Where did you steal those horses from?
Arya: We didn't steal them. They're ours.
Singer: Suuuuure. Whatever. I've been rude. Let me introduce myself. My name is Tom Sevenstreams. But you can call me Tom SevenSTRINGS because I'm such a great musician. Or just Tom o' Sevens.
Arya: I highly doubt I will call you anything other than "Tom."
Archer: And I'm Anguy.
Arya: You're a guy?
Anguy: No. ANGUY.
Arya: It's "a guy." You don't add the indefinite article of "n" after "a" when you're introducing a word that begins with a consonant. You only do that with vowels. For the most part. There are some exceptions. Like when something starts with a consonant but sounds like its a vowel. Like "hour." You'd say, "I'll meet you in an hour" rather than "a hour" because hour sounds like--
Anguy: --No. ANGUY. No space in the middle. I'm not saying I'm "a guy," but "Anguy."
Arya: That's stupid. There is no way anyone could have a stupider name than you. For instance, that guy with the lemon-colored cloak there. What's your name?
Guy with Lemon-Colored Cloak: My name is Lem Lemoncloak.
Arya: I stand corrected.
Hot Pie: I'm Hot Pie!
Gendry: STUPID! Don't tell them your real name. Tell them a fake name. Like... uhh... I'm "The Bull."
Hot Pie: Oh yeah, like "Hot Pie" is my real birth name.
Arya: And my name is "Squab."
Lem: Well, based on the fact that you're wearing a tunic with Lord Bolton's sigil, I'm going to assume you all stole your horses and clothes from Lord Bolton. Which means you were prisoners of Bolton. Which means you must be Lannisters.
Arya: No way! We don't belong to any faction. Who do YOU belong to?
Anguy: We serve the king!
Arya: Yeah, but which one, dipshit? The entire last novel was called "A Clash of Kings" because there were five of them.
Anguy: We serve King Robert.
Arya: Well that's stupid because he's dead. Also, you guys don't look like you serve any king. You sort of look like a bunch of rapscallion outlaws and highwaymen that go around robbing people.
The Three Guys: *shifty eyes*
Hot Pie: We're going to Riverrun.
Arya: JESUS CHRIST, HOT PIE! WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP TELLING THEM EVERYTHING?!
Tom: You guys should come with us, back to our inn.
Arya: No thanks, we'll go on our own way. You three can fuck off.
Anguy pulls out his bow, nocks the arrow, draws the string, and points it at them.
Arya: You know, on second thought... going to an inn actually sounds pretty cool. Yeah, let's do that.
And so they follow the three back to the inn. Along the way...
Tom: Hey, can any of you three sing?
Hot Pie: Sure. Check this out.
Hot Pie starts immediately belting out the Diva Plavalaguna Opera song from "The Fifth Element." He hits all the high notes. Perfectly. Everyone's eyes fill with tears.
Arya: Holy shit. That was beautiful, Hot Pie. How the hell is it that you can sing?
Hot Pie: *shrugs*
They get to the inn where they see a boat tied up. A boat that looks suspiciously familiar to one mentioned, oh, I don't know, just a two chapters ago. The inn is suspiciously familiar too, as it has a kneeling man on the sign.
Woman: Found some strays, huh?
Lem: Yes we did, Sharna.
Arya: Sweet boat there, lady. Can I take it to Riverrun?
Gendry: No way. The water is too dangerous. We should stay on the horses.
Sharna: What you kids need to do is come inside and have some rabbit and ale.
Hot Pie: YES! FOOOOOOOOOD!
Arya: Well, I'm not sure you should be giving ale to children, but whatever. Things were different in medieval times.
They all go inside. Except for Gendry. Gendry stays outside for convenient plot purposes. Inside, the rest of them find another man as they eat the rabbit.
Husband: It's me!
Arya: Geez. This character still doesn't have a name? He's just going to be called "Husband" forever?
Sharna: I still can't believe you gave away those horses to those three people, Husband. LAME.
Husband: Well, I couldn't defeat those three on my own. One of those guys was clearly a skilled knight and the other was this lady who was GIANT. I gave those three directions to go down the road where they'd be ambushed by Lem, Anguy and Tom. It's not my fault. We would have had those horses back. Are you sure your three men weren't the ones who fucked up and missed them?
Lem: HEY! We're right here.
Husband: At least we got these good gold dragons out of the deal.
Tom: Speaking of those gold dragons, I'd like to use them to buy your horses, Squab.
Husband: No way, I already spent those gold dragons on some NASCAR tickets.
Tom: Okay, never mind then. Squab, I'll still pay you three dragons. But it will be an I.O.U. I'll give you a piece of paper that says I owe you three gold dragons. Then after the war, you can turn it in to me and I'll give you the coins.
Arya: Hahaha... PAPER CURRENCY?! It will never work, you idiot. I'm not falling for that scam. Although since you're all a bunch of fucking bandits, I feel like you're just going to steal the horses anyway. So can I at least have that boat from you as a trade?
Gendry then runs inside.
Gendry: GUYS! GUYS! There are a dozen soldiers approaching! EVERYBODY PANIC!
Tom: Meh.
Gendry: What do you mean "Meh?!" SOLDIERS!!!!
But the rest of the inn residents look unperturbed as well.
Sharna: You have no need to worry. You're with King's Men now.
Arya: Oh, not this shit again. I bet you're all Clegane's men. Fuck this.
Arya reaches for her sword and starts to pull it out. But Lem grabs her arm and twists it.
Arya: OW! Asshole! I can't believe you'd hurt a girl like that.
Lem: Well, I mean you were going to stab us. So really, it's sort of self-defense.
Arya grabs a tankard of ale and smashes it into Lem's face. She makes a break for it, but is quickly caught.
The soldiers from outside enter the inn.
Lead Soldier: Okay, just what the hell is going on here?
Arya: Wait... Harwin?
Harwin, son of Hullen (the Master of Horses of Winterfell): Oh shit. Arya Fucking Stark of Winterfell and daughter to Ned Stark?
Everyone around gasps upon the realization of who Arya is.
Gendry: HOLY SHIT. ARYA STARK? YOUR NAME IS STARK?!
Harwin: Lem, let that girl go.
Lem: Aww. Damnit. She smashed me in the face with a tankard. She broke my fucking nose.
Tom: If anything, it just makes your ugly face look better.
Arya: Hey Harwin. I have this odd feeling that the last time I saw your father, Hullen, as he lay dying, he told me to tell you something. But I can't remember. It was, like, two fucking books ago. I've gone through some shit since then.
Harwin: Yeah, so have I. I've joined the Brotherhood without Banners.
Arya: Oh right. Nevermind. That was it. I remember now. He told me to tell you NOT to do that.
Harwin: Ah. Well. Too late.
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