Jaime, Brienne, and Ser Cleos Frey arrive at Maidenpool, the town that takes its name from the pool where the legendary Florian the Fool first spied Jonquil bathing with her sisters.
Jaime: I can’t wait to see this famous pool!
They approach it. The pool of water is full of dead, bloated corpses.
Brienne: Eww.
Jaime: Maybe I should sing the famous song about this pool.
Brienne: Please don’t.
Jaime: Okay, instead of that I will fall back into self-reflection, thinking about when my mom caught me and Cersei sleeping with one another as children. She had to separate us to keep us apart from one another. It was only Tyrion being born and killing her that eventually gave me and Cersei the opportunity to start having kid sex with each other.
Brienne: Never mind. I’d prefer you sing the song instead of talk about that.
Jaime: Whatever. Maybe Stannis did us a solid by bringing the story out in the public like that. We don’t have to hide our shame anymore. We can have it out in the open just like the Targaryens did.
Brienne: Stop talking about this aloud, Jaime. You’re supposed to be internally narrating these ideas to yourself in this chapter. Not broadly announcing them.
Jaime: Eh, it’s funnier this way. And while I’m broadly speaking out my internal monologues, I’ve also decided that I’m actually going to keep my part of the bargain with Cat Stark and release Sansa and Arya when I get back to King’s Landing. Simply as a giant fuck you to everyone who just assumes I will do the opposite.
Cleos Frey: So do I get any dialogue in this chapter?
Jaime: No.
Cleos: Oh. Well, I guess it doesn’t matter. After all, the adventure of the three of us still has a long way to go! We’re not even close to King’s Landing yet. I’m sure we’ll have dozens of more fun chapters with zany adventures together. Plenty more opportunities for my character to be developed are abound in the near future!
They are suddenly attacked by archers. Cleos falls from his horse, but his foot catches in the stirrup and he’s dragged off by the horse as it runs away. As the horse runs, Cleos’s head frequently bashes into nearby rocks and trees.
Jaime: Oh. He is so dead. Anyway. CHAAAAAAAARGEEEEE!!!
Jaime charges at the archers. Brienne shrugs her shoulders and does the same.
Archer 1: Oh wow. They are charging at us. What do we do?
Archer 2: I don’t know. Who is stupid enough to charge directly at archers?
Archer 1: Usually I’d agree with you. But look at that lady there. She’s like 7 feet tall.
They run away.
Jaime: Wow, I can’t you joined me in doing that. Honestly, that was about 30% courage on my part and another 70% of me was just trying to commit suicide.
Brienne doesn’t answer back though. She hisses and pulls an arrow out of her leg. She also has another one sticking in her back.
Jaime: Oh shit. Can I help you with those wounds? They look pretty bad.
Brienne: Leave me alone, Oathbreaker! I can take care of myself.
Jaime: Whatever, bitch.
They follow the trail of destruction that leads to Cleos Frey’s horse. Cleos lay there on the ground. His head is a mushy red paste.
Jaime: Told you. Dead. Adios, Cleos Frey. Hey wait. Didn’t the last chapter also kill a Frey? These Freys are going down like chubby girls on prom night.
Brienne: That was both sexist and discriminatory towards body shapes.
Jaime: Have you met me? Of course it was. Now let me take Cleos’s sword.
Brienne: No.
Jaime: What? He’s not using it any more. On account of the fact that his cranial vault is leaking out cherry Jell-O.
Brienne: I said no. You are not to be trusted, Kingslayer.
Jaime grabs the sword anyway and swings it at her, despite his bound hands.
They fight. Jaime is impressed with her skills in defending herself.
Jaime: Wow, you’re pretty good at this. I haven’t killed you yet. But then again, my hands are bound. Maybe you should untie them and make this a fair fight.
Brienne: SHUT UP!
Brienne strikes back and lands a few blows that almost catch Jaime. After a while, he begins to lose his breath.
Jaime: *gasp*gasp* Sorry, I’m a bit out of practice. What with me being bound in chains and put in a dungeon for several months. My conditioning and endurance is obviously suffering from that.
Brienne: YIELD!
She strikes him and he defends it at the last second, falling to his butt.
Jaime: Never!
She attacks again, once more almost delivering a deadly blow.
Brienne: I said YIELD! Don’t make me kill you!
Jaime escapes once more, and stumbles into the nearby river. They continue to fight in the river where Brienne keeps the attack on.
Jaime: Holy shit… am I… am I… LOSING?
Brienne then pins Jaime down. It looks like it’s all over for Jaime Lannister now!
Brienne: YIELD, Kingslayer! Or I will have to—
Laughing Men: *laughing*
Jaime: What the hell?
Along the river emerge a number of men, all watching the fight and cat-calling. Jaime soon recognizes them.
Jaime: The Bloody Mummers!
Urswyck: Well, we like to go by the name, “Brave Companions” instead. “Bloody Mummers” is a bit of an insult. Typically that’s what someone calls us behind our backs rather than to our faces.
Jaime: Bloody Mummers. Brave Companions. Po-tay-toe, Po-tah-toe. It’s good to see some staunch Lannister allies though. This wench Brienne of Tarth is highborn and will fetch a good ransom from her family. Well, I guess you should go ahead and free me from these chains now.
Urswyck: Uh huh, uh huh. I see where you’re going with this, Jaime. Just one issue with that though. It’s that whole “staunch Lannister allies” part of what you said.
Jaime: Go on.
Urswyck: We’ve actually switched sides. We’re on Team Stark now.
Jaime: WHAAAAAAAAAA?
Brienne: Ah, well then. It’s good to hear that you are on Team Stark. I have been sent by Lady Catelyn and Jaime Lannister is under her protection. No need to attack either of us.
Urswyck: Uh huh, uh huh. I see where you’re going with this, Brienne. Just one issue with that though. It’s that whole “No need to attack either of us” part of what you said.
Urswyck and the Bloody Mummers then beat the shit out of Jaime and Brienne. After they lay on the ground with broken bones and blood running down their bodies, the Mummers tie them up to some horses to take back to their camp.
Jaime: Well Brienne, good work.
Brienne: How is this my fault?
Jaime: I mean you could have just unbound me from my chains a long time ago.
Brienne: And you would have killed me!
Jaime: Whatever. Maybe. Maybe not. But I’m going to do you a solid and give you some advice. Please listen to me. You know what’s about to happen next. You’re a woman. Maybe not an attractive woman. But you’re still a woman. And the Bloody Mummers… well… you can probably guess what they’ll want to do to you. I know you’re going to want to fight back. But don’t. Don’t resist.
Brienne: How do you know that they’re not more interested in doing that to you, pretty boy?
Jaime: Yikes. I’ll make them kill me first.
Jaime then gets an idea.
Jaime: HEY! HEY! Urswyck you asshole! How much do I have to pay you in order to betray Vargo Hoat?
Urswyck: A fat lot more than you have, Kingslayer.
Jaime: Oh please. Haven’t you ever heard that a Lannister always pays his debts? Besides. Didn’t you hear where I said Brienne is from? Tarth? Have you heard of it?
Urswyck: Sure. They call it “The Emerald Isle.”
Jaime: Right. Because it’s full of emeralds!
Urswyck: I thought it was because all the green grass.
Jaime: Nope. Definitely emeralds. The island is full of super expensive, valuable emeralds. They wash up on the beach like seashells. The local townspeople use them to fill in potholes. That’s how many there are. If you deliver myself and Brienne to King’s Landing insead of wherever you’re taking us… you’ll be rich beyond your wildest dreams!
Urswyck: Hrm. So all I’d have to do is trust the word of an Oathbreaker, huh? Fuck that.
Urswyck slaps Jaime in the face. The ride continues.
They head back to the Bloody Mummer’s camp, which is set up near a sept that Vargo’s men are desecrating.
Brienne: Please! I beg of you! You are men loyal to the Starks! I have been sent by Lady Cat Stark and her son, King Robb!
Vargo Hoat: Ah, Bwreanne of Tarwtffff! I care not abwout what you haff to shay!
Jaime: Oh shit. It’s the speech impediment guy again? I thought we got done with him after those Arya chapters.
And look who else from the Arya chapters are here! It’s Rorge and Biter!!!
Rorge grabs Brienne and pulls her off the horse. Someone else grabs Jaime and brings him towards Vargo’s fire.
Jaime: I see you’re not THAT loyal to the Starks then, huh? Well. The Lannisters can be very forgiving. Turn back to team Lannister and I’ll forget your betrayal.
Vargo: Bethrayal? Hahaha! Forgeth our bethrayal? No, you will haff to promithe me more thhan thhat, Kingshlayer! I’ll take half the hold of Catherly Rock!
Jaime: Yes, yes. Of course! You’ll have so much gold.
Vargo: But firthh, I mush send Lord Tywin a messageth!
Vargo snaps his fingers and Urswyck knocks Jaime down to the ground. The other Bloody Mummers grab him and hold his chained arms forward.
One of the Mummers, a Dothraki, draws his arakh blade from his side.
Jaime: Oh yeah, that’s a pretty impressive scare tactic there. Put that big sword in front of me and make me think that you’re going to do something super nasty. Well, I get it. You’re going to swing that sword down and everyone will THINK that you’re going to maim me. But in reality, you’ll just cut my chains apart and free me. Hahaha. Classic GRRM misdirection there. Pretty good writing, actually. It’s sort of how the last book ended too. Everyone thought that Cat Stark was going to kill me. But what she did was free me. So it won’t be surprising when this Dothraki warrior here—
*SLICE*
JAIME: —AGGHHHH!!!!! AGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! YOU CUT MY FUCKING HAND OFF!
Jaime: I can’t wait to see this famous pool!
They approach it. The pool of water is full of dead, bloated corpses.
Brienne: Eww.
Jaime: Maybe I should sing the famous song about this pool.
Brienne: Please don’t.
Jaime: Okay, instead of that I will fall back into self-reflection, thinking about when my mom caught me and Cersei sleeping with one another as children. She had to separate us to keep us apart from one another. It was only Tyrion being born and killing her that eventually gave me and Cersei the opportunity to start having kid sex with each other.
Brienne: Never mind. I’d prefer you sing the song instead of talk about that.
Jaime: Whatever. Maybe Stannis did us a solid by bringing the story out in the public like that. We don’t have to hide our shame anymore. We can have it out in the open just like the Targaryens did.
Brienne: Stop talking about this aloud, Jaime. You’re supposed to be internally narrating these ideas to yourself in this chapter. Not broadly announcing them.
Jaime: Eh, it’s funnier this way. And while I’m broadly speaking out my internal monologues, I’ve also decided that I’m actually going to keep my part of the bargain with Cat Stark and release Sansa and Arya when I get back to King’s Landing. Simply as a giant fuck you to everyone who just assumes I will do the opposite.
Cleos Frey: So do I get any dialogue in this chapter?
Jaime: No.
Cleos: Oh. Well, I guess it doesn’t matter. After all, the adventure of the three of us still has a long way to go! We’re not even close to King’s Landing yet. I’m sure we’ll have dozens of more fun chapters with zany adventures together. Plenty more opportunities for my character to be developed are abound in the near future!
They are suddenly attacked by archers. Cleos falls from his horse, but his foot catches in the stirrup and he’s dragged off by the horse as it runs away. As the horse runs, Cleos’s head frequently bashes into nearby rocks and trees.
Jaime: Oh. He is so dead. Anyway. CHAAAAAAAARGEEEEE!!!
Jaime charges at the archers. Brienne shrugs her shoulders and does the same.
Archer 1: Oh wow. They are charging at us. What do we do?
Archer 2: I don’t know. Who is stupid enough to charge directly at archers?
Archer 1: Usually I’d agree with you. But look at that lady there. She’s like 7 feet tall.
They run away.
Jaime: Wow, I can’t you joined me in doing that. Honestly, that was about 30% courage on my part and another 70% of me was just trying to commit suicide.
Brienne doesn’t answer back though. She hisses and pulls an arrow out of her leg. She also has another one sticking in her back.
Jaime: Oh shit. Can I help you with those wounds? They look pretty bad.
Brienne: Leave me alone, Oathbreaker! I can take care of myself.
Jaime: Whatever, bitch.
They follow the trail of destruction that leads to Cleos Frey’s horse. Cleos lay there on the ground. His head is a mushy red paste.
Jaime: Told you. Dead. Adios, Cleos Frey. Hey wait. Didn’t the last chapter also kill a Frey? These Freys are going down like chubby girls on prom night.
Brienne: That was both sexist and discriminatory towards body shapes.
Jaime: Have you met me? Of course it was. Now let me take Cleos’s sword.
Brienne: No.
Jaime: What? He’s not using it any more. On account of the fact that his cranial vault is leaking out cherry Jell-O.
Brienne: I said no. You are not to be trusted, Kingslayer.
Jaime grabs the sword anyway and swings it at her, despite his bound hands.
They fight. Jaime is impressed with her skills in defending herself.
Jaime: Wow, you’re pretty good at this. I haven’t killed you yet. But then again, my hands are bound. Maybe you should untie them and make this a fair fight.
Brienne: SHUT UP!
Brienne strikes back and lands a few blows that almost catch Jaime. After a while, he begins to lose his breath.
Jaime: *gasp*gasp* Sorry, I’m a bit out of practice. What with me being bound in chains and put in a dungeon for several months. My conditioning and endurance is obviously suffering from that.
Brienne: YIELD!
She strikes him and he defends it at the last second, falling to his butt.
Jaime: Never!
She attacks again, once more almost delivering a deadly blow.
Brienne: I said YIELD! Don’t make me kill you!
Jaime escapes once more, and stumbles into the nearby river. They continue to fight in the river where Brienne keeps the attack on.
Jaime: Holy shit… am I… am I… LOSING?
Brienne then pins Jaime down. It looks like it’s all over for Jaime Lannister now!
Brienne: YIELD, Kingslayer! Or I will have to—
Laughing Men: *laughing*
Jaime: What the hell?
Along the river emerge a number of men, all watching the fight and cat-calling. Jaime soon recognizes them.
Jaime: The Bloody Mummers!
Urswyck: Well, we like to go by the name, “Brave Companions” instead. “Bloody Mummers” is a bit of an insult. Typically that’s what someone calls us behind our backs rather than to our faces.
Jaime: Bloody Mummers. Brave Companions. Po-tay-toe, Po-tah-toe. It’s good to see some staunch Lannister allies though. This wench Brienne of Tarth is highborn and will fetch a good ransom from her family. Well, I guess you should go ahead and free me from these chains now.
Urswyck: Uh huh, uh huh. I see where you’re going with this, Jaime. Just one issue with that though. It’s that whole “staunch Lannister allies” part of what you said.
Jaime: Go on.
Urswyck: We’ve actually switched sides. We’re on Team Stark now.
Jaime: WHAAAAAAAAAA?
Brienne: Ah, well then. It’s good to hear that you are on Team Stark. I have been sent by Lady Catelyn and Jaime Lannister is under her protection. No need to attack either of us.
Urswyck: Uh huh, uh huh. I see where you’re going with this, Brienne. Just one issue with that though. It’s that whole “No need to attack either of us” part of what you said.
Urswyck and the Bloody Mummers then beat the shit out of Jaime and Brienne. After they lay on the ground with broken bones and blood running down their bodies, the Mummers tie them up to some horses to take back to their camp.
Jaime: Well Brienne, good work.
Brienne: How is this my fault?
Jaime: I mean you could have just unbound me from my chains a long time ago.
Brienne: And you would have killed me!
Jaime: Whatever. Maybe. Maybe not. But I’m going to do you a solid and give you some advice. Please listen to me. You know what’s about to happen next. You’re a woman. Maybe not an attractive woman. But you’re still a woman. And the Bloody Mummers… well… you can probably guess what they’ll want to do to you. I know you’re going to want to fight back. But don’t. Don’t resist.
Brienne: How do you know that they’re not more interested in doing that to you, pretty boy?
Jaime: Yikes. I’ll make them kill me first.
Jaime then gets an idea.
Jaime: HEY! HEY! Urswyck you asshole! How much do I have to pay you in order to betray Vargo Hoat?
Urswyck: A fat lot more than you have, Kingslayer.
Jaime: Oh please. Haven’t you ever heard that a Lannister always pays his debts? Besides. Didn’t you hear where I said Brienne is from? Tarth? Have you heard of it?
Urswyck: Sure. They call it “The Emerald Isle.”
Jaime: Right. Because it’s full of emeralds!
Urswyck: I thought it was because all the green grass.
Jaime: Nope. Definitely emeralds. The island is full of super expensive, valuable emeralds. They wash up on the beach like seashells. The local townspeople use them to fill in potholes. That’s how many there are. If you deliver myself and Brienne to King’s Landing insead of wherever you’re taking us… you’ll be rich beyond your wildest dreams!
Urswyck: Hrm. So all I’d have to do is trust the word of an Oathbreaker, huh? Fuck that.
Urswyck slaps Jaime in the face. The ride continues.
They head back to the Bloody Mummer’s camp, which is set up near a sept that Vargo’s men are desecrating.
Brienne: Please! I beg of you! You are men loyal to the Starks! I have been sent by Lady Cat Stark and her son, King Robb!
Vargo Hoat: Ah, Bwreanne of Tarwtffff! I care not abwout what you haff to shay!
Jaime: Oh shit. It’s the speech impediment guy again? I thought we got done with him after those Arya chapters.
And look who else from the Arya chapters are here! It’s Rorge and Biter!!!
Rorge grabs Brienne and pulls her off the horse. Someone else grabs Jaime and brings him towards Vargo’s fire.
Jaime: I see you’re not THAT loyal to the Starks then, huh? Well. The Lannisters can be very forgiving. Turn back to team Lannister and I’ll forget your betrayal.
Vargo: Bethrayal? Hahaha! Forgeth our bethrayal? No, you will haff to promithe me more thhan thhat, Kingshlayer! I’ll take half the hold of Catherly Rock!
Jaime: Yes, yes. Of course! You’ll have so much gold.
Vargo: But firthh, I mush send Lord Tywin a messageth!
Vargo snaps his fingers and Urswyck knocks Jaime down to the ground. The other Bloody Mummers grab him and hold his chained arms forward.
One of the Mummers, a Dothraki, draws his arakh blade from his side.
Jaime: Oh yeah, that’s a pretty impressive scare tactic there. Put that big sword in front of me and make me think that you’re going to do something super nasty. Well, I get it. You’re going to swing that sword down and everyone will THINK that you’re going to maim me. But in reality, you’ll just cut my chains apart and free me. Hahaha. Classic GRRM misdirection there. Pretty good writing, actually. It’s sort of how the last book ended too. Everyone thought that Cat Stark was going to kill me. But what she did was free me. So it won’t be surprising when this Dothraki warrior here—
*SLICE*
JAIME: —AGGHHHH!!!!! AGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! YOU CUT MY FUCKING HAND OFF!
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