The greatest and most handsome character of all time, Samwell Tarly, easily walks through the snow and is under no physical duress at all. He’s not a whiny little bitch that wants to give up and die. No. He’s not like that at all.
Sam: Hahaha, because I’m the narrator I get to change how this story goes and makes myself look better.
The amazing and super-strong Samwell flexes his handsome huge muscles and---
---WAIT. NO. STOP. This just isn’t right! Besides. It’s not super-duper CONFIRMED that Sam is the narrator of the Song of Ice and Fire. That’s just a theory. So let’s just go back to a generic, boring “neutral” narration.
Sam: Boo.
So… *ahem*…
Sam, that whiny, fat slob was somehow able to survive the attack by the Wights in the prologue.
He now stumbles through the snow, crying and wanting to give up. He knows that if he stops he’s going to die.
Sam: Whatever. I’d rather die than engage in more physical activity.
Sam falls down in the snow to die.
As he lay in the snow, ready to meet his maker… he decides to… yes… that’s right… do an in media res chapter where he FLASHES BACK to fill in the narrative holes between the prologue and now…
Sam: Ugh. In media res with a flashback again? Is this GRRM’s only narrative trick? Does he know how to write chapters any other way? Why not just start from the chronological beginning and then work your way forward?
Because reasons.
Grenn: Get out of the snow, you far piece of shit. You’ll die if you stay there.
Sam: Yeah. Whatever. Just let me die.
Grenn tries to pick him up. But Sam is too fat.
Grenn: Damnit. If only there was some sort of gigantic, strong character who had just been conveniently introduced in the prologue despite never being mentioned as a member of the Night’s Watch before. He’d be able to lift Sam up.
Small Paul: Hi there! I’m Small Paul! One of the conspirators that was trying to help Chett (Duke) kill Lord Mormont and escape.
Grenn: Hey! You! Small Paul! Help lift Sam up.
Small Paul: Okay.
He lifts Sam up.
Sam: No! Stop! I just want to die.
Grenn: Shut up and just fill up this chapter by flashbacking again.
Sam: Okay.
Sam flashbacks again.
Grenn: Whoa, ICE SPIDERS? Why aren’t we lingering on this plot point more? I want to explore this issue.
Small Paul: Ugh. Too heavy.
Small Paul drops Sam in the snow. He just can’t anymore. He just can’t.
Grenn: Well, what are we going to do now? Just leave Sam to die?
Small Paul: Maybe.
Other: Yeah, that’s a good idea. Leave him right there.
Grenn: Hrm. Perhaps. I mean I’m not sure how we’re going to... wait… what? AN OTHER? AGHHHH!!!!!!!! WHITE WALKER! WHITE WALKER!!!!
Grenn and Small Paul run around in comic circles, given the arrival of this Other, riding on his disemboweled horse. This is scary enough so even Sam’s fat ass gets up and starts running.
Sam: Other! OTHER! OTHER! AGHHH!!!!
The other pulls out his sword and stabs Small Paul.
Small Paul: UGHH! Tell my mother… all I ever wanted… was a pet raven… to love. *dies*
As Paul falls over dead, his large body pulls the sword away from the Other.
Grenn: Look! His sword’s gone! He’s defenseless. Now’s are chance!
Sam: Be brave, Sam! Be brave!
Sam pulls out his dragonglass dagger, which was next to his bag of delicious, salted baseball game peanuts, and starts screaming like a girl while blindly slashing it at the Other.
Other: OW! OW! HEY! OW! STOP CUTTING ME! That really hurts and… uhm… wait… that really stings, man. Hey. HEY! Is that a peanut shell I see on the side of the dragonglass dagger?
Sam: Yes.
Other: OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK. I’m allergic to peanuts!
The White Walker / Other then explodes.
Grenn: HOLY SHIT. That was amazing, Sam.
Grenn picks up the dagger, which now lays in a steaming pile of ash where the Other used to be.
Sam: Ahahahaha. WOW. That was insane. I can’t believe I killed an Other *vomits everywhere now that the adrenaline is fading*
Grenn: Come on, we need to go find Mormont.
Sam: Hahaha, because I’m the narrator I get to change how this story goes and makes myself look better.
The amazing and super-strong Samwell flexes his handsome huge muscles and---
---WAIT. NO. STOP. This just isn’t right! Besides. It’s not super-duper CONFIRMED that Sam is the narrator of the Song of Ice and Fire. That’s just a theory. So let’s just go back to a generic, boring “neutral” narration.
Sam: Boo.
So… *ahem*…
Sam, that whiny, fat slob was somehow able to survive the attack by the Wights in the prologue.
He now stumbles through the snow, crying and wanting to give up. He knows that if he stops he’s going to die.
Sam: Whatever. I’d rather die than engage in more physical activity.
Sam falls down in the snow to die.
As he lay in the snow, ready to meet his maker… he decides to… yes… that’s right… do an in media res chapter where he FLASHES BACK to fill in the narrative holes between the prologue and now…
Sam: Ugh. In media res with a flashback again? Is this GRRM’s only narrative trick? Does he know how to write chapters any other way? Why not just start from the chronological beginning and then work your way forward?
Because reasons.
Escaping the Fist of the First Men, Sam lost his sword. But he still holds on the the dragonglass dagger that Jon gave him.Sam is woken from his flashback by someone kicking him.
Sam: Oh right. GRRM does have other narrative tricks. That one is called FORESHADOWING. I’m glad I saved that dagger. As well as this bag of peanuts I got from a baseball game. Mmm. Delicious, salty peanuts.
Mormont: Sam, release the Ravens! Send word to Castle Black! We’ve been attacked by Wights!
Sam: Okay, sure.
Sam releases the ravens. All of them.
Mormont: Wait… did you write the notes about being attacked by the wights?
Sam: Oh. Oh yeah. Right. I guess I was supposed to attach the note to the ravens BEFORE I released them. Huh? Yeah. I forgot to do that. LOOK, I’M UNDER A LOT OF STRESS.
Grenn: Get out of the snow, you far piece of shit. You’ll die if you stay there.
Sam: Yeah. Whatever. Just let me die.
Grenn tries to pick him up. But Sam is too fat.
Grenn: Damnit. If only there was some sort of gigantic, strong character who had just been conveniently introduced in the prologue despite never being mentioned as a member of the Night’s Watch before. He’d be able to lift Sam up.
Small Paul: Hi there! I’m Small Paul! One of the conspirators that was trying to help Chett (Duke) kill Lord Mormont and escape.
Grenn: Hey! You! Small Paul! Help lift Sam up.
Small Paul: Okay.
He lifts Sam up.
Sam: No! Stop! I just want to die.
Grenn: Shut up and just fill up this chapter by flashbacking again.
Sam: Okay.
Sam flashbacks again.
Sam remembers seeing a wight twist a man’s head off. He remembers seeing an undead zombie bear with the wights. He remembers finding a horse and joining Dolorous Edd and some others.Sam: And after that, I can’t remember anything else. It’s all sort of a haze. Something about giant ice spiders, I think.
Edd: Yeah. I’m in this chapter finally. Huzzah!
Sam: Why are you being so casual. There is an UNDEAD BEAR roaming around here.
Mormont: Smallwood!
Thoren Smallwood: What’s up, Lord Commander?
Mormont: Call in the remaining men. We need to do a tactical retreat down the south slope.
Thoren: Right away, sir. I’ll just go ahead and—AGHHHH!!!!!!!
That undead zombie bear walks up and tears Thoren Smallwood’s head off and eats it.
Sam: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!!! Did I not just warn everyone that there was a fucking UNDEAD BEAR?
Now all realizing the seriousness of the situation, everyone on horse runs away as fast as they can. Not everyone is on a horse though. So the people on horses just ride over those slowpokes in the front that don’t have horses.
Sam, Edd, Mormont, and Other Important Characters: *ride horses*
Irrelevant Extras: AGHHH!!!! *are casually trampled to death by main characters*
Sam rides as fast as he can, only stopping once they reach the cover of some trees.
Sam: *whew*, that was a close o—
Suddenly, one of the other brothers of the Night’s Watch knocks Sam off his horse and steals it. He rides off. Now Sam has to walk the rest of the way.
Grenn: Whoa, ICE SPIDERS? Why aren’t we lingering on this plot point more? I want to explore this issue.
Small Paul: Ugh. Too heavy.
Small Paul drops Sam in the snow. He just can’t anymore. He just can’t.
Grenn: Well, what are we going to do now? Just leave Sam to die?
Small Paul: Maybe.
Other: Yeah, that’s a good idea. Leave him right there.
Grenn: Hrm. Perhaps. I mean I’m not sure how we’re going to... wait… what? AN OTHER? AGHHHH!!!!!!!! WHITE WALKER! WHITE WALKER!!!!
Grenn and Small Paul run around in comic circles, given the arrival of this Other, riding on his disemboweled horse. This is scary enough so even Sam’s fat ass gets up and starts running.
Sam: Other! OTHER! OTHER! AGHHH!!!!
The other pulls out his sword and stabs Small Paul.
Small Paul: UGHH! Tell my mother… all I ever wanted… was a pet raven… to love. *dies*
As Paul falls over dead, his large body pulls the sword away from the Other.
Grenn: Look! His sword’s gone! He’s defenseless. Now’s are chance!
Sam: Be brave, Sam! Be brave!
Sam pulls out his dragonglass dagger, which was next to his bag of delicious, salted baseball game peanuts, and starts screaming like a girl while blindly slashing it at the Other.
Other: OW! OW! HEY! OW! STOP CUTTING ME! That really hurts and… uhm… wait… that really stings, man. Hey. HEY! Is that a peanut shell I see on the side of the dragonglass dagger?
Sam: Yes.
Other: OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK. I’m allergic to peanuts!
The White Walker / Other then explodes.
Grenn: HOLY SHIT. That was amazing, Sam.
Grenn picks up the dagger, which now lays in a steaming pile of ash where the Other used to be.
Sam: Ahahahaha. WOW. That was insane. I can’t believe I killed an Other *vomits everywhere now that the adrenaline is fading*
Grenn: Come on, we need to go find Mormont.
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