Sunday, July 1, 2018

ASoS 27: Daenerys III

The last we saw Dany, she was morally torn about this whole “buying slaves” thing. She was back on her boat and brooding about her difficult choice. Now Dany has decided to go back to the “Good” Masters of Astapor (a name they probably came up with ironically) to tell them her decision.

Dany: I’ll buy all of them.

Kranznys: [In Valyrian] What did this dumb bitch say?

Missandei: [Valyrian, you get the picture] She said she wants to buy all of them.

Kranznys: Ask that blonde, fake Queen cunt to be a little more specific because her simpleton, cave man words don’t really translate well.

Missandei: Kranznys kindly asks your grace to be more specific about your pleasant offer.

Dany: All of them. Every one. How many do you have?

Missandei: Eight Thousand, Six Hundred.

Dany: Then I want all 8600. And the ones in training too. The boys.

Missandei translates that back to the Masters of Astapor. The masters then begin to debate.

Fat Grazdan: What the hell? If she buys ALL of our merchandise then we won’t have any more for TEN years!

Tall Grazden: True.

Kranznys: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Grazdan: Don’t talk to me in damn metaphors!  Besides, you know we don’t sell the kids. They’re not ready yet.

Kranznys: Okay, fine. Tell that stupid whore “no.”

Missandei: The Masters deeply apologize that they are unable to accommodate your offer to sell all the boys as well, as it is against company policy to sell the ones still in training.

Dany: No. I’ll have those too.

Missandei reluctantly translates.

Kranznys: No way. Those kids aren’t worth that much now as just boys. If we save them until they grow up and become warriors, they’ll be worth more.

Missandei translates that back to Dany.

Dany: I will pay just as much for the boys as I do the men. The full price if I can have them all. Or better yet… tell them I will pay double. Triple! Quadruple!

Missandei translates that.

Kranznys: Wow, this dumb bitch is really bad at bargaining. She should have just stopped at “double” and waited for us to counter offer that that wasn’t enough. But then she jacked it all the way up to quadruple!

Spiked-Beard Grazdan: I’m not sure this bitch even has the money to pay for this all. It’s one thing to promise to pay us. But can she actually?

Fat Grazdan: True.

Kranznys: Wait… am I the only Good Master of Astapor that’s not named “Grazdan?”

Tall Kranznys Yes.

Spiked-Beard Grazdan: Well, I mean why bother coming up with different character names if we're all going to be burned alive by the end of the chapter anyway?

Fat Grazdan: Yeah, good poi---WAIT, what did you say? 

Missandei: Good Queen Daenerys, the Good Masters of Astapor wonder if you have any Credit Score or other proof of an ability to pay. Payments up front in coin are always appreciated, but if you have a pay check that shows a steady monthly income, we would also be willing to consider a monthly payment setup.

Dany: Oh, you know exactly how much money I have. Your men already went through my boats the other day and counted all of my goods.

Missandei translates.

Kranznys: Yes, this is true, cunt bitch. We searched through all your cheap-ass, gaudy possessions. You only have the ability to pay for 500 fully-trained Unsullied. If you throw in that fuck-shit costume jewelry that you call your crown, I could probably melt enough gold out of it to make it 600. But then I’m being generous with you. If you give me a sloppy blowjob, I could jack that up to 650.

Missandei: The Good Masters say that you can afford 500 Unsullied. Or 600 if you also throw in your quite-lovely crown.

Dany: I will keep my crown, but they can have my ships.

Missandei translates.

Spiked-Beard Grazdan: Hahh, what an idiot. This stupid girl really is dumber than a brick. She wants to buy these soldiers to go conquer the Seven Kingdoms. That’s across the sea. And she wants to SELL HER SHIPS to get them? What a maroon!

Kranznys: Yes, this bitch is dumb, but those ships are pretty awesome. They’re probably worth three thousand slaves, but don’t tell her that. Offer her two thousand.

Missandei: The Good Masters will give you 2,000 men if your ships are included, no more.

Dany: No. I will have all of the Unsullied. All 8,600 as well as all the boys in training. Give me them all… and I will give you… a DRAGON.

Not Barristan: WHAT THE FUUU------

But before “Not” Barristan can even swear, Missandei has already quickly translated and Kranznys has jumped up from his seat.

Kranznys: YES! YES! YES! FUCK YES! YEEEESSSS!!!

Not Barristan: My Queen, please! You CANNOT do this!

Dany: Oh SHIT NO, Not Barristan. Your punk ass is going to tell me what I CANNOT do? Jorah, escort him out of here!

Jorah: Heheheh. YEAH! Dany is finally seeing things my way. She wants to buy slaves and is giving Not Barristan the boot. This is sweet!

Shamed and humiliated, Not Barristan is taken back to the ships.

Kranznys: I want the big dragon, too! The black one. Simply because I know you like it the most. You like the big, black ones. Huh, cunt? Hahahaha. And just to be clear, I'm talking metaphorically about penises.

Missandei: The Good Masters request the black dragon.

Dany: You have a deal.

Kranznys: And throw in this stupid slave translator bitch as a bonus buy too. Because fuck her in her stupid ass.

Missandei: The Good Masters say that you may also have me.

Dany: Okay, cool. Come back to the ship with me. I need to go get my Dragon and prepare things for the sale tomorrow morning.

And so Dany goes back to the ship.

There she joins Not Barristan and the others.

Dany: Bitch, I appreciate your wise advice. But if you EVER question me in front of everyone else again in public…

Not Barristan: I’m so sorry, your grace. But if I may be frank now that we are in private… you have been ripped off! No amount of slaves is worth a dragon! There are only three dragons in the world. You must find another way.

Dany: Whatever. [In Valyrian] Hey… new slave girl that I just bought… what was your name again?

Missandei: Oh, I’m Missandei and I…. OOHHHHHHH HOLY SHIIIIIIIT. Did you just speak to me in High Valyrian?

Dany: Yes.

Missandei: So you could speak in High Valyrian the entire time?

Dany: Yes.

Missandei: So you heard EVERYTHING that the Good Masters said about you?

Dany: Yes.

Missandei: And then you heard me clean it all up when translating?

Dany: Yes.

Missandei: Those guys are pretty fucking rough, huh?

Dany: Yes.

Missandei: I’m sorry about all that. But, you know, I was their slave. I had to. But now I guess I’m your slave.

Dany: No, you are not.

Missandei: Sure I am. They gave me to you.

Dany: They did, but you are not my slave. Because as of this moment… I free you!

Missandei: Oh… SWEET! Is there any paperwork involved or anything?

Dany: No. You’re free now. That’s all there is to it. Free to do whatever you want. Go find your family. Sail back to whatever island you came from.

Missandei: Is that how it is, huh? You’re saying because I’m black I gotta be from some island or some shit, huh?

Dany: I… uhm… sorry… I didn’t mean to offend you… I was just—

Missandei: --Hahaha, nah. Just kidding. I’m from an island. It’s called Naath, the Isle of Butterflies in the Summer Sea.

Dany: Well, I guess you can leave now. Bye.

Missandei: Nah, I’ll stick with you. You seem cool. I really have nowhere else to go. Most of my family has already been kidnapped and sold into slavery like me. My three brothers are all in that army you’re about to buy. They say the people from Naath make the best slaves. Which is a pretty fucked up thing for anyone to say or think, right?

Jorah: I don't know. Sounds like a normal thing to say to me.

Dany: So… Missandei of Naath, you told me that the Unsullied obey their masters without question. Is that true or was that just bullshit to sell them?

Missandei: It’s 100% true.

Dany: So once I’m their master… they will obey me and only me? They will no longer obey the Good Masters of Astapor?

Missandei: Yep.

Dany: Sweet. Well, no use buying all those slaves right now. Let me sleep on this decision and go back tomorrow.

Dany goes back to her bedchamber for the night. Of course fucking Jorah bursts in.

Dany: DUDE, STAY AWAY FROM MY BEDCHAMBER, YOU CREEPER!

Jorah: Seriously, I promise I’m not getting molest-ey this time. I just wanted to thank you for knocking Not Barristan down a few notches. That was so sweet. I’m glad you joined me on “Team Slavery!” Yeah, give me a high five! Don’t leave me hangin’!

But she leaves him hanging anyway.

Dany: *sigh* Being a ruler is tough. We have do make these decisions about life and death. Slavery. Selling our dragon children. Why do the gods make kings and queens if not to protect those who cannot protect themselves?

Jorah: Gods don’t make kings and queens, we do. Robert made himself a king by winning a war.

Dany: Robert was no true and just king. But I will be a true and just queen! Anyway, thanks for you reminding me of the guy who murdered my brother. I’m sure I’ll have nightmares about that tonight.

Sure enough, Dany goes to sleep and dreams of Rhaegar on the Trident. But she’s woken from her dream by the sound of someone creeping in her room.

Dany: JORAH!!!

Quaithe: To go north, you must journey south. To go west, you must journey east. To go forward, you must journey back.  To do the electric slide, you must first do the funky chicken. To touch the light, you must go beneath the shadow. It's always darkest just before the dawn. To save Gotham, we must first destroy i--

Dany: --Wait… Quaithe? Quaithe the least interesting and important character from Qarth? The one who everyone immediately forgot about as soon as the last book ended? What are you doing here? Why are you telling me riddles about opposite day? What is that supposed to mean?

But she looks around. Quaithe is no longer there. Was it all a dream?

Dany: I need to lay off that melatonin. It’s giving me some whack dreams.

The next morning, Dany and her crew (including Drogon) go to the Astapor plaza, where the big slave deal is about to go down.

Dany’s crew brings all the wealth and riches from the ships and lays them before the good masters. But they don’t care about that shit. Kranznys just wants that D.

Kranznys: That’s right! Give me that big, black D! And by that I mean dragon! Not dick. This time.

Dany begins to walk up the stairs to Kranznys, with Drogon on a chain.

Kranznys: Oh, this is going to be so fucking sweet. My own pet dragon! Awesome. Oh, and a little friendly advise for your stupid, cunt ass. You’re going to want to blood these soldiers quickly. Find some nearby small town and just order the Unsullied to murder everyone there.

Dany: [In Valyrian] Okay Kranznys, whatever you say.

But Kranznys is too excited about getting the dragon handed to him that he doesn’t even notice that Dany answered in High Valyrian.

Dany hands over the chain to Kranznys. Kranznys pulls out an ornate, ceremonial whip.

Kranznys: Once I had this over to you… this ceremonial whip will officially represent that the slaves now belong to you and not me. Got it?

Dany: Okay, I get it. So when I’m handed the whip… the slaves now belong to me and obey me? Not you!

Kranznys: Correct. The slaves will obey you. Not me. You will own them. You can order them to do whatever and they must obey you.

Dany: Hahaha, sweet.

Kranznys: I simply ask that you don’t order them to immediately murder all the Good Masters of Astapor, including me. I mean I guess technically you COULD do that… but it wouldn’t be cool. That’s totally… like… against the spirit of this whole transaction.

Dany: Sure. Sounds fair enough. I will not do that.

Kranznys hands her the whip.

Dany: So the slaves are mine and obey me?

Kranznys: Yes. Hey… wait… what the FUCK? Have you just been speaking to me in Valyrian for the last minute?

Dany: Yes.

Kranznys tries pulling on Drogon’s chain to get him to come along.

Kranznys: Why won’t this stupid Dragon obey me?

Dany: Because a Dragon is no slave.

Dany whips Kranznys in the face.

Kranznys: AGHHHH!!! FUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK! What the hell? Are you about to order all the slaves to murder us?

Dany: Yes.

Kranznys: WHY?! YOU JUST PROMISED YOU WOULDN’T.

Dany: Because I had a vision… a vision from Quaithe. And she told me that today… IS OPPOSITE DAY!  Also… DRACARYS!!!!!!

On the High Valyrian command of “fire,” Drogon flies up and burns Kranznys to death.

Kranznys: AGHHHHH!!!! FUCKING OPPOSITE DAY!

Fat Grazdan: Unsullied! Protect us! Protect us!

Spiked-Beard Grazdan: Yes, you stupid pieces of shit! We are your masters.

Dany: Nope. Remember that I bought them. They work for me now. UNSULLIED! I order you to kill the Good Masters, their guards, and all the slave owners. Free every slave you see! Oh… and also… you’re all free now too! So really it’s your choice if you want to kill them or not. But I think I know how you feel.

And so the Unsullied begin to kill all the Masters of Astapor.  Rakharo, Aggo, Belwas, Jorah, and Dany’s other dragons join in too.

Dany: FREEDOM! DRACARYS! DRACARYS!

And the whole of Astapor is filled with fire, smoke and blood. Slavers run crying and begging and dying.

It sucks. Hahaha, no just kidding. It’s opposite day. It is AWESOME.

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