Our little sociopath, Arya Stark, last left us with a cliffhanger where some "Lannister" had just been caught. But as we've seen... it's not Jaime. Jaime is over with Roose Bolton. So who is this mystery Lannister?
Sandor Clegane, AKA the Hound: It's me.
Oh.
Arya, Gendry, the Hound, and the Brotherhood are all standing around in a cave.
When last we saw the Hound, he was getting a little rape-ey with Sansa Stark in Kings Landing when the entire city was on fire during the Battle of the Blackwater. He obviously fled the city towards the Riverlands. And here he is. Caught by the Brotherhood without Banners.
Hound: Where the hell am I? Is this some sort of cave?
Lem Lemoncloak: Yes it is. This underground cave is a safe haven from wolves and lions alike. Away from the war.
Hound: Is it?
Lem: I mean not really. Considering that you're a Lion and we're about to put you on trial and stuff.
Hound: WHAT?! On trial for what? AND HOLY SHIT! Is that Thoros of Myr?!
Thoros: Yes. It's me.
Hound: When last I saw you... you were a fat guy with a shaved head. Now you're all skinny and you let your hair grow out. Well, what hair you have left since you're balding now.
Thoros: Well, the Lord of Light has woken my heart and gotten rid of my vanity. I no longer care about things like physical appearance.
Hound: Yeah, I can obviously tell that. So what am I being put on trial for?
Thoros: All the destruction and carnage here in the countryside. All the rape, pillage and murder.
Hound: I didn't do that.
Thoros: Huh?
Hound: I didn't do any of that. It was my brother. I'm Sandor Clegane. Eddard Stark sent you out to catch my brother, Gregor Clegane. The Mountain. He's the one that was roaming the countryside and killing people.
Thoros: Well. I mean a Clegane is a Clegane, right? You're all Lannister lackies.
Hound: So I'm going to be put on trial for the sins of my brother?
From the shadows emerges another man. This man is ugly as fuck. He's wearing an eye patch and the side of his face looks like it's been caved in. He has a scar on his neck. He looks ROUGH.
Mystery Man: HOUND! We were sent by King Robert to do justice. We fight for the realm.
Hound: King Robert is dead, you fucking idiot Dondarrion. Why bother?
Arya: WHOA! Wait! Did you just call this dude Dondarrion?
Hound: Yes. That's Beric Dondarrion, little boy.
Arya: I'M NOT A BOY!
Hound: Oh, I see. Well I guess yo--OH SHIT. Are you Arya Stark?! Don't you know you're supposed to be dead, girl?
Arya: Well, I'm not. And NO WAY is that Beric Dondarrion. I've seen him before. At the joust. He was handsome and that fuckwit Jeyne Poole, who looks nothing like me, had a huge crush on him. This guy is just ugly.
Beric: Offensive.
Hound: Look, Beric. King Robert never gave a shit about the realm. You're going to put me on trial in his name? Fuck that! If there was something Robert couldn't fuck, drink or fight... then he didn't care about it. Although technically I guess he did fuck the Kingdom.
Huntsman: What about the murders! The rapes! The savagery at the Mummer's Ford!
Hound: I don't know about any of that shit.
Huntsman: It was done by your brother!
Hound: And AGAIN... I... AM... NOT... MY... BROTHER. How fucking stupid are you all? I wasn't there. You know where else I wasn't at? Around Rhaegar Targaryen's children with Elia Martell. Did my brother murder those children? Probably. I don't know. Wasn't there. I don't even like him. If you captured him and executed him... I'd actually be sort of happy because he's a giant fucking dick. Is it a crime to be born a Clegane?
Beric: Well, you are a giant fucking dick too.
Hound: True. But that's not a crime. You know who else are dicks? I suggest you all get some mirrors and look at yourselves. I know you like to think that your shit don't stank, but--
Harwin: --Lean a little bit closer, see roses really smell like--
Hound: --NO! Shut up!
Beric and Thoros then huddle for a second and talk.
Beric: Well guys, I think this Clegane guy has a point. Technically we don't have any crime he committed that we can put him on trial for.
Everyone: Awwwww. No cave fight today!
Arya: WAIT! WAIT! WAIT EVERYONE! He killed Mycah, the butcher's boy! He was my friend. And the Hound murderd him in cold blood.
Beric: Hrm. Is this true?
Hound: What? Oh right... right. The Butcher's boy. Sure it is! But that kid attacked Prince Joffrey.
Arya: It's NOT TRUE! That's a lie! Joffrey lied and made that story up!
Hound: Your sister backed him up.
Arya: LOOK, FIRST OF ALL... MY SISTER IS A GIANT CUNT. And second... she didn't really. She just acted like a fainting southern belle and pretended like she couldn't remember.
Hound: Whatever. Even if he didn't do it, I was still ordered to kill him. I was only obeying orders.
Arya: Yeah, which is what the NAZIS said.
Hound: Shit, gurl... you gonna go and Godwin's Law me like that?
Beric: Hrm. Looks like we have a classic "he said, she said" situation here. There is only one way that we can find out which side is true.
Harwin: A lengthy trial that utilizes material evidence, witnesses, and an unbiased jury of peers?
Thoros: No. That's stupid. A trial by battle. The Lord of Light will decide!
Everyone: YAAAAAAAY! CAVE FIGHT! CAVE FIGHT! CAVE FIGHT!
Arya: WHAT?! The Hound is... like... a REALLY GOOD fighter. This seems like a terrible idea.
Beric: Nah. I'm sure I can beat him.
Arya: Really? Because you look in rough shape. You're missing an eye. Your head looks caved in. You look like you lose fights. A lot. I kept hearing all these stories on the road about people that claimed they killed you. And even though you're alive and here. I can see why everyone thought they did kill you.
Beric: Eh.
Dondarrion takes off his armor and exposes the rest of his body. It looks to be in just as bad shape as his face. More wounds. More bandages. More leaking blood. He takes up a sword and shield. The Hound is also given a sword and shield.
Hound: So we fight now?
Thoros: No. First I lead a prayer to R'hllor, Lord of Light.
Thoros starts praying. Beric's sword immediately bursts into flames.
Hound: Oh WHAT THE HELL?! You know that I'm afraid of fire, right? NOT. FAIR.
Thoros: Meh.
Arya: Wait... that's... that's not some sort of trick where Thoros sneakily put some wildfire onto the sword. That fire appeared after a prayer. That fire... is... is... is... MAGIC!
Gendry: Oh shit! Spooky! What are we gonna do, Arya?
Arya: Well, your sexy ass can go get some popcorn, come back, and we can eat it together while I sit on your lap and watch the Hound get his ass handed to him.
Gendry: What?
Arya: NOTHING! I SAID NOTHING! JUST WATCH THE FIGHT!
And so they watch the fight.
The fight goes back and forth. The two seem pretty evenly matched. Sometimes one get the advantage. Sometimes the other. At least until Beric hits the Hound's wooden shield with his flaming sword and it catches on fire.
Hound: AGHH!!! AGHHH! FIRE! FIRE!
Arya: Hahaha, sweet. The Hound is totally about to die.
The flames then spread from the shield to the Hound's shirt, crawling up his arm.
Beric: And now, Clegane... for the final blow on your--
Hound: --AGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
In rage and fear-filled madness, the Hound charges at Beric and smashes his shield in half with his sword. He then stabs Beric in the chest.
Beric falls down.
Dead.
Arya: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Hound: HELP! HELP! HELP! WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE PUT OUT THIS FIRE!
Thoros: Oh shit. He won? I guess we better help him.
They help put out the fire. Some of the guys then take Beric's body away, including Thoros.
Huntsman: Fuck that. I know the Hound won the fight. But we should still lock him up in a cage anyway.
Arya: Yeah! And kill him!
Harwin: No, Hunstman. R'hloor has judged him to be innocent. We must respect that.
Arya: You mean you're not going to kill him?
Harwin: No. Of course not.
Arya: Fuck that.
Arya looks around and sees Greenbeard standing next to her. She snatches his dagger from his belt and runs at the Hound.
Arya: AGGHHHH!!!!! DIE!!!!!
Hound: Well DO IT! DO IT ALREADY! KILL ME!
Arya stops in her tracks. She stares at him. He won the fight... but he's the one that looks defeated. There are burns all over his body. He's acting like he WANTS to be killed.
Arya: Well, killing you is less fun if you want to be--
Lem: *YOINK*
As Arya is hesitating, Lem takes her knife away and gives it back to Greenbeard.
Arya: NO! NO! GIVE IT BACK! I ONLY HESITATED FOR A MOMENT! I STILL WANT TO KILL HIM! HE CAN GO TO HELL!
Voice: He already has, Arya.
Arya: Huh?
Everyone turns around to look and see who said it.
It was Dondarrion.
Arya: Uhm. Dude. We just saw you die.
Beric: No you didn't.
Arya: Sure we did. I saw it. The Hound saw it. EVERYONE SAW IT.
Beric: It was just a flesh wound.
Arya: NO MORE DAMN MONTY PYTHON JOKES!
Sandor Clegane, AKA the Hound: It's me.
Oh.
Arya, Gendry, the Hound, and the Brotherhood are all standing around in a cave.
When last we saw the Hound, he was getting a little rape-ey with Sansa Stark in Kings Landing when the entire city was on fire during the Battle of the Blackwater. He obviously fled the city towards the Riverlands. And here he is. Caught by the Brotherhood without Banners.
Hound: Where the hell am I? Is this some sort of cave?
Lem Lemoncloak: Yes it is. This underground cave is a safe haven from wolves and lions alike. Away from the war.
Hound: Is it?
Lem: I mean not really. Considering that you're a Lion and we're about to put you on trial and stuff.
Hound: WHAT?! On trial for what? AND HOLY SHIT! Is that Thoros of Myr?!
Thoros: Yes. It's me.
Hound: When last I saw you... you were a fat guy with a shaved head. Now you're all skinny and you let your hair grow out. Well, what hair you have left since you're balding now.
Thoros: Well, the Lord of Light has woken my heart and gotten rid of my vanity. I no longer care about things like physical appearance.
Hound: Yeah, I can obviously tell that. So what am I being put on trial for?
Thoros: All the destruction and carnage here in the countryside. All the rape, pillage and murder.
Hound: I didn't do that.
Thoros: Huh?
Hound: I didn't do any of that. It was my brother. I'm Sandor Clegane. Eddard Stark sent you out to catch my brother, Gregor Clegane. The Mountain. He's the one that was roaming the countryside and killing people.
Thoros: Well. I mean a Clegane is a Clegane, right? You're all Lannister lackies.
Hound: So I'm going to be put on trial for the sins of my brother?
From the shadows emerges another man. This man is ugly as fuck. He's wearing an eye patch and the side of his face looks like it's been caved in. He has a scar on his neck. He looks ROUGH.
Mystery Man: HOUND! We were sent by King Robert to do justice. We fight for the realm.
Hound: King Robert is dead, you fucking idiot Dondarrion. Why bother?
Arya: WHOA! Wait! Did you just call this dude Dondarrion?
Hound: Yes. That's Beric Dondarrion, little boy.
Arya: I'M NOT A BOY!
Hound: Oh, I see. Well I guess yo--OH SHIT. Are you Arya Stark?! Don't you know you're supposed to be dead, girl?
Arya: Well, I'm not. And NO WAY is that Beric Dondarrion. I've seen him before. At the joust. He was handsome and that fuckwit Jeyne Poole, who looks nothing like me, had a huge crush on him. This guy is just ugly.
Beric: Offensive.
Hound: Look, Beric. King Robert never gave a shit about the realm. You're going to put me on trial in his name? Fuck that! If there was something Robert couldn't fuck, drink or fight... then he didn't care about it. Although technically I guess he did fuck the Kingdom.
Huntsman: What about the murders! The rapes! The savagery at the Mummer's Ford!
Hound: I don't know about any of that shit.
Huntsman: It was done by your brother!
Hound: And AGAIN... I... AM... NOT... MY... BROTHER. How fucking stupid are you all? I wasn't there. You know where else I wasn't at? Around Rhaegar Targaryen's children with Elia Martell. Did my brother murder those children? Probably. I don't know. Wasn't there. I don't even like him. If you captured him and executed him... I'd actually be sort of happy because he's a giant fucking dick. Is it a crime to be born a Clegane?
Beric: Well, you are a giant fucking dick too.
Hound: True. But that's not a crime. You know who else are dicks? I suggest you all get some mirrors and look at yourselves. I know you like to think that your shit don't stank, but--
Harwin: --Lean a little bit closer, see roses really smell like--
Hound: --NO! Shut up!
Beric and Thoros then huddle for a second and talk.
Beric: Well guys, I think this Clegane guy has a point. Technically we don't have any crime he committed that we can put him on trial for.
Everyone: Awwwww. No cave fight today!
Arya: WAIT! WAIT! WAIT EVERYONE! He killed Mycah, the butcher's boy! He was my friend. And the Hound murderd him in cold blood.
Beric: Hrm. Is this true?
Hound: What? Oh right... right. The Butcher's boy. Sure it is! But that kid attacked Prince Joffrey.
Arya: It's NOT TRUE! That's a lie! Joffrey lied and made that story up!
Hound: Your sister backed him up.
Arya: LOOK, FIRST OF ALL... MY SISTER IS A GIANT CUNT. And second... she didn't really. She just acted like a fainting southern belle and pretended like she couldn't remember.
Hound: Whatever. Even if he didn't do it, I was still ordered to kill him. I was only obeying orders.
Arya: Yeah, which is what the NAZIS said.
Hound: Shit, gurl... you gonna go and Godwin's Law me like that?
Beric: Hrm. Looks like we have a classic "he said, she said" situation here. There is only one way that we can find out which side is true.
Harwin: A lengthy trial that utilizes material evidence, witnesses, and an unbiased jury of peers?
Thoros: No. That's stupid. A trial by battle. The Lord of Light will decide!
Everyone: YAAAAAAAY! CAVE FIGHT! CAVE FIGHT! CAVE FIGHT!
Arya: WHAT?! The Hound is... like... a REALLY GOOD fighter. This seems like a terrible idea.
Beric: Nah. I'm sure I can beat him.
Arya: Really? Because you look in rough shape. You're missing an eye. Your head looks caved in. You look like you lose fights. A lot. I kept hearing all these stories on the road about people that claimed they killed you. And even though you're alive and here. I can see why everyone thought they did kill you.
Beric: Eh.
Dondarrion takes off his armor and exposes the rest of his body. It looks to be in just as bad shape as his face. More wounds. More bandages. More leaking blood. He takes up a sword and shield. The Hound is also given a sword and shield.
Hound: So we fight now?
Thoros: No. First I lead a prayer to R'hllor, Lord of Light.
Thoros starts praying. Beric's sword immediately bursts into flames.
Hound: Oh WHAT THE HELL?! You know that I'm afraid of fire, right? NOT. FAIR.
Thoros: Meh.
Arya: Wait... that's... that's not some sort of trick where Thoros sneakily put some wildfire onto the sword. That fire appeared after a prayer. That fire... is... is... is... MAGIC!
Gendry: Oh shit! Spooky! What are we gonna do, Arya?
Arya: Well, your sexy ass can go get some popcorn, come back, and we can eat it together while I sit on your lap and watch the Hound get his ass handed to him.
Gendry: What?
Arya: NOTHING! I SAID NOTHING! JUST WATCH THE FIGHT!
And so they watch the fight.
The fight goes back and forth. The two seem pretty evenly matched. Sometimes one get the advantage. Sometimes the other. At least until Beric hits the Hound's wooden shield with his flaming sword and it catches on fire.
Hound: AGHH!!! AGHHH! FIRE! FIRE!
Arya: Hahaha, sweet. The Hound is totally about to die.
The flames then spread from the shield to the Hound's shirt, crawling up his arm.
Beric: And now, Clegane... for the final blow on your--
Hound: --AGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
In rage and fear-filled madness, the Hound charges at Beric and smashes his shield in half with his sword. He then stabs Beric in the chest.
Beric falls down.
Dead.
Arya: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Hound: HELP! HELP! HELP! WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE PUT OUT THIS FIRE!
Thoros: Oh shit. He won? I guess we better help him.
They help put out the fire. Some of the guys then take Beric's body away, including Thoros.
Huntsman: Fuck that. I know the Hound won the fight. But we should still lock him up in a cage anyway.
Arya: Yeah! And kill him!
Harwin: No, Hunstman. R'hloor has judged him to be innocent. We must respect that.
Arya: You mean you're not going to kill him?
Harwin: No. Of course not.
Arya: Fuck that.
Arya looks around and sees Greenbeard standing next to her. She snatches his dagger from his belt and runs at the Hound.
Arya: AGGHHHH!!!!! DIE!!!!!
Hound: Well DO IT! DO IT ALREADY! KILL ME!
Arya stops in her tracks. She stares at him. He won the fight... but he's the one that looks defeated. There are burns all over his body. He's acting like he WANTS to be killed.
Arya: Well, killing you is less fun if you want to be--
Lem: *YOINK*
As Arya is hesitating, Lem takes her knife away and gives it back to Greenbeard.
Arya: NO! NO! GIVE IT BACK! I ONLY HESITATED FOR A MOMENT! I STILL WANT TO KILL HIM! HE CAN GO TO HELL!
Voice: He already has, Arya.
Arya: Huh?
Everyone turns around to look and see who said it.
It was Dondarrion.
Arya: Uhm. Dude. We just saw you die.
Beric: No you didn't.
Arya: Sure we did. I saw it. The Hound saw it. EVERYONE SAW IT.
Beric: It was just a flesh wound.
Arya: NO MORE DAMN MONTY PYTHON JOKES!
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