Bannen is dying.
Sam: Who is Bannen again?
Don't worry about him too much. He's dying.
Sam: Oh, okay.
Bannen is dying. Sam is feeding broth to him to keep him alive. But it's not looking good. Only about 40 or so brothers of the Nights' Watch survived and made it back to Craster's Keep.
Sam: Oh wow. We're back in Craster's Keep?
Yep.
Sam: Who else survived? Did Lord Commander Mormont survive?
Yes. But SHHH!!! Let's just get on with the chapter.
Craster: Ugh. I can't believe all you crows are back. I'm so tired of feeding you all.
Clubfoot Karl: Hi! I'm Klubfoot Karl! I've never really been mentioned before now. But I'd like to point out that I really HATE Craster. I bet he has tons of good that he's hiding from us.
Other Nights Watch Guys: Yeah! We're hungry!
Craster: Shut up! You're guests and I'm feeding you. I know it's not much. But you're invited into my house and I'm feeding you. So you follow my rules. And my first rule is SHUT UP.
Female Voice: AGHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Sam: What the hell was that?
Craster: Oh, it's just my daughter Gilly. She's giving birth.
Sam: You mean your wife Gilly?
Craster: Same thing.
Sam: Oh wow. What a coincidence. Last time I was here she wanted me to take her away with her because if she gave birth to a boy, you would give it away to the Others, AKA White Walkers. And -- by total narrative coincidence -- we just happen to be back at the exact time that she's giving birth.
Craster: Didn't I just say that my first rule was "shut up?"
Sam goes outside to woefully reflect on life.
Sam: The Others haven't attacked here yet. But I bet they will soon. Although Craster says they won't come at all because he has "got right" with the gods. I wonder what exactly that means.
Grenn: Hey there Slayer, it means that as long as he sacrifices boy babies to the Others -- they will not kill him.
Sam: Ah. I see. And don't call me "Slayer." It's rude.
A bunch of other brothers come up. They are doing some archery and shit.
Sweet Donel: HEY THERE, SLAYER! Show us how you killed that Other, Slayer! Hahahaha!
Other Dude: Yeah Slayer! Shoot this arrow and show us how proficient you are!
Sam: I hate those guys. They're mocking me.
Grenn: I mean... you did slay that Wight. Why do you think Slayer is an insult?
Sam: They're saying it sarcastically!
Grenn: Ah, well I'm not smart enough to get sarcasm. Or so Pyp always told me. Hey... where is Pyp?
Sam: He didn't come on the Great Ranging. He's been back at Castle Black.
Grenn: Oh, okay. Well, being called "Slayer" has to be better than being called, "Ser Piggy," right?
Sam: Right. But people keep shouting at me stuff like, "HEY SLAYER! PLAY HELL AWAITS!" or "Hey Slayer, no album you do will ever be better than Reign in Blood!" It gets annoying after a while.
Sam leaves without shooting any arrows. Because he knows he'll miss and they'll just mock him.
Sam: Most these guys don't even believe that I killed the Other with the Dragonglass. They think I'm lying. But it's the truth! Lord Commander Mormont believes me. It's too bad we left most of that Dragonglass behind that Jon found. When Jon brought it back to the Fist of the First Men, we kept some of it. Like my dagger. But the Lord Commander was all like, "What do we need all this old weapon shit for?" I wonder if it kills Wights like how it kills the Others. I wish Jon was here.
Lord Commander Mormont: Hey, I'm back motherfuckers. What are you whining about this time, Sam?
Sam: About the Dragonglass we found and left behind.
Mormont: Oh right. Actually it is a pretty fair point to whine about that. But we didn't know at the time that it killed the Others. But we SHOULD HAVE!
Sam: Huh?
Mormont: I'm saying that I bet that, at one time, the Night's Watch did know about that. That's why we were created in the first place, thousands of years ago. Do you think the Seven Kingdoms built a giant fucking wall and manned it with towers and guards to protect ourselves from a few roving gangs of Wildlings? No! Fighting the Others was always our true calling. We lost sight of that. The Wall was built with magic to defend ourselves from the armies of the dead. We used to know all about that stuff. But after the years we forgot. I bet somewhere in the archives and writings of Castle Black, there are records about Dragonglass. If only we would have read those records instead of filing them away to never be seen again... or to turn to dust as the centuries passed by. Who do we have watching over those old books and scrolls? Fucking Maester Aemon. Do you know what he is? BLIND. What good is it to have a librarian that is fucking blind?
Craster: Hey everyone. It's me! I want to announce that that girl Gilly has stopped yowling like a cat in heat. Because she had a kid and it's a son.
Sam: Well, on the one hand I'm sort of relieved. Because if it was a daughter than one day when she turns twelve you'd probably rape and marry her. But on the other hand... since it's a boy... that means you're going to leave it out in the woods as a sacrifice to the Others. Which is also pretty fucked up.
Craster: My house. My rules.
Sam: I mean why not just let me have the baby if you're just going to throw it away like that?
Craster: What the FUCK did you just say?
Sam: I... uhm... err...
Mormont: SAM! SHUT THE HELL UP! Leave this man and his personal life alone! We have no part of this. How dare you talk to our host like that. Get the fuck out of here!
Sam leaves and goes back to where Bannen was.
Bannen: *is now dead*
Sam: Oh. Well... I guess more broth for the rest of us then.
Dirk: It wasn't his wounds that killed Bannen! No! It was him being starved! Craster is starving us all!
Sam: Okay. Sounds like you're on the same page as that Clubfoot Karl gu.
They then burn Bannen's body because otherwise he might turn into a Wight.
As his body burns, everybody smells it.
Dolorous Edd: Mmm. It smells sort of like bacon cooking. Am I the only other person getting hungry?
Everyone Else, Except Sam: Mmmm! Yes! Bannen smells delicious!
Sam: *vomits everywhere in disgust*
Mormont: Well, that was messed up. But we've spent enough time here at Craster's Keep. Tomorrow we leave and head back for the Wall!
Edd: Oh great. We're probably all going to die.
Mormont: What a debby downer you are, Edd.
Craster shows up.
Craster: WHAT? You're all leaving? SWEEEEEEEET! FUCK YEAH! I can't wait to get rid of you all! I hate you guys. Let's throw you a big "going away" party to celebrate you leaving! Don't you have a bunch of dead horses and stuff?
Mormont: Yes.
Craster: Well let's cook up those dead horses and you guys can celebrate with that!
And so Craster sets up a bunch of fires in his Keep and they cook up the dead horses. The meat is terrible and stringy. And it's definitely not enough for everyone.
Clubfoot Karl: This is terrible! It's not enough! We need more food!
Dirk: YEAH! I bet you're hiding food from us!
Other Guys: YEAH!
Mormont: Hey guy guys, shut the fuck up.
Craster: That's right. Do what your boss says and shut the fuck up. And every one of you that questioned me... GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! You were welcomed in under guest's rights and you're being rude to your host. SO FUCKING LEAVE!
Dirk: FUCK YOU, YOU BASTARD!
Dirk pulls out a... well... dirk... and grabs Craster. He slits is throat.
Sam: OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT!
Mormont: YOU FUCKING IDIOT, DIRK! You're not supposed to kill our host!
Ollo Lophand: SHUT UP! It's you who got us into this mess, Lord Commander. Fuck you!
Mormont: Who the fuck is Ollo Lophand?
Ollo Lophand stabs Jeor in the belly.
Mormont: AGHHHH!!!!!
Sam: OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT!
All hell breaks loose.
Sam gets a giant case of PTSD and can't even remember the rest. It was chaos, rape and murder. All Sam can remember is that he grabbed the Lord Commander and dragged him away to somewhere safe.
Sam: We'll get you back to the Wall, Lord Commander. You'll be safe! We'll get you all patched up!
Mormont: Ugh... I'm dying, you fucking idiot.
Raven: *squawk* DYING!
Mormont: Fuck you, Raven. Sam... Sam... you've got to get back to the Wall. You've got to tell them about dragon glass. Also... tell my son... tell him... tell him... *cough*... that he's a fucking slave-buying asshole. But I forgive him. And... *cough*... also... also.. You've got to... to... to... ughhhhhhhhhh....
Just then, three of Craster's wives walk into the room.
Wife: Hey fasto. You're the one that wanted to kidnap Gilly, right?
Sam: Uhh... "rescue" is the term I'd prefer you use.
Wife: Yeah. Rescue. Kidnap. Whatever. While the rest of the Night's Watch is running around stealing food and raping us... how about you take Gilly here and sneak off to the Wall with her?
Sam: I can't! I've got to take care of Lord Commander Mormont!
Wife: Dude, he's dead. Look.
Sam looks. Mormont is dead.
Sam: FUCK!
Gilly: You've got to take me, Sam! You've got to take me and the baby before "they" do!
Sam: Who?
Raven: THEY! THEY! THEY! *SQUAWK*
Sam: Huh?
Raven: OTHERS! DIPSHIT!
Sam: Oh, right.
Wife: You better leave soon! I can feel them coming! Craster's OTHER sons.
Sam: Haha. Other Sons. I see what you did there.
Wife: The cold! I feel the chill coming in the air. Maybe it's because they can only come when it gets cold. Or maybe it gets colder because they bring the cold with them.
Sam: That second option sounds extremely worrisome. Yet somehow I also thing it's the correct option.
Wife: What I'm trying to say is GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
Sam: And what about the rest of you? Am I just going to leave you behind with all the rape and murder and looting?
Wife: Meh. I guess.
Sam: Who is Bannen again?
Don't worry about him too much. He's dying.
Sam: Oh, okay.
Bannen is dying. Sam is feeding broth to him to keep him alive. But it's not looking good. Only about 40 or so brothers of the Nights' Watch survived and made it back to Craster's Keep.
Sam: Oh wow. We're back in Craster's Keep?
Yep.
Sam: Who else survived? Did Lord Commander Mormont survive?
Yes. But SHHH!!! Let's just get on with the chapter.
Craster: Ugh. I can't believe all you crows are back. I'm so tired of feeding you all.
Clubfoot Karl: Hi! I'm Klubfoot Karl! I've never really been mentioned before now. But I'd like to point out that I really HATE Craster. I bet he has tons of good that he's hiding from us.
Other Nights Watch Guys: Yeah! We're hungry!
Craster: Shut up! You're guests and I'm feeding you. I know it's not much. But you're invited into my house and I'm feeding you. So you follow my rules. And my first rule is SHUT UP.
Female Voice: AGHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Sam: What the hell was that?
Craster: Oh, it's just my daughter Gilly. She's giving birth.
Sam: You mean your wife Gilly?
Craster: Same thing.
Sam: Oh wow. What a coincidence. Last time I was here she wanted me to take her away with her because if she gave birth to a boy, you would give it away to the Others, AKA White Walkers. And -- by total narrative coincidence -- we just happen to be back at the exact time that she's giving birth.
Craster: Didn't I just say that my first rule was "shut up?"
Sam goes outside to woefully reflect on life.
Sam: The Others haven't attacked here yet. But I bet they will soon. Although Craster says they won't come at all because he has "got right" with the gods. I wonder what exactly that means.
Grenn: Hey there Slayer, it means that as long as he sacrifices boy babies to the Others -- they will not kill him.
Sam: Ah. I see. And don't call me "Slayer." It's rude.
A bunch of other brothers come up. They are doing some archery and shit.
Sweet Donel: HEY THERE, SLAYER! Show us how you killed that Other, Slayer! Hahahaha!
Other Dude: Yeah Slayer! Shoot this arrow and show us how proficient you are!
Sam: I hate those guys. They're mocking me.
Grenn: I mean... you did slay that Wight. Why do you think Slayer is an insult?
Sam: They're saying it sarcastically!
Grenn: Ah, well I'm not smart enough to get sarcasm. Or so Pyp always told me. Hey... where is Pyp?
Sam: He didn't come on the Great Ranging. He's been back at Castle Black.
Grenn: Oh, okay. Well, being called "Slayer" has to be better than being called, "Ser Piggy," right?
Sam: Right. But people keep shouting at me stuff like, "HEY SLAYER! PLAY HELL AWAITS!" or "Hey Slayer, no album you do will ever be better than Reign in Blood!" It gets annoying after a while.
Sam leaves without shooting any arrows. Because he knows he'll miss and they'll just mock him.
Sam: Most these guys don't even believe that I killed the Other with the Dragonglass. They think I'm lying. But it's the truth! Lord Commander Mormont believes me. It's too bad we left most of that Dragonglass behind that Jon found. When Jon brought it back to the Fist of the First Men, we kept some of it. Like my dagger. But the Lord Commander was all like, "What do we need all this old weapon shit for?" I wonder if it kills Wights like how it kills the Others. I wish Jon was here.
Lord Commander Mormont: Hey, I'm back motherfuckers. What are you whining about this time, Sam?
Sam: About the Dragonglass we found and left behind.
Mormont: Oh right. Actually it is a pretty fair point to whine about that. But we didn't know at the time that it killed the Others. But we SHOULD HAVE!
Sam: Huh?
Mormont: I'm saying that I bet that, at one time, the Night's Watch did know about that. That's why we were created in the first place, thousands of years ago. Do you think the Seven Kingdoms built a giant fucking wall and manned it with towers and guards to protect ourselves from a few roving gangs of Wildlings? No! Fighting the Others was always our true calling. We lost sight of that. The Wall was built with magic to defend ourselves from the armies of the dead. We used to know all about that stuff. But after the years we forgot. I bet somewhere in the archives and writings of Castle Black, there are records about Dragonglass. If only we would have read those records instead of filing them away to never be seen again... or to turn to dust as the centuries passed by. Who do we have watching over those old books and scrolls? Fucking Maester Aemon. Do you know what he is? BLIND. What good is it to have a librarian that is fucking blind?
Craster: Hey everyone. It's me! I want to announce that that girl Gilly has stopped yowling like a cat in heat. Because she had a kid and it's a son.
Sam: Well, on the one hand I'm sort of relieved. Because if it was a daughter than one day when she turns twelve you'd probably rape and marry her. But on the other hand... since it's a boy... that means you're going to leave it out in the woods as a sacrifice to the Others. Which is also pretty fucked up.
Craster: My house. My rules.
Sam: I mean why not just let me have the baby if you're just going to throw it away like that?
Craster: What the FUCK did you just say?
Sam: I... uhm... err...
Mormont: SAM! SHUT THE HELL UP! Leave this man and his personal life alone! We have no part of this. How dare you talk to our host like that. Get the fuck out of here!
Sam leaves and goes back to where Bannen was.
Bannen: *is now dead*
Sam: Oh. Well... I guess more broth for the rest of us then.
Dirk: It wasn't his wounds that killed Bannen! No! It was him being starved! Craster is starving us all!
Sam: Okay. Sounds like you're on the same page as that Clubfoot Karl gu.
They then burn Bannen's body because otherwise he might turn into a Wight.
As his body burns, everybody smells it.
Dolorous Edd: Mmm. It smells sort of like bacon cooking. Am I the only other person getting hungry?
Everyone Else, Except Sam: Mmmm! Yes! Bannen smells delicious!
Sam: *vomits everywhere in disgust*
Mormont: Well, that was messed up. But we've spent enough time here at Craster's Keep. Tomorrow we leave and head back for the Wall!
Edd: Oh great. We're probably all going to die.
Mormont: What a debby downer you are, Edd.
Craster shows up.
Craster: WHAT? You're all leaving? SWEEEEEEEET! FUCK YEAH! I can't wait to get rid of you all! I hate you guys. Let's throw you a big "going away" party to celebrate you leaving! Don't you have a bunch of dead horses and stuff?
Mormont: Yes.
Craster: Well let's cook up those dead horses and you guys can celebrate with that!
And so Craster sets up a bunch of fires in his Keep and they cook up the dead horses. The meat is terrible and stringy. And it's definitely not enough for everyone.
Clubfoot Karl: This is terrible! It's not enough! We need more food!
Dirk: YEAH! I bet you're hiding food from us!
Other Guys: YEAH!
Mormont: Hey guy guys, shut the fuck up.
Craster: That's right. Do what your boss says and shut the fuck up. And every one of you that questioned me... GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! You were welcomed in under guest's rights and you're being rude to your host. SO FUCKING LEAVE!
Dirk: FUCK YOU, YOU BASTARD!
Dirk pulls out a... well... dirk... and grabs Craster. He slits is throat.
Sam: OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT!
Mormont: YOU FUCKING IDIOT, DIRK! You're not supposed to kill our host!
Ollo Lophand: SHUT UP! It's you who got us into this mess, Lord Commander. Fuck you!
Mormont: Who the fuck is Ollo Lophand?
Ollo Lophand stabs Jeor in the belly.
Mormont: AGHHHH!!!!!
Sam: OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT!
All hell breaks loose.
Sam gets a giant case of PTSD and can't even remember the rest. It was chaos, rape and murder. All Sam can remember is that he grabbed the Lord Commander and dragged him away to somewhere safe.
Sam: We'll get you back to the Wall, Lord Commander. You'll be safe! We'll get you all patched up!
Mormont: Ugh... I'm dying, you fucking idiot.
Raven: *squawk* DYING!
Mormont: Fuck you, Raven. Sam... Sam... you've got to get back to the Wall. You've got to tell them about dragon glass. Also... tell my son... tell him... tell him... *cough*... that he's a fucking slave-buying asshole. But I forgive him. And... *cough*... also... also.. You've got to... to... to... ughhhhhhhhhh....
Just then, three of Craster's wives walk into the room.
Wife: Hey fasto. You're the one that wanted to kidnap Gilly, right?
Sam: Uhh... "rescue" is the term I'd prefer you use.
Wife: Yeah. Rescue. Kidnap. Whatever. While the rest of the Night's Watch is running around stealing food and raping us... how about you take Gilly here and sneak off to the Wall with her?
Sam: I can't! I've got to take care of Lord Commander Mormont!
Wife: Dude, he's dead. Look.
Sam looks. Mormont is dead.
Sam: FUCK!
Gilly: You've got to take me, Sam! You've got to take me and the baby before "they" do!
Sam: Who?
Raven: THEY! THEY! THEY! *SQUAWK*
Sam: Huh?
Raven: OTHERS! DIPSHIT!
Sam: Oh, right.
Wife: You better leave soon! I can feel them coming! Craster's OTHER sons.
Sam: Haha. Other Sons. I see what you did there.
Wife: The cold! I feel the chill coming in the air. Maybe it's because they can only come when it gets cold. Or maybe it gets colder because they bring the cold with them.
Sam: That second option sounds extremely worrisome. Yet somehow I also thing it's the correct option.
Wife: What I'm trying to say is GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
Sam: And what about the rest of you? Am I just going to leave you behind with all the rape and murder and looting?
Wife: Meh. I guess.
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