Jaime is now a prisoner of the Bloody Mummers. He rides with him, with his severed stump where his right hand used to be. It hurts. It hurts like hell. He still has phantom pains where he can feel his hand too. But it’s not there at all.
The Mummers lead him and their other captive, Brienne, on a forced march back to Harrenhal. Jaime finds this ironic, as he won his White Cloak at Harrenhal. As they do so, they beat and taunt them both. They also do some pretty immature shit. Like this:
Bloody Mummer: Hey, are you thirsty, Jaime?
Jaime: YES! You haven’t given me a drink in two days!
Bloody Mummer: Ah. Okay. Have my canteen.
He hands Jaime a canteen. Jaime drinks it and begins to puke it right back up.
Jaime: UGH. That tastes like fucking horse piss!
Bloody Mummer: HAHAHA! That’s because it WAS HORSE PISS!
Jaime: By that I assume you mean Bud Lite?
Bloody Mummer: Yes.
Jaime: Say, which Bloody Mummer are you?
Bloddy Mummer: Eh, who cares? There are a bunch of us. Vargo Hoat, Rorge, Biter, Shagwell, and Zollo. But nobody really cares which one of us in particular is doing this shitty stuff to you.
Jaime: Hehehe. “Shag well.”
Bloody Mummer: And now I will do this to you.
The Anonymous Mummer kicks Jaime in the stump.
Jaime: AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Needless to say, it hurts like hell.
Bloody Mummer: Also, wear this cool necklace.
But the necklace isn’t a necklace at all. It’s Jaime’s severed hand, tied to a string. The Mummer puts it around Jaime’s neck and he’s forced to wear it. Then Jaime and Brienne are tied up facing one another on a horse, with Jaime’s severed hand smothered between the two of them. They keep riding.
Jaime: Well, this is just the worst. Is this some sort of penance thing I must do for throwing Bran out the window?
Yes.
Jaime: So after that I’ll be redeemed and viewed as more of a fan-favorite character that people sympathize with?
It looks that way. Almost like people are totally willing to forgive you for pushing that kid out the window.
Jaime: It’s not like he died or anything. He was just crippled. It’s an endearing character trait. He’s like Drake in that Canadian High School show.
Brienne: It’s called “Degrassi High," Jaime.
Jaime: SHUT UP! Nobody asked you, you fucking cow!
Later, the two are unbound for a rest stop. Jaime uses this opportunity and grabs a sword.
Jaime: HAHA! I’ve got a sword now! I can destroy you all with my left hand!
Bloody Mummer: So you are going to fight us with your left hand… the hand you never have fought with before?
Jaime: Correct.
Bloody Mummer: Even though you are malnourished, sick, weak and have a massive infection on that stump of yours?
Jaime: Yes.
Jaime takes a swing. He misses. They kick in him the stump again.
Jaime: AGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bloody Mummer: Dumbass.
Jaime winds tied up to Brienne again.
Brienne: Well that was stupid. Were you trying to get yourself killed?
Jaime: Yeah, pretty much. My life is basically over now.
Brienne: Wow, you’re such a fucking coward.
Jaime does a double-take.
Jaime: COWARD? COWARD?! Nobody has EVER called me a coward before! I was a teenage boy who took an oath to become a knight. I’ve fought in countless battle after battle. I’ve put my life on the line time and again. I took a chance and stabbed a murderous king that was executing people left and right with fire, despite not being 100% sure which side would actually win the war. I am probably the bravest person in Westeros.
Brienne: Well, not any more. You lost your hand and had to drink a little horse piss, and now you want to kill yourself over it. You’ve given up on life. You were a swordsman who lost your ability to use a sword and so now you’re a weepy bitch. Man up and grow a set. Don’t you still love your sister? Don’t you still have three bastard, inbred children that you love? Don’t you care about your dwarfy brother? Don’t you want to live to see them?
Jaime takes some time to reflect on that.
Jaime: You’re right… you’re right, Brienne! Wanting to die is cowardly. Just like Anthony Bourdain.
Brienne: Too soon. That one still hurts.
Jaime: I agree. Sorry. But you’re right! I need to LIVE! I don’t want to die anymore. I need to survive to see my family! Including my brother, who loves me for a lie. But more importantly… to get revenge! YES! REVENGE! I need to live so that I can become strong enough to kill everyone who has done this to me! One day, I’ll be back in Kings Landing. And I’ll be nursed back to health! And I’ll have a new hand made for me! A hand of gold! And I’ll strange Vargo Hoat to death with that gold hand!
Brienne: Okay, well…. Uhm… I was trying to get you to focus your desire to live in a more positive direction related to love and family. But I guess that revenge thing works too. By the way, what exactly do you mean by the "your brother who loves me for a lie" line?
Jaime: Ah, well you see... remember that whole backstory about Tyrion falling in love with a girl named Tysha only for it to be revealed that she was a whore the whole time and had been paid off my me and my father to pop Tyrion's cherry? Then afterwards my dad made Tyrion watch Tysha get gangbanged? Well... in reality she WASN'T a whore and she and Tyrion really did fall in love. But after my dad found out, he decided to ruin it because he's pretty much a 1-dimensional villain who hates his dwarf son for killing his wife in childbirth. So it was actually true love, but my dad then paid Tysha tons of money (likely under threat of death, as well) to play along with him and ruin Tyrion's life. I pretty much had to go along with it and go with the lie. But Tyrion's end-take on the story is that I was looking out for him and paid a whore to be with him to give him some momentary happiness in his life, only for our father to ruin it all by revealing the truth. When really that isn't the truth at all. But Tyrion doesn't hate me for the ordeal. He hates father. The whole situation is totally messed up.
Brienne: Fuck. And I thought I had issues with my dad just because I'm a tomboy.
Jaime then passes out. Because, you know, he’s violently sick with an infected hand that is probably going to kill him anyway.
Bloody Mummer: Well, type to rape the woman.
Other Bloody Mummer: I agree.
And so the Bloody Mummers (specifically Rorge, Shagell and Zollo) decide that they are going to gang rape Brienne.
Jaime wakes up as they descend on her.
Jaime: Don’t try to fight it, Brienne. They’ll make it even worse. They’ll beat you.
Brienne: Oh, I’m going to fight it alright.
Jaime: Damnit, you foolish woman! If there is only some way I can stop them from doing this. But remember what happens when you scream “RAPE!” Nobody does anything about it, because society is full of selfish monsters who don’t want to do anything. That’s why you’re supposed to scream “FIRE!” Instead. But then again, half the countryside is on fire. So nobody cares about fire either. So… uhmm…. SAPPHIRES! SAPPHIRES!
Vargo Hoat: Wait… why the hell are you shthreaming “thapphireth?”
Jaime: Well, half of it is to remind you what I told you early about Brienne being from the Isle of Sapphire. If Brienne is returned to her father unharmed… then you’ll be given a ton of sapphires as a reward.
Vargo Hoat: And the othhur halfth?
Jaime: I just wanted to hear you say, “thapphireth.”
Vargo Hoat: REALEAFTH THE WENCHTCH!
Bloody Mummers: Awww! AWW! But we wanted to rape!
Brienne: Wow. Thanks for defending me. Why did you do that?
Jaime: A Lannister always pays his debts.
Brienne: But I was literally just trying to drown you in a river a few chapters ago.
Jaime: Eh.I feel like we've connected so much, ya know.
And they keep going. Finally they arrive at Harrenhal, and see the Stark and Bolton banners hanging from the castle.
Vargo Hoat: Lord Bothon! I prethenth to you, Jaime Lannithsther!
Aenys Frey: Dumbass, I’m not Lord Bolton. He’s out getting leeched or something. I’m Aenys Frey.
Jaime: Heheheh. Anus!
Aenys: NO! DAMNIT! NO! IT’S NOT PRONOUNCED THAT WAY!
Jaime: Oh, you know it is.
Aenys: SHUT UP! Anyway, I’m in charge while Lord Bolton is out.
Jaime: Ah, well Mr. Frey. My condolences to you.
Aenys: About what?
Jaime: Cleos.
Aenys: What about Cleos?
Jaime: You know. Cleos Frey. Your nephew. You are Lord Walder's third son. Lord Walder's second son was Emmon, who married my aunt Genna Lannister, and whose eldest child is... or was... Cleos.
Aenys: What about him?
Jaime: Ah, well he was just brutally murdered. By these guys right here.
Jaime points to the Bloody Mummers.
Bloody Mummers: *whistle innocently*
Aenys: IS THIS TRUE?!
Bloody Mummer: Well, I mean… TECHNICALLY he died in an accident when his horse went crazy and ran away, and he fell from his horse but got caught in the stirrups. And his head got battered against trees and rocks and the ground and shit. So it’s not like we killed him. Rocks and trees killed him. Or, arguably, his horse.
Aenys: And why was his horse scared and running? Why did the horse throw him off? Was it because you were attacking him and shooting arrows at him?
Bloody Mummer: *blushing* Maybe. I mean there were "outlaw archers" who shot at him in the books just a little bit before we showed up. I guess the book never explicitly says it was us that did it. It could have been another group of people that did that, and then by coincidence we happened to be nearby. We did totally steal all of Cleos's stuff from his dead body though. Our bad.
Aenys: Well, well, well. Do you know what I’m going to now that I learned this? Now that I learned that you… the Bloody Mummers… my own allies… have essentially or probably killed my nephew Cleos Frey?
Bloody Mummer: *gulp*
Aenys: Absolutely nothing. Because we Freys really don’t care about each other. As a matter of fact, it’s sort of cool that you killed one of my cousins. My dad Walder just won’t die. But one day he will. And one of us gets to inherit everything. The more of my cousins and nephews that die… the less competition.
Bloody Mummer: *whew*
Brienne: Aenys, ser, if I may… I should not be a prisoner! I have sworn my allegiance to House Stark! I am on your side!
Aenys: Stark? HAHAHA. Forget that nonsense. The Starks betrayed the Freys! I’m not on your side anymore.
Brienne: Uhh… what? But there are Stark banners hanging outside of the castle.
Aenys: We’re too lazy to take them down.
Brienne: Look, I know of no betrayal. What I do know is that Cat Stark sent me on this very important mission to return Jaime Lannister to King’s Landing in exchange for her daughters.
Aenys: Pffft. Whatever. Now I gotta figure out what the hell to do with you two until Lord Bolton gets back.
Lord Bolton: Hey, I’m back.
Aenys: Wow, that was fast.
Lord Bolton: So what the hell do we have here? OH SHIT, DAWG! Is that Jaime Lannister?
Vargo Hoat: Yesh, Lord Bolthon! My men havth capthured him! I plan to shend his thevered hand to Lord Tywin Lannishther as a warning and demand an ranshom! Then, instched of giving him to Tywin, I thchall give him to Lord Karsthark inschted!
Bolton: The fuck you will. Lord Karstark is dead, beheaded as a traitor by Robb Stark. Our plans are changing. Haven’t you heard? A lot of things are changing. Stannis Baratheon was defeated at Kings Landing. And the marriage alliance between King Joffrey and Sansa Stark is off. The forces of Highgarden rallied behind the Lannisters at the Battle for Kings Landing and now Joffrey is betrothed to a Tyrell girl.
Jaime: Oh wow. Thanks for all the plot exposition, so now I can be caught up on the storyline that I missed while I was away on back roads.
Bolton: You’re welcome.
Jaime: But you said your plans have changed. What exactly is your new plan?
Bolton: Oh, you’ll see. But part of it means fixing you up. You need to be given a suitable room and I’ll have my maester, Qyburn, tend to that stump of yours. It’s infected. I could tell before I even came in the room. I smelled it before I saw it.
Jaime: Cool beans. You’ve got a Maester?
Bolton: Eh. Ex-maester, technically. He was actually expelled from the order for engaging in horrible, horrible Dr. Frankenstein-like experiments with dead bodies.
Jaime: Oh, cool. Sounds like exactly the type of person who should be giving people medical care.You sure you can't get me Conrad Murray or Harold Shipman?
And so Jaime goes to Qyburn.
Qyburn: Yikes. This infection is pretty bad. I’m going to have to cut your whole arm off.
Jaime: THE HELL YOU WILL. I WILL KILL YOU!
Qyburn: Dude. It’s infected. The risk is too much if I don’t. You could die.
Jaime: If I die… I die! Just cut off the infected bits and treat the rest with some Neosporin or something.
Qyburn: Okay, technically that hasn’t been invented yet. Also it's a brand name rather than a specific drug. Technically it's called Neomycin/polymyxin B/bacitracin. But I suppose if I only cut away the rotting flesh you have a CHANCE of living. If I get working right now.
Jaime: Then do it!
Qyburn: Here, have milk of the poppy first.
Jaime: NO WAY! If I take that opium then I’ll fall asleep and will feel nothing. Do you know what then?
Qyburn: Oh… are you worried that I’m like one of those dentists that puts my balls in my patients’ mouth when I knock them out? Because I don’t do that. Anymore.
Jaime: Gross. But no. If you knock me out, then I’m going to wake up WITHOUT AN ARM.
Qyburn: So you want me to cut away all your rotting flesh from your arm WITHOUT anesthesia?
Jaime: Pretty much. Hey! Wouldn't it be funny for Vargo Hoat to say, "anesthesia?"
Qyburn: You do realize how much doing this without milk of the poppy will hurt, right?
Jaime: Yes.
Qyburn: Do you realize it will hurt so much and be so painful that it will cause you to pass out? Then you’ll be in the exact same situation you would have been in if I had given you milk of the poppy. Passed out. Only if we do it the milk of the poppy way – you won’t feel the massive pain.
Jaime: I’ll take my chances.
Qyburn: Well… okay then… idiot.
Qyburn starts to cut at Jaime’s infected flesh.
Jaime: AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jaime passes out.
Qyburn: Told you, idiot.
Jaime wakes up, hours later. He looks at his arm. It’s not completely cut off.
Jaime: Oh, thank the gods.
Qyburn: It was touch and go there for a bit. I thought you’d die for sure. But maybe you’ll be okay. You could still have infected blood though. I better put some leeches on you to suck out bad blood.
Jaime: Gross. Leeches. What is it with you guys and leeches?
The Mummers lead him and their other captive, Brienne, on a forced march back to Harrenhal. Jaime finds this ironic, as he won his White Cloak at Harrenhal. As they do so, they beat and taunt them both. They also do some pretty immature shit. Like this:
Bloody Mummer: Hey, are you thirsty, Jaime?
Jaime: YES! You haven’t given me a drink in two days!
Bloody Mummer: Ah. Okay. Have my canteen.
He hands Jaime a canteen. Jaime drinks it and begins to puke it right back up.
Jaime: UGH. That tastes like fucking horse piss!
Bloody Mummer: HAHAHA! That’s because it WAS HORSE PISS!
Jaime: By that I assume you mean Bud Lite?
Bloody Mummer: Yes.
Jaime: Say, which Bloody Mummer are you?
Bloddy Mummer: Eh, who cares? There are a bunch of us. Vargo Hoat, Rorge, Biter, Shagwell, and Zollo. But nobody really cares which one of us in particular is doing this shitty stuff to you.
Jaime: Hehehe. “Shag well.”
Bloody Mummer: And now I will do this to you.
The Anonymous Mummer kicks Jaime in the stump.
Jaime: AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Needless to say, it hurts like hell.
Bloody Mummer: Also, wear this cool necklace.
But the necklace isn’t a necklace at all. It’s Jaime’s severed hand, tied to a string. The Mummer puts it around Jaime’s neck and he’s forced to wear it. Then Jaime and Brienne are tied up facing one another on a horse, with Jaime’s severed hand smothered between the two of them. They keep riding.
Jaime: Well, this is just the worst. Is this some sort of penance thing I must do for throwing Bran out the window?
Yes.
Jaime: So after that I’ll be redeemed and viewed as more of a fan-favorite character that people sympathize with?
It looks that way. Almost like people are totally willing to forgive you for pushing that kid out the window.
Jaime: It’s not like he died or anything. He was just crippled. It’s an endearing character trait. He’s like Drake in that Canadian High School show.
Brienne: It’s called “Degrassi High," Jaime.
Jaime: SHUT UP! Nobody asked you, you fucking cow!
Later, the two are unbound for a rest stop. Jaime uses this opportunity and grabs a sword.
Jaime: HAHA! I’ve got a sword now! I can destroy you all with my left hand!
Bloody Mummer: So you are going to fight us with your left hand… the hand you never have fought with before?
Jaime: Correct.
Bloody Mummer: Even though you are malnourished, sick, weak and have a massive infection on that stump of yours?
Jaime: Yes.
Jaime takes a swing. He misses. They kick in him the stump again.
Jaime: AGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bloody Mummer: Dumbass.
Jaime winds tied up to Brienne again.
Brienne: Well that was stupid. Were you trying to get yourself killed?
Jaime: Yeah, pretty much. My life is basically over now.
Brienne: Wow, you’re such a fucking coward.
Jaime does a double-take.
Jaime: COWARD? COWARD?! Nobody has EVER called me a coward before! I was a teenage boy who took an oath to become a knight. I’ve fought in countless battle after battle. I’ve put my life on the line time and again. I took a chance and stabbed a murderous king that was executing people left and right with fire, despite not being 100% sure which side would actually win the war. I am probably the bravest person in Westeros.
Brienne: Well, not any more. You lost your hand and had to drink a little horse piss, and now you want to kill yourself over it. You’ve given up on life. You were a swordsman who lost your ability to use a sword and so now you’re a weepy bitch. Man up and grow a set. Don’t you still love your sister? Don’t you still have three bastard, inbred children that you love? Don’t you care about your dwarfy brother? Don’t you want to live to see them?
Jaime takes some time to reflect on that.
Jaime: You’re right… you’re right, Brienne! Wanting to die is cowardly. Just like Anthony Bourdain.
Brienne: Too soon. That one still hurts.
Jaime: I agree. Sorry. But you’re right! I need to LIVE! I don’t want to die anymore. I need to survive to see my family! Including my brother, who loves me for a lie. But more importantly… to get revenge! YES! REVENGE! I need to live so that I can become strong enough to kill everyone who has done this to me! One day, I’ll be back in Kings Landing. And I’ll be nursed back to health! And I’ll have a new hand made for me! A hand of gold! And I’ll strange Vargo Hoat to death with that gold hand!
Brienne: Okay, well…. Uhm… I was trying to get you to focus your desire to live in a more positive direction related to love and family. But I guess that revenge thing works too. By the way, what exactly do you mean by the "your brother who loves me for a lie" line?
Jaime: Ah, well you see... remember that whole backstory about Tyrion falling in love with a girl named Tysha only for it to be revealed that she was a whore the whole time and had been paid off my me and my father to pop Tyrion's cherry? Then afterwards my dad made Tyrion watch Tysha get gangbanged? Well... in reality she WASN'T a whore and she and Tyrion really did fall in love. But after my dad found out, he decided to ruin it because he's pretty much a 1-dimensional villain who hates his dwarf son for killing his wife in childbirth. So it was actually true love, but my dad then paid Tysha tons of money (likely under threat of death, as well) to play along with him and ruin Tyrion's life. I pretty much had to go along with it and go with the lie. But Tyrion's end-take on the story is that I was looking out for him and paid a whore to be with him to give him some momentary happiness in his life, only for our father to ruin it all by revealing the truth. When really that isn't the truth at all. But Tyrion doesn't hate me for the ordeal. He hates father. The whole situation is totally messed up.
Brienne: Fuck. And I thought I had issues with my dad just because I'm a tomboy.
Jaime then passes out. Because, you know, he’s violently sick with an infected hand that is probably going to kill him anyway.
Bloody Mummer: Well, type to rape the woman.
Other Bloody Mummer: I agree.
And so the Bloody Mummers (specifically Rorge, Shagell and Zollo) decide that they are going to gang rape Brienne.
Jaime wakes up as they descend on her.
Jaime: Don’t try to fight it, Brienne. They’ll make it even worse. They’ll beat you.
Brienne: Oh, I’m going to fight it alright.
Jaime: Damnit, you foolish woman! If there is only some way I can stop them from doing this. But remember what happens when you scream “RAPE!” Nobody does anything about it, because society is full of selfish monsters who don’t want to do anything. That’s why you’re supposed to scream “FIRE!” Instead. But then again, half the countryside is on fire. So nobody cares about fire either. So… uhmm…. SAPPHIRES! SAPPHIRES!
Vargo Hoat: Wait… why the hell are you shthreaming “thapphireth?”
Jaime: Well, half of it is to remind you what I told you early about Brienne being from the Isle of Sapphire. If Brienne is returned to her father unharmed… then you’ll be given a ton of sapphires as a reward.
Vargo Hoat: And the othhur halfth?
Jaime: I just wanted to hear you say, “thapphireth.”
Vargo Hoat: REALEAFTH THE WENCHTCH!
Bloody Mummers: Awww! AWW! But we wanted to rape!
Brienne: Wow. Thanks for defending me. Why did you do that?
Jaime: A Lannister always pays his debts.
Brienne: But I was literally just trying to drown you in a river a few chapters ago.
Jaime: Eh.I feel like we've connected so much, ya know.
And they keep going. Finally they arrive at Harrenhal, and see the Stark and Bolton banners hanging from the castle.
Vargo Hoat: Lord Bothon! I prethenth to you, Jaime Lannithsther!
Aenys Frey: Dumbass, I’m not Lord Bolton. He’s out getting leeched or something. I’m Aenys Frey.
Jaime: Heheheh. Anus!
Aenys: NO! DAMNIT! NO! IT’S NOT PRONOUNCED THAT WAY!
Jaime: Oh, you know it is.
Aenys: SHUT UP! Anyway, I’m in charge while Lord Bolton is out.
Jaime: Ah, well Mr. Frey. My condolences to you.
Aenys: About what?
Jaime: Cleos.
Aenys: What about Cleos?
Jaime: You know. Cleos Frey. Your nephew. You are Lord Walder's third son. Lord Walder's second son was Emmon, who married my aunt Genna Lannister, and whose eldest child is... or was... Cleos.
Aenys: What about him?
Jaime: Ah, well he was just brutally murdered. By these guys right here.
Jaime points to the Bloody Mummers.
Bloody Mummers: *whistle innocently*
Aenys: IS THIS TRUE?!
Bloody Mummer: Well, I mean… TECHNICALLY he died in an accident when his horse went crazy and ran away, and he fell from his horse but got caught in the stirrups. And his head got battered against trees and rocks and the ground and shit. So it’s not like we killed him. Rocks and trees killed him. Or, arguably, his horse.
Aenys: And why was his horse scared and running? Why did the horse throw him off? Was it because you were attacking him and shooting arrows at him?
Bloody Mummer: *blushing* Maybe. I mean there were "outlaw archers" who shot at him in the books just a little bit before we showed up. I guess the book never explicitly says it was us that did it. It could have been another group of people that did that, and then by coincidence we happened to be nearby. We did totally steal all of Cleos's stuff from his dead body though. Our bad.
Aenys: Well, well, well. Do you know what I’m going to now that I learned this? Now that I learned that you… the Bloody Mummers… my own allies… have essentially or probably killed my nephew Cleos Frey?
Bloody Mummer: *gulp*
Aenys: Absolutely nothing. Because we Freys really don’t care about each other. As a matter of fact, it’s sort of cool that you killed one of my cousins. My dad Walder just won’t die. But one day he will. And one of us gets to inherit everything. The more of my cousins and nephews that die… the less competition.
Bloody Mummer: *whew*
Brienne: Aenys, ser, if I may… I should not be a prisoner! I have sworn my allegiance to House Stark! I am on your side!
Aenys: Stark? HAHAHA. Forget that nonsense. The Starks betrayed the Freys! I’m not on your side anymore.
Brienne: Uhh… what? But there are Stark banners hanging outside of the castle.
Aenys: We’re too lazy to take them down.
Brienne: Look, I know of no betrayal. What I do know is that Cat Stark sent me on this very important mission to return Jaime Lannister to King’s Landing in exchange for her daughters.
Aenys: Pffft. Whatever. Now I gotta figure out what the hell to do with you two until Lord Bolton gets back.
Lord Bolton: Hey, I’m back.
Aenys: Wow, that was fast.
Lord Bolton: So what the hell do we have here? OH SHIT, DAWG! Is that Jaime Lannister?
Vargo Hoat: Yesh, Lord Bolthon! My men havth capthured him! I plan to shend his thevered hand to Lord Tywin Lannishther as a warning and demand an ranshom! Then, instched of giving him to Tywin, I thchall give him to Lord Karsthark inschted!
Bolton: The fuck you will. Lord Karstark is dead, beheaded as a traitor by Robb Stark. Our plans are changing. Haven’t you heard? A lot of things are changing. Stannis Baratheon was defeated at Kings Landing. And the marriage alliance between King Joffrey and Sansa Stark is off. The forces of Highgarden rallied behind the Lannisters at the Battle for Kings Landing and now Joffrey is betrothed to a Tyrell girl.
Jaime: Oh wow. Thanks for all the plot exposition, so now I can be caught up on the storyline that I missed while I was away on back roads.
Bolton: You’re welcome.
Jaime: But you said your plans have changed. What exactly is your new plan?
Bolton: Oh, you’ll see. But part of it means fixing you up. You need to be given a suitable room and I’ll have my maester, Qyburn, tend to that stump of yours. It’s infected. I could tell before I even came in the room. I smelled it before I saw it.
Jaime: Cool beans. You’ve got a Maester?
Bolton: Eh. Ex-maester, technically. He was actually expelled from the order for engaging in horrible, horrible Dr. Frankenstein-like experiments with dead bodies.
Jaime: Oh, cool. Sounds like exactly the type of person who should be giving people medical care.You sure you can't get me Conrad Murray or Harold Shipman?
And so Jaime goes to Qyburn.
Qyburn: Yikes. This infection is pretty bad. I’m going to have to cut your whole arm off.
Jaime: THE HELL YOU WILL. I WILL KILL YOU!
Qyburn: Dude. It’s infected. The risk is too much if I don’t. You could die.
Jaime: If I die… I die! Just cut off the infected bits and treat the rest with some Neosporin or something.
Qyburn: Okay, technically that hasn’t been invented yet. Also it's a brand name rather than a specific drug. Technically it's called Neomycin/polymyxin B/bacitracin. But I suppose if I only cut away the rotting flesh you have a CHANCE of living. If I get working right now.
Jaime: Then do it!
Qyburn: Here, have milk of the poppy first.
Jaime: NO WAY! If I take that opium then I’ll fall asleep and will feel nothing. Do you know what then?
Qyburn: Oh… are you worried that I’m like one of those dentists that puts my balls in my patients’ mouth when I knock them out? Because I don’t do that. Anymore.
Jaime: Gross. But no. If you knock me out, then I’m going to wake up WITHOUT AN ARM.
Qyburn: So you want me to cut away all your rotting flesh from your arm WITHOUT anesthesia?
Jaime: Pretty much. Hey! Wouldn't it be funny for Vargo Hoat to say, "anesthesia?"
Qyburn: You do realize how much doing this without milk of the poppy will hurt, right?
Jaime: Yes.
Qyburn: Do you realize it will hurt so much and be so painful that it will cause you to pass out? Then you’ll be in the exact same situation you would have been in if I had given you milk of the poppy. Passed out. Only if we do it the milk of the poppy way – you won’t feel the massive pain.
Jaime: I’ll take my chances.
Qyburn: Well… okay then… idiot.
Qyburn starts to cut at Jaime’s infected flesh.
Jaime: AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jaime passes out.
Qyburn: Told you, idiot.
Jaime wakes up, hours later. He looks at his arm. It’s not completely cut off.
Jaime: Oh, thank the gods.
Qyburn: It was touch and go there for a bit. I thought you’d die for sure. But maybe you’ll be okay. You could still have infected blood though. I better put some leeches on you to suck out bad blood.
Jaime: Gross. Leeches. What is it with you guys and leeches?
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