The Brotherhood with Banners, with their hostages Arya and Gendry, arrive at the Stoney Sept.
Harwin: Ah, Arya. Welcome to the Stoney Sept. This is a pretty historic place. A great battle was fought here several years ago that included your father and Robert Baratheon. That’s before Robert was king. He was rebelling against the Targaryens. The battle was called “The Battle of the Bells,” and Robert Battled the Hand of the King, Jon Connington. Robert himself killed six men, including Ser Myles—
Arya: Dude, nobody cares. That’s ancient history. Do you really think Jon Connington will ever be important in these stories? Besides, it looks like more recent battles have been fought here than that. I mean just look.
There are burned down houses and corpses laying all around.
Harwin: Ah, true.
They enter through the gates to the sept, which is really more of a city that has popped up around a sept than just a sept.
Gate Keeper: This girl speaks true. There has been much bloodshed here. Wolves and Mummers alike have been pillaging and raping the countryside.
Arya: Dude, stop listening in to my conversations. I was talking to Harwin, not you.
Gate Keeper: Sorry, I’m just here to drop plot exposition on you all. Have you heard that the Kingslayer Jaime Lannister has escaped? Why! We should send the hounds after him and have them chew him to pieces!
Lem Lemoncloak: A dead Kingslayer is no use to us as a hostage.
As Arya walks through the town surrounding the Sept, she sees a number of men bound in tuiny cages that were designed for crows. They are in ROUGH shape. In addition to being crammed into small cages for birds, some of them have really bad injuries. Almost all of them are starving and near death. Some of them have festering wounds with maggots crawling over them and hideous eye infections.
Arya: What the hell did these Lannister guys do?
Random Townswoman: Lannister? Haha, no. These are Stark men.
Arya: Whaaaaaaaaaaaa?
Random Townswoman: Yes. They were sent to find the Kingslayer at Tumbler’s Falls. But when they didn’t find him, they started raping and murdering eight people.
Arya: This is really messing with the moral constructs I’ve built in my dead that Stark Loyalists = Good and Lannister Loyalists = Bad.
Harwin: What the hell have we been trying to explain to you for the last several chapters, Arya? War is hell and atrocities are committed on all sides.
Dying Man in Cage: Water… water… wa… wa…
Arya: Can’t we give the guy some water?
Random Townswoman: NO! Didn’t I just explain that he’s a rapist and murderer?
Arya: Look, usually I’m on the side of killing bad people. Or people who sort of annoy me. But this whole torture and suffering thing? That’s a little too sadistic even for me.
Harwin: Agreed. The Brotherhood without Banners isn’t about that torture lifestyle.
Arya goes and gets a pot of water and runs to dying man in the cage. He drinks it and lets it run down his sun-burned, puss-ridden body. Gendry and Harwin then help out and give water to others.
Anguy: Yeah, I agree with Arya. This is pretty messed up. Watching these guys slowly die. We should put them out of their misery. I wish someone would do something about this.
Greenbeard: Hey… isn’t your name ANGUY THE ARCHER?
Anguy: Oh yeah. Right.
Anguye pulls out his bow and arrow and mercy kills the men in the cages.
Arya: Valar Morghulis.
After this, everyone goes to an inn called “the Peach.”
Arya: Wow, an inn that is named after a slang term for vagina. What are the chances that this is just a brothel and Robert stayed here when he came through this town?
Tansy: Hi! I'm a prostitute named TANSY. *wink*wink* Get it? Tansy? I'm here to throw you off and make you think Hoster Tully's comments about "Tansy" might be about a girl named Tansy. But his comments were not. They were about Lysa Tully having an abortion after she slept with Littlefinger.
Bella: And Hi there, too! I’ll be your server! My name is Bella and I’m King Robert Baratheon’s bastard daughter. My mom was his favorite when he visited here.
Bella then begins to take all her clothes off and gives lap dances to the men.
Arya: Called it.
Bella: Oh hey there, big stud. What’s your name?
Gendry: Uhh… Gen… Gen… Gendry.
Bella: You’re cute. You look sort of familiar... in a comforting way. Even though I've never met you before. How about me and you go upstairs and I fuck your brains out?
Arya: OH MY GOD I THINK I’M GOING TO VOMIT INTO A BAG. YOU TWO ARE BROTHER AND SISTER!
Gendry: Shhh! We don’t know that yet. So far in the plot I am unaware who my father is. But still. This grosses me out because I’m afraid of girls. So I will run away now.
He runs away.
Bella: Who’s ready for a WET T-SHIRT CONTEST? WOOOOO!!!!
She takes out a water hose and starts dousing everyone.
Arya: Eww. Gross! A bath? But I just had a bath a few weeks ago at Lady Smallwood’s place! Nasty!
Arya really hates bathes. Anyway, she gets cleaned up and is given new clothes. These are women’s clothes, which Arya hates because she’s such a tomboy.
Dirty Old Man: Hey there little girl. Are you one of the workers here? How about I take you upstairs?
Arya: Gross. I am ten years old.
Dirty Old Man: Hahaha, nice. The younger the better! Let’s go and—
Gendry then comes back and cold stone knocks that perverted motherfucker out.
Arya: Thanks.
Gendry: No problem.
Arya: But I could have handed it myself.
Gendry: Yeah, probably by murdering him, you sadistic sociopath.
Arya: NUH UH!
Gendry: You totally would have.
Arya: SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!
This time Arya storms off. She always gets angry when she fights with Gendry and she doesn't quite understand why. Just like she's not quite sure why she just cockblocked him. But the real reason is that she totally has the hots for him.
Arya: HEY!
She eventually goes to bed. But she recites her list of people she wants to murder before going to bed. It’s comforting to her. Like counting sheep. Except murder.
Arya: Joffrey Baratheon,Chiswyck, Gregor Clegane, Sandor Clegane, Dunsen, Queen Cersei, Amory Lorch, Ilyn Payne, Polliver, Raff, The Tickler, Meryn Trant, Weese.
Gendry: Oh, so the crossed out ones are already dead?
Arya: Yep.
Gendry: 3 out of 13? Not bad. You're making some progress.
Arya: I am.
As Arya sleeps, she dreams of wolves. And by “dreams” I mean she wargs into Nymeria. Nymeria leads a pack of she-wolves to a horse and they kill it and eat it. It’s delicious.
The next morning she’s awoken by the sound of barking dogs. She goes out the window and sees that the Brotherhood without Banner has captured a prisoner.
Huntsman, a Member of the Brotherhood: Hahaha! Look who we caught! This bloody Lannister bastard!
Gendry: Oh SHIT! Is that Jaime? Have they caught the Kingslayer?
Arya squints and looks as they get closer. Then she sees who it is.
Arya: Oh, it’s not Jaime! It’s someone much, much better! The gods heard my prayers after all!
Gendry: So are you going to tell me who it is?
Arya: No.
Gendry: Why not?
Arya: It’s a better cliffhanger.
Harwin: Ah, Arya. Welcome to the Stoney Sept. This is a pretty historic place. A great battle was fought here several years ago that included your father and Robert Baratheon. That’s before Robert was king. He was rebelling against the Targaryens. The battle was called “The Battle of the Bells,” and Robert Battled the Hand of the King, Jon Connington. Robert himself killed six men, including Ser Myles—
Arya: Dude, nobody cares. That’s ancient history. Do you really think Jon Connington will ever be important in these stories? Besides, it looks like more recent battles have been fought here than that. I mean just look.
There are burned down houses and corpses laying all around.
Harwin: Ah, true.
They enter through the gates to the sept, which is really more of a city that has popped up around a sept than just a sept.
Gate Keeper: This girl speaks true. There has been much bloodshed here. Wolves and Mummers alike have been pillaging and raping the countryside.
Arya: Dude, stop listening in to my conversations. I was talking to Harwin, not you.
Gate Keeper: Sorry, I’m just here to drop plot exposition on you all. Have you heard that the Kingslayer Jaime Lannister has escaped? Why! We should send the hounds after him and have them chew him to pieces!
Lem Lemoncloak: A dead Kingslayer is no use to us as a hostage.
As Arya walks through the town surrounding the Sept, she sees a number of men bound in tuiny cages that were designed for crows. They are in ROUGH shape. In addition to being crammed into small cages for birds, some of them have really bad injuries. Almost all of them are starving and near death. Some of them have festering wounds with maggots crawling over them and hideous eye infections.
Arya: What the hell did these Lannister guys do?
Random Townswoman: Lannister? Haha, no. These are Stark men.
Arya: Whaaaaaaaaaaaa?
Random Townswoman: Yes. They were sent to find the Kingslayer at Tumbler’s Falls. But when they didn’t find him, they started raping and murdering eight people.
Arya: This is really messing with the moral constructs I’ve built in my dead that Stark Loyalists = Good and Lannister Loyalists = Bad.
Harwin: What the hell have we been trying to explain to you for the last several chapters, Arya? War is hell and atrocities are committed on all sides.
Dying Man in Cage: Water… water… wa… wa…
Arya: Can’t we give the guy some water?
Random Townswoman: NO! Didn’t I just explain that he’s a rapist and murderer?
Arya: Look, usually I’m on the side of killing bad people. Or people who sort of annoy me. But this whole torture and suffering thing? That’s a little too sadistic even for me.
Harwin: Agreed. The Brotherhood without Banners isn’t about that torture lifestyle.
Arya goes and gets a pot of water and runs to dying man in the cage. He drinks it and lets it run down his sun-burned, puss-ridden body. Gendry and Harwin then help out and give water to others.
Anguy: Yeah, I agree with Arya. This is pretty messed up. Watching these guys slowly die. We should put them out of their misery. I wish someone would do something about this.
Greenbeard: Hey… isn’t your name ANGUY THE ARCHER?
Anguy: Oh yeah. Right.
Anguye pulls out his bow and arrow and mercy kills the men in the cages.
Arya: Valar Morghulis.
After this, everyone goes to an inn called “the Peach.”
Arya: Wow, an inn that is named after a slang term for vagina. What are the chances that this is just a brothel and Robert stayed here when he came through this town?
Tansy: Hi! I'm a prostitute named TANSY. *wink*wink* Get it? Tansy? I'm here to throw you off and make you think Hoster Tully's comments about "Tansy" might be about a girl named Tansy. But his comments were not. They were about Lysa Tully having an abortion after she slept with Littlefinger.
Bella: And Hi there, too! I’ll be your server! My name is Bella and I’m King Robert Baratheon’s bastard daughter. My mom was his favorite when he visited here.
Bella then begins to take all her clothes off and gives lap dances to the men.
Arya: Called it.
Bella: Oh hey there, big stud. What’s your name?
Gendry: Uhh… Gen… Gen… Gendry.
Bella: You’re cute. You look sort of familiar... in a comforting way. Even though I've never met you before. How about me and you go upstairs and I fuck your brains out?
Arya: OH MY GOD I THINK I’M GOING TO VOMIT INTO A BAG. YOU TWO ARE BROTHER AND SISTER!
Gendry: Shhh! We don’t know that yet. So far in the plot I am unaware who my father is. But still. This grosses me out because I’m afraid of girls. So I will run away now.
He runs away.
Bella: Who’s ready for a WET T-SHIRT CONTEST? WOOOOO!!!!
She takes out a water hose and starts dousing everyone.
Arya: Eww. Gross! A bath? But I just had a bath a few weeks ago at Lady Smallwood’s place! Nasty!
Arya really hates bathes. Anyway, she gets cleaned up and is given new clothes. These are women’s clothes, which Arya hates because she’s such a tomboy.
Dirty Old Man: Hey there little girl. Are you one of the workers here? How about I take you upstairs?
Arya: Gross. I am ten years old.
Dirty Old Man: Hahaha, nice. The younger the better! Let’s go and—
Gendry then comes back and cold stone knocks that perverted motherfucker out.
Arya: Thanks.
Gendry: No problem.
Arya: But I could have handed it myself.
Gendry: Yeah, probably by murdering him, you sadistic sociopath.
Arya: NUH UH!
Gendry: You totally would have.
Arya: SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!
This time Arya storms off. She always gets angry when she fights with Gendry and she doesn't quite understand why. Just like she's not quite sure why she just cockblocked him. But the real reason is that she totally has the hots for him.
Arya: HEY!
She eventually goes to bed. But she recites her list of people she wants to murder before going to bed. It’s comforting to her. Like counting sheep. Except murder.
Arya: Joffrey Baratheon,
Gendry: Oh, so the crossed out ones are already dead?
Arya: Yep.
Gendry: 3 out of 13? Not bad. You're making some progress.
Arya: I am.
As Arya sleeps, she dreams of wolves. And by “dreams” I mean she wargs into Nymeria. Nymeria leads a pack of she-wolves to a horse and they kill it and eat it. It’s delicious.
The next morning she’s awoken by the sound of barking dogs. She goes out the window and sees that the Brotherhood without Banner has captured a prisoner.
Huntsman, a Member of the Brotherhood: Hahaha! Look who we caught! This bloody Lannister bastard!
Gendry: Oh SHIT! Is that Jaime? Have they caught the Kingslayer?
Arya squints and looks as they get closer. Then she sees who it is.
Arya: Oh, it’s not Jaime! It’s someone much, much better! The gods heard my prayers after all!
Gendry: So are you going to tell me who it is?
Arya: No.
Gendry: Why not?
Arya: It’s a better cliffhanger.
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