Davos is still stuck in his dank, dark cell at Dragonstone with his cellmate, Alester Florent.
Alester: I hate this so much! I wish I was free! This is all just a huge misunderstanding!
Davos: Ugh. I liked it better when I was in solitary confinement.
Suddenly, a bunch of noise can be heard. Someone is coming closer. But who?
Ser Axell Florent: Me!
Alester: Oh, thank goodness! My dear younger brother! You’re here to set me free.
Axell: Nope. I’m here for Davos.
Alester: WHAAAAA?
Davos: Well, I guess it’s time for me to be executed, huh? That’s probably for the best. I’d rather be beheaded than spend more time in here with Alester.
Alester: Dude, I’m not that bad, am I?
Axell: No, we’re not here to execute you, Davos. Although if it were up to me, I would burn you in a sacrifice to the red god for your treason. The King has asked to see you.
Davos: Oh. Sweet.
They open the cell and let Davos out.
As they walk towards the Stone Drum and the Chamber of the Painted Table, Ser Axell begins to whisper to Davos.
Axell: Don’t think that just because Stannis trusts you that I will. I know you mean to commit treason against him! For I have seen it in the flames of R’hllor!
Davos: Dude, you are fucking crazy.
Axell: I have also seen in the flames who Stannis must choose as his NEXT Hand of the King, replacing my treacherous brother. ME! ME! THAT’S WHO!
Davos: Uhh. Okay.
Axell: So if Stannis asks who should be the next hand, you better tell him me… okay? If not… well… Dragonstone is a very dangerous place, ya know! You could have an “accident” and fall off the side of a wall any time.
Davos: Wow, aren’t you just a lovely D-Team supporting character.
In the Chamber of the Painted table, Davos sees his king. But Stannis looks ROUGH. In the last few months since Davos last saw him, Stannis appears to have aged 10 years.
Stannis: Ah, Davos. Do you know what the punishment for treason is?
Davos: Uh, yeah. It’s death, bro.
Stannis: Indeed it is.
Davos: But we’re not talking about me, right? We’re talking about Alester Florent.
Stannis: Correct.
Davos: Give him a break, man. I know he was a super annoying cellmate to me. But he doesn’t deserve to die for it. He didn’t MEAN to commit treason.
Stannis: And yet he did. How fucked up is that? How is it that my shitty brother Robert always had people rally to his side? Even his enemies. They’d be on opposing sides and would fight a battle. And then afterwards they’d go drinking an d become besties. Yet me? For me, all I seem to instill in people is betrayal.
Davos: Probably because you’re a rigid, unlikable douche.
Stannis: What was that?
Davos: What? Huh? I didn’t say anything. I think Axell Foley over here said something.
Axell: HEY! It's Florent!
Stannis: Speaking of Ser Axell… I’d like to hear your thoughts on a matter, Ser Davos. Ser Axell says I should resume the war. That I should attack Claw Island, the seat of the House Celtigar. The Celtigars defected to Team Lannister after the battle. Axell says I should attack them because they are weak and have poor defenses. That I should put his castle to the torch and put his people to the sword.
Axell: Yeah, it’s a GREAT idea! An idea worthy of someone who should be the next HAND OF THE KING. WINK! WINK! Don’t you agree, Davos?
Davos: Did you just say, “Wink! Wink!” to me out loud?
Stannis: Answer Ser Axell’s question, Ser Davos. I want to know what you think of this plan.
Davos: Truly, my King?
Stannis: Yes, Davos.
Axell: AND REMEMBER ABOUT THE ACCIDENT THING, DAVOS! REMEMBER THAT!
Davos: I think the idea is fucking stupid. Not only is it stupid, but it is also cowardly. To attack and pillage smallfolk simply because what side their lord supported? Total bitch move!
Axell: HEY NOW! HOW DARE YOU! They committed TREASON by siding against the King!
Davos: Well… yes… it is true that it is every man’s duty to be loyal to their king… even if their lord chooses otherwise. But let me try to think of some example where such a situation like that didn’t occur. Hrm. Maybe using someone in this room. Maybe someone like… you, King Stannis.
Stannis: Say what now?
Axell: TREASON! TREASON!
Davos: Your brother, Robert, started a rebellion against King Aerys II. Was Aerys a good king? Not really. Was he mad? Yes… towards the end he was absolutely batshit insane. Yet it was your duty to be loyal to your king, wasn’t it? Instead you sided with your brother, Robert.
Axell: TREASON! OMFG! EXECUTE HIM! I will get your sword and we can execute Davos on the spot RIGHT NOW!
Stannis pauses for a second, giving a glare at both men.
Stannis: AHAHAHA. Get the fuck out of here with your whack ass plan, Axell. See? This is why I fucking love you, Davos. You’re not an ass kisser or a brown-noser like this piece of shit Axell right here. You’re exactly right. His plan is cowardly and shitty as fuck. You always know how to break down some bullshit and tell me the truth. To speak from your heart.
Axell: But… treason… my King! Treason! He must—
Stannis: --I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, AXELL! I meant that shit LITERALLY. Leave!
Axell grumbles and leaves.
Stannis: The truth is a bitter pill to swallow, Davos. The choice I had to make between my King and my brother was a nearly impossible one. And yet I chose my brother.
Davos: I don’t even know why you’re fighting this hard to be king. Fuck this. It’s not worth all the trouble.
Stannis: It’s not that I WANT to be King. It is my DUTY to be king. I must. I am the rightful heir to Robert, as Cersei’s children are incest bastards. I am king by law and it is my obligation to restore sanity and justice to this crazy world.
Davos: Oh. If you say so.
Stannis: So tell me, Onion Knight. Why the fuck were you going around the island telling every single human being that you planned to kill Melisandre?
Davos: Because I planned to kill Melisandre.
Stannis: Yeah, yeah. I get that. But why?
Davos: She is the reason we’re in all this trouble! She sacrificed my sons to the flames on the Blackwater. She is the reason we lost. That witch!
Stannis: The Red Witch set no flames upon the Blackwater. That was the Imp’s doing. And if you should blame anyone for the loss… it should be me. I sent her away when I needed her the most. If I had brought her with me, we would have won the battle. But I had such hubris. I had such self-confidence that I could win the war without the help of the Lord of Light. Well, it looks like I got knocked back into my place.
Davos: She is evil! She killed Maester Cressen!
Stannis: Dude, Cressen tried to poison her glass and then he drank from that very same glass. Cressen killed Cressen. Just like Bret screwed Bret. MONTREAL SCREWJOB!!!!
Davos: She killed Ser Cortnay Penrose. And Renly!
Stannis: She was with me when Renly died. Surely you can’t blame her for that.
Davos: Dude, she’s MAGICAL.
Stannis: I don’t even know why you’re hating on her. It was actually Melisandre that told me to give you another chance. It was Melisandre that told me that you are part of R’hllor’s plans.
Davos: Say what now? That girl must really be crushing on me. I’ve tried to tell her that I don’t like her in that way. But she just doesn’t seem to get it. She’s some crazy bitch that wants to murder people. Like Edric Storm. I bet she wanted to kidnap Robert’s bastard son so that she could sacrifice him to the flames, huh? He’s just a poor, sick, innocent boy!
Stannis: No harm shall come to the boy. Why does everyone think I want to set that kid on fire? I needed him as evidence to show what one of Robert’s REAL children looks like. Compared to fucking Joffrey. Now get to your knees, asshole.
Davos: Huh?
Stannis: I SAID GET ON YOUR KNEES!
Stannis pulls his sword out.
Davos: Wait… I thought we WEREN’T killing me.
Stannis: I’m not. I’m making you a fucking Lord. You’re the only guy around here who actually gives me any good advice.
Davos: A… a Lord, King Stannis? I’m just a smuggler and an onion knight! Low born! I am not worthy of the title!
Stannis: I am the King and so I will say who is worthy of that. Now rise, LORD Davos Seaworth, Lord of the Rainwood, Admiral of the Narrow Sea, and HAND OF THE KING.
Davos: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA???
Stannis: You heard me. Here. Have this.
Stannis throws him one of those adorable “Hand of the King” necklaces with the interlocking hands.
Stannis: Sorry. We’re in the middle of a war and stranded on an island. I didn’t have time to make a special necklace where all the fingers on the hand are chopped off. HAHAHA. GET IT! Because I did that to you! I chopped off your fucking fingers! HAHAHA.
Davos: Yes. You cut my fingers off, then you made me a knight, then you threw me in a dank prison with no light for months like I’m some kind of Thai child soccer player, then you make me Hand of the King.
Stannis: Correct.
Davos: Your lords will never listen to or obey me.
Stannis: Then I’ll set them on fire and make new lords.
Davos: And you wonder why people don’t like you like they liked your brother?
Melisandre then walks in, with a covered dish.
Davos: OH SHIT. How long have you been sneakily hiding in the shadows and listening to everything going on here?
Mel: A while. Whattup?
Davos: What’s with that covered dish? In addition to being an evil witch are you also now a cook? What you got under there? Some fuckin’ Totinos Pizza Rolls?
Mel: Shut up, Davos. We have a war to worry about. And not this small war between kings. Stannis has a new war to worry about. The great war! The war against the coming winter and he-who-should-not-be-na—
Davos: --Voldemort?
Mel: STAHP!
Stannis: Yes. The battle has begun and the one true king must unite Westeros and fight the coming Winter. And Mel tells me that has to be me. For some reason.
Mel: Because you are a righteous man! Because you are the prince that was promised and the red comet was the herald of your coming!
Davos: So damn tired hearing about that fucking comet. So let’s see your shitty dinner. Open up that plate.
Mel then turns to King Stannis, making a sad face.
Mel: This is not the way! Yes, this will work. But it is not enough. You should give me the boy and I can use him to wake the stone dragon!
Davos: Dafuq you talking about, Mel? Are you on acid?
Stannis: No, Melisandre. I shall not give you the boy. He is an innocent. You promised that king’s blood will work. So let’s get this over with. I don’t need to hear you talk about DRAGONS again.
Mel: UGH. But I want to burn him.
Stannis: I said no, bitch.
Davos: Is everyone taking crazy pills? What are you talking about? What’s in the covered dish? Is it Gwyneth Paltrow’s head?
Mel takes the cover off the dish. Sitting on the plate are three leeches. Mel then walks over and stars to fire up the chamber’s Big Green Egg Grill & Smoker, The Ultimate BBQ Cooker™
Davos: Eww. Are we grilling leeches for dinner?
Mel: No. We leeched Edric Storm’s blood because he’s sick. Now I’m going to sacrifice his blood on this ULTIMATE BBQ COOKER. It’s not as good as sacrificing the boy himself. But I guess it will have to do.
Davos: Right. Sacrificing an innocent boy with king's blood would be a terrible idea. I wouldn’t let you do that. If you were to try to do something like that, I would probably take that boy and help him escape this island on a row boat. And then he would row for years and years and years and not be seen again for, like, four seasons.
Stannis: Yes. That sounds like something that would happen if I wanted to sacrifice a bastard son of my brother, whether his name be “Edric” or “Gendry.” However, that is not the current circumstance, so you don’t really have to worry about anything like that.
Davos: Cool.
Mel hands Stannis a leech. Stannis looks at it.
Stannis: The usurper, Joffrey “Baratheon” Lannister.
Stannis throws the leech on the Big Green Egg.
Big Green Egg: *sizzle*
Leech: … [Translation: AGHHH!!!!]
Davos: Maybe I’m just hungry from getting all that shitty dungeon food, but that actually smells pretty good.
Mel hands Stannis a second leech.
Stannis: The usurper, Balon Greyjoy.
Stannis throws the leech on the grill. Mel hands him a final leech.
Stannis: The usurper…ROBB STARK!!!
He throws the leech on the grill.
Davos: Sooo…
Stannis: …
Mel: …
Davos: So what’s up? Are we eating these or what? I guess it’s probably pretty similar to a blood sausage or something. It’s sort of weird that you’d name the leeches before you cooked them though. Especially that you named them after the three surviving kings left, other than you, in this “War of the Five Kings.”
Mel: No. He’s using blood magic to kill them. Sort of like a voodoo doll and shit.
Davos: Oh wow. Crazy! So those three characters are going to die?
Mel: Yes.
Davos: Like instantly? Or will the magic simply forget about Balon Greyjoy for, like, four seasons… just like a boy rowing in a boat for four seasons?
Mel: No. It should work pretty quickly. Balon Greyjoy won’t be completely forgotten about and live for four more years. In fact, he'll actually die first.
Davos: How quickly?
Mel: Like in the next few of chapters they should all be dead. Definitely before the end of this book.
Davos: Yikes. That’s fast.
Mel: Right. It’s fast because the Big Green Egg is designed to contain the heat by using two draft doors, one at the bottom and another at the top. The bottom draft door slides horizontally creating more or less air flow. This works in conjunction with the top draft door, that swivels left and right, creating more or less updraft, and in turn adjusting the temperature used in the cook. It’s guaranteed to be the most efficient way to effectively burn leeches of King’s Blood to R’hllor and guarantee a quick death to our enemies.
Davos: This conversation is the worst.
Alester: I hate this so much! I wish I was free! This is all just a huge misunderstanding!
Davos: Ugh. I liked it better when I was in solitary confinement.
Suddenly, a bunch of noise can be heard. Someone is coming closer. But who?
Ser Axell Florent: Me!
Alester: Oh, thank goodness! My dear younger brother! You’re here to set me free.
Axell: Nope. I’m here for Davos.
Alester: WHAAAAA?
Davos: Well, I guess it’s time for me to be executed, huh? That’s probably for the best. I’d rather be beheaded than spend more time in here with Alester.
Alester: Dude, I’m not that bad, am I?
Axell: No, we’re not here to execute you, Davos. Although if it were up to me, I would burn you in a sacrifice to the red god for your treason. The King has asked to see you.
Davos: Oh. Sweet.
They open the cell and let Davos out.
As they walk towards the Stone Drum and the Chamber of the Painted Table, Ser Axell begins to whisper to Davos.
Axell: Don’t think that just because Stannis trusts you that I will. I know you mean to commit treason against him! For I have seen it in the flames of R’hllor!
Davos: Dude, you are fucking crazy.
Axell: I have also seen in the flames who Stannis must choose as his NEXT Hand of the King, replacing my treacherous brother. ME! ME! THAT’S WHO!
Davos: Uhh. Okay.
Axell: So if Stannis asks who should be the next hand, you better tell him me… okay? If not… well… Dragonstone is a very dangerous place, ya know! You could have an “accident” and fall off the side of a wall any time.
Davos: Wow, aren’t you just a lovely D-Team supporting character.
In the Chamber of the Painted table, Davos sees his king. But Stannis looks ROUGH. In the last few months since Davos last saw him, Stannis appears to have aged 10 years.
Stannis: Ah, Davos. Do you know what the punishment for treason is?
Davos: Uh, yeah. It’s death, bro.
Stannis: Indeed it is.
Davos: But we’re not talking about me, right? We’re talking about Alester Florent.
Stannis: Correct.
Davos: Give him a break, man. I know he was a super annoying cellmate to me. But he doesn’t deserve to die for it. He didn’t MEAN to commit treason.
Stannis: And yet he did. How fucked up is that? How is it that my shitty brother Robert always had people rally to his side? Even his enemies. They’d be on opposing sides and would fight a battle. And then afterwards they’d go drinking an d become besties. Yet me? For me, all I seem to instill in people is betrayal.
Davos: Probably because you’re a rigid, unlikable douche.
Stannis: What was that?
Davos: What? Huh? I didn’t say anything. I think Axell Foley over here said something.
Axell: HEY! It's Florent!
Stannis: Speaking of Ser Axell… I’d like to hear your thoughts on a matter, Ser Davos. Ser Axell says I should resume the war. That I should attack Claw Island, the seat of the House Celtigar. The Celtigars defected to Team Lannister after the battle. Axell says I should attack them because they are weak and have poor defenses. That I should put his castle to the torch and put his people to the sword.
Axell: Yeah, it’s a GREAT idea! An idea worthy of someone who should be the next HAND OF THE KING. WINK! WINK! Don’t you agree, Davos?
Davos: Did you just say, “Wink! Wink!” to me out loud?
Stannis: Answer Ser Axell’s question, Ser Davos. I want to know what you think of this plan.
Davos: Truly, my King?
Stannis: Yes, Davos.
Axell: AND REMEMBER ABOUT THE ACCIDENT THING, DAVOS! REMEMBER THAT!
Davos: I think the idea is fucking stupid. Not only is it stupid, but it is also cowardly. To attack and pillage smallfolk simply because what side their lord supported? Total bitch move!
Axell: HEY NOW! HOW DARE YOU! They committed TREASON by siding against the King!
Davos: Well… yes… it is true that it is every man’s duty to be loyal to their king… even if their lord chooses otherwise. But let me try to think of some example where such a situation like that didn’t occur. Hrm. Maybe using someone in this room. Maybe someone like… you, King Stannis.
Stannis: Say what now?
Axell: TREASON! TREASON!
Davos: Your brother, Robert, started a rebellion against King Aerys II. Was Aerys a good king? Not really. Was he mad? Yes… towards the end he was absolutely batshit insane. Yet it was your duty to be loyal to your king, wasn’t it? Instead you sided with your brother, Robert.
Axell: TREASON! OMFG! EXECUTE HIM! I will get your sword and we can execute Davos on the spot RIGHT NOW!
Stannis pauses for a second, giving a glare at both men.
Stannis: AHAHAHA. Get the fuck out of here with your whack ass plan, Axell. See? This is why I fucking love you, Davos. You’re not an ass kisser or a brown-noser like this piece of shit Axell right here. You’re exactly right. His plan is cowardly and shitty as fuck. You always know how to break down some bullshit and tell me the truth. To speak from your heart.
Axell: But… treason… my King! Treason! He must—
Stannis: --I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, AXELL! I meant that shit LITERALLY. Leave!
Axell grumbles and leaves.
Stannis: The truth is a bitter pill to swallow, Davos. The choice I had to make between my King and my brother was a nearly impossible one. And yet I chose my brother.
Davos: I don’t even know why you’re fighting this hard to be king. Fuck this. It’s not worth all the trouble.
Stannis: It’s not that I WANT to be King. It is my DUTY to be king. I must. I am the rightful heir to Robert, as Cersei’s children are incest bastards. I am king by law and it is my obligation to restore sanity and justice to this crazy world.
Davos: Oh. If you say so.
Stannis: So tell me, Onion Knight. Why the fuck were you going around the island telling every single human being that you planned to kill Melisandre?
Davos: Because I planned to kill Melisandre.
Stannis: Yeah, yeah. I get that. But why?
Davos: She is the reason we’re in all this trouble! She sacrificed my sons to the flames on the Blackwater. She is the reason we lost. That witch!
Stannis: The Red Witch set no flames upon the Blackwater. That was the Imp’s doing. And if you should blame anyone for the loss… it should be me. I sent her away when I needed her the most. If I had brought her with me, we would have won the battle. But I had such hubris. I had such self-confidence that I could win the war without the help of the Lord of Light. Well, it looks like I got knocked back into my place.
Davos: She is evil! She killed Maester Cressen!
Stannis: Dude, Cressen tried to poison her glass and then he drank from that very same glass. Cressen killed Cressen. Just like Bret screwed Bret. MONTREAL SCREWJOB!!!!
Davos: She killed Ser Cortnay Penrose. And Renly!
Stannis: She was with me when Renly died. Surely you can’t blame her for that.
Davos: Dude, she’s MAGICAL.
Stannis: I don’t even know why you’re hating on her. It was actually Melisandre that told me to give you another chance. It was Melisandre that told me that you are part of R’hllor’s plans.
Davos: Say what now? That girl must really be crushing on me. I’ve tried to tell her that I don’t like her in that way. But she just doesn’t seem to get it. She’s some crazy bitch that wants to murder people. Like Edric Storm. I bet she wanted to kidnap Robert’s bastard son so that she could sacrifice him to the flames, huh? He’s just a poor, sick, innocent boy!
Stannis: No harm shall come to the boy. Why does everyone think I want to set that kid on fire? I needed him as evidence to show what one of Robert’s REAL children looks like. Compared to fucking Joffrey. Now get to your knees, asshole.
Davos: Huh?
Stannis: I SAID GET ON YOUR KNEES!
Stannis pulls his sword out.
Davos: Wait… I thought we WEREN’T killing me.
Stannis: I’m not. I’m making you a fucking Lord. You’re the only guy around here who actually gives me any good advice.
Davos: A… a Lord, King Stannis? I’m just a smuggler and an onion knight! Low born! I am not worthy of the title!
Stannis: I am the King and so I will say who is worthy of that. Now rise, LORD Davos Seaworth, Lord of the Rainwood, Admiral of the Narrow Sea, and HAND OF THE KING.
Davos: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA???
Stannis: You heard me. Here. Have this.
Stannis throws him one of those adorable “Hand of the King” necklaces with the interlocking hands.
Stannis: Sorry. We’re in the middle of a war and stranded on an island. I didn’t have time to make a special necklace where all the fingers on the hand are chopped off. HAHAHA. GET IT! Because I did that to you! I chopped off your fucking fingers! HAHAHA.
Davos: Yes. You cut my fingers off, then you made me a knight, then you threw me in a dank prison with no light for months like I’m some kind of Thai child soccer player, then you make me Hand of the King.
Stannis: Correct.
Davos: Your lords will never listen to or obey me.
Stannis: Then I’ll set them on fire and make new lords.
Davos: And you wonder why people don’t like you like they liked your brother?
Melisandre then walks in, with a covered dish.
Davos: OH SHIT. How long have you been sneakily hiding in the shadows and listening to everything going on here?
Mel: A while. Whattup?
Davos: What’s with that covered dish? In addition to being an evil witch are you also now a cook? What you got under there? Some fuckin’ Totinos Pizza Rolls?
Mel: Shut up, Davos. We have a war to worry about. And not this small war between kings. Stannis has a new war to worry about. The great war! The war against the coming winter and he-who-should-not-be-na—
Davos: --Voldemort?
Mel: STAHP!
Stannis: Yes. The battle has begun and the one true king must unite Westeros and fight the coming Winter. And Mel tells me that has to be me. For some reason.
Mel: Because you are a righteous man! Because you are the prince that was promised and the red comet was the herald of your coming!
Davos: So damn tired hearing about that fucking comet. So let’s see your shitty dinner. Open up that plate.
Mel then turns to King Stannis, making a sad face.
Mel: This is not the way! Yes, this will work. But it is not enough. You should give me the boy and I can use him to wake the stone dragon!
Davos: Dafuq you talking about, Mel? Are you on acid?
Stannis: No, Melisandre. I shall not give you the boy. He is an innocent. You promised that king’s blood will work. So let’s get this over with. I don’t need to hear you talk about DRAGONS again.
Mel: UGH. But I want to burn him.
Stannis: I said no, bitch.
Davos: Is everyone taking crazy pills? What are you talking about? What’s in the covered dish? Is it Gwyneth Paltrow’s head?
Mel takes the cover off the dish. Sitting on the plate are three leeches. Mel then walks over and stars to fire up the chamber’s Big Green Egg Grill & Smoker, The Ultimate BBQ Cooker™
Davos: Eww. Are we grilling leeches for dinner?
Mel: No. We leeched Edric Storm’s blood because he’s sick. Now I’m going to sacrifice his blood on this ULTIMATE BBQ COOKER. It’s not as good as sacrificing the boy himself. But I guess it will have to do.
Davos: Right. Sacrificing an innocent boy with king's blood would be a terrible idea. I wouldn’t let you do that. If you were to try to do something like that, I would probably take that boy and help him escape this island on a row boat. And then he would row for years and years and years and not be seen again for, like, four seasons.
Stannis: Yes. That sounds like something that would happen if I wanted to sacrifice a bastard son of my brother, whether his name be “Edric” or “Gendry.” However, that is not the current circumstance, so you don’t really have to worry about anything like that.
Davos: Cool.
Mel hands Stannis a leech. Stannis looks at it.
Stannis: The usurper, Joffrey “Baratheon” Lannister.
Stannis throws the leech on the Big Green Egg.
Big Green Egg: *sizzle*
Leech: … [Translation: AGHHH!!!!]
Davos: Maybe I’m just hungry from getting all that shitty dungeon food, but that actually smells pretty good.
Mel hands Stannis a second leech.
Stannis: The usurper, Balon Greyjoy.
Stannis throws the leech on the grill. Mel hands him a final leech.
Stannis: The usurper…ROBB STARK!!!
He throws the leech on the grill.
Davos: Sooo…
Stannis: …
Mel: …
Davos: So what’s up? Are we eating these or what? I guess it’s probably pretty similar to a blood sausage or something. It’s sort of weird that you’d name the leeches before you cooked them though. Especially that you named them after the three surviving kings left, other than you, in this “War of the Five Kings.”
Mel: No. He’s using blood magic to kill them. Sort of like a voodoo doll and shit.
Davos: Oh wow. Crazy! So those three characters are going to die?
Mel: Yes.
Davos: Like instantly? Or will the magic simply forget about Balon Greyjoy for, like, four seasons… just like a boy rowing in a boat for four seasons?
Mel: No. It should work pretty quickly. Balon Greyjoy won’t be completely forgotten about and live for four more years. In fact, he'll actually die first.
Davos: How quickly?
Mel: Like in the next few of chapters they should all be dead. Definitely before the end of this book.
Davos: Yikes. That’s fast.
Mel: Right. It’s fast because the Big Green Egg is designed to contain the heat by using two draft doors, one at the bottom and another at the top. The bottom draft door slides horizontally creating more or less air flow. This works in conjunction with the top draft door, that swivels left and right, creating more or less updraft, and in turn adjusting the temperature used in the cook. It’s guaranteed to be the most efficient way to effectively burn leeches of King’s Blood to R’hllor and guarantee a quick death to our enemies.
Davos: This conversation is the worst.
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