Lord Hoster is finally dead.
Cat: Jesus, that took forever. He died a lot faster in the TV show. All they did was cast a guy to play a dead body. That was it.
Edmure: Well, time for his funeral, I guess.
They go outside for his funeral. In the Riverlands, it's a tradition to send the Lord's body out on the river on a boat to sail away. But you're also supposed to shoot a flaming arrow from the boat as it sails away so that it sets afire in the distance. This is an AWESOME tradition, by the way.
Edmure: Ugh. Look, the Freys sent some people here to "pay their respects" to our dad. But it's meant as an insult... a cripple and a bastard!
"Lame" Lothar Frey: HEY! We're standing right here!
Walder Rivers: Yeah!
Robb: Now, now, Edmure. These are our guests and they should be given courtesies as guests.
Lothar: Indeed. If you were a guest of the Freys, we'd treat you with courtesy.
Robb: True. That is a very factual statement.
Edmure: Why are we talking about guest rights and treatment so much? We were just talking about it in that chapter with the Night's Watch as guests of Craster. It seems like we're talking about it all the time now.
Robb: Odd. Anyway, Lothar... I'd like to give you a place as one of Lord Hoster's pallbearers.
Lothar: Thank you, King Robb. Although it's sort of messed up that you're making a cripple a pallbearer for your dead grandfather.
And so the funeral procession occurs, and Hoster is sent out to the river. Now it's the job of his heir, Edmure, to shoot a flaming arrow to send his father to heaven or the bottom of the river or whatever the fuck is supposed to happen.
Edmure shoots once. He missed. Then he shoots again. And misses.
Edmure: FUCK!
Cat: Now, now. You're allowed to be nervous. Everybody misses their first shot.
Lothar: Yeah, but he missed two.
Edmure: SHUT UP! I CAN MAKE IT!
Edmure shoots again.
And misses.
Edmure: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCK!
He pulls back to shoot again, but now Hoster's body is on the horizon. Almost completely out of sight and fading into the fog. There is no way he can make it.
Blackfish: Ugh. Let a fucking pro handle this. I'm so tired of amateur hour.
The Blackfish steps up and takes one shot, even though the boat that Hoster is on has now vanished. The arror vanishes into the horizon as well. But then a giant burst of flame... the flames from the ship... go up.
Everyone: YAY!
Edmure: Damnit.
Blackfish: And that was me barely even trying.
Edmure storms off. Cat knows not to try to comfort him because he's a moody little bitch. She already had to lie to him when be broke down crying the other day. He asked if dad had said anything about him. Cat told him yes. But really all he was saying was "tansy, tansy, tansy."
Cat and the Blackfish instead go to visit with King Robb and Queen Jeyne. The latter two both offer their condolences.
Robb: I wish I had known grandfather better, mom.
Cat: Yeah, well. That's all the past now. I'm more worried about the future. Like getting my daughters back. Why haven't I heard anything back from Brienne and Cleos Frey about Jaime being safely delivered to Kings Landing?
Blackfish: I mean... uhhh... because the odds of them safely reaching Kings Landing are pretty fucking low. There is a war, after all.
Lothar Frey then walks up.
Lothar: Oh hey. I just wanted to know if I could have an audience with you this evening? You know. Smooth over that big misunderstanding about the wedding thing.
Robb: Oh, of course. Of course. This is all just a big misunderstanding. I'm sure we'll clear it all up in an amicable way!
Lothar leaves, and then Robb talks privately with his mom.
Cat: Oh WOW. You actually want to talk to me in private? It's like you've been avoiding me lately. What with you having your new wife and everything.
Robb: Yeah mom, she makes me happy. Everything else makes me miserable. Being King sucks. I've won every single battle I've been in. And yet it seems like I'm losing the war. Lord Tarly just won a victory at Duskendale, and now Robett Glover is a prisoner. I'm going to try to offer Martyn Lannister to Tarly in a trade for Glover. And speaking of trades... I should have listened to you and traded Jaime for Sansa. Then I could have offered a marriage alliance between Sansa and the Tyrells and maybe they would have been on our side instead of the Lannister side. Damnit.
Cat: You're doing good, son. Don't feel bad. Your father would be very proud of you. Odd that you're talking about marrying Sansa off to someone though.
Robb: Oh... do you want to know why Sansa getting married is on my mind? Here... look at this!
He hands his mom a parchment from King's Landing, notifying them that Sansa has been wed to Tyrion Lannister.
Cat: WHAT?! Is this some sort of prank?!
Robb: Nope.
Cat: THE IMP?! THE IMP?! The Imp swore to return Sansa to me if Jaime was sent back! I should have let Lysa kill him when she had the chance. Why did I ever speak up for him?
Robb: Yeah, well oathbreaking obviously runs in Lannister blood. I would never break an oath I made like that.
Cat: You mean like your oath to marry that Frey girl?
Robb: SHHHH!!! Look, what I'm trying to say is that we need to free Sansa and kill Tyrion so that she's no longer married to him. You know this is just some way the Lannisters are trying to get control of Winterfell, right?
Cat: Of course. If something were to happen to you... Sansa would be heir. Which would make their child the heir afterwards. I've already lost my husband, Bran and Rickon. I'd go mad if I lost you too!
Robb: Whoa, whoa, whoa, mom. Why all this talk of me dying? I'm perfectly fine and healthy.
Cat: Still. You have to fight a war. It's very dangerous. Perhaps you should just CONSIDER bending the knee to the Lannisters.
Robb: No.
Cat: There is no shame in doing that! Torrhen Stark bent the knee to save his people. So can you. We need peace.
Robb: Is peace why you freed Jaime?
Cat: No. I freed him to get my daughters back. But peace would have been a bonus.
Robb: The Lannisters killed my dad. No way will I make peace with them. Fuck that.
Cat: Please! Reconsider! As long as you're at war, there will be plots against you. Plots against your wife!
Robb: Nah.
Later that night, it's dinner. Lothar Frey is acting very un-Frey-like, and is being a perfect and polite guest.
Lothar: My father Walder sends his regards.
Cat: *whispering under her breath* No he doesn't.
Lothar: He is obviously not happy that the betrothal between Robb and the Freys was broken... but he remembers what it is like to be love and striken by beauty... and to instantly fall in love!
Cat: *whispering* No fucking way that old pile of shit actually said that.
Robb: I've got to say, this Lothar Frey seems like a great guy. All the other Freys seem like rude, sniveling douchebags. But this guy is so polite and kind! Definitely not the type of guy who would be one of the chief engineers of the most bloody and gruesome massacre imaginable!
Lothar: Oh, and also Lord Frey wanted to pass you word that he has just received from Walder and Walder, the Freys who WERE being fostered at Winterfell.
Robb: Were? What do you mean "were?"
Lothar: Ah. Well. Winterfell burned down.
Robb: WHAT?!
Lothar: Yes. Walder and Walder report that Winterfell was burned to the ground and pretty much everyone inside of it was murdered. They are now living at the Dreadfort, where Roose Bolton's bastard son Ramsay is taking care of them.
Cat: What? EVERYONE is dead?
Lothar: Yep. Or almost everyone.
Cat: Ser Rodrik?
Lothar: Oh yeah. Ser Rodrick is dead as fuck.
Cat: Septon Chayle?
Lothar: Dead. Although they say his ghost haunts the ruins, asking people if they've returned library books and threatening to come back as a typo in Chapter 49 of A Dance with Dragons.
Robb: I... I can't believe this! This is crazy! Surely the story can't be true. For one, I know that Roose Bolton's bastard son Ramsay is dead.
Lothar: Hey look man, I'm just the messenger. This is what the message says. It says Roose Bolton's bastard son, Ramsay.
Robb: I'm so confused. HEY! Does it say anything about what happened to Theon Greyjoy?
Lothar: Nope.
Edmure: Well Lothar, that's terrible news and all. But I want to get back to the point of making things right between the Freys with the Starks and Tullys. Did your father receive the offer I sent him?
Lothar: Ah yes, yes. Your offer to bring us back to peace. My father has said he will renew his dealty to the King in the North on two conditions. FIRST... the King come to him to apologize in person, face to face.
Robb: Well that sounds sensible. I will be a guest in house after all, and thus subject to guest's rights and totally safe.
Cat: True. That is how that works.
Lothar: And the second condition is that you, Edmure Tully, must marry Walder's fifth daughter, Roslin.
Edmure: WHAT? When there was the proposed marriage alliance with Robb... Robb was given the chance to choose which girl he wanted.
Lothar: Well, Robb Stark is the Fucking King in the North. You're just the Lord of Riverrun.
Edmure: Can I at least meet her before I get married? See her face?
Lothar: You'll see her face at the wedding.
Edmure: FUUUUUUCCCCCK! This just isn't my chapter, is it?
Robb: Look Uncle, you pretty much HAVE to do this. It's the only way to make things right with the Freys again.
Blackfish: And it will also serve as an amends for how you fucked everything up at the Battle of the Fords.
Edmure: How long are you going to hold that over my damn head, dude? FINE. WHATEVER. I'll marry the damn girl!
Lothar: Oh, and Roslin's favorite color is red. So the theme is going to be a red wedding. *wink*wink*
Robb: I don't get it.
Cat: Jesus, that took forever. He died a lot faster in the TV show. All they did was cast a guy to play a dead body. That was it.
Edmure: Well, time for his funeral, I guess.
They go outside for his funeral. In the Riverlands, it's a tradition to send the Lord's body out on the river on a boat to sail away. But you're also supposed to shoot a flaming arrow from the boat as it sails away so that it sets afire in the distance. This is an AWESOME tradition, by the way.
Edmure: Ugh. Look, the Freys sent some people here to "pay their respects" to our dad. But it's meant as an insult... a cripple and a bastard!
"Lame" Lothar Frey: HEY! We're standing right here!
Walder Rivers: Yeah!
Robb: Now, now, Edmure. These are our guests and they should be given courtesies as guests.
Lothar: Indeed. If you were a guest of the Freys, we'd treat you with courtesy.
Robb: True. That is a very factual statement.
Edmure: Why are we talking about guest rights and treatment so much? We were just talking about it in that chapter with the Night's Watch as guests of Craster. It seems like we're talking about it all the time now.
Robb: Odd. Anyway, Lothar... I'd like to give you a place as one of Lord Hoster's pallbearers.
Lothar: Thank you, King Robb. Although it's sort of messed up that you're making a cripple a pallbearer for your dead grandfather.
And so the funeral procession occurs, and Hoster is sent out to the river. Now it's the job of his heir, Edmure, to shoot a flaming arrow to send his father to heaven or the bottom of the river or whatever the fuck is supposed to happen.
Edmure shoots once. He missed. Then he shoots again. And misses.
Edmure: FUCK!
Cat: Now, now. You're allowed to be nervous. Everybody misses their first shot.
Lothar: Yeah, but he missed two.
Edmure: SHUT UP! I CAN MAKE IT!
Edmure shoots again.
And misses.
Edmure: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCK!
He pulls back to shoot again, but now Hoster's body is on the horizon. Almost completely out of sight and fading into the fog. There is no way he can make it.
Blackfish: Ugh. Let a fucking pro handle this. I'm so tired of amateur hour.
The Blackfish steps up and takes one shot, even though the boat that Hoster is on has now vanished. The arror vanishes into the horizon as well. But then a giant burst of flame... the flames from the ship... go up.
Everyone: YAY!
Edmure: Damnit.
Blackfish: And that was me barely even trying.
Edmure storms off. Cat knows not to try to comfort him because he's a moody little bitch. She already had to lie to him when be broke down crying the other day. He asked if dad had said anything about him. Cat told him yes. But really all he was saying was "tansy, tansy, tansy."
Cat and the Blackfish instead go to visit with King Robb and Queen Jeyne. The latter two both offer their condolences.
Robb: I wish I had known grandfather better, mom.
Cat: Yeah, well. That's all the past now. I'm more worried about the future. Like getting my daughters back. Why haven't I heard anything back from Brienne and Cleos Frey about Jaime being safely delivered to Kings Landing?
Blackfish: I mean... uhhh... because the odds of them safely reaching Kings Landing are pretty fucking low. There is a war, after all.
Lothar Frey then walks up.
Lothar: Oh hey. I just wanted to know if I could have an audience with you this evening? You know. Smooth over that big misunderstanding about the wedding thing.
Robb: Oh, of course. Of course. This is all just a big misunderstanding. I'm sure we'll clear it all up in an amicable way!
Lothar leaves, and then Robb talks privately with his mom.
Cat: Oh WOW. You actually want to talk to me in private? It's like you've been avoiding me lately. What with you having your new wife and everything.
Robb: Yeah mom, she makes me happy. Everything else makes me miserable. Being King sucks. I've won every single battle I've been in. And yet it seems like I'm losing the war. Lord Tarly just won a victory at Duskendale, and now Robett Glover is a prisoner. I'm going to try to offer Martyn Lannister to Tarly in a trade for Glover. And speaking of trades... I should have listened to you and traded Jaime for Sansa. Then I could have offered a marriage alliance between Sansa and the Tyrells and maybe they would have been on our side instead of the Lannister side. Damnit.
Cat: You're doing good, son. Don't feel bad. Your father would be very proud of you. Odd that you're talking about marrying Sansa off to someone though.
Robb: Oh... do you want to know why Sansa getting married is on my mind? Here... look at this!
He hands his mom a parchment from King's Landing, notifying them that Sansa has been wed to Tyrion Lannister.
Cat: WHAT?! Is this some sort of prank?!
Robb: Nope.
Cat: THE IMP?! THE IMP?! The Imp swore to return Sansa to me if Jaime was sent back! I should have let Lysa kill him when she had the chance. Why did I ever speak up for him?
Robb: Yeah, well oathbreaking obviously runs in Lannister blood. I would never break an oath I made like that.
Cat: You mean like your oath to marry that Frey girl?
Robb: SHHHH!!! Look, what I'm trying to say is that we need to free Sansa and kill Tyrion so that she's no longer married to him. You know this is just some way the Lannisters are trying to get control of Winterfell, right?
Cat: Of course. If something were to happen to you... Sansa would be heir. Which would make their child the heir afterwards. I've already lost my husband, Bran and Rickon. I'd go mad if I lost you too!
Robb: Whoa, whoa, whoa, mom. Why all this talk of me dying? I'm perfectly fine and healthy.
Cat: Still. You have to fight a war. It's very dangerous. Perhaps you should just CONSIDER bending the knee to the Lannisters.
Robb: No.
Cat: There is no shame in doing that! Torrhen Stark bent the knee to save his people. So can you. We need peace.
Robb: Is peace why you freed Jaime?
Cat: No. I freed him to get my daughters back. But peace would have been a bonus.
Robb: The Lannisters killed my dad. No way will I make peace with them. Fuck that.
Cat: Please! Reconsider! As long as you're at war, there will be plots against you. Plots against your wife!
Robb: Nah.
Later that night, it's dinner. Lothar Frey is acting very un-Frey-like, and is being a perfect and polite guest.
Lothar: My father Walder sends his regards.
Cat: *whispering under her breath* No he doesn't.
Lothar: He is obviously not happy that the betrothal between Robb and the Freys was broken... but he remembers what it is like to be love and striken by beauty... and to instantly fall in love!
Cat: *whispering* No fucking way that old pile of shit actually said that.
Robb: I've got to say, this Lothar Frey seems like a great guy. All the other Freys seem like rude, sniveling douchebags. But this guy is so polite and kind! Definitely not the type of guy who would be one of the chief engineers of the most bloody and gruesome massacre imaginable!
Lothar: Oh, and also Lord Frey wanted to pass you word that he has just received from Walder and Walder, the Freys who WERE being fostered at Winterfell.
Robb: Were? What do you mean "were?"
Lothar: Ah. Well. Winterfell burned down.
Robb: WHAT?!
Lothar: Yes. Walder and Walder report that Winterfell was burned to the ground and pretty much everyone inside of it was murdered. They are now living at the Dreadfort, where Roose Bolton's bastard son Ramsay is taking care of them.
Cat: What? EVERYONE is dead?
Lothar: Yep. Or almost everyone.
Cat: Ser Rodrik?
Lothar: Oh yeah. Ser Rodrick is dead as fuck.
Cat: Septon Chayle?
Lothar: Dead. Although they say his ghost haunts the ruins, asking people if they've returned library books and threatening to come back as a typo in Chapter 49 of A Dance with Dragons.
Robb: I... I can't believe this! This is crazy! Surely the story can't be true. For one, I know that Roose Bolton's bastard son Ramsay is dead.
Lothar: Hey look man, I'm just the messenger. This is what the message says. It says Roose Bolton's bastard son, Ramsay.
Robb: I'm so confused. HEY! Does it say anything about what happened to Theon Greyjoy?
Lothar: Nope.
Edmure: Well Lothar, that's terrible news and all. But I want to get back to the point of making things right between the Freys with the Starks and Tullys. Did your father receive the offer I sent him?
Lothar: Ah yes, yes. Your offer to bring us back to peace. My father has said he will renew his dealty to the King in the North on two conditions. FIRST... the King come to him to apologize in person, face to face.
Robb: Well that sounds sensible. I will be a guest in house after all, and thus subject to guest's rights and totally safe.
Cat: True. That is how that works.
Lothar: And the second condition is that you, Edmure Tully, must marry Walder's fifth daughter, Roslin.
Edmure: WHAT? When there was the proposed marriage alliance with Robb... Robb was given the chance to choose which girl he wanted.
Lothar: Well, Robb Stark is the Fucking King in the North. You're just the Lord of Riverrun.
Edmure: Can I at least meet her before I get married? See her face?
Lothar: You'll see her face at the wedding.
Edmure: FUUUUUUCCCCCK! This just isn't my chapter, is it?
Robb: Look Uncle, you pretty much HAVE to do this. It's the only way to make things right with the Freys again.
Blackfish: And it will also serve as an amends for how you fucked everything up at the Battle of the Fords.
Edmure: How long are you going to hold that over my damn head, dude? FINE. WHATEVER. I'll marry the damn girl!
Lothar: Oh, and Roslin's favorite color is red. So the theme is going to be a red wedding. *wink*wink*
Robb: I don't get it.
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