Tyrion and Bronn ride their horses down to the remains of what was once the King’s Landing harbor. Needless to say, it’s not in such great shape following the battle against Stannis.
Bronn: Wait… why are we here?
Tyrion: I’m supposed to look at all the damage and begin plans to rebuild.
Bronn: Why are you the Kings Landing city planner? Why is that your job? I thought that your father appointed you as the new Master of Coin. Why does the treasurer of the kingdom suddenly become city planner?
Tyrion: Ah, well apparently it was something that my uncle Kevan was supposed to be doing. But he just had a complete mental breakdown after learning that one of his sons was just brutally murdered by some guy named “Karstark.” We got a raven from Riverrun where the King in the North, Robb Stark, admitted that one of his men killed Kevan’s son, a child hostage, in an act of petty revenge because Jaime Lannister killed one of his sons in battle. Robb Stark said that this was a dishonorable and treasonous thing, so apparently he executed this Karstark guy.
Bronn: That is a much longer answer than I expected, which included facts that I do not care about.
Tyrion: But anyway, since I am treasurer… I am going to complain about how expensive it will be to do all of this rebuilding. I mean look at it! Look how destroyed this place is!
Bronn: Wait… didn’t our side destroy most of this anyway? It wasn’t even Stannis. We tore this all down in advance of Stannis coming.
Tyrion: True. *grumble*grumble*
Bronn: Man, you seem like you’re in a bad mood. I guess your wife isn’t giving you any, huh?
Tyrion: Oh yeah, thanks asshole. Thanks for mentioning my marriage to Sansa Stark and the rumors that are spreading around everywhere that my wife refuses to sleep with me. I’m glad that the entire city of Kings Landing is making a big joke out of that and laughing at me.
Bronn: Well, anyway. Remember that guy you sent me to look for?
Tyrion: Yes.
Bronn: I found him.
Tyrion: Cool. Where is he?
Bronn: Right now? At a wine bar.
Tyrion: They have wine bars here? Sweet. Let’s go.
And so they go to a wine bar. And there they find…
Symon Silver Tongue: It’s me! Simon Silver Tongue!
Tyrion: Yes. We know. I came here specifically to see you.
Symon: Ah. Want to hear this cool song I wrote? *ahem* Here it goes… ♪♩ “Oh, I know this guy named Tyrion Lannister and he’s having a secret affair with a prostitute named Shae that is disguised as a handmaid for the Stokeworth family despite the fact that his father Tywin explicitly told him not to bring a prostitute into the city with him!” ♪♩
Tyrion: That’s a song?
Symon: Yes.
Tyrion: It doesn’t even rhyme.
Symon: Yes. Well. It’s not really a song. What I’m doing is blackmailing you.
Tyrion: Oh, I get it. And what do I have to pay you in order for you to not sing it again?
Symon: Well, I’d like to be one of the singers at King Joffrey’s wedding, for one.
Tyrion: They already have seven singers planned for the wedding. Seven is sort of a holy number. It would be strange if there were eight singers.
Symon: You can find a way to make it happen, I’m sure. But after that I will continue to find other things to ask of you. Because that’s how blackmail works. I continue to have information about you which you would like to prevent from being common knowledge. So you keep paying me off to keep it a secret. But after you pay me off, I still know it and you still continue to have value in me keeping it a secret. Which means I can continue to demand more and more from you. It can go on forever. It’s a great scheme! You’ve already paid me some amount to keep the secret, and so it’s always worth you paying just a little bit more to continue to keep it a secret after.
Tyrion: No. That’s the fallacy of sunken costs AKA escalation of commitments. This is exactly how the US fucked up so bad in Vietnam. I don’t agree with that. Especially when I have an alternative option to paying your blackmail money.
Symon: Alternative option? What’s that?
Bronn steps forward.
Bronn: Hi. My name is Bronn. I am a sellsword.
Symon: Yes, I know who you are.
Bronn: My job is literally that Tyrion pays me to kill people for him.
Symon: I don’t see what that has to do with this current situ…. Oh. Oh, I see.
Bronn: Come with me. I have something really cool that I want to show you that’s sitting at the bottom of a shallow grave in the desert.
Bronn leaves with Symon. Symon will never appear in A Jingle of Ice and Fire again, if you catch my drift.
Tyrion then goes back to the Red Keep, but along he way he’s summoned to Lord Tywin. There he finds the new Hand of the King inspecting two beautiful new Valyrian Steel swords.
Tyrion: Whattup, dad? OH SNAP! Are those Valyrian Steel? The House Lannister hasn’t had a Valyrian steel sword in hundreds of years! Not since the Doom of Valyria. Way back in the day when the seven kingdoms were actually seven kingdoms… our Lannister king, King of the Rock Tommen II Lannister, has a sword called “Brightroar.” King Tommen II carried it with him when he sailed his great fleet to Valyria. But he, his fleet, and the sword never returned. It’s a great mystery whatever happened to him or the sword. We’ve even sent people to Valyria to look for it, but never found it. Since that time, the Lannisters have always wanted to get another ancestral Valyrian steel sword for the family. But we couldn’t make one since Valyrian steel is so rare and impossible to find. The only option was to try to use all of our gold to buy a sword from one of the lesser houses. But the swords are so rare that the lesser houses refuse to sell them as well!
Tywin: Yeah, thanks for that massive backstory data dump, son. Got anything else about the history of the Lannisters that you want to share right now?
Tyrion: Not really. So where did you get the metal to make the sword from?
Tywin: This dude.
He points at Tobho Mott.
Tyrion: Oh wow! Tobho Mott! The guy from book 1 that was Gendry’s boss?
Tobho Mott: YES! And FOR ONCE I had a Hand of the King who actually came to my blacksmith shop in order to BUY A FUCKING SWORD and allow me to make a profit. Here I am. Tobho Mott. A brilliant sword master. Maybe the greatest sword master in the world. I learned how to work steel in Qohor. I am one of the few blacksmiths in the world that knows how to work Valyrian steel. So the Hand of the King, Jon Arryn comes to me. What does he want? To give me patronage? To help me turn a profit? No. He wants to know about Gendry. Then the next Hand of the King, Ned Stark, comes to me. What does he want? To give me patronage? To help me turn a profit? No. He wants to know about Gendry? Although I guess I did get patronage from him in the end.
Tyrion: How so?
Tobho Mott: Well, the sword I melted down for metal was “Ice,” the Stark family sword. That big ass sword was big enough to make two normal swords.
Tywin: Yes. One for my son, and one for my grandson, the King.
Tyrion: One for your son? Awww… thanks dad, you shouldn’t have!
Tywin: Bitch, you KNOW I’m talking about Jaime.
Tyrion: Yes. I do. It’s kind of fucked up that you say “my son” like you only have one though. You couldn’t even spare a little metal to make a dagger for me?
Tywin: There was enough metal for two swords. No more. I figured that one sword should go to my son that is, you know, a FUCKING KNIGHT that knows how to use a sword. And the other should go to the King because… well… he’s the King. Ain’t nobody got time for an imp dagger. If you want a dagger so bad, go take one from King Robert’s war chest. He was always getting ceremonial daggers from people.
Tyrion: I don’t really want a dagger. If I have a dagger, Cat Stark will probably just blame me for some crazy murder attempt. Again. Anyway, the steel is super pretty. Good work, Tobho. It is sort of fucked up that you melted down Ned Stark’s sword though.
Tobho Mott: I suppose. I tried to get the sword to come out as a Lannister color. But this Valryian Steel is unpredictable. It has a mind of its own.
Twyin: Indeed, Tobho. These will do quite nicely. ANYWAY… Tyrion… I summoned you here for a reason, Master of Coin. And it’s not to talk about how awesome Tobho Mott is.
Tobho Mott: Although if you DO want to talk about how awesome I am, you can keep going.
Tywin: GET OUT OF HERE!
Tobho Mott leaves.
Tyrion: Well father… if this is about the cost of rebuilding the harbor… I can tell you that it’s going to be A LOT. I was just inspecting it. There is nothing there. It’s ruins. Especially with the extravagant cost of this wedding for Joffrey. Do we really need that many courses of dinner and that many entertainers? I say cut back on this insanely expensive wedding and save a few bucks!
Tywin: What? No! We need an extravagant wedding. If we have a cheap wedding, the Tyrells will think us niggardly.
Tyrion: HOLY SHIT, dad. Do not use that word.
Tywin: What? You mean n-
Tyrion: --NO! Don’t say it again! Geez. Do you actually say that word in the books?
Tywin: Yes.
Tyrion: WELL DON’T!
Tywin: I don’t see what the problem is. The word has nothing to do with the racial slur. It’s simply an adjective meaning “stingy,” and it’s based on the middle English word “nigon,” which is itself is based on the Old Norse verb “nigla,” which means "to fuss about small matters." It has nothing to do with the Latin masculine adjective “niger,” meaning black or dark, from which the slur is derived.
Tyrion: Can you just say “cheap” in the future though?
Tywin: Can you just do your fucking job as Master of Coin and find a way to fund the new harbor? Littlefinger never complained about it like a little bitch. But you are. If you can’t do it then I’ll find a new Master of Coin who can.
Tyrion: Ugh. Okay… dad.
Tywin: And hurry up and put a baby in Sansa already.
Tyrion: It’s none of your business how I conduct my marriage!
Tywin: The hell it isn’t. We need a Lannister heir to Winterfell and we need it PRONTO. A marriage which hasn’t been consummated can be annulled.
Tyrion: Haha, speaking of fucked up, failed marriages… how about that awesome word we just got back from the Tyrells? You sent a message offering Cersei to marry Willas Tyrell in order to further bond the pact between the Lannisters and Tyrells. They responded with a letter back saying that Cersei was too old and used up. HAHAHA. THAT IS THE BEST.
Tywin: If you want to remain alive, I suggest that you never relay this story back to your sister. I know it’s tempting to gloat about it. But she will literally tear you apart with her hands.
Just then, Pycelle enters the room.
Pycelle: Oh, look who it is. The shitty-ass dwarf who threw me in jail. Well now I have my job back and you lost yours.
Tyrion: Shut up, Count Scarlioni. What are you doing here?
Pycelle: There is a message from Castle Black. It says that the Wildlings are moving south in vast numbers. Lord Commander Mormont is possibly dead. They request men be send to the Wall to help defend the kingdom. They apparently sent the letter to “all five Kings.”
Tywin: Hahaha… hilarious. Obviously news takes a while to get up there to the Wall. Also… No. Maybe I’ll think about it if they pick a side and are loyal to the one, true King… Joffrey!
Tyrion: Father, you know that the Watch is neutral about such things. Also, this letter sucks. I had dinner and drinks with Lord Commander Mormont. He seemed like a cool dude.
Tywin: I guess they’ll need a new Lord Commander then. If only we knew of someone with unquestionable loyalty to the Lannisters.
Pycelle: Ah, you mean someone like Janos Slynt?
Tyrion: JANOS FUCKING SLYNT? I sent him to the Wall because he’s a duplicitous traitor! He’d sell out anyone to the highest bidder! He and his Gold Cloaks LITERALLY went around murdering babies. You’re going to call him unquestionably loyal?
Tywin: As you said, he will sell out anyone to the highest bidder. The Lannisters are the richest family in the Seven Kingdoms. Therefore it is unlikely that anyone will bid higher than us. Let us send a letter back to Castle Black that subtly hints about the fact that they will only get our support if they elect Slynt as the next Lord Commander. Let’s not be direct about it. Let’s be kind of sly and cryptic. Make sure they get the picture though.
Tyrion: Ugh. I should have had Slynt and Pycelle killed when I had the chance. I didn’t know any better back then. Now I do, which is why I’ve had Symon Silver Tongue murdered. You always told me that I needed to learn my lessons, dad. Well see that? See how fast I have finally learned my lesson? Kill people who stand in my way! And I’m doing it now.
Pycelle: Dude, I’m standing right here.
Bronn: Wait… why are we here?
Tyrion: I’m supposed to look at all the damage and begin plans to rebuild.
Bronn: Why are you the Kings Landing city planner? Why is that your job? I thought that your father appointed you as the new Master of Coin. Why does the treasurer of the kingdom suddenly become city planner?
Tyrion: Ah, well apparently it was something that my uncle Kevan was supposed to be doing. But he just had a complete mental breakdown after learning that one of his sons was just brutally murdered by some guy named “Karstark.” We got a raven from Riverrun where the King in the North, Robb Stark, admitted that one of his men killed Kevan’s son, a child hostage, in an act of petty revenge because Jaime Lannister killed one of his sons in battle. Robb Stark said that this was a dishonorable and treasonous thing, so apparently he executed this Karstark guy.
Bronn: That is a much longer answer than I expected, which included facts that I do not care about.
Tyrion: But anyway, since I am treasurer… I am going to complain about how expensive it will be to do all of this rebuilding. I mean look at it! Look how destroyed this place is!
Bronn: Wait… didn’t our side destroy most of this anyway? It wasn’t even Stannis. We tore this all down in advance of Stannis coming.
Tyrion: True. *grumble*grumble*
Bronn: Man, you seem like you’re in a bad mood. I guess your wife isn’t giving you any, huh?
Tyrion: Oh yeah, thanks asshole. Thanks for mentioning my marriage to Sansa Stark and the rumors that are spreading around everywhere that my wife refuses to sleep with me. I’m glad that the entire city of Kings Landing is making a big joke out of that and laughing at me.
Bronn: Well, anyway. Remember that guy you sent me to look for?
Tyrion: Yes.
Bronn: I found him.
Tyrion: Cool. Where is he?
Bronn: Right now? At a wine bar.
Tyrion: They have wine bars here? Sweet. Let’s go.
And so they go to a wine bar. And there they find…
Symon Silver Tongue: It’s me! Simon Silver Tongue!
Tyrion: Yes. We know. I came here specifically to see you.
Symon: Ah. Want to hear this cool song I wrote? *ahem* Here it goes… ♪♩ “Oh, I know this guy named Tyrion Lannister and he’s having a secret affair with a prostitute named Shae that is disguised as a handmaid for the Stokeworth family despite the fact that his father Tywin explicitly told him not to bring a prostitute into the city with him!” ♪♩
Tyrion: That’s a song?
Symon: Yes.
Tyrion: It doesn’t even rhyme.
Symon: Yes. Well. It’s not really a song. What I’m doing is blackmailing you.
Tyrion: Oh, I get it. And what do I have to pay you in order for you to not sing it again?
Symon: Well, I’d like to be one of the singers at King Joffrey’s wedding, for one.
Tyrion: They already have seven singers planned for the wedding. Seven is sort of a holy number. It would be strange if there were eight singers.
Symon: You can find a way to make it happen, I’m sure. But after that I will continue to find other things to ask of you. Because that’s how blackmail works. I continue to have information about you which you would like to prevent from being common knowledge. So you keep paying me off to keep it a secret. But after you pay me off, I still know it and you still continue to have value in me keeping it a secret. Which means I can continue to demand more and more from you. It can go on forever. It’s a great scheme! You’ve already paid me some amount to keep the secret, and so it’s always worth you paying just a little bit more to continue to keep it a secret after.
Tyrion: No. That’s the fallacy of sunken costs AKA escalation of commitments. This is exactly how the US fucked up so bad in Vietnam. I don’t agree with that. Especially when I have an alternative option to paying your blackmail money.
Symon: Alternative option? What’s that?
Bronn steps forward.
Bronn: Hi. My name is Bronn. I am a sellsword.
Symon: Yes, I know who you are.
Bronn: My job is literally that Tyrion pays me to kill people for him.
Symon: I don’t see what that has to do with this current situ…. Oh. Oh, I see.
Bronn: Come with me. I have something really cool that I want to show you that’s sitting at the bottom of a shallow grave in the desert.
Bronn leaves with Symon. Symon will never appear in A Jingle of Ice and Fire again, if you catch my drift.
Tyrion then goes back to the Red Keep, but along he way he’s summoned to Lord Tywin. There he finds the new Hand of the King inspecting two beautiful new Valyrian Steel swords.
Tyrion: Whattup, dad? OH SNAP! Are those Valyrian Steel? The House Lannister hasn’t had a Valyrian steel sword in hundreds of years! Not since the Doom of Valyria. Way back in the day when the seven kingdoms were actually seven kingdoms… our Lannister king, King of the Rock Tommen II Lannister, has a sword called “Brightroar.” King Tommen II carried it with him when he sailed his great fleet to Valyria. But he, his fleet, and the sword never returned. It’s a great mystery whatever happened to him or the sword. We’ve even sent people to Valyria to look for it, but never found it. Since that time, the Lannisters have always wanted to get another ancestral Valyrian steel sword for the family. But we couldn’t make one since Valyrian steel is so rare and impossible to find. The only option was to try to use all of our gold to buy a sword from one of the lesser houses. But the swords are so rare that the lesser houses refuse to sell them as well!
Tywin: Yeah, thanks for that massive backstory data dump, son. Got anything else about the history of the Lannisters that you want to share right now?
Tyrion: Not really. So where did you get the metal to make the sword from?
Tywin: This dude.
He points at Tobho Mott.
Tyrion: Oh wow! Tobho Mott! The guy from book 1 that was Gendry’s boss?
Tobho Mott: YES! And FOR ONCE I had a Hand of the King who actually came to my blacksmith shop in order to BUY A FUCKING SWORD and allow me to make a profit. Here I am. Tobho Mott. A brilliant sword master. Maybe the greatest sword master in the world. I learned how to work steel in Qohor. I am one of the few blacksmiths in the world that knows how to work Valyrian steel. So the Hand of the King, Jon Arryn comes to me. What does he want? To give me patronage? To help me turn a profit? No. He wants to know about Gendry. Then the next Hand of the King, Ned Stark, comes to me. What does he want? To give me patronage? To help me turn a profit? No. He wants to know about Gendry? Although I guess I did get patronage from him in the end.
Tyrion: How so?
Tobho Mott: Well, the sword I melted down for metal was “Ice,” the Stark family sword. That big ass sword was big enough to make two normal swords.
Tywin: Yes. One for my son, and one for my grandson, the King.
Tyrion: One for your son? Awww… thanks dad, you shouldn’t have!
Tywin: Bitch, you KNOW I’m talking about Jaime.
Tyrion: Yes. I do. It’s kind of fucked up that you say “my son” like you only have one though. You couldn’t even spare a little metal to make a dagger for me?
Tywin: There was enough metal for two swords. No more. I figured that one sword should go to my son that is, you know, a FUCKING KNIGHT that knows how to use a sword. And the other should go to the King because… well… he’s the King. Ain’t nobody got time for an imp dagger. If you want a dagger so bad, go take one from King Robert’s war chest. He was always getting ceremonial daggers from people.
Tyrion: I don’t really want a dagger. If I have a dagger, Cat Stark will probably just blame me for some crazy murder attempt. Again. Anyway, the steel is super pretty. Good work, Tobho. It is sort of fucked up that you melted down Ned Stark’s sword though.
Tobho Mott: I suppose. I tried to get the sword to come out as a Lannister color. But this Valryian Steel is unpredictable. It has a mind of its own.
Twyin: Indeed, Tobho. These will do quite nicely. ANYWAY… Tyrion… I summoned you here for a reason, Master of Coin. And it’s not to talk about how awesome Tobho Mott is.
Tobho Mott: Although if you DO want to talk about how awesome I am, you can keep going.
Tywin: GET OUT OF HERE!
Tobho Mott leaves.
Tyrion: Well father… if this is about the cost of rebuilding the harbor… I can tell you that it’s going to be A LOT. I was just inspecting it. There is nothing there. It’s ruins. Especially with the extravagant cost of this wedding for Joffrey. Do we really need that many courses of dinner and that many entertainers? I say cut back on this insanely expensive wedding and save a few bucks!
Tywin: What? No! We need an extravagant wedding. If we have a cheap wedding, the Tyrells will think us niggardly.
Tyrion: HOLY SHIT, dad. Do not use that word.
Tywin: What? You mean n-
Tyrion: --NO! Don’t say it again! Geez. Do you actually say that word in the books?
Tywin: Yes.
Tyrion: WELL DON’T!
Tywin: I don’t see what the problem is. The word has nothing to do with the racial slur. It’s simply an adjective meaning “stingy,” and it’s based on the middle English word “nigon,” which is itself is based on the Old Norse verb “nigla,” which means "to fuss about small matters." It has nothing to do with the Latin masculine adjective “niger,” meaning black or dark, from which the slur is derived.
Tyrion: Can you just say “cheap” in the future though?
Tywin: Can you just do your fucking job as Master of Coin and find a way to fund the new harbor? Littlefinger never complained about it like a little bitch. But you are. If you can’t do it then I’ll find a new Master of Coin who can.
Tyrion: Ugh. Okay… dad.
Tywin: And hurry up and put a baby in Sansa already.
Tyrion: It’s none of your business how I conduct my marriage!
Tywin: The hell it isn’t. We need a Lannister heir to Winterfell and we need it PRONTO. A marriage which hasn’t been consummated can be annulled.
Tyrion: Haha, speaking of fucked up, failed marriages… how about that awesome word we just got back from the Tyrells? You sent a message offering Cersei to marry Willas Tyrell in order to further bond the pact between the Lannisters and Tyrells. They responded with a letter back saying that Cersei was too old and used up. HAHAHA. THAT IS THE BEST.
Tywin: If you want to remain alive, I suggest that you never relay this story back to your sister. I know it’s tempting to gloat about it. But she will literally tear you apart with her hands.
Just then, Pycelle enters the room.
Pycelle: Oh, look who it is. The shitty-ass dwarf who threw me in jail. Well now I have my job back and you lost yours.
Tyrion: Shut up, Count Scarlioni. What are you doing here?
Pycelle: There is a message from Castle Black. It says that the Wildlings are moving south in vast numbers. Lord Commander Mormont is possibly dead. They request men be send to the Wall to help defend the kingdom. They apparently sent the letter to “all five Kings.”
Tywin: Hahaha… hilarious. Obviously news takes a while to get up there to the Wall. Also… No. Maybe I’ll think about it if they pick a side and are loyal to the one, true King… Joffrey!
Tyrion: Father, you know that the Watch is neutral about such things. Also, this letter sucks. I had dinner and drinks with Lord Commander Mormont. He seemed like a cool dude.
Tywin: I guess they’ll need a new Lord Commander then. If only we knew of someone with unquestionable loyalty to the Lannisters.
Pycelle: Ah, you mean someone like Janos Slynt?
Tyrion: JANOS FUCKING SLYNT? I sent him to the Wall because he’s a duplicitous traitor! He’d sell out anyone to the highest bidder! He and his Gold Cloaks LITERALLY went around murdering babies. You’re going to call him unquestionably loyal?
Tywin: As you said, he will sell out anyone to the highest bidder. The Lannisters are the richest family in the Seven Kingdoms. Therefore it is unlikely that anyone will bid higher than us. Let us send a letter back to Castle Black that subtly hints about the fact that they will only get our support if they elect Slynt as the next Lord Commander. Let’s not be direct about it. Let’s be kind of sly and cryptic. Make sure they get the picture though.
Tyrion: Ugh. I should have had Slynt and Pycelle killed when I had the chance. I didn’t know any better back then. Now I do, which is why I’ve had Symon Silver Tongue murdered. You always told me that I needed to learn my lessons, dad. Well see that? See how fast I have finally learned my lesson? Kill people who stand in my way! And I’m doing it now.
Pycelle: Dude, I’m standing right here.
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