Tyrion Lannister awaits the arrival of the large contingent from Dorne, which is set to include Prince Doran Martell.
Tyrion: So are they coming?
Pod: Yes.
Tyrion: I’m bored. Why don’t you tell the all the banners you see from the various Houses of Dorne.
Pod stands up on his horse. But he can’t see that well.
Pod: Well, I’m sort of short.
Tyrion: Bronn is tall. Bronn can describe all of the banners and sigils to you. And then you can tell me what House it belongs to.
Bronn: Why on earth would we do that?
Tyrion: As a way to provide ample exposition to introduce the various houses and families from Dorne, given that it will be the first time that representatives from these houses are featured in the books.
Bronn: That sounds dumb. I don’t want to do that.
Tyrion: Then how are readers supposed to learn all about the Houses of Dorne? How else will readers learn that House Qorgyle of Sandstone is represented by a red banner with three scorpions? Or that House Manwoody of Kingsgrave is represented by a black banner with a crowned skull? Or how the people of Dorne can actually be divided into three different sets of people with different skin tones? For instance – there are the Salty Dornishmen that live on the coast and who are racially a stand-in for Mediterranean people. There are the Sandy Dornishmen that live in the dessert who are a stand-in for Black people. And there are Stony Dornishmen who live in the mountains and are a stand-in for Northern Europeans.
Bronn: People don’t need to learn that. People don’t need to learn ANY of that. None of it will pbe of any importance later in the books. The racial make-up of the people of Dorne is of little consequence and neither the Houses of Manwoody or Qorgyle, nor their sigils, will ever be of any importance in this book series. Ever.
Tyrion: But this is all great information for fantasy world-building!
Pod: I gotta say I agree with Bronn here.
Tyrion: *sigh* Okay then. Let’s just move along to meeting Prince Doran.
And so they ride forward to meet with Prince Doran. But as they get closer, they see that there is no royal litter with the Martell banner.
Tyrion: Wait… does that mean that Prince Doran isn’t coming? If Prince Doran isn’t coming… then who in the hell is—
Prince Oberyn Martell, the Red Viper: --WHAT’S UP BITCHES!
He does a backflip and comes out like a boss.
Tyrion: OH SHIT! THE RED VIPER!
Red Viper: That’s right! It’s me! Oberyn Martell! Prince Doran’s younger brother and an infamous legend!
Tyrion: There are rumors that you dip the tips of your weapons with poison to kill your enemies! Hence, you know... the "viper" thing.
Red Viper: True. And by that I mean that it’s true that there are rumors about that. I choose to neither confirm nor deny the factual basis of that.
Tyrion: You’re also the guy that made the heir to Highgarden, Willas Tyrell, a cripple by defeating him in a jousting contest!
Red Viper: That is also true. The Tyrells FUCKING hate me. But it was a fair fight and Willas himself is the one who's least a little bitch about it.
Tyrion: And yet you are specifically coming here for a Tyrell wedding.
Red Viper: Correction, ser Imp. I am coming for a Tyrell-Lannister wedding. And in addition to being the arch enemies of the Tyrells… I am also the arch enemies of the Lannisters – what with your fucking father being the man that orchestrated the murder of my sister, Elia Martell.
Tyrion: True. And by that I mean that it’s true that there are rumors about that. I choose to neither confirm nor deny the factual basis of that.
Red Viper: Touché.
Tyrion: I don’t think that there would be a single person on this planet less welcomed to a Lannister-Tyrell wedding than the Red Viper. And I don’t think there is a single person more likely to start fights and troubles.
Red Viper: Both of those statements ring very true. I’ve also brought my paramour with me. Her name is Ellaria Sand!
Ellaria Sand: Hi!
Tyrion: Hi.
Red Viper: I plan to bring her as my +1 to the wedding.
Tyrion: Oh great! You plan on bringing a low-born, bastard mistress with you to a Lannister-Tyrell wedding! EVEN BETTER! This should be tons of fun.
Red Viper: By the way… do you know we’ve met before?
Tyrion: I don’t think so. I would remember that.
Red Viper: It was when you were a baby. I was visiting Casterly Rock shortly after your birth when Cersei and Jaime were all like, “Want to see our hideous monster brother that killed our mother when he was born?” And I was like, “Yeah.”
Tyrion: Let me guess… it was specifically Cersei that said that?
Red Viper: Yes.
Tyrion: Figures.
Red Viper: I was so psyched to see you! I had heard all these stories about you! The demon monster that was born! They said you had a tail. They said you were hideous! And you know what I saw when I saw you? Just a baby. A pretty normal baby with a little pink thing.
Tyrion: Well not THAT little.
Red Viper: What a let down.
Tyrion: Sorry to disappoint, asshole.
Red Viper: So I hear that you’ve put a tax on whores in the city?
Tyrion: Not my idea. It was my father’s idea. And pretty much one of the only ways to pay for all this shit like rebuilding the harbor and the royal wedding. Yet since I’m the Master of Coin, I’ll get all the blame. They’re already calling the tax “the dwarf’s penny.”
Red Viper: Well then I’m going to have to carry around a LOT of pennies. You know, because I really like visiting whores. I like whores so much that I fully plan on dying one day with some whore titties in my hands.
Tyrion: Well, I hope your mistress is okay with that.
Ellaria: Oh, we like to go together and share.
Tyrion: Kinky. I bet this is the specific chapter that absolutely sold HBO on greenlighting this as a TV show.
Red Viper: But I have not just come to this town to have lots of unprotected group sex with prostitutes. I have not just come to this town to attend a wedding. I have not just come to this town to take my brother’s seat on the small council. The Martells were promised another thing by coming to this town. We were promised… JUSTICE.
Tyrion: Right, right. Back to the Gregor “the Mountain” Clegane thing. Because he killed your sister.
Red Viper: Correct. Although the Mountain was just obeying orders. If I am to truly get justice… then I must also have the man who GAVE THE ORDER.
Tyrion: Uh huh.
Red Viper: Which is your father, by the way.
Tyrion: Again, I can neither confirm nor deny. I wasn’t there. Don’t know.
Red Viper: Oh, everybody knows.
Tyrion: You really seem to be obsessed with avenging your sister right at this moment. You’d think you would have done it years ago.
Red Viper: Justice has waited for too long! My sister was dear to me. We were very close. Just as close as your brother and sister are to each other.
Tyrion: GOD, I FUCKING HOPE NOT.
Red Viper: Huh?
Tyrion: Nothing. Well, things should just go swimmingly then with your wild card ass coming to Kings Landing. Looks like you’re really going to stir the pot.
Red Viper: Indeed.
Tyrion: You know that this city is full of thousands of spies and soldiers loyal to the Tywin, right? And here you are openly saying that you plan to kill my dad.
Red Viper: Fuck the math.
Tyrion: I suggest you better get yourself over to Chataya’s brothel and get a couple of girls to follow you around at all times.
Red Viper: Why’s that?
Tyrion: Well, you said you wanted to die with some whore titty in your hands. And trust me… it sounds like you’re going to die really soon.
Red Viper: Haha, no way. I’m far too interesting a character to get killed off that quickly.
Tyrion: I guess we’ll see!
Tyrion: So are they coming?
Pod: Yes.
Tyrion: I’m bored. Why don’t you tell the all the banners you see from the various Houses of Dorne.
Pod stands up on his horse. But he can’t see that well.
Pod: Well, I’m sort of short.
Tyrion: Bronn is tall. Bronn can describe all of the banners and sigils to you. And then you can tell me what House it belongs to.
Bronn: Why on earth would we do that?
Tyrion: As a way to provide ample exposition to introduce the various houses and families from Dorne, given that it will be the first time that representatives from these houses are featured in the books.
Bronn: That sounds dumb. I don’t want to do that.
Tyrion: Then how are readers supposed to learn all about the Houses of Dorne? How else will readers learn that House Qorgyle of Sandstone is represented by a red banner with three scorpions? Or that House Manwoody of Kingsgrave is represented by a black banner with a crowned skull? Or how the people of Dorne can actually be divided into three different sets of people with different skin tones? For instance – there are the Salty Dornishmen that live on the coast and who are racially a stand-in for Mediterranean people. There are the Sandy Dornishmen that live in the dessert who are a stand-in for Black people. And there are Stony Dornishmen who live in the mountains and are a stand-in for Northern Europeans.
Bronn: People don’t need to learn that. People don’t need to learn ANY of that. None of it will pbe of any importance later in the books. The racial make-up of the people of Dorne is of little consequence and neither the Houses of Manwoody or Qorgyle, nor their sigils, will ever be of any importance in this book series. Ever.
Tyrion: But this is all great information for fantasy world-building!
Pod: I gotta say I agree with Bronn here.
Tyrion: *sigh* Okay then. Let’s just move along to meeting Prince Doran.
And so they ride forward to meet with Prince Doran. But as they get closer, they see that there is no royal litter with the Martell banner.
Tyrion: Wait… does that mean that Prince Doran isn’t coming? If Prince Doran isn’t coming… then who in the hell is—
Prince Oberyn Martell, the Red Viper: --WHAT’S UP BITCHES!
He does a backflip and comes out like a boss.
Tyrion: OH SHIT! THE RED VIPER!
Red Viper: That’s right! It’s me! Oberyn Martell! Prince Doran’s younger brother and an infamous legend!
Tyrion: There are rumors that you dip the tips of your weapons with poison to kill your enemies! Hence, you know... the "viper" thing.
Red Viper: True. And by that I mean that it’s true that there are rumors about that. I choose to neither confirm nor deny the factual basis of that.
Tyrion: You’re also the guy that made the heir to Highgarden, Willas Tyrell, a cripple by defeating him in a jousting contest!
Red Viper: That is also true. The Tyrells FUCKING hate me. But it was a fair fight and Willas himself is the one who's least a little bitch about it.
Tyrion: And yet you are specifically coming here for a Tyrell wedding.
Red Viper: Correction, ser Imp. I am coming for a Tyrell-Lannister wedding. And in addition to being the arch enemies of the Tyrells… I am also the arch enemies of the Lannisters – what with your fucking father being the man that orchestrated the murder of my sister, Elia Martell.
Tyrion: True. And by that I mean that it’s true that there are rumors about that. I choose to neither confirm nor deny the factual basis of that.
Red Viper: Touché.
Tyrion: I don’t think that there would be a single person on this planet less welcomed to a Lannister-Tyrell wedding than the Red Viper. And I don’t think there is a single person more likely to start fights and troubles.
Red Viper: Both of those statements ring very true. I’ve also brought my paramour with me. Her name is Ellaria Sand!
Ellaria Sand: Hi!
Tyrion: Hi.
Red Viper: I plan to bring her as my +1 to the wedding.
Tyrion: Oh great! You plan on bringing a low-born, bastard mistress with you to a Lannister-Tyrell wedding! EVEN BETTER! This should be tons of fun.
Red Viper: By the way… do you know we’ve met before?
Tyrion: I don’t think so. I would remember that.
Red Viper: It was when you were a baby. I was visiting Casterly Rock shortly after your birth when Cersei and Jaime were all like, “Want to see our hideous monster brother that killed our mother when he was born?” And I was like, “Yeah.”
Tyrion: Let me guess… it was specifically Cersei that said that?
Red Viper: Yes.
Tyrion: Figures.
Red Viper: I was so psyched to see you! I had heard all these stories about you! The demon monster that was born! They said you had a tail. They said you were hideous! And you know what I saw when I saw you? Just a baby. A pretty normal baby with a little pink thing.
Tyrion: Well not THAT little.
Red Viper: What a let down.
Tyrion: Sorry to disappoint, asshole.
Red Viper: So I hear that you’ve put a tax on whores in the city?
Tyrion: Not my idea. It was my father’s idea. And pretty much one of the only ways to pay for all this shit like rebuilding the harbor and the royal wedding. Yet since I’m the Master of Coin, I’ll get all the blame. They’re already calling the tax “the dwarf’s penny.”
Red Viper: Well then I’m going to have to carry around a LOT of pennies. You know, because I really like visiting whores. I like whores so much that I fully plan on dying one day with some whore titties in my hands.
Tyrion: Well, I hope your mistress is okay with that.
Ellaria: Oh, we like to go together and share.
Tyrion: Kinky. I bet this is the specific chapter that absolutely sold HBO on greenlighting this as a TV show.
Red Viper: But I have not just come to this town to have lots of unprotected group sex with prostitutes. I have not just come to this town to attend a wedding. I have not just come to this town to take my brother’s seat on the small council. The Martells were promised another thing by coming to this town. We were promised… JUSTICE.
Tyrion: Right, right. Back to the Gregor “the Mountain” Clegane thing. Because he killed your sister.
Red Viper: Correct. Although the Mountain was just obeying orders. If I am to truly get justice… then I must also have the man who GAVE THE ORDER.
Tyrion: Uh huh.
Red Viper: Which is your father, by the way.
Tyrion: Again, I can neither confirm nor deny. I wasn’t there. Don’t know.
Red Viper: Oh, everybody knows.
Tyrion: You really seem to be obsessed with avenging your sister right at this moment. You’d think you would have done it years ago.
Red Viper: Justice has waited for too long! My sister was dear to me. We were very close. Just as close as your brother and sister are to each other.
Tyrion: GOD, I FUCKING HOPE NOT.
Red Viper: Huh?
Tyrion: Nothing. Well, things should just go swimmingly then with your wild card ass coming to Kings Landing. Looks like you’re really going to stir the pot.
Red Viper: Indeed.
Tyrion: You know that this city is full of thousands of spies and soldiers loyal to the Tywin, right? And here you are openly saying that you plan to kill my dad.
Red Viper: Fuck the math.
Tyrion: I suggest you better get yourself over to Chataya’s brothel and get a couple of girls to follow you around at all times.
Red Viper: Why’s that?
Tyrion: Well, you said you wanted to die with some whore titty in your hands. And trust me… it sounds like you’re going to die really soon.
Red Viper: Haha, no way. I’m far too interesting a character to get killed off that quickly.
Tyrion: I guess we’ll see!
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