Jon and Ygritte ride through Brandon’s Gift, south of the Wall.
Ygritte: Wow! Look at the size of these castles! They are so huge! They must have been built by giants and kings lived inside of them!
Jon: Uhh… Ygritte… these are little tree houses that people used to make for their kids to play in.
Ygritte: No way. You’re fucking with me!
Jon: No, seriously. These aren’t castles. These are tiny little structures. Do you actually know what a Castle looks like? They are like a hundred times taller than this. There are castles and towers at the Old Town Citadel that are taller than the Wall.
Ygritte: Hahaha, I know you’re just pulling my chain. I mean LOOK AT THIS right here! It’s massive!
Jon: That’s just one of the little sand castles that’s shaped like a turtle. It’s tiny. Holy crap, you people from north of the Wall have NO CLUE what it’s like on this side, do you?
Ygritte: Why is this place abandoned with all these huge, amazing castles here?
Jon: Well… again… they are pretty small and aren’t castles. But to answer your question… they all left because they kept getting murdered by you people.
Ygritte: What do you mean “you people?” You’re one of us now, Jon Snow.
Jon: Ah. Right. Right. Of course I am. *shifty eyes*
Ygritte: Sounds like you assholes south of the wall should have defended these things better. You all seem like a bunch of cowards if you abandoned this place just because of a few wildling raids.
Jon: Well, people get tired of being murdered and having everything stolen from them.
Ygritte: If you ask me, the real thieves are YOU.
Jon: Okay… I’m lost here. The people live in these towns. Then you come down and murder and steal from them. Yet somehow THEY are the thieves. Explain.
Ygritte: The land belongs to whoever fights for it and wants it more. That’s how the free folk live. Yet you Southerners come in and say, “You can’t live on this land. The king owns it. You can’t hunt in these woods. The king owns them. You can’t drink from this river. The king owns it.” See how annoying that is?
Jon: So you’re against state ownership of lands?
Ygritte: Yes! Everything should be available to everyone! People can’t “own” land! That’s crazy. It should be left for everyone to share.
Jon: If you say so. Jesus, you Wildlings are out there. Aren’t you? You don’t even have the most limited construct of social contract theory.
Ygritte: Meh.
Jon: You know… there is no way Mance’s plan will work. If you don’t form a society with rules then you have no order. Being “free” sounds cool and all. But it doesn’t work when you go against an organized state with an organized military. All of you free folk fight for your own glory. You’re individually kick-ass fighters. But if a trained, organized body comes to fight against you… you’ll be destroyed in a minute.
Ygritte: No way. You’re crazy.
Jon thinks about how he and Ygritte are so different. It bothers him. Oh, he enjoys that sex and everything. But this relationship will never really work out. Plus he has to betray all these people he’s riding with sooner or later. Probably sooner. He’s been travelling with them for a while and he knows their names. He knows about their families. They shoot the shit and talk about stuff like girlfriends and hobbies and great spots to play Pokemon Go up in Brandon’s Gift. And with every day that he knows these men more… the more hard it gets that he will have to betray them.
He’s already had to tell them all sorts of stuff about Castle Black. How many men are stationed there. What their defenses are. Jon lied when he could. But the honest truth is that Castle Black is BARELY a castle. Its walls are crumbling and it’s almost completely undefended. Of course to the north there is the Wall… but to the south? Nothing. The Wildlings might be able to easily take it from the South. Especially with Castle Black being 200 men short with the Great Ranging party. How many of those 200 men returned? Most of everyone left at Castle Black are Builders and Stewards. The Rangers? They’re all gone.
They are fucked.
Magnar: Hey. It’s starting to rain. Let’s go over to that village there.
Random Wildling: Oh, hey look. Is that smoke coming from the village?
Magnar: Hrm. Yes indeed. It does appear to be smoke.
Jon: Uh oh. This can’t be good.
The Wildlings assemble up and head over to the village, where they find an old man who has started a fire. They start to go through his things and steal all his shit. Jon walks away with Ygritte and sits on the side of a lake which is next to the small village.
Ygritte: HOLY SHIT! You were right, Jon! Those castles back there weren’t the biggest castles in the world! THIS RIGHT HERE must be the biggest castle in the world!
Jon: What? You mean that old tower?
Jon points at a tower that sits in the middle of the lake.
Ygritte: YEAH! Look how huge it is!
Jon: Winterfell has towers much bigger than that.
Ygritte: You’re yanking my chain again, man! No way!
Jon: *sigh* I wish I could show you Winterfell one day. But I know that’s not possible. Because Winterfell belongs to the King in the North. Not me. So I could never do that. You know… UNLESS… one day… I become the King in the North. Hrmmmmmm.
Ygritte: You know, I think there might be some people still living in the tower. Some of Styr and Magnar’s men said they heard noises.
Jon: That’s crazy talk. It’s the Queenstower. It’s been abandoned forever. They just hear lightning.
Ygritte: A queen used to live there?
Jon: No. A queen visited there one night. Queen Alysanne Targaryen (queen consort of her brother, King Jaehaerys I Targaryen), flew to the Wall on her dragon, Silverwing. She stayed at this holdfast on her way, so the villagers painted the merlons atop the tower gold.
Ygritte: Oh. That’s a lot of backstory that I’m not sure is relevant. Are you sure there is nobody in the tower? Because with that last flash of lightning, I thought I saw some heads popping out. Like maybe the head of a small, crippled boy, a pot smoker, his sister, and a giant dude.
Jon: That seems highly unlikely.
Random Wildling: HEY! Jon Snow. The Magner wants to see you.
Jon: Ugh. Okay.
Ygritte: You don’t have to listen to what this asshole tells you to do, Jon. You’re part of the free folk now. You can do what you want.
Jon: I suppose. But let me just see what that dickweed has to say.
Jon heads back into the village. The Magner stands over the old man who had been in the village.
Magnar: Ah, there you are. Kill this man.
The Magnar hands him a knife.
Jon: What? Why would I kill this guy?
Magnar: To prove your loyalty to the Free People. To prove you’re not still a crow that was assigned on some super secret mission to infiltrate us to learn about our plans, our numbers, and our plans to find and use a magical artifact known as the Horn of Winter in order to bring down the wall.
Jon: Uhhh…. He’s just an old man. He’s no threat to us.
Magnar: OBEY ME!
Jon: *thinking back at what Ygritte just told him*… Uhh… No! I’m a FREE FOLK! I don’t have to listen to you! I don’t take orders from you! I DO WHAT I WANT!
Ygritte: Hey! That’s not what I meant by my motivational speech to you about being free. Stop being a pussy and kill this guy.
Jon: Nah.
Ygritte is flustered, and can see that Jon isn’t going to do it. Yet if he doesn’t do it, the Magnar’s men are clearly going to kill him.
Ygritte grabs the knife from Jon’s hand and slits the old man’s throat. Blood goes squirting everywhere.
Magnar: Nice try, but that won’t save him. He is a crow. And you are a crow’s wife! Men, I order you to kill th—AGHHH!!!!! HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!
A MOTHERFUCKING DIREWOLF jumps into the scene and starts tearing out Wildling necks.
“Mysterious” Direwolf: *HOWL* [Translation: Come on people, you know I’m Bran/Summer. It’s pretty obvious. That’s why I was left behind and didn’t cross the causeway in the last chapter. Duh].
With the chaos of Bran/Summer eating wildling throats, all hell has broken loose. Jon knows this is the best chance he will get to escape. He jumps up on the horse that had belonged to the old man and makes a run for it.
None of the other wildlings stop him. Because… you know… they just climbed over the Wall. They obviously didn’t do that with horses. Do you know how hard it would be to bring a horse over the Wall? Very hard. Jon has a horse. They don’t.
Jon: HAHAH! SUCKERS! SMELL YOU LATER!
Magnar: Ugh. Will somebody shoot him?
Ygritte: *heartbroken sigh* Absolutely.
She pulls out her bow and arrow and aims straight for him. She fires.
Jon: AGHH!!!!!!!!!! FUCK! MY LEG!
Ygritte: Haha, I’m such a great shot. He’s super far away and I still got him.
Magnar: Did you? DID YOU?
Ygritte: You see? Look! I got him!
Magnar: Right. You got his fucking leg. Why didn’t you aim for his chest or his head? You know, to kill him. Or better yet… HIS HORSE! That would stop him dead in his tracks and we could then kill him. Now he’s just injured. And still getting away.
Ygritte: Oh. Well… erm… I mean… uh…
But sure enough, the Magnar is right and Jon has gotten away. But he’s losing a lot of blood from his leg. He stops for a moment to look at his wound.
Jon: Fuck this arrow is in pretty deep, isn’t it? Let me try to pull it out.
He tries to.
Jon: AGHHH!!!!! SHIT! Well, it looks like that isn’t going to happen. It won’t come back out. Which means… eww… I am really not going to like this…
Knowing he can’t pull the arrow out backwards, the only option for Jon is to PUSH IT THROUGH FURTHER. Right through his muscle and out of the other side of his leg. He pushes it out. The blood comes pouring out even more.
Jon: SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! That was SO STUPID! Why would I do that? Surely that is a very illogical medical procedure I just performed on myself!
Jon pops back up on the horse.
Jon: Horse! Take me back to Castle Black!
Horse: Nay.
Jon: Nay? You mean “no?!”
Horse: That’s just what horses say, man. Leave me alone.
Jon passes out from the blood loss as he stares up at the stars in the sky.
Ygritte: Wow! Look at the size of these castles! They are so huge! They must have been built by giants and kings lived inside of them!
Jon: Uhh… Ygritte… these are little tree houses that people used to make for their kids to play in.
Ygritte: No way. You’re fucking with me!
Jon: No, seriously. These aren’t castles. These are tiny little structures. Do you actually know what a Castle looks like? They are like a hundred times taller than this. There are castles and towers at the Old Town Citadel that are taller than the Wall.
Ygritte: Hahaha, I know you’re just pulling my chain. I mean LOOK AT THIS right here! It’s massive!
Jon: That’s just one of the little sand castles that’s shaped like a turtle. It’s tiny. Holy crap, you people from north of the Wall have NO CLUE what it’s like on this side, do you?
Ygritte: Why is this place abandoned with all these huge, amazing castles here?
Jon: Well… again… they are pretty small and aren’t castles. But to answer your question… they all left because they kept getting murdered by you people.
Ygritte: What do you mean “you people?” You’re one of us now, Jon Snow.
Jon: Ah. Right. Right. Of course I am. *shifty eyes*
Ygritte: Sounds like you assholes south of the wall should have defended these things better. You all seem like a bunch of cowards if you abandoned this place just because of a few wildling raids.
Jon: Well, people get tired of being murdered and having everything stolen from them.
Ygritte: If you ask me, the real thieves are YOU.
Jon: Okay… I’m lost here. The people live in these towns. Then you come down and murder and steal from them. Yet somehow THEY are the thieves. Explain.
Ygritte: The land belongs to whoever fights for it and wants it more. That’s how the free folk live. Yet you Southerners come in and say, “You can’t live on this land. The king owns it. You can’t hunt in these woods. The king owns them. You can’t drink from this river. The king owns it.” See how annoying that is?
Jon: So you’re against state ownership of lands?
Ygritte: Yes! Everything should be available to everyone! People can’t “own” land! That’s crazy. It should be left for everyone to share.
Jon: If you say so. Jesus, you Wildlings are out there. Aren’t you? You don’t even have the most limited construct of social contract theory.
Ygritte: Meh.
Jon: You know… there is no way Mance’s plan will work. If you don’t form a society with rules then you have no order. Being “free” sounds cool and all. But it doesn’t work when you go against an organized state with an organized military. All of you free folk fight for your own glory. You’re individually kick-ass fighters. But if a trained, organized body comes to fight against you… you’ll be destroyed in a minute.
Ygritte: No way. You’re crazy.
Jon thinks about how he and Ygritte are so different. It bothers him. Oh, he enjoys that sex and everything. But this relationship will never really work out. Plus he has to betray all these people he’s riding with sooner or later. Probably sooner. He’s been travelling with them for a while and he knows their names. He knows about their families. They shoot the shit and talk about stuff like girlfriends and hobbies and great spots to play Pokemon Go up in Brandon’s Gift. And with every day that he knows these men more… the more hard it gets that he will have to betray them.
He’s already had to tell them all sorts of stuff about Castle Black. How many men are stationed there. What their defenses are. Jon lied when he could. But the honest truth is that Castle Black is BARELY a castle. Its walls are crumbling and it’s almost completely undefended. Of course to the north there is the Wall… but to the south? Nothing. The Wildlings might be able to easily take it from the South. Especially with Castle Black being 200 men short with the Great Ranging party. How many of those 200 men returned? Most of everyone left at Castle Black are Builders and Stewards. The Rangers? They’re all gone.
They are fucked.
Magnar: Hey. It’s starting to rain. Let’s go over to that village there.
Random Wildling: Oh, hey look. Is that smoke coming from the village?
Magnar: Hrm. Yes indeed. It does appear to be smoke.
Jon: Uh oh. This can’t be good.
The Wildlings assemble up and head over to the village, where they find an old man who has started a fire. They start to go through his things and steal all his shit. Jon walks away with Ygritte and sits on the side of a lake which is next to the small village.
Ygritte: HOLY SHIT! You were right, Jon! Those castles back there weren’t the biggest castles in the world! THIS RIGHT HERE must be the biggest castle in the world!
Jon: What? You mean that old tower?
Jon points at a tower that sits in the middle of the lake.
Ygritte: YEAH! Look how huge it is!
Jon: Winterfell has towers much bigger than that.
Ygritte: You’re yanking my chain again, man! No way!
Jon: *sigh* I wish I could show you Winterfell one day. But I know that’s not possible. Because Winterfell belongs to the King in the North. Not me. So I could never do that. You know… UNLESS… one day… I become the King in the North. Hrmmmmmm.
Ygritte: You know, I think there might be some people still living in the tower. Some of Styr and Magnar’s men said they heard noises.
Jon: That’s crazy talk. It’s the Queenstower. It’s been abandoned forever. They just hear lightning.
Ygritte: A queen used to live there?
Jon: No. A queen visited there one night. Queen Alysanne Targaryen (queen consort of her brother, King Jaehaerys I Targaryen), flew to the Wall on her dragon, Silverwing. She stayed at this holdfast on her way, so the villagers painted the merlons atop the tower gold.
Ygritte: Oh. That’s a lot of backstory that I’m not sure is relevant. Are you sure there is nobody in the tower? Because with that last flash of lightning, I thought I saw some heads popping out. Like maybe the head of a small, crippled boy, a pot smoker, his sister, and a giant dude.
Jon: That seems highly unlikely.
Random Wildling: HEY! Jon Snow. The Magner wants to see you.
Jon: Ugh. Okay.
Ygritte: You don’t have to listen to what this asshole tells you to do, Jon. You’re part of the free folk now. You can do what you want.
Jon: I suppose. But let me just see what that dickweed has to say.
Jon heads back into the village. The Magner stands over the old man who had been in the village.
Magnar: Ah, there you are. Kill this man.
The Magnar hands him a knife.
Jon: What? Why would I kill this guy?
Magnar: To prove your loyalty to the Free People. To prove you’re not still a crow that was assigned on some super secret mission to infiltrate us to learn about our plans, our numbers, and our plans to find and use a magical artifact known as the Horn of Winter in order to bring down the wall.
Jon: Uhhh…. He’s just an old man. He’s no threat to us.
Magnar: OBEY ME!
Jon: *thinking back at what Ygritte just told him*… Uhh… No! I’m a FREE FOLK! I don’t have to listen to you! I don’t take orders from you! I DO WHAT I WANT!
Ygritte: Hey! That’s not what I meant by my motivational speech to you about being free. Stop being a pussy and kill this guy.
Jon: Nah.
Ygritte is flustered, and can see that Jon isn’t going to do it. Yet if he doesn’t do it, the Magnar’s men are clearly going to kill him.
Ygritte grabs the knife from Jon’s hand and slits the old man’s throat. Blood goes squirting everywhere.
Magnar: Nice try, but that won’t save him. He is a crow. And you are a crow’s wife! Men, I order you to kill th—AGHHH!!!!! HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!
A MOTHERFUCKING DIREWOLF jumps into the scene and starts tearing out Wildling necks.
“Mysterious” Direwolf: *HOWL* [Translation: Come on people, you know I’m Bran/Summer. It’s pretty obvious. That’s why I was left behind and didn’t cross the causeway in the last chapter. Duh].
With the chaos of Bran/Summer eating wildling throats, all hell has broken loose. Jon knows this is the best chance he will get to escape. He jumps up on the horse that had belonged to the old man and makes a run for it.
None of the other wildlings stop him. Because… you know… they just climbed over the Wall. They obviously didn’t do that with horses. Do you know how hard it would be to bring a horse over the Wall? Very hard. Jon has a horse. They don’t.
Jon: HAHAH! SUCKERS! SMELL YOU LATER!
Magnar: Ugh. Will somebody shoot him?
Ygritte: *heartbroken sigh* Absolutely.
She pulls out her bow and arrow and aims straight for him. She fires.
Jon: AGHH!!!!!!!!!! FUCK! MY LEG!
Ygritte: Haha, I’m such a great shot. He’s super far away and I still got him.
Magnar: Did you? DID YOU?
Ygritte: You see? Look! I got him!
Magnar: Right. You got his fucking leg. Why didn’t you aim for his chest or his head? You know, to kill him. Or better yet… HIS HORSE! That would stop him dead in his tracks and we could then kill him. Now he’s just injured. And still getting away.
Ygritte: Oh. Well… erm… I mean… uh…
But sure enough, the Magnar is right and Jon has gotten away. But he’s losing a lot of blood from his leg. He stops for a moment to look at his wound.
Jon: Fuck this arrow is in pretty deep, isn’t it? Let me try to pull it out.
He tries to.
Jon: AGHHH!!!!! SHIT! Well, it looks like that isn’t going to happen. It won’t come back out. Which means… eww… I am really not going to like this…
Knowing he can’t pull the arrow out backwards, the only option for Jon is to PUSH IT THROUGH FURTHER. Right through his muscle and out of the other side of his leg. He pushes it out. The blood comes pouring out even more.
Jon: SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! That was SO STUPID! Why would I do that? Surely that is a very illogical medical procedure I just performed on myself!
Jon pops back up on the horse.
Jon: Horse! Take me back to Castle Black!
Horse: Nay.
Jon: Nay? You mean “no?!”
Horse: That’s just what horses say, man. Leave me alone.
Jon passes out from the blood loss as he stares up at the stars in the sky.
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