AGoT 28: Catelyn V

Cat and Ser Rodrick Cassel are riding North on the Kingsroad towards Winterfell. But it's still a long way to go. A light rain falls.

Rodrick: You should cover yourself m'lady. You'll catch a chill in this rain.

Cat: Please, I enjoy this weather. It reminds me of the rains in Riverrun growing up with Lysa, Edmure and Littlefinger. Much better than that rain in the north which is like hail.

Rodrick: M'lady, it's getting late. Perhaps we should pull aside and make camp and a fire. Besides, there are shadowcats running around at night.

Cat: Oh shit. SHADOWCATS? That sounds awesome. Why is this entire chapter and/or the entire book series not just all about Shadowcats? I smell a spinoff.

Rodrick: M'lady, please.

Cat: Look, There is an inn at the crossroads not far from here. It's called "Inn at the Crossroads." Nobody is quite sure how it got its name. This fat lady named Masha Heddle runs it. Oh, I have so many memories of her and those jacked up teeth of hers. She used to always offer me sweet cakes. We can go there instead.

Rodrick: It's pretty busy and crowded there. We wouldn't want anyone to notice you. Best to stay away from places like that.

Just then, a party of soldiers led by Lord Jason Mallister, bannerman to her father Hoster Tully, pass right by them. Mallister doesn't bat an eye at Cat. 

Cat: See? Look at that! I'm so filthy and disheveled from this riding that not even the bannerman to my father would recognize me. Come on, let's get to that Inn!

Rodrick: Kind of a big fucking coincidence that happened right when we were having that particular conversation.

Cat: Shut up.

They head to the Inn and get a table in a far corner. Sure enough, nobody recognizes Cat - not even Masha Heddle.

Cat: Damn, she's even uglier than I remember.

They change into dry clothes and sit down for supper. As they do so, Cat drifts into deep thought about which way they should go. Here at the Crossroads they can go any direction. She could go west to Riverrun to warn her family and see her sick father. She could go east to the Eryie and see that crazy sister Lysa. In the end, she decides continuing on to Winterfell is the best course of action. But she continues to wonder about the reliability of the bannermen in these areas if they indeed have to take up war against the Lannisters. Sure, her own people are solid. But what about those asshole Freys? They showed up late in the last war and only after the winning side had been determined. And some other houses up here sided with the Targayrens in the last big war. But her daydreaming is cut off by...

Marillion: -HEY THERE! I'm Marillion. Surely you've heard of me. I'm a super famous singer. I write ballads that get the girls' panties wet.

Cat: Never heard of you.

Rodrick: Nope. And you're so important most of your content will be cut from the TV show.

Marillion: DAMNIT! I get gut and yet they have time to add Ed Fucking Sheeran into the show? Anyway, pay me some silver and I'll sing you a song.

Rodrick: I'd rather take your lyre and throw it down a fucking well, along with you.

Marillion: Geez, harsh crowd. You know, I'm kind of a big deal in Riverrun. I'm like best friends with Lord Tully.

Cat: Bullshit. My brother hates singers.

And just as they're talking, the door bursts open. Tyrion Lannister and a crew including Yoren and some other folks walks in.

Tyrion Lannister: WHATTUP BITCHES?! Tyrion in da house! On my way back down to King's Landing from Winterfell! Let me get a room, some food and some bitches for the night! A bath too. I guess that could go before the bitches because I smell like ass.

Masha Heddle: We're out of rooms, sorry.

Tyrion: Well, I guess I'd only need a... SMALL ROOM!

Yoren: Oh shit, good one.

Masha Heddle: I said no rooms! Go sleep in the stable.

Tyrion: Is that so? Well check out this gold coin I have here! Anyone interested?

Random Dude: Uhm... Me!

Tyrion tosses the coin to the man.

Tyrion: See that shit there, people? He paid some silver for a room. Now there are no rooms left and thus the value of the rooms are now greater than when he initially paid. He can therefore trade the room for gold now, making a tidy profit. This man is the OG house flipper. It's like he's trading stocks and now he's in the black.  Let that be a lesson to you all on the value of capitalism. Now somebody send some roast fowl up to my new room because I'm fucking starving. Yoren, care to join me?

But then, Marillion's fame-thirsty self runs over. 

Marillion: Oh, Lord Lannister! Please let me play you a song about your father's victory at King's Landing!

Tyrion: That would be a great idea if anyone suspected I had food poisoning and I needed to throw up all my food. No thanks, dickwad.  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go up and--- FUCK, is that Cat Stark? CAT!!! I missed you in Winterfell! The boys say hi!

Cat: Sonofabitch.

Everyone turns and looks at Cat, finally recognizing her.

Rodrick: Who told you that coming here was a terrible idea and that you'd be noticed? OH RIGHT, ME.

Tyrion: Whattup girl? You're looking kind of rough and dirty, but I'd still hit it.

Cat stands up. 

Cat: I see in this room a number of men-at-arms.  Brackens, Freys, Whents. You are all sworn to the house of my father, Lord Holster Tulley. Tell me... are you true to my father?

She gets a somewhat muted and confused response.

Tyrion: Cat... what the hell is this all about?

Cat: Well, if you ARE true, then know this. This little imp here was a guest in my home. While a guest, he sent an assassin to murder my son, Bran. In the name of King Robert, I order you to help me seize this man and bring him to the King's justice in Winterfell!

Tyrion: Hahaha, oh man. What kind of hilarious practical joke is this? Also, your timeline is a bit off. Technically I had already left for Castle Black by the time an assassin was sent to kill your boy, so I wouldn't have done it WHILE I was a guest at your house. Moot point though, because I didn't do it at all. I'm innocent of the charges and surely nobody here would believe you that I--

And suddenly Tyrion is silent as a dozen swords surround his neck. 

Cat: Hahaha, oh man. I don't know what's more satisfying. All those swords surrounding you or the look on your shitty little imp face.