Cat is in her bedchamber, thinking about how hot her room is based on Winterfell's natural heating from hot springs. She thinks about a crossword puzzle she did the other week, and tries to remember if she returned a library book. Septon Chayle will be so miffed if that book is overdue. Suddenly she notices that she's bouncing a little. Is there a mini earthquake happening or something?
Eddard: OH, OH, OHHHHHHHH!!!!! AHHHHH, yeah. Was that good for you, baby?
Cat: Oh shit. Were we having sex? I mean, ah, yeah. Of course. You definitely hit my sweet spot. So good.
Eddard: Golly, is it hot in here or what? Let me open this window.
Cat: So honey, we need to talk about this "Hand of the King" thing that Robert offered you.
Eddard: Yes, we do. I'm going to refuse it.
Cat: No! You must not! Robert will be furious.
Eddard: Yeah, for a little bit. But I know him. He'll be pissed off for a while, but a few days later we'll be back to bros again.
Cat: You used to know him, Ned. It's been nine years. He's a different person now.
Eddard: More like two different people. Get it? Get it?
Cat: Yes, I--
Eddard: --Because he's so fat!
Cat: Look, what I'm trying to say is that he's a King now. If you refuse he will think you're not trustworthy. It will put all of our family in danger!
Suddenly there is a knock on the bedchamber door.
Desmond: Excue me, Lord Stark. Maester Luwin has an urgent message.
Eddard: Okay, fine. Let him in. Just give us a few minutes to--
The door swings open.
Maester Luwin: --Here I am!
Eddard: Dude! Give us a few minutes! Can't you tell we were just having sex?
Cat: Why would he if I couldn't?
Luwin: Please Ned, I helped deliver all of Cat's babies. I ain't seeing nothing now I haven't seen before.
Eddard: So what is the urgent message?
Luwin: Here, this package arrived. It's got some dumb glass lens in it but that's not important. What's important is that there is a hidden message under it.
Eddard: Well give me the damn message!
Luwin: Ah, actually it's for Lady Catelyn. Not you.
Cat grabs the message.
Cat: It's from my sister, Lysa. It's in a secret sister language that only we two know, convieniently for plot purposes. She says that Robert Arryn was MURDERED!
Luwin: DUNN DUNN DUNNNNNNNNN!!!
Eddard: By who? BY WHO?
Cat: By the Lannisters!
Luwin: OH, SNAP!
Cat: Oh crap honey. You know what this means? You definitely need to become Hand of the King now! To help solve this mystery!
Eddard: I'm not sure that makes sense. And I don't want to go south. That place is a nest of adders.
Cat: Oh shit, "Nest of Vipers." Band name?
She looks at Ned and Maester Luwin. Luwin holds his hand out flat and shakes it a little.
Luwin: Eh. It's okay.
Eddard: Besides my love, you know how going south usually goes for us Starks.
Cat: Don't you want to avenge your mentor's death? Robert will never believe us now. We have no evidence! But as Hand of the King you'll be able to have access to all that power, be close the the Lannisters, and you'll be able to figure it all out.
Eddard whips out his CSI notebook.
Eddard: Well, I'm sold. You don't have to tell me twice! Now I guess the only thing I need to do before heading out is to break this family totally apart so that we'll never all be happily together again.
Cat: Wait, what?
Eddard: Well, I mean Sansa and Arya obviously have to come with me. Sansa to court Joffrey and Arya to learn to become a proper lady since she's such a little tomboy. Bran will need to come with me too because I hear there is great rock climbing down there. And he loves rock climbing.
Cat: That's true. Almost as much as he loves his ability to walk.
Eddard: Yes, he does love walking and climbing. So that leaves Robb and Rickon to stay with you. Robb so he can be trained by you to govern Winterfell while I'm away and Rickon just because I don't fucking care for him that much.
Cat: Well, that just leaves Jon Snow. He can't go with you because there is no role for a bastard down in the King's Court. And he can't stay with me because he's not my son and I fucking hate him with all my heart.
Cat thinks back to the one time she confronted Ned about who Jon's mother was. She guessed Ashara Dayne. Which is actually a pretty shitty guess because if she was right it would have gone something like this:
Eddard: WHAT?! Jesus Cat, you really hate that kid.
Luwin: Uhm, if I might suggest an alternative m'lord and my m'lady. I recently had a conversation with Benjen and he noted that the boy was interested in taking up the black.
Cat: I did once too. In college. This guy from the Summer Isles. He was like nine inches--
Luwin: --No, m'lady. I mean he wants to join the Night's Watch.
Cat: Ah, right.
Eddard: Well then it's settled! I guess that all worked out just fine.
Eddard: OH, OH, OHHHHHHHH!!!!! AHHHHH, yeah. Was that good for you, baby?
Cat: Oh shit. Were we having sex? I mean, ah, yeah. Of course. You definitely hit my sweet spot. So good.
Eddard: Golly, is it hot in here or what? Let me open this window.
Cat: So honey, we need to talk about this "Hand of the King" thing that Robert offered you.
Eddard: Yes, we do. I'm going to refuse it.
Cat: No! You must not! Robert will be furious.
Eddard: Yeah, for a little bit. But I know him. He'll be pissed off for a while, but a few days later we'll be back to bros again.
Cat: You used to know him, Ned. It's been nine years. He's a different person now.
Eddard: More like two different people. Get it? Get it?
Cat: Yes, I--
Eddard: --Because he's so fat!
Cat: Look, what I'm trying to say is that he's a King now. If you refuse he will think you're not trustworthy. It will put all of our family in danger!
Suddenly there is a knock on the bedchamber door.
Desmond: Excue me, Lord Stark. Maester Luwin has an urgent message.
Eddard: Okay, fine. Let him in. Just give us a few minutes to--
The door swings open.
Maester Luwin: --Here I am!
Eddard: Dude! Give us a few minutes! Can't you tell we were just having sex?
Cat: Why would he if I couldn't?
Luwin: Please Ned, I helped deliver all of Cat's babies. I ain't seeing nothing now I haven't seen before.
Eddard: So what is the urgent message?
Luwin: Here, this package arrived. It's got some dumb glass lens in it but that's not important. What's important is that there is a hidden message under it.
Eddard: Well give me the damn message!
Luwin: Ah, actually it's for Lady Catelyn. Not you.
Cat grabs the message.
Cat: It's from my sister, Lysa. It's in a secret sister language that only we two know, convieniently for plot purposes. She says that Robert Arryn was MURDERED!
Luwin: DUNN DUNN DUNNNNNNNNN!!!
Eddard: By who? BY WHO?
Cat: By the Lannisters!
Luwin: OH, SNAP!
Cat: Oh crap honey. You know what this means? You definitely need to become Hand of the King now! To help solve this mystery!
Eddard: I'm not sure that makes sense. And I don't want to go south. That place is a nest of adders.
Cat: Oh shit, "Nest of Vipers." Band name?
She looks at Ned and Maester Luwin. Luwin holds his hand out flat and shakes it a little.
Luwin: Eh. It's okay.
Eddard: Besides my love, you know how going south usually goes for us Starks.
Cat: Don't you want to avenge your mentor's death? Robert will never believe us now. We have no evidence! But as Hand of the King you'll be able to have access to all that power, be close the the Lannisters, and you'll be able to figure it all out.
Eddard whips out his CSI notebook.
Eddard: Well, I'm sold. You don't have to tell me twice! Now I guess the only thing I need to do before heading out is to break this family totally apart so that we'll never all be happily together again.
Cat: Wait, what?
Eddard: Well, I mean Sansa and Arya obviously have to come with me. Sansa to court Joffrey and Arya to learn to become a proper lady since she's such a little tomboy. Bran will need to come with me too because I hear there is great rock climbing down there. And he loves rock climbing.
Cat: That's true. Almost as much as he loves his ability to walk.
Eddard: Yes, he does love walking and climbing. So that leaves Robb and Rickon to stay with you. Robb so he can be trained by you to govern Winterfell while I'm away and Rickon just because I don't fucking care for him that much.
Cat: Well, that just leaves Jon Snow. He can't go with you because there is no role for a bastard down in the King's Court. And he can't stay with me because he's not my son and I fucking hate him with all my heart.
Cat thinks back to the one time she confronted Ned about who Jon's mother was. She guessed Ashara Dayne. Which is actually a pretty shitty guess because if she was right it would have gone something like this:
Young Ned: Hello there Ashara. I just killed your brother... Ser Arthur Dayne, the Sword of the Morning. But hey, no hard feelings right? I've come here to Starfall and brought you back his sword, Dawn, as a gift to you. I tried to clean most of his blood off.
Ashara Dayne: Oh wow! You murdered my brother? That's so hot! We should probably have sex right now so I can have your baby and then I'll jump out of this castle window and into the sea. Just promise to raise him.Cat: I guess there is really only one solution to this. Ned, get out Ice and we'll just kill Jon.
Eddard: WHAT?! Jesus Cat, you really hate that kid.
Luwin: Uhm, if I might suggest an alternative m'lord and my m'lady. I recently had a conversation with Benjen and he noted that the boy was interested in taking up the black.
Cat: I did once too. In college. This guy from the Summer Isles. He was like nine inches--
Luwin: --No, m'lady. I mean he wants to join the Night's Watch.
Cat: Ah, right.
Eddard: Well then it's settled! I guess that all worked out just fine.
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