Jon is at the Wall now. He has been for a few weeks. Not long after he showed up, his uncle Benjen had to leave for a few days. Apparently out on some mission looking for a missing member of the Night's Watch named Waymar Royce. You might remember him from the prologue. Benjen was supposed to be back a while ago though. He promised to be back by Jon's 15th birthday. He hasn't returned. So Jon has no uncle to look after him anymore up here. The only comfort he has is the comfort of humiliating others who he's better than during sparring matches.
Ser Alliser Thorne is Castle Black's master-at-arms, and is watching over all of these fights by the new recruits.
Thorne: Okay, you untalented little shits. Fight!
Jon is sparring with some guy named Grenn. He kicks Grenn's ass and injures his wrist.
Grenn: AGH! You broke it, asshole!
Jon: Whatever. I'm the best! My fighting is so good. I'm going to do well here in Castle Black because I'm so good. But also so alone. So, so very alone.
Thorne: Okay Lord Snow, that's enough of that, you stupid bastard. And I literally mean bastard.
Jon: Ugh, "Lord Snow." I hate that shit. DON'T CALL ME THAT!
Everyone Else: Hahaha, that really annoys him. Let's all call him that!
Jon: AGH! Why don't people like me? Can't they see how good I am?! Well fuck them all. They're just a bunch of assholes. Tyrion warned me about this. Whatever, I've got Ghost. He's the only friend I'll ever need.
Jon goes back to his room and tries to go to sleep with Ghost at his bedside. He thinks about how much he misses his family. But Benjen said this is his family now. Which is such bullshit.
Grenn: Hey asshole!
Jon looks up. Grenn and a few of his buddies, Toad and some other random characters who don't even get names, have arrived at his door.
Grenn: You wanna fight for real punk? We can fight!
Jon: Nah, I don't want to fight you.
Grenn: Your mom is a ho.
Jon: WHAT?!
Grenn: You're a bastard. So who is your mom? Probably a ho, right? Ned Stark put his dick in some crazy ass trick ho that was yo mamma.
Jon: That's not true. THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!
Jon doesn't know shit about his mom, but he always kind of just assumed she was some proper Lady. Which is a pretty stupid to assume. Anyway, this pisses off Jon pretty hard.
Jon: Don't talk about my mom!
Grenn: Jon Snow... yo momma so fat that Bran the Builder got the inspiration to build the Wall after seeing her.
Jon: I said shut up!
Grenn: Yo mamma so ugly when she was a Mole's Town whore they used to pay her to put clothes back on.
Jon: Oh, It's on like Donkey Kong, punk ass Aurochs-looking motherfucker. I'LL KILL YOU!
Toad: What the hell is an Aurochs?
Jon: An extinct species of cattle.
Toad: That's a pretty, ahhh, pretty obscure reference there.
Jon and Grenn go out into the yard to fight. A crowd gathers just like at high school. As they begin fighting, Donal Noye breaks it up. He's the Castle Black smith, armorer, and steward.
Donal: Okay, break it up! Break it up!
Grenn: Oh, you gonna pull us apart? How punk? With your one arm?
Donal: Awww, you just had to fucking go there, didn't you?
That's right, Noye is also missing an arm. Which you think would make him a pretty terrible blacksmith, right? Nope. He's still bad ass. He tears the two apart and sends the others along their way while repremanding Jon.
Donal: Now listen up, punk. There is no honor is killing some idiot boy like Grenn.
Jon: He was talking about my mom!
Donal: Hey look, saying something doesn't mean its true. Besides, yo mamma jokes are how we get by here on the Wall.
Random Brother: Yo mamma so dumb she lost a game of Charades to Hodor.
Jon: WHAT?! How do you even know who Hodor is to make that joke?
Random Brother: Uhh... Benjen told us about him?
Jon: Ah, okay.
Donal: At any rate, boy... pay them no heed! When you're in the Night's Watch you're in the Night's Watch for life. These will be your brothers from this day forth. So get used to it.
That didn't make Jon feel any better. He thought about the rest of his life. He had barely even had a life up to this point. Unlike Donal, who was an old man who had probably gotten tons of ass and gone on enough zany life adventures to lose an arm out of it. Jon would have none of that. He'd be stuck on the Wall until he died. But I suppose if he did die then after he came back he could leave the Wall.
Jon: Huh? What was that?
Nothing.
Jon: All these guys hate me because I'm better!
Donal: No, they hate you because you THINK you're better. You're just a bastard and a bully.
Jon: What? ME? A bully! No fucking way! I've been bullied my whole life for being a bastard. I know what it's like being bullied. I'd never be one myself.
Donal: How many of these boys have ever had formal training with a sword? How many of them had masters-at-arms looking over them and training them since they were children? None. You think it's hard being a bastard son of a Lord? Bitch, please. You've had everything none of these boys ever had. Of course you're going to kick their ass in a fight. You best learn how to get along with these people Lord Snow, or you're going to have to sleep with one eye open.
Jon: Gripping my pillow tight?
Donal: Get the fuck out my face with that shit.
Jon walks away to get a breath of fresh air... away from everyone else. He stares at the Wall. It's the biggest and oldest thing in the Seven Kingdoms--
Grenn: --EXCEPT FOR JON SNOW'S MOMMA!
--Jon looks at it and thinks of it as the end of the world.
Tyrion: Ah, Jon. Makes you wonder what lies beyond, right? I mean other than your probably dead Uncle.
Jon: Shit, when did you show up here? I haven't seen your ass in forever. What with you being an all-important special guest here at Castle Black and staying in that King's Tower place.
Tyrion: Oh, I got here like 20 minutes ago, Lord Snow. You've been staring for a while like a weirdo.
Jon: You too with that "Lord Snow" bullshit? Fuck you, man. I thought we were cool after grumpkins and snark.
Tyrion: My apologies. But do you think I like being called "the Imp" either? And yet I'm called it all the time. So you know what I've done? I've taken that word back from the people who used it to harm me. Now I call myself the Imp. You can turn one of your weaknesses into one of your strengths.
Jon: Oh, you mean like with rappers using the N word?
Tyrion: Dude, I want you to, like, never fucking mention that again or I will slap you like I fucking slapped Joffrey. Don't. Don't. Don't. Just fucking don't... ever... again. Ever.
Jon: Sorry. I'm just stressed out, man. It's my uncle, you know. He promised he'd be back.
Tyion: Yes, lots of brothers of the Watch have been going missing recently. There is a Cabot Cove, Maine level of unexpected crime and mischief up here these days. Still, best not to dwell on dark shit like that. I'm hungry. Let's go get some food.
And so they go to get some food from the Common Hall. Jon picks a bench far away from everyone else who he hates and sits down with Tyrion to eat. But just as Jon is getting his eat on...
Thorne: Lord Snow, you stupid bastard, the Lord Commander wants to see you. A raven has arrived. It's about your half-brother.
Jon: What? Bran?! OH NO!!!! Has he... *sniff*...
Tyrion: --My sypathies, Jon.
Jon jumps up from his chair and goes to the Lord Commander's Keep. There the Commander, Jeor Mormont, hands Jon the note.
Jon: OH SHIT! Bran's alive! He's alive! FUCK YEEEEAAAAAAA!!!!
Raven Alive! Alive! Also, corn.
Jon rushes back to the Common Hall and starts dancing and high five-ing everyone.
Jon: He's alive! Bran's alive!
Grenn: What the fuck did Lord Snow just high five me for? His half brother isn't dead and he thinks that means we get to be best friends now?
Jon: Oh, I'm so sorry for being a douche, Grenn. I can teach you how to defend from that move that I used to fuck up your hand with.
Thorne: Please, you could teach a crippled boy to warg into a wolf and learn to juggle before you could teach these shitty kids proper swordsplay.
Jon: Oh, let's make a wager on that because I bet I'm a better trainer than you.
Everyone in the Hall: OH SNAP!!!
They start laughing and pointing at Thorne.
Thorne: Oh, I am going to spend my ever last breath thinking of ways to fuck this kid over.
Raven: No seriously people, I want some fucking corn.
Ser Alliser Thorne is Castle Black's master-at-arms, and is watching over all of these fights by the new recruits.
Thorne: Okay, you untalented little shits. Fight!
Jon is sparring with some guy named Grenn. He kicks Grenn's ass and injures his wrist.
Grenn: AGH! You broke it, asshole!
Jon: Whatever. I'm the best! My fighting is so good. I'm going to do well here in Castle Black because I'm so good. But also so alone. So, so very alone.
Thorne: Okay Lord Snow, that's enough of that, you stupid bastard. And I literally mean bastard.
Jon: Ugh, "Lord Snow." I hate that shit. DON'T CALL ME THAT!
Everyone Else: Hahaha, that really annoys him. Let's all call him that!
Jon: AGH! Why don't people like me? Can't they see how good I am?! Well fuck them all. They're just a bunch of assholes. Tyrion warned me about this. Whatever, I've got Ghost. He's the only friend I'll ever need.
Jon goes back to his room and tries to go to sleep with Ghost at his bedside. He thinks about how much he misses his family. But Benjen said this is his family now. Which is such bullshit.
Grenn: Hey asshole!
Jon looks up. Grenn and a few of his buddies, Toad and some other random characters who don't even get names, have arrived at his door.
Grenn: You wanna fight for real punk? We can fight!
Jon: Nah, I don't want to fight you.
Grenn: Your mom is a ho.
Jon: WHAT?!
Grenn: You're a bastard. So who is your mom? Probably a ho, right? Ned Stark put his dick in some crazy ass trick ho that was yo mamma.
Jon: That's not true. THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!
Jon doesn't know shit about his mom, but he always kind of just assumed she was some proper Lady. Which is a pretty stupid to assume. Anyway, this pisses off Jon pretty hard.
Jon: Don't talk about my mom!
Grenn: Jon Snow... yo momma so fat that Bran the Builder got the inspiration to build the Wall after seeing her.
Jon: I said shut up!
Grenn: Yo mamma so ugly when she was a Mole's Town whore they used to pay her to put clothes back on.
Jon: Oh, It's on like Donkey Kong, punk ass Aurochs-looking motherfucker. I'LL KILL YOU!
Toad: What the hell is an Aurochs?
Jon: An extinct species of cattle.
Toad: That's a pretty, ahhh, pretty obscure reference there.
Jon and Grenn go out into the yard to fight. A crowd gathers just like at high school. As they begin fighting, Donal Noye breaks it up. He's the Castle Black smith, armorer, and steward.
Donal: Okay, break it up! Break it up!
Grenn: Oh, you gonna pull us apart? How punk? With your one arm?
Donal: Awww, you just had to fucking go there, didn't you?
That's right, Noye is also missing an arm. Which you think would make him a pretty terrible blacksmith, right? Nope. He's still bad ass. He tears the two apart and sends the others along their way while repremanding Jon.
Donal: Now listen up, punk. There is no honor is killing some idiot boy like Grenn.
Jon: He was talking about my mom!
Donal: Hey look, saying something doesn't mean its true. Besides, yo mamma jokes are how we get by here on the Wall.
Random Brother: Yo mamma so dumb she lost a game of Charades to Hodor.
Jon: WHAT?! How do you even know who Hodor is to make that joke?
Random Brother: Uhh... Benjen told us about him?
Jon: Ah, okay.
Donal: At any rate, boy... pay them no heed! When you're in the Night's Watch you're in the Night's Watch for life. These will be your brothers from this day forth. So get used to it.
That didn't make Jon feel any better. He thought about the rest of his life. He had barely even had a life up to this point. Unlike Donal, who was an old man who had probably gotten tons of ass and gone on enough zany life adventures to lose an arm out of it. Jon would have none of that. He'd be stuck on the Wall until he died. But I suppose if he did die then after he came back he could leave the Wall.
Jon: Huh? What was that?
Nothing.
Jon: All these guys hate me because I'm better!
Donal: No, they hate you because you THINK you're better. You're just a bastard and a bully.
Jon: What? ME? A bully! No fucking way! I've been bullied my whole life for being a bastard. I know what it's like being bullied. I'd never be one myself.
Donal: How many of these boys have ever had formal training with a sword? How many of them had masters-at-arms looking over them and training them since they were children? None. You think it's hard being a bastard son of a Lord? Bitch, please. You've had everything none of these boys ever had. Of course you're going to kick their ass in a fight. You best learn how to get along with these people Lord Snow, or you're going to have to sleep with one eye open.
Jon: Gripping my pillow tight?
Donal: Get the fuck out my face with that shit.
Jon walks away to get a breath of fresh air... away from everyone else. He stares at the Wall. It's the biggest and oldest thing in the Seven Kingdoms--
Grenn: --EXCEPT FOR JON SNOW'S MOMMA!
--Jon looks at it and thinks of it as the end of the world.
Tyrion: Ah, Jon. Makes you wonder what lies beyond, right? I mean other than your probably dead Uncle.
Jon: Shit, when did you show up here? I haven't seen your ass in forever. What with you being an all-important special guest here at Castle Black and staying in that King's Tower place.
Tyrion: Oh, I got here like 20 minutes ago, Lord Snow. You've been staring for a while like a weirdo.
Jon: You too with that "Lord Snow" bullshit? Fuck you, man. I thought we were cool after grumpkins and snark.
Tyrion: My apologies. But do you think I like being called "the Imp" either? And yet I'm called it all the time. So you know what I've done? I've taken that word back from the people who used it to harm me. Now I call myself the Imp. You can turn one of your weaknesses into one of your strengths.
Jon: Oh, you mean like with rappers using the N word?
Tyrion: Dude, I want you to, like, never fucking mention that again or I will slap you like I fucking slapped Joffrey. Don't. Don't. Don't. Just fucking don't... ever... again. Ever.
Jon: Sorry. I'm just stressed out, man. It's my uncle, you know. He promised he'd be back.
Tyion: Yes, lots of brothers of the Watch have been going missing recently. There is a Cabot Cove, Maine level of unexpected crime and mischief up here these days. Still, best not to dwell on dark shit like that. I'm hungry. Let's go get some food.
And so they go to get some food from the Common Hall. Jon picks a bench far away from everyone else who he hates and sits down with Tyrion to eat. But just as Jon is getting his eat on...
Thorne: Lord Snow, you stupid bastard, the Lord Commander wants to see you. A raven has arrived. It's about your half-brother.
Jon: What? Bran?! OH NO!!!! Has he... *sniff*...
Tyrion: --My sypathies, Jon.
Jon jumps up from his chair and goes to the Lord Commander's Keep. There the Commander, Jeor Mormont, hands Jon the note.
Jon: OH SHIT! Bran's alive! He's alive! FUCK YEEEEAAAAAAA!!!!
Raven Alive! Alive! Also, corn.
Jon rushes back to the Common Hall and starts dancing and high five-ing everyone.
Jon: He's alive! Bran's alive!
Grenn: What the fuck did Lord Snow just high five me for? His half brother isn't dead and he thinks that means we get to be best friends now?
Jon: Oh, I'm so sorry for being a douche, Grenn. I can teach you how to defend from that move that I used to fuck up your hand with.
Thorne: Please, you could teach a crippled boy to warg into a wolf and learn to juggle before you could teach these shitty kids proper swordsplay.
Jon: Oh, let's make a wager on that because I bet I'm a better trainer than you.
Everyone in the Hall: OH SNAP!!!
They start laughing and pointing at Thorne.
Thorne: Oh, I am going to spend my ever last breath thinking of ways to fuck this kid over.
Raven: No seriously people, I want some fucking corn.
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