Bran: I cannot wait! Now that I am a mature seven years old, I finally get to see my pops behead a guy. This is going to be sweet. But the best part of this whole thing is that it's happening outside of Winterfell. Like a thirty minute walk outside of Winterfell. And I love walking. So much. The ability to walk is the best. I wish I could walk everywhere and not have to ride around on stupid ponies.
Robb: I wonder who this dude being beheaded is anyway. Probably some Wildling.
Bran: Yeah, fuck those guys, that's what Old Nan says. Oh no, hey wait. He looks like he's wearing those Night's Watch clothes like Uncle Benjen. I love Uncle Benjen. He can walk, just like me.
Lord Eddard: Hey you, Theon, my very trustworthy ward. Hand me my sword, Ice!
Theon: Wow, Ice, huh? That's what we're calling this thing? A bit literal. Oh fuck this thing is heavy! You could probably melt it into two swords if you really wanted.
Eddard: Shhh! Well now, Mysterious Unnamed Guy who is missing both ears and a finger, do you have anything to say for yourself?
Bran: Wow, did you notice that guy was missing both ears and a finger?
Robb: Yeah, I totally noticed that he was missing both ears and a finger. Probably frostbite or something.
"Mysterious" Unnamed Guy: The dead are walking! It's the end of days! You can call me crazy, but it's true!
Everyone: You're crazy.
Eddard: I find you guilty.
Eddard raises his sword into the air.
Jon Snow: Don't flinch Bran. Two for flinching.
Eddard drops the blade and it cuts the dude's head clean off and it rolls to Theon's feet. Theon kicks it.
Theon: GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!!
Jon: I fuckin' hate that dude. Anyway, good job on the not flinching, Bran. Dad would be so proud of how you vicariously watch people die without feeling any emotion. It's definitely a positive trait and not at all the first step to the breeding of a sociopath.
The retinue then starts the trek back to Winterfell, having enjoying their family picnic/beheading.
Jon: Hey Robb, so do you think that dude died bravely or like a punk?
Robb: I don't know. But let's argue about it in a super competitive but fun-loving way that's appropriate for half-brothers and then race each other into the distance.
They do so.
Eddard: So Bran, you have a good time?
Bran: Oh hell yeah, daddy-o. That was a great execution.
Eddard: Do you know why I executed him?
Bran: Uhh... cuz he's a Wildling?
Eddard: No son, it's because he was a deserter in the Night's Watch. And here in the North we ain't no bitches. If I sentence a man to death, then I must also be the one to do the deed. We roll hard here in Winterfell. *beats fist against chest*
Jon: HEY! HEY EVERYBODY! COME HERE! Check out this sick ass shit me and Robb just found!
Bran: Oh shit, look, it's a dead fucking Horse Dog. That thing is huge!
Jon: It's called a "direwolf." It's on the banner of the House Stark and everything. Why am I telling you all this? You're the Starks. You should know.
Theon: While we're providing exposition, I might as well mention that nobody has seen one of those south of the Wall for 200 years.
Robb: Hey, check this out too everyone!
Robb pulls out a very much alive puppy.
Bran: OMG, so cute!
Jon: Look! Here's another one! Oh crap! There are a bunch of them!
Eddard: Hrm, it looks like this direwolf mother has an antler in its throat. I'm going to CSI this shit. Hrm... must have been killed in a fight with a stag. I will choose to read absolutely nothing symbolic into this.
Bran: Can we keep them? Can we keep them? I think we should adopt all of the direwolf puppies!
Eddard: Well now Bran, that's a big responsibility. I suppose you can keep them if you promise to nurse them, feed them, take them for walks, groom their hair, and don't allow the TV series to under-utilize them and kill them all off prematurely because they're too cheap with their CG budget.
Bran: I promise! I promise!
Robb: Yeah, we'll take good care of these puppers. I'll never allow mine to be far away from me. I'll keep him close. Very close. So very close. Almost like he's attached to me. You could even say sewn to my body.
Theon: Sick dude.
Jon: Oh hey look! There is one more. A sixth one. And this one is white! I think I'll keep it for myself.
Theon: Yeah, what a coincidence. Five normal direwolves and one different white one. Just like there are five legitimate Stark children and one different bastard. Have we established that yet? That you're a bastard half-brother, Jon?
Jon: Well, we have now. That's for sure!
Robb: I wonder who this dude being beheaded is anyway. Probably some Wildling.
Bran: Yeah, fuck those guys, that's what Old Nan says. Oh no, hey wait. He looks like he's wearing those Night's Watch clothes like Uncle Benjen. I love Uncle Benjen. He can walk, just like me.
Lord Eddard: Hey you, Theon, my very trustworthy ward. Hand me my sword, Ice!
Theon: Wow, Ice, huh? That's what we're calling this thing? A bit literal. Oh fuck this thing is heavy! You could probably melt it into two swords if you really wanted.
Eddard: Shhh! Well now, Mysterious Unnamed Guy who is missing both ears and a finger, do you have anything to say for yourself?
Bran: Wow, did you notice that guy was missing both ears and a finger?
Robb: Yeah, I totally noticed that he was missing both ears and a finger. Probably frostbite or something.
"Mysterious" Unnamed Guy: The dead are walking! It's the end of days! You can call me crazy, but it's true!
Everyone: You're crazy.
Eddard: I find you guilty.
Eddard raises his sword into the air.
Jon Snow: Don't flinch Bran. Two for flinching.
Eddard drops the blade and it cuts the dude's head clean off and it rolls to Theon's feet. Theon kicks it.
Theon: GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!!
Jon: I fuckin' hate that dude. Anyway, good job on the not flinching, Bran. Dad would be so proud of how you vicariously watch people die without feeling any emotion. It's definitely a positive trait and not at all the first step to the breeding of a sociopath.
The retinue then starts the trek back to Winterfell, having enjoying their family picnic/beheading.
Jon: Hey Robb, so do you think that dude died bravely or like a punk?
Robb: I don't know. But let's argue about it in a super competitive but fun-loving way that's appropriate for half-brothers and then race each other into the distance.
They do so.
Eddard: So Bran, you have a good time?
Bran: Oh hell yeah, daddy-o. That was a great execution.
Eddard: Do you know why I executed him?
Bran: Uhh... cuz he's a Wildling?
Eddard: No son, it's because he was a deserter in the Night's Watch. And here in the North we ain't no bitches. If I sentence a man to death, then I must also be the one to do the deed. We roll hard here in Winterfell. *beats fist against chest*
Jon: HEY! HEY EVERYBODY! COME HERE! Check out this sick ass shit me and Robb just found!
Bran: Oh shit, look, it's a dead fucking Horse Dog. That thing is huge!
Jon: It's called a "direwolf." It's on the banner of the House Stark and everything. Why am I telling you all this? You're the Starks. You should know.
Theon: While we're providing exposition, I might as well mention that nobody has seen one of those south of the Wall for 200 years.
Robb: Hey, check this out too everyone!
Robb pulls out a very much alive puppy.
Bran: OMG, so cute!
Jon: Look! Here's another one! Oh crap! There are a bunch of them!
Eddard: Hrm, it looks like this direwolf mother has an antler in its throat. I'm going to CSI this shit. Hrm... must have been killed in a fight with a stag. I will choose to read absolutely nothing symbolic into this.
Bran: Can we keep them? Can we keep them? I think we should adopt all of the direwolf puppies!
Eddard: Well now Bran, that's a big responsibility. I suppose you can keep them if you promise to nurse them, feed them, take them for walks, groom their hair, and don't allow the TV series to under-utilize them and kill them all off prematurely because they're too cheap with their CG budget.
Bran: I promise! I promise!
Robb: Yeah, we'll take good care of these puppers. I'll never allow mine to be far away from me. I'll keep him close. Very close. So very close. Almost like he's attached to me. You could even say sewn to my body.
Theon: Sick dude.
Jon: Oh hey look! There is one more. A sixth one. And this one is white! I think I'll keep it for myself.
Theon: Yeah, what a coincidence. Five normal direwolves and one different white one. Just like there are five legitimate Stark children and one different bastard. Have we established that yet? That you're a bastard half-brother, Jon?
Jon: Well, we have now. That's for sure!
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