Tyrion is at a feast in the Lord Commander's chamber, yukking it up while drinking wine and eating crabs.
Mormont: Oh man, Tyrion. Do you have to go tomorrow? You're hilarious. We could use men like you up on the Wall!
Tyrion: Oh, you need men like me? Well then I'll make sure to tell all the imps of the Seven Kingdoms to come here.
They all laugh and eat more crab. I know that joke didn't sound all that hilarious but you just had to be there, man. You're coming in all "in media res." You're missing context. One person who is not laughing though is fucking Alliser Thorne.
Thorne: This Imp mocks us and he mocks the Night's Watch.
Tyrion: Oh come now, everyone needs a little mocking. And how did you get your name? Was it based on the giant thorn up your ass?
Everyone else cracks up.
Thorne: Fuck that, you wanna fight or something? I can fight you!
Tyrion: Yes, let's!
Tyrion pulls out his tiny little crab fork for pulling meat out of claws and pokes Allister with it. The whole room laughs again as Throne walks away, fuming.
Tyrion: Dibs on his crab! To the victor go the spoils!
Mormont: Oh man, that was some hilarious shit there.
Tyrion: Speaking of shit, Thorne should be cleaning the stables rather than being the man-at-arms. Serious, fuck that dude.
Mormont: Plenty of people can clean up shit. Thorne is one of the few actual knights we have here. Quite frankly, our ranks suck these days.
Jaremy Rykker: Aye, Thorne and I fought for the Mad King back in the day. Then your father Tywin marched into town and gave us the option of taking up the black or dying.
Tyrion: Yeah, sorry. My dad is quite a dick. Some more wine, please!
Bowen Marsh: You've got quite the appetite for such a small man, Tyrion.
Maester Aemon: Oh, I think he's actually quite a giant among us.
Everyone suddenly goes quiet. Aemon is the wise, old Maester of Castle Black and everyone listens to what he has to say. He's over 100, bald, and totally blind.
Jaremy: Uh, Aemon. You're blind so I just want to tell you that he's actually quite tiny.
Mormont smacks Jaremy in the head.
Mormont: He's speaking metaphorically!
Tyrion: Well, thank you good Maester. I think that's the first time anyone has ever called me a giant. You're quite kind.
Aemon: And that's the first time anyone has ever called me kind!
Everyone laughs again. See? Even the old guy is in on this. Fun times!
Mormont: But seriously, Tyrion. We need you to put in a good word with the King and your father. We're dying up here. The Night's Watch is running out of men. We need them to send us men! Barely anyone here can read. Barely anyone can think or lead. We've all got a bunch of dumbasses here. Present company excluded, of course.
Tyrion: I'll... do what I can.
Tyrion will, but he sort of immediately knew once he got back everyone would laugh in his face.
Mormont: It will be Winter soon. Winter is Coming! You don't know how bad it will be then.
Tyrion: Oh man, on that depressing note, I think it's time to call it a night.
Mormont: Well, like I said. We're going to miss you! On your way back to Winterfell, we'll make sure to give you an escort.
Tyrion: Ah, will it include Jon Snow? I'm sure he'd love to see his family again.
Mormont: No. He's got to put his family aside. We brothers of the Watch are his only family now. It's best to leave that all behind. You think I don't want to help my family out? I mean it's all gone to shit for the Mormonts of Bear Island since my son, Jorah, had to flee the country.
Tyrion accepts it for what it is, and eventually takes leave of the Commander's room. But instead of going to bed, he walks to the giant elevator that takes people up to the top of the Wall. He wants to see it all one last time. Because why not?
He yanks the little chain indicating he wants to go up. The ride is slow. He sees the Lord Commander's tower. Soon after, he sees the distant lights of the nearby Mole's Town. Beyond that there is very little but darkness. Eventually, he reaches the top.
Wall Guard: Oh hey look! The Imp made a super smart decision to come to the top of a 700-foot tall, ice-covered wall while he's completely drunk.
Tyrion: Yes, I always make good decisions.
Tyrion walks along in the cold until he comes upon a brother watching the wall... a brother with his pet direwolf.
Jon Snow: Oh shit, Tyrion man. Whattup? Wasn't sure I'd see you again.
Tyrion: Well, of course I had to say goodbye. So how is your training with the men going?
Jon: They're getting better. Even Pyp.
Tyrion: Who the fuck is Pyp? One of the guys who was fighting with you before that didn't have a name in an earlier chapter?
Jon: Retroactively, let's just say yes. One of those was Pyp.
Tyrion: Hey, is there any message I can bring back to Winterfell for you? I'll be stopping there on the way down.
Jon: Oh shit, yeah. Tell Robb he needs to send me a box of Kit Kat bars. Or two boxes maybe. Tell Rickon he can have all my shit but don't let him have the porno mags until he's older. Tell Septon Chayle I'm sorry about those library books I lost. Tell Theon that I still fucking hate him. Tell Jeyne Poole that no I don't want to date her because she looks too much like my sister, Arya. Tell Hullen that all those practical jokes with the horses was me. No wait. Jeyne Poole and Hullen went down to King's Landing with father now that I think about it so they wouldn't be in Winterfell anymore. So instead of doing that, maybe you should tell--
Tyrion: --Uhm, maybe just keep the requests down to like one or two people. I didn't bring a notepad up here with me.
Jon: Just tell Bran, you know, whatever. Find a way to make him feel better like you made me feel better. You always pull out that deep shit. You're such a bro, man.
Jon takes off his glove and reaches out his hand. Tyrion responds and does the same. They shake. Then they instantly put the gloves back on because it's really fucking cold.
They stare off beyond the Wall into the darkness where wolves howl.
Jon: Oh man, I wish Benjen would come back. If he doesn't... I might have to go out and find him.
Tyrion: Then who will go out and find you?
Jon: What?
Tyrion: Oh, sorry. Did I say that aloud? I thought I was internalizing.
Mormont: Oh man, Tyrion. Do you have to go tomorrow? You're hilarious. We could use men like you up on the Wall!
Tyrion: Oh, you need men like me? Well then I'll make sure to tell all the imps of the Seven Kingdoms to come here.
They all laugh and eat more crab. I know that joke didn't sound all that hilarious but you just had to be there, man. You're coming in all "in media res." You're missing context. One person who is not laughing though is fucking Alliser Thorne.
Thorne: This Imp mocks us and he mocks the Night's Watch.
Tyrion: Oh come now, everyone needs a little mocking. And how did you get your name? Was it based on the giant thorn up your ass?
Everyone else cracks up.
Thorne: Fuck that, you wanna fight or something? I can fight you!
Tyrion: Yes, let's!
Tyrion pulls out his tiny little crab fork for pulling meat out of claws and pokes Allister with it. The whole room laughs again as Throne walks away, fuming.
Tyrion: Dibs on his crab! To the victor go the spoils!
Mormont: Oh man, that was some hilarious shit there.
Tyrion: Speaking of shit, Thorne should be cleaning the stables rather than being the man-at-arms. Serious, fuck that dude.
Mormont: Plenty of people can clean up shit. Thorne is one of the few actual knights we have here. Quite frankly, our ranks suck these days.
Jaremy Rykker: Aye, Thorne and I fought for the Mad King back in the day. Then your father Tywin marched into town and gave us the option of taking up the black or dying.
Tyrion: Yeah, sorry. My dad is quite a dick. Some more wine, please!
Bowen Marsh: You've got quite the appetite for such a small man, Tyrion.
Maester Aemon: Oh, I think he's actually quite a giant among us.
Everyone suddenly goes quiet. Aemon is the wise, old Maester of Castle Black and everyone listens to what he has to say. He's over 100, bald, and totally blind.
Jaremy: Uh, Aemon. You're blind so I just want to tell you that he's actually quite tiny.
Mormont smacks Jaremy in the head.
Mormont: He's speaking metaphorically!
Tyrion: Well, thank you good Maester. I think that's the first time anyone has ever called me a giant. You're quite kind.
Aemon: And that's the first time anyone has ever called me kind!
Everyone laughs again. See? Even the old guy is in on this. Fun times!
Mormont: But seriously, Tyrion. We need you to put in a good word with the King and your father. We're dying up here. The Night's Watch is running out of men. We need them to send us men! Barely anyone here can read. Barely anyone can think or lead. We've all got a bunch of dumbasses here. Present company excluded, of course.
Tyrion: I'll... do what I can.
Tyrion will, but he sort of immediately knew once he got back everyone would laugh in his face.
Mormont: It will be Winter soon. Winter is Coming! You don't know how bad it will be then.
Tyrion: Oh man, on that depressing note, I think it's time to call it a night.
Mormont: Well, like I said. We're going to miss you! On your way back to Winterfell, we'll make sure to give you an escort.
Tyrion: Ah, will it include Jon Snow? I'm sure he'd love to see his family again.
Mormont: No. He's got to put his family aside. We brothers of the Watch are his only family now. It's best to leave that all behind. You think I don't want to help my family out? I mean it's all gone to shit for the Mormonts of Bear Island since my son, Jorah, had to flee the country.
Tyrion accepts it for what it is, and eventually takes leave of the Commander's room. But instead of going to bed, he walks to the giant elevator that takes people up to the top of the Wall. He wants to see it all one last time. Because why not?
He yanks the little chain indicating he wants to go up. The ride is slow. He sees the Lord Commander's tower. Soon after, he sees the distant lights of the nearby Mole's Town. Beyond that there is very little but darkness. Eventually, he reaches the top.
Wall Guard: Oh hey look! The Imp made a super smart decision to come to the top of a 700-foot tall, ice-covered wall while he's completely drunk.
Tyrion: Yes, I always make good decisions.
Tyrion walks along in the cold until he comes upon a brother watching the wall... a brother with his pet direwolf.
Jon Snow: Oh shit, Tyrion man. Whattup? Wasn't sure I'd see you again.
Tyrion: Well, of course I had to say goodbye. So how is your training with the men going?
Jon: They're getting better. Even Pyp.
Tyrion: Who the fuck is Pyp? One of the guys who was fighting with you before that didn't have a name in an earlier chapter?
Jon: Retroactively, let's just say yes. One of those was Pyp.
Tyrion: Hey, is there any message I can bring back to Winterfell for you? I'll be stopping there on the way down.
Jon: Oh shit, yeah. Tell Robb he needs to send me a box of Kit Kat bars. Or two boxes maybe. Tell Rickon he can have all my shit but don't let him have the porno mags until he's older. Tell Septon Chayle I'm sorry about those library books I lost. Tell Theon that I still fucking hate him. Tell Jeyne Poole that no I don't want to date her because she looks too much like my sister, Arya. Tell Hullen that all those practical jokes with the horses was me. No wait. Jeyne Poole and Hullen went down to King's Landing with father now that I think about it so they wouldn't be in Winterfell anymore. So instead of doing that, maybe you should tell--
Tyrion: --Uhm, maybe just keep the requests down to like one or two people. I didn't bring a notepad up here with me.
Jon: Just tell Bran, you know, whatever. Find a way to make him feel better like you made me feel better. You always pull out that deep shit. You're such a bro, man.
Jon takes off his glove and reaches out his hand. Tyrion responds and does the same. They shake. Then they instantly put the gloves back on because it's really fucking cold.
They stare off beyond the Wall into the darkness where wolves howl.
Jon: Oh man, I wish Benjen would come back. If he doesn't... I might have to go out and find him.
Tyrion: Then who will go out and find you?
Jon: What?
Tyrion: Oh, sorry. Did I say that aloud? I thought I was internalizing.
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