Jon Snow, bastard of Winterfell, sits at a back table with a bunch of lowly squires for the feast for King Robert. And he's totally glad about that.
Jon: Oh man, if I was one of those legitimate children I'd have to be up there on stage, putting on a show and having everyone look at me. I mean just look at my brothers and sisters up there - Robb, Sansa, Arya, Bran and Rickon. Having to hang out with those Baratheon kids - Joffrey, Myrcella and Tommen. I would much rather just sit back here at drink as much as I want.
He pours himself some more wine. This brother is getting tore the fuck up.
Jon: Oh yeah, and being back here also allows me to do this!
Jon grabs an entire chicken and throws it under the table, feeding it to his newly named doggo, Ghost. Another dog smells the chicken and starts to head over, but Ghost will have none of that shit.
Ghost: *growl* [Translation: Do not fuck with me, bitch.]
Benjen Stark: Whattup Johnny?
Jon: Oh! Uncle Jenben! Howsch you doing my my man? I was jusch back here chillin and... uhh... I forget. Whasch are we talkshing about?
Benjen: Oh dude, I can smell your breath. You are drunk as shit! Hahaha, that's cool though. I was probably younger than you the first time I got shitfaced. And that's not to mention all that coke I used to do. Oh hey... is that your direwolf?
Jon: Yeah! I named him Ghosht! Becaushe he's white. But also becaushe he's all shtealthy.
Benjen: Cool, cool. You know we have direwolves north of the wall. I hear them when I'm out patrolling.
Jon: You're the best, Benjen. Being in the Nightsh Watch is sho aweshome.
Benjen: So why aren't you up on the dais with your family?
Jon: Oh, the shame old. Cat fucking hates me. I think she's using the excuse that it would be rude to put a bashtard up on shtage with a king. But fuck that ho.
Benjen: Whoa, calm down there drunky. Calm those slurred "s"es. You're starting to get rowdy. Not like your dad up there. He looks miserable.
Jon: Yeah, and look at Cersei with her reshting... *ahem*... resting bitch face too. She's angry as hell. Probably all hating on the fact that the King went down to the crypt to pay last respects to my aunt.
Benjen: You mean your mom?
Jon: What?
Benjen: Huh? What? No, I said you were right. Your aunt. Yeah, forget it. Let's keep going. You're very observant. We could use someone like you on the Wall.
Jon: Oh please! Take me with you when you head back up there! I want to join the Night's Watch.
Benjen: The Wall is a hard place for a boy. No women up there. You know what I mean.
Jon: Boy? Please! I'm, like, a fully grown man! I'm almost 15!
Benjen: Jesus, really? I keep forgetting how damn young everyone is in these books.
Jon: All my brothers and sisters... they will be able to become something. Robb will be Warden of the North one day. And Bran and Rickon his bannermen. Sansa and Arya will marry lords. Me? I'm a bastard. I've got nothing. I want to join the Night's Watch and make something of myself.
Benjen: Haha, maybe one day. You need to live a little first though. Maybe pop your cherry. Once you get a taste for that you might think twice about going to a place where you have to swear off women. Maybe father a few bastards of your own.
Jon: NO!
Jon slams the table and knocks a bunch of shit over. Everyone starts staring at him.
Jon: I will NOT do that! I will never father a bastard! Bastards are the worst! Their lives are terrible! I could never do that to a kid!
Benjen: Wow, you get a bit self-hating when you're drunk, huh boy?
Jon: SCREW YOU, OLD MAN! I don't need to hear this! I'm going to go get some fresh air.
Jon stumbles away from the table, and in doing so knocks over a bunch of other shit and trips over himself, face planting to the ground. Shamed and holding back tears, he runs outside.
Ghost: *whine* [Translation: Oh great, now I got to follow my drunk ass master out just as I was getting to the dark meat.]
Outside, Jon tries to use the cold air to sober up when he catches glimpse of a a dwarf standing on a ledge.
Jon: Are you Tyrion Lannister?
Tyrion: Nah, I'm some other dwarf. Hahahahaha, just fucking with you kid. Of course I am. Hey, check this out!
Tyrion does some acrobatic vault flip shit like Gabby Douglas and lands down from the ledge.
Jon: Wow, that is so stereotypical to depict dwarfs as doing carnival performance tricks for no reason at all. I am really, really glad that the TV show dropped that.
Tyrion: Oh fuuuuck, is that a direwolf? That thing is almost as big as me and it's a baby. Can I pet it?
Ghost: *growl* [Translation: No.]
Jon: Sure! Come on boy! It's okay.
Ghost: *sniffs* [Translation: Okay, I shall do this, but cautiously.]
Tyrion: So, you're Ned Stark's bastard, huh?
Jon: Dafuq?
Tyrion: Sorry, I usually speak pretty freely. I didn't mean to offend you. I mean I'm sort of a bastard too. All dwarves are bastards in their father's eyes. Did you like that? Huh? That was a pretty goddamn profound statement, if I do say so myself. I'm full of deep shit like that. So why did you leave the feast?
Jon: Because I fucking hate everyone there. Why did you leave the feast?
Tyrion: Ditto.
Jon: Oh man, if I was one of those legitimate children I'd have to be up there on stage, putting on a show and having everyone look at me. I mean just look at my brothers and sisters up there - Robb, Sansa, Arya, Bran and Rickon. Having to hang out with those Baratheon kids - Joffrey, Myrcella and Tommen. I would much rather just sit back here at drink as much as I want.
He pours himself some more wine. This brother is getting tore the fuck up.
Jon: Oh yeah, and being back here also allows me to do this!
Jon grabs an entire chicken and throws it under the table, feeding it to his newly named doggo, Ghost. Another dog smells the chicken and starts to head over, but Ghost will have none of that shit.
Ghost: *growl* [Translation: Do not fuck with me, bitch.]
Benjen Stark: Whattup Johnny?
Jon: Oh! Uncle Jenben! Howsch you doing my my man? I was jusch back here chillin and... uhh... I forget. Whasch are we talkshing about?
Benjen: Oh dude, I can smell your breath. You are drunk as shit! Hahaha, that's cool though. I was probably younger than you the first time I got shitfaced. And that's not to mention all that coke I used to do. Oh hey... is that your direwolf?
Jon: Yeah! I named him Ghosht! Becaushe he's white. But also becaushe he's all shtealthy.
Benjen: Cool, cool. You know we have direwolves north of the wall. I hear them when I'm out patrolling.
Jon: You're the best, Benjen. Being in the Nightsh Watch is sho aweshome.
Benjen: So why aren't you up on the dais with your family?
Jon: Oh, the shame old. Cat fucking hates me. I think she's using the excuse that it would be rude to put a bashtard up on shtage with a king. But fuck that ho.
Benjen: Whoa, calm down there drunky. Calm those slurred "s"es. You're starting to get rowdy. Not like your dad up there. He looks miserable.
Jon: Yeah, and look at Cersei with her reshting... *ahem*... resting bitch face too. She's angry as hell. Probably all hating on the fact that the King went down to the crypt to pay last respects to my aunt.
Benjen: You mean your mom?
Jon: What?
Benjen: Huh? What? No, I said you were right. Your aunt. Yeah, forget it. Let's keep going. You're very observant. We could use someone like you on the Wall.
Jon: Oh please! Take me with you when you head back up there! I want to join the Night's Watch.
Benjen: The Wall is a hard place for a boy. No women up there. You know what I mean.
Jon: Boy? Please! I'm, like, a fully grown man! I'm almost 15!
Benjen: Jesus, really? I keep forgetting how damn young everyone is in these books.
Jon: All my brothers and sisters... they will be able to become something. Robb will be Warden of the North one day. And Bran and Rickon his bannermen. Sansa and Arya will marry lords. Me? I'm a bastard. I've got nothing. I want to join the Night's Watch and make something of myself.
Benjen: Haha, maybe one day. You need to live a little first though. Maybe pop your cherry. Once you get a taste for that you might think twice about going to a place where you have to swear off women. Maybe father a few bastards of your own.
Jon: NO!
Jon slams the table and knocks a bunch of shit over. Everyone starts staring at him.
Jon: I will NOT do that! I will never father a bastard! Bastards are the worst! Their lives are terrible! I could never do that to a kid!
Benjen: Wow, you get a bit self-hating when you're drunk, huh boy?
Jon: SCREW YOU, OLD MAN! I don't need to hear this! I'm going to go get some fresh air.
Jon stumbles away from the table, and in doing so knocks over a bunch of other shit and trips over himself, face planting to the ground. Shamed and holding back tears, he runs outside.
Ghost: *whine* [Translation: Oh great, now I got to follow my drunk ass master out just as I was getting to the dark meat.]
Outside, Jon tries to use the cold air to sober up when he catches glimpse of a a dwarf standing on a ledge.
Jon: Are you Tyrion Lannister?
Tyrion: Nah, I'm some other dwarf. Hahahahaha, just fucking with you kid. Of course I am. Hey, check this out!
Tyrion does some acrobatic vault flip shit like Gabby Douglas and lands down from the ledge.
Jon: Wow, that is so stereotypical to depict dwarfs as doing carnival performance tricks for no reason at all. I am really, really glad that the TV show dropped that.
Tyrion: Oh fuuuuck, is that a direwolf? That thing is almost as big as me and it's a baby. Can I pet it?
Ghost: *growl* [Translation: No.]
Jon: Sure! Come on boy! It's okay.
Ghost: *sniffs* [Translation: Okay, I shall do this, but cautiously.]
Tyrion: So, you're Ned Stark's bastard, huh?
Jon: Dafuq?
Tyrion: Sorry, I usually speak pretty freely. I didn't mean to offend you. I mean I'm sort of a bastard too. All dwarves are bastards in their father's eyes. Did you like that? Huh? That was a pretty goddamn profound statement, if I do say so myself. I'm full of deep shit like that. So why did you leave the feast?
Jon: Because I fucking hate everyone there. Why did you leave the feast?
Tyrion: Ditto.
No comments:
Post a Comment