Eight days after Ned has left Winterfell, Cat has officially lost her damn mind. She's been sitting with Bran the whole time, waiting for him to magically get better. But that ain't happening. She won't leave the room or tend to any of the matters of the castle.
Maester Luwin: M'am, I need you to review these figures from the banquet. It was very expensive. I think to make up for the costs of King Robert's visit we're going to have to--
Cat: --The cost? THE COST? Oh, I know very well what "the cost" of Robert's visit was. THIS. RIGHT HERE.
She points at Bran.
Luwin: Yikes.
Cat: Let the steward worry about crap like that!
Luwin: Vayon Poole left with Lord Stark, m'lady. There are a number of other empty positions as well that need to be filled.
Cat: I can't deal with that shit right now! My son is dying and you want me to find a new steward and review numbers? Fuck that! I swear, I will pull on your stupid Maester chain and strangle you if you--
Robb: --Maester Luwin, I will look after those figures for you. And whatever else you need from me. You know, stuff like running the entire castle while my crazy ass mom has her psychotic breakdown. This sounds like the type of stuff that should be entrusted to a 14 year old boy.
Luwin: Very well, ser.
Luwin leaves and Robb and his mom are there together with Bran.
Robb: What the hell, mom? You're going to have to leave some time. You didn't even say bye to dad.
Cat: Whatever. I saw him depart through the window. Good enough. I can't leave. Bran needs me. If he dies while I'm gone... why... why... I don't know what I'd do.
Robb: You heard the masters, mom. He won't die. And your other children need you too, mom. Rickon thinks everyone has abandoned him and is crying like a bitch. And I... well... I need you too!
Sitcom Audience: Awwwwwwwww!!!!
Bran's Unnamed Direwolf Outside the Window: *HOWL* [Translation: Get better soon, Bran! XOXO. You still need to name me].
The other wolves howl too.
Cat: Ugh. Someone please shut those fucking things up.
Robb: I think they're good for Bran, mom. It's like the puppers are watching over him. Helping him.
Then a bunch of dogs start barking too.
Robb: That is an unusual amount of barking though now. Odd.
He looks out the window. The library tower is on fire.
Robb: OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT! Someone get a bucket of water! Septon Chayle is going to be so pissed!
Robb runs out to go attend to the fire. He closes the door behind him. From behind the door emerges a filthy vagrant with an expensive knife.
Vagrant: Damnit, you weren't supposed to be here, lady! Everyone was supposed to go put out that fire.
Cat: Get away! GET AWAY!
He moves closer with the knife.
Vagrant: Killing him will be a mercy. Stand aside or I'll kill you too!
Cat starts to scream, but the vagrant brings the knife up to her throat. She bites his hand and the two get into a tussle.
Vagrant: AGHH!!! Damnit!
He pulls some of her hair out while she grabs at the knife, pushing it away but slicing her fingers on the blade. Just as all seems lost and she's about to get a good knifin'...
Bran's Unnamed Direwolf: *Woof* [Not so fast, asshole!]
The direwolf has snuck through the castle and up to Bran's room. He leaps up and attacks the vagrant.
Vagrant: AGH SHIT! AGH SHIT! NO! HE'S EATING MY NECK! OH GOD! HE'S TEARING OUT MY VOCAL CORDS! OH GOD! I'M DYING! I'M DYING!
Blood squirts all over the place, splattering all over Cat's face. She's kind of into it and tastes it on her lips.
Cat: Odd how he was still talking.
Vagrant: I WASN'T. YOU WERE JUST IMAGINING IT. YOU'RE HAVING A PSYCHOTIC FIT.
The Vagrant lay on the floor dead. The direwolf jumps up in the bed and lay next to Bran.
Cat: Uhh... good boy? I guess you're allowed here now, whenever you want.
Bran's Unnamed Direwolf: *sniff* [You're damn right.]
Cat is taken back to her bedchamber after all the excitement. Old Nan gives her a bath and Luwin treats her wounds. He also gives her some milk of the poppy. Which is a fancy Westerosi way of saying that she's doing opium.
She falls asleep for four days. When she wakes up...
Robb: Welcome back mom!
Cat: Oh wow, that was some strong shit. I had this terrible dream that Bran was in a coma and my husband left with our daughters.
Robb: Nope, that was real.
Cat: Fuck. Anyway, I'm so ashamed of how I acted. You were right, Robb. I should have been there for you and Rickon. Hey wait! I see you're wearing armor and a sword now. And you're accompanied by Theon, Ser Rodrick Cassel, Luwin, and Hallis Mollen.
Robb: Yeah, Hallis is the new captain of the guard. I stepped up and took control while you were asleep. Shit is going smooth now.
Cat: I'm so proud of you, son.
Robb: Thanks. And while you were asleep we launched an investigation into that vagabond who tried to kill you.
Cat: Me? No way. He was after Bran.
Robb: Bran?! Who would want to kill Bran?
Cat: You're a lord now. You have to figure out those questions yourself.
Robb: No kidding. It's a good thing I watched dad when he did all that CSI shit. Anyway... we found the vagabond's hiding place. In was in the stables. He had ninety silver stags hidden there. We asked some questions. People had seen him around, but nobody knew who he was.
Cat: Dayum... ninety silver stags? For Bran? I might have killed him myself for that. Sorry. No. I take that back. Gallows humor. The only way to survive up here.
Robb: My theory is that someone probably wanted to kill Bran... TO SILENCE HIM FOR SOMETHING HE SAW!
DUNN DUNN DUNNNNNNNN!
Cat: Pretty good theory, son. You're catching on to this Inspector Stark thing really quick.
Robb: But by who? Obviously someone rich! Just look at this knife! Fine Valyrian steel blade with a dragonbone handle.
Cat looks around suspiciously.
Cat: The men in this room... do you trust them all?
Theon: What the hell? We're right here!
Rodrick: We've known you forever!
Hallis: Honestly, I can't even remember who I am or if you should trust me.
Luwin: I've already been read-in to this intel, so whatever.
Robb: They're as much Starks as we are, mother. I'd trust them with my life. Especially Theon. A very trustworthy one, him.
She leans in and whispers.
Cat: Ned and I received a letter. From my sister. It accused the Lannisters of secretly murdering her husband, Jon Arryn.
Everyone gasps.
Robb: Hey, the Lannisters are rich!
Cat: That's right. And do you know who DIDN'T go on the hunting trip that day with King Robert and was hence back here at the castle? The Kingslayer, Jamie Lannister!
Robb: Oh wow, that's right. I remember now. You know now that I think about it, Cersei didn't go out either.
Cat: We all know Bran never falls. He's too good at climbing! I think he was pushed by Jamie!
Robb: Right, right. And the thing he saw that the Lannisters wanted to cover up could have been Jamie and Cersei having sex or something.
Everyone in the room looks at Robb with shock and disgust.
Theon: Eww.
Rodrick: Too far, Robb. Too far.
Hallis: Yeah man, gross.
Luwin: Very unlikely.
Cat: Uhm, Robb. Your CSI'ing is getting pretty good... but you've got a long way to go before you're as good as your father. But right now all we have is conjecture and theories. We need proof. And we also need Ned to hear this. We need to send someone down to King's Landing to let him know.
Robb: Great! I think we'll send--
Cat: --Me, it will be me.
Robb: Oh.
Cat: And I bet I can beat him there! I'll take a ship rather than ride down the Kingsroad!
Robb: Oh. Good idea. Why the hell doesn't everyone else just do that?
They look around at each other and shrug.
Luwin: Uh... I guess maybe the party is too big for a ship?
Robb: It's the King! He has a whole fleet. They could take multiple ships.
Everyone stands around just confused and thinking really hard about why Robert, Ned and crew are taking a multi-week journey by land when there is a much faster and sensible sea option.
Maester Luwin: M'am, I need you to review these figures from the banquet. It was very expensive. I think to make up for the costs of King Robert's visit we're going to have to--
Cat: --The cost? THE COST? Oh, I know very well what "the cost" of Robert's visit was. THIS. RIGHT HERE.
She points at Bran.
Luwin: Yikes.
Cat: Let the steward worry about crap like that!
Luwin: Vayon Poole left with Lord Stark, m'lady. There are a number of other empty positions as well that need to be filled.
Cat: I can't deal with that shit right now! My son is dying and you want me to find a new steward and review numbers? Fuck that! I swear, I will pull on your stupid Maester chain and strangle you if you--
Robb: --Maester Luwin, I will look after those figures for you. And whatever else you need from me. You know, stuff like running the entire castle while my crazy ass mom has her psychotic breakdown. This sounds like the type of stuff that should be entrusted to a 14 year old boy.
Luwin: Very well, ser.
Luwin leaves and Robb and his mom are there together with Bran.
Robb: What the hell, mom? You're going to have to leave some time. You didn't even say bye to dad.
Cat: Whatever. I saw him depart through the window. Good enough. I can't leave. Bran needs me. If he dies while I'm gone... why... why... I don't know what I'd do.
Robb: You heard the masters, mom. He won't die. And your other children need you too, mom. Rickon thinks everyone has abandoned him and is crying like a bitch. And I... well... I need you too!
Sitcom Audience: Awwwwwwwww!!!!
Bran's Unnamed Direwolf Outside the Window: *HOWL* [Translation: Get better soon, Bran! XOXO. You still need to name me].
The other wolves howl too.
Cat: Ugh. Someone please shut those fucking things up.
Robb: I think they're good for Bran, mom. It's like the puppers are watching over him. Helping him.
Then a bunch of dogs start barking too.
Robb: That is an unusual amount of barking though now. Odd.
He looks out the window. The library tower is on fire.
Robb: OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT! Someone get a bucket of water! Septon Chayle is going to be so pissed!
Robb runs out to go attend to the fire. He closes the door behind him. From behind the door emerges a filthy vagrant with an expensive knife.
Vagrant: Damnit, you weren't supposed to be here, lady! Everyone was supposed to go put out that fire.
Cat: Get away! GET AWAY!
He moves closer with the knife.
Vagrant: Killing him will be a mercy. Stand aside or I'll kill you too!
Cat starts to scream, but the vagrant brings the knife up to her throat. She bites his hand and the two get into a tussle.
Vagrant: AGHH!!! Damnit!
He pulls some of her hair out while she grabs at the knife, pushing it away but slicing her fingers on the blade. Just as all seems lost and she's about to get a good knifin'...
Bran's Unnamed Direwolf: *Woof* [Not so fast, asshole!]
The direwolf has snuck through the castle and up to Bran's room. He leaps up and attacks the vagrant.
Vagrant: AGH SHIT! AGH SHIT! NO! HE'S EATING MY NECK! OH GOD! HE'S TEARING OUT MY VOCAL CORDS! OH GOD! I'M DYING! I'M DYING!
Blood squirts all over the place, splattering all over Cat's face. She's kind of into it and tastes it on her lips.
Cat: Odd how he was still talking.
Vagrant: I WASN'T. YOU WERE JUST IMAGINING IT. YOU'RE HAVING A PSYCHOTIC FIT.
The Vagrant lay on the floor dead. The direwolf jumps up in the bed and lay next to Bran.
Cat: Uhh... good boy? I guess you're allowed here now, whenever you want.
Bran's Unnamed Direwolf: *sniff* [You're damn right.]
Cat is taken back to her bedchamber after all the excitement. Old Nan gives her a bath and Luwin treats her wounds. He also gives her some milk of the poppy. Which is a fancy Westerosi way of saying that she's doing opium.
She falls asleep for four days. When she wakes up...
Robb: Welcome back mom!
Cat: Oh wow, that was some strong shit. I had this terrible dream that Bran was in a coma and my husband left with our daughters.
Robb: Nope, that was real.
Cat: Fuck. Anyway, I'm so ashamed of how I acted. You were right, Robb. I should have been there for you and Rickon. Hey wait! I see you're wearing armor and a sword now. And you're accompanied by Theon, Ser Rodrick Cassel, Luwin, and Hallis Mollen.
Robb: Yeah, Hallis is the new captain of the guard. I stepped up and took control while you were asleep. Shit is going smooth now.
Cat: I'm so proud of you, son.
Robb: Thanks. And while you were asleep we launched an investigation into that vagabond who tried to kill you.
Cat: Me? No way. He was after Bran.
Robb: Bran?! Who would want to kill Bran?
Cat: You're a lord now. You have to figure out those questions yourself.
Robb: No kidding. It's a good thing I watched dad when he did all that CSI shit. Anyway... we found the vagabond's hiding place. In was in the stables. He had ninety silver stags hidden there. We asked some questions. People had seen him around, but nobody knew who he was.
Cat: Dayum... ninety silver stags? For Bran? I might have killed him myself for that. Sorry. No. I take that back. Gallows humor. The only way to survive up here.
Robb: My theory is that someone probably wanted to kill Bran... TO SILENCE HIM FOR SOMETHING HE SAW!
DUNN DUNN DUNNNNNNNN!
Cat: Pretty good theory, son. You're catching on to this Inspector Stark thing really quick.
Robb: But by who? Obviously someone rich! Just look at this knife! Fine Valyrian steel blade with a dragonbone handle.
Cat looks around suspiciously.
Cat: The men in this room... do you trust them all?
Theon: What the hell? We're right here!
Rodrick: We've known you forever!
Hallis: Honestly, I can't even remember who I am or if you should trust me.
Luwin: I've already been read-in to this intel, so whatever.
Robb: They're as much Starks as we are, mother. I'd trust them with my life. Especially Theon. A very trustworthy one, him.
She leans in and whispers.
Cat: Ned and I received a letter. From my sister. It accused the Lannisters of secretly murdering her husband, Jon Arryn.
Everyone gasps.
Robb: Hey, the Lannisters are rich!
Cat: That's right. And do you know who DIDN'T go on the hunting trip that day with King Robert and was hence back here at the castle? The Kingslayer, Jamie Lannister!
Robb: Oh wow, that's right. I remember now. You know now that I think about it, Cersei didn't go out either.
Cat: We all know Bran never falls. He's too good at climbing! I think he was pushed by Jamie!
Robb: Right, right. And the thing he saw that the Lannisters wanted to cover up could have been Jamie and Cersei having sex or something.
Everyone in the room looks at Robb with shock and disgust.
Theon: Eww.
Rodrick: Too far, Robb. Too far.
Hallis: Yeah man, gross.
Luwin: Very unlikely.
Cat: Uhm, Robb. Your CSI'ing is getting pretty good... but you've got a long way to go before you're as good as your father. But right now all we have is conjecture and theories. We need proof. And we also need Ned to hear this. We need to send someone down to King's Landing to let him know.
Robb: Great! I think we'll send--
Cat: --Me, it will be me.
Robb: Oh.
Cat: And I bet I can beat him there! I'll take a ship rather than ride down the Kingsroad!
Robb: Oh. Good idea. Why the hell doesn't everyone else just do that?
They look around at each other and shrug.
Luwin: Uh... I guess maybe the party is too big for a ship?
Robb: It's the King! He has a whole fleet. They could take multiple ships.
Everyone stands around just confused and thinking really hard about why Robert, Ned and crew are taking a multi-week journey by land when there is a much faster and sensible sea option.
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