Tyrion is sitting in the library tower, after a long night of reading old scrolls about shit. But he's having trouble concentrating, what with all that direwolf noise in the distance.
Bran's Unnamed Wolf: *HOWL* [Translation: I told you not to climb up that tower, dumbass.]
Tyrion: Oh man, so annoying. I can't even read. Septon Chayle, please put these scrolls away for me. I think I need to go get some breakfast. Does Winterfell have an IHOP?
Chayle: *snore*
Chayle is fast asleep, drooling on a desk and angrily thinking about how Catelyn Stark hasn't returned that one library book.
Tyrion: Whatever.
Tyrion leaves to go find some breakfast. On his way, he bumps into Sandor Clegane and Prince Joffrey.
Tyrion: Howdy.
Hound: Huh? Is someone talking? I don't see anyone. Here I am scanning all around for people at eye level, but I am unable to see any regular-sized human beings. Nope. Nobody here. Was it the wind? Was it my imagination? OH SHIT! There you are! Like, on the ground. Hey everyone! it was Tyrion talking! I couldn't tell at first, what with how short you are. I didn't see you all low down like a small baby.
Joffrey: *snicker*
Tyrion: Yeah, hilarious. It never gets old.
Bran's Unnamed Wolf: *HOWL*
Hound: Man, how long is it going to take that stupid kid Bran to die?
Joffrey: Who cares? At least he's dying quietly. Not like his stupid dog. Ugh. Will somewhat shut that thing up?
Hound: Want me to go kill it?
Joffrey: Haha, awesome. Yeah, I bet those stupid Starks won't even know it's missing.
Tyrion: Really? There are six wolves. Surely the Starks can count to six. Unlike you, you little bitch. Here, see this? One... two... three... four... five...
Tyrion extends his fingers one by one as he counts them out. As he reaches five and has an open palm he slaps Joffrey in his stupid fucking mouth. He then clenches his fist and punches him in the dick too. I mean why not? I figure adding that in would be cool too.
Joffrey: AGHHH!!! Uncle Dwarfy slapped me! Don't think I'll ever forget this!
Tyrion: Good, I hope not.
Joffrey: Hound, do something!
Hound: Nah, that was pretty funny. Mad props, little guy.
Tyrion continues on his way. Unfortunately since Winterfell is the White trash part of Westeros they don't have an IHOP. All they have is a Waffle House. He finds his brother and sister there, along with the little "Baratheon" kids.
Tyrion: Whattup biznitches? Is the King still in bed?
Cersei: *rolls eyes* Ugh, I don't think he ever event went to sleep. He was up all night with Ned crying over that little dying boy. So annoying.
Jaime: You know the King has a large heart, Cersei.
Cersei: Yeah. It's called "Cardiomyopathy." Probably caused by hypertension from being such an alcohol-abusing, pie-eating fatass.
As Tyrion is ordering his breakfast, Tommen and Myrcella remember that that they're in the scene too.
Tommen: I don't want Bran to die!
Myrcella: I hope he'll be okay.
Jaime: I dunno. We'll see what happens. Bran is a pretty unlucky name. His uncle Brandon was executed by the Mad King. There was Brandon the Shipwright who got lost at sea. Brandon the Burner who went crazy and burned all his fleet. Brandon the Bad whose nickname should be enough background. There was the Bran who had Old Nan as his wet nurse and died at age 3. Another Bran who accidentally hung himself in the closet doing some auto-erotic asphyxiation. Of course we can't forget the Bran that Sky Diver. I think we all remember how that one ended. And Bran the--
Tyrion: --Actually, Maester Luwin seems to think Bran might indeed live. If we was going to die then he probably would have already.
Cersei, in the middle of drinking, does a comic spit take.
Tommen and Myrcella: Yaaaay!
Tyrion: I think that direwolf is somehow keeping him alive. Like, with magic direwolf powers. He'll probably never walk again though.
Cersei: What the HELL? It's no mercy for him to live. He'll be a cripple. Deformed. If he starts to wake up they should just kill him anyway. Especially if he starts talking. About things he thinks he might have seen. You know, like anything happening up in the First Keep. Probably just his imagination. Or some delusion from hitting his head really hard on the ground. Honestly, if he does live everyone should just ignore whatever he has to say because it's crazy cripple talk.
Jaime: Yeah, deformed people are the worst. I can't imagine being deformed in any way. Like, if I lose a hand or something.
Cersei: And those wolves. Ugh, they better not come to King's Landing.
Jaime: I think they probably will. They're inseparable from those damn Starks. Anyway, I can't wait to get out of this hold hellhole and back to King's Landing.
Tyrion: I don't plan on going back to KL myself. At least not immediately. I'll take the opportunity while I'm up here to go visit the Wall. I've seen it on post cards. It looks pretty sweet.
Jaime: Haha, planning on taking up the black?
Tyrion: What? No! Those people have to be celibate. And if I was celibate then all the whores in the Seven Kingdoms would have to go begging. Because, you know, I pay for sex a lot.
Cersei: Gross, just gross. Can't you see that there are children right here?
Myrcella: Mommy, what's a whore?
Tommen: What's sex?
Cersei: *sigh*
Tyrion: The real reason I'm going to go to the wall is actually so that I can pee off the side.
Jaime: Really? That's the reason?
Tyrion: Yep.
Jaime: You're such a weirdo. Anyway, back to this Bran kid. If I were Ned I'd just just end it all now. Use that big ass sword and be done with it.
Tyrion: Geez, you two really seem obsessed with wanting this Bran kid to die. I wonder why.
Cersei and Jaime: *nervous sweat*
Bran's Unnamed Wolf: *HOWL* [Translation: I told you not to climb up that tower, dumbass.]
Tyrion: Oh man, so annoying. I can't even read. Septon Chayle, please put these scrolls away for me. I think I need to go get some breakfast. Does Winterfell have an IHOP?
Chayle: *snore*
Chayle is fast asleep, drooling on a desk and angrily thinking about how Catelyn Stark hasn't returned that one library book.
Tyrion: Whatever.
Tyrion leaves to go find some breakfast. On his way, he bumps into Sandor Clegane and Prince Joffrey.
Tyrion: Howdy.
Hound: Huh? Is someone talking? I don't see anyone. Here I am scanning all around for people at eye level, but I am unable to see any regular-sized human beings. Nope. Nobody here. Was it the wind? Was it my imagination? OH SHIT! There you are! Like, on the ground. Hey everyone! it was Tyrion talking! I couldn't tell at first, what with how short you are. I didn't see you all low down like a small baby.
Joffrey: *snicker*
Tyrion: Yeah, hilarious. It never gets old.
Bran's Unnamed Wolf: *HOWL*
Hound: Man, how long is it going to take that stupid kid Bran to die?
Joffrey: Who cares? At least he's dying quietly. Not like his stupid dog. Ugh. Will somewhat shut that thing up?
Hound: Want me to go kill it?
Joffrey: Haha, awesome. Yeah, I bet those stupid Starks won't even know it's missing.
Tyrion: Really? There are six wolves. Surely the Starks can count to six. Unlike you, you little bitch. Here, see this? One... two... three... four... five...
Tyrion extends his fingers one by one as he counts them out. As he reaches five and has an open palm he slaps Joffrey in his stupid fucking mouth. He then clenches his fist and punches him in the dick too. I mean why not? I figure adding that in would be cool too.
Joffrey: AGHHH!!! Uncle Dwarfy slapped me! Don't think I'll ever forget this!
Tyrion: Good, I hope not.
Joffrey: Hound, do something!
Hound: Nah, that was pretty funny. Mad props, little guy.
Tyrion continues on his way. Unfortunately since Winterfell is the White trash part of Westeros they don't have an IHOP. All they have is a Waffle House. He finds his brother and sister there, along with the little "Baratheon" kids.
Tyrion: Whattup biznitches? Is the King still in bed?
Cersei: *rolls eyes* Ugh, I don't think he ever event went to sleep. He was up all night with Ned crying over that little dying boy. So annoying.
Jaime: You know the King has a large heart, Cersei.
Cersei: Yeah. It's called "Cardiomyopathy." Probably caused by hypertension from being such an alcohol-abusing, pie-eating fatass.
As Tyrion is ordering his breakfast, Tommen and Myrcella remember that that they're in the scene too.
Tommen: I don't want Bran to die!
Myrcella: I hope he'll be okay.
Jaime: I dunno. We'll see what happens. Bran is a pretty unlucky name. His uncle Brandon was executed by the Mad King. There was Brandon the Shipwright who got lost at sea. Brandon the Burner who went crazy and burned all his fleet. Brandon the Bad whose nickname should be enough background. There was the Bran who had Old Nan as his wet nurse and died at age 3. Another Bran who accidentally hung himself in the closet doing some auto-erotic asphyxiation. Of course we can't forget the Bran that Sky Diver. I think we all remember how that one ended. And Bran the--
Tyrion: --Actually, Maester Luwin seems to think Bran might indeed live. If we was going to die then he probably would have already.
Cersei, in the middle of drinking, does a comic spit take.
Tommen and Myrcella: Yaaaay!
Tyrion: I think that direwolf is somehow keeping him alive. Like, with magic direwolf powers. He'll probably never walk again though.
Cersei: What the HELL? It's no mercy for him to live. He'll be a cripple. Deformed. If he starts to wake up they should just kill him anyway. Especially if he starts talking. About things he thinks he might have seen. You know, like anything happening up in the First Keep. Probably just his imagination. Or some delusion from hitting his head really hard on the ground. Honestly, if he does live everyone should just ignore whatever he has to say because it's crazy cripple talk.
Jaime: Yeah, deformed people are the worst. I can't imagine being deformed in any way. Like, if I lose a hand or something.
Cersei: And those wolves. Ugh, they better not come to King's Landing.
Jaime: I think they probably will. They're inseparable from those damn Starks. Anyway, I can't wait to get out of this hold hellhole and back to King's Landing.
Tyrion: I don't plan on going back to KL myself. At least not immediately. I'll take the opportunity while I'm up here to go visit the Wall. I've seen it on post cards. It looks pretty sweet.
Jaime: Haha, planning on taking up the black?
Tyrion: What? No! Those people have to be celibate. And if I was celibate then all the whores in the Seven Kingdoms would have to go begging. Because, you know, I pay for sex a lot.
Cersei: Gross, just gross. Can't you see that there are children right here?
Myrcella: Mommy, what's a whore?
Tommen: What's sex?
Cersei: *sigh*
Tyrion: The real reason I'm going to go to the wall is actually so that I can pee off the side.
Jaime: Really? That's the reason?
Tyrion: Yep.
Jaime: You're such a weirdo. Anyway, back to this Bran kid. If I were Ned I'd just just end it all now. Use that big ass sword and be done with it.
Tyrion: Geez, you two really seem obsessed with wanting this Bran kid to die. I wonder why.
Cersei and Jaime: *nervous sweat*
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