Dany is awkwardly waiting for her wedding. She is not looking forward to any of this shit.
Illyrio: Will you just look at this giant horde or 40,000 warriors? This is insane. We've had to double the guards here in Pentos. But you know how these Dothraki weddings are, right? Crazy!
Viserys: Ugh, can this wedding just hurry up and happen? The Dragon cannot wait for long until he gets his crown that he deserves! The sooner the Dragon's sister is married the sooner the Dragon gets that army to take back the Seven Kingdoms!
Jorah Mormont: Patience, your highness.
Dany: Oh wow! Jorah joined us, huh? He's a part of our crew?
Illyrio: Yes, that happened in-between chapters. Don't worry about it. He serves Viserys now. And I agree with him. We must have patience. Khal Drogo must first consummate the marriage.
Dany: I'm thirteen.
Illyrio: Then he must take his bride back to Vaes Dothrak, the City of Riders. The Dothraki are a superstitious people. There he will wait for a good omen before he readies his riders to cross the Narrow Sea. It might take weeks for such an omen. It might take months. It might not happen until a book that hasn't even been published yet as of 2017, despite the fact that this book was published in 1996.
Viserys: The Dragon cannot wait that long! The Dragon wants to go now! NOW! NOW! NOW!
That night, Dany goes to sleep and starts to have a dream. It's weird and Shaq is in it, smearing a menthol-based liniment on his aches to both dull the pain and relax it away. It's crazy. It makes no sense. But dreams seldom make sense. And then suddenly the plot of the dream takes a drastic shift and Shaq turns into her brother. Viserys begins beating her and shouting about waking the dragon.
She wakes up in a hot sweat.
An indeterminate amount of time passes (meh, let's just say its the next day or something). Dany and Drogo are now getting married out in the sun because their fucking horse god or whatever likes to watch and yet isn't a powerful enough god to see through a roof. The ceremony takes all day.
Dany: Ugh, this is brutal. This is taking forever. This is longer than watching "Contact" on basic cable with commercial breaks.
While Drogo and Dany are up high on the dais, Viserys, Illyrio and Jorah are down below on a lower platform.
Viserys: This is such bullshit! The Dragon should never be seated at the bottom. And look! The Dragon is being served only the food that Dany and that barbarian refuse. The Dragon demands to be fed first!
Jorah: Man this guy is a whiny douche. Why did I pledge myself to him? Oh wait... I remember now! *maniacal, scheming laugh*
Illyrio: That was a pretty maniacal, scheming laugh there, Jorah. What was up with that?
Jorah: Oh, nothing. *rubs hands together like Mr. Burns*
Back up with Dany...
Dany: I can tell Viserys is pissed that he doesn't get to eat first. What a bitch. And it's not even like he's getting sloppy seconds. I'm not even eating. I can't eat a thing. My stomach is turning. Here I am getting married to this crazy warlord I don't even know. He's barely paying attention to me and we can't even speak the same language. It's a million degrees. And I have to put on this fake as smile or else Viserys will smack me. And how can I smile? Just look at this shit!
Dany watches as a bunch of Dothraki surround naked women and start raping them. Right there in front of everyone. When two Dothraki claim the same woman, they wind up fighting to the death with all their zany scythe weapons or whatever they are. Dany didn't go to weapon school. She watches as twelve different men are brutally murdered in front of her face. She had heard that at least three people had to die to make it a real party, so obviously her wedding was way above average. After each time the blood is splattered everywhere, the Dothraki go right back to raping.
Dany: This is pretty fucked up. I am a thirteen year old girl. I shouldn't be watching this. I should be watching Hannah Montana.
Finally the raping part of the wedding ceremony is over and they go to the gift-giving part of it.
Viserys: Here are the Dragon's gifts for you, dear sister. I bring you three maids.
Dany: Uhm. These aren't even your gifts. You got them from someone else. Are you re-gifting gifts to your sister on her wedding day?
Irri: Hi, I'm Irri. I can teach you how to ride horses.
Jhiqui: I'm Jhiqui. I can teach you the Dothraki language.
Doreah: I'm Doreah. I can teach you how to fuck really good. Like really ride a guy.
Viserys: Hohoho, oh yes she can! Both Illyrio and the Dragon can attest to that!
Dany: First of all - gross. Second - I'm thirteen. Lastly - gross again. Did you really need to share the fact that you and Illyrio are Eskimo brothers? Like, at the same time or something?
Viserys blushes and runs away pouting.
Next up is Jorah.
Jorah: Princess, I give you the gift of... uh... these books. I know that sounds cheap but it's sort of deep because they're all old and written in the common tongue.
Dany: Aww, how sweet! What a thoughtful gift.
Jorah walks away.
Dany: Cheap ass.
Illyrio is next. He begins by giving her a bunch of expensive silks. But then he hands her some other shit.
Dany: Whoa! What the hell are these three things? So pretty.
Illyrio: They are dragon eggs, from the Shadow Lands. Priceless, but of course they have turned to stone since they're ancient.
Dany: Awesome. I guess I can use them as paper weights or something.
A bunch of other stupid gifts arrive, including a horde of fancy weapons.
Dany: Uh.. honey, how about you have these instead?
She gives them to Drogo, who just smiles and takes them because they don't speak the same language and this is pretty much just a particularly awful episode of 90 Day Fiancé.
Last, Drogo gets up and gives her the final gift - a grey horse.
Dany: Oh wow, this is a pretty awesome horse. Thanks hubby.
Guy in the Crowd: RIDE IT!
Other Guy: YEAH, RIDE IT!
Everyone: RIDE IT! RIDE IT! RIDE IT!
Dany: Oh, I don't know. I'm not that good of a rider.
Everyone: RIDE IT! RIDE IT! RIDE IT!
Dany: Really, I can't. It would be so embarrassing. I'm just an amateur.
Everyone: RIDE IT! RIDE IT! RIDE IT!
Dany: Well, if you insist.
She gets on the horse and immediately starts booking it. This horse is great. It's like the Mustang of horses or something. She dashes around and runs towards a gigantic fire. She then has the horse jump over the giant fire.
Dany: YOLO!
The crowd goes wild as Dany nails it and comes to a halt. People start throwing roses and doing those Italian kisses that are like "MWAH! That's-a-good-a-horse-riding!"
Irri: Well damn. Teaching you how to ride a horse was supposed to be my whole thing. What is my purpose now? How is it that I wind up being the one which has the biggest role in the books?
Dany brushes herself off and and bows to the crowd a few times. She walks up to her husband and also pulls Illyrio forward so that she can have him translate for her.
Dany: Illyrio, tell Drogo that he has given me the wind!
Illyrio: [Says something in Dotkraki]
Drogo: [Says something in Dotkraki]
Illyrio: Khal Drogo says that he apologizes and that regrets serving so many beans.
Dany: No, what I meant was... ahh... never mind. I've never felt more alive. Finally I feel free.
Viserys: Well, you know what comes next. You better please your husband or the Dragon will be very upset with you!
Dany: Ugh. Thanks for reminding me...
Cutting to the next scene, we now find Dany and her husband riding out to the place where they will consummate their marriage by a small stream. They dismount from their horses and--
Dany: --You know what, I'm just going to cut you off there, Mr. Narrator guy. People don't need to read the rest of this. I think technically in most jurisdictions the content of the rest of the chapter counts and child pornography and you can be arrested for owning it. Because, reminder... I'm thi--
--Thirteen. Yes. Yes. We get it. And okay, I won't say the rest.
Dany: Thanks Sam.
Shhh! People aren't supposed to know I'm Sam. Yet.
Illyrio: Will you just look at this giant horde or 40,000 warriors? This is insane. We've had to double the guards here in Pentos. But you know how these Dothraki weddings are, right? Crazy!
Viserys: Ugh, can this wedding just hurry up and happen? The Dragon cannot wait for long until he gets his crown that he deserves! The sooner the Dragon's sister is married the sooner the Dragon gets that army to take back the Seven Kingdoms!
Jorah Mormont: Patience, your highness.
Dany: Oh wow! Jorah joined us, huh? He's a part of our crew?
Illyrio: Yes, that happened in-between chapters. Don't worry about it. He serves Viserys now. And I agree with him. We must have patience. Khal Drogo must first consummate the marriage.
Dany: I'm thirteen.
Illyrio: Then he must take his bride back to Vaes Dothrak, the City of Riders. The Dothraki are a superstitious people. There he will wait for a good omen before he readies his riders to cross the Narrow Sea. It might take weeks for such an omen. It might take months. It might not happen until a book that hasn't even been published yet as of 2017, despite the fact that this book was published in 1996.
Viserys: The Dragon cannot wait that long! The Dragon wants to go now! NOW! NOW! NOW!
That night, Dany goes to sleep and starts to have a dream. It's weird and Shaq is in it, smearing a menthol-based liniment on his aches to both dull the pain and relax it away. It's crazy. It makes no sense. But dreams seldom make sense. And then suddenly the plot of the dream takes a drastic shift and Shaq turns into her brother. Viserys begins beating her and shouting about waking the dragon.
She wakes up in a hot sweat.
An indeterminate amount of time passes (meh, let's just say its the next day or something). Dany and Drogo are now getting married out in the sun because their fucking horse god or whatever likes to watch and yet isn't a powerful enough god to see through a roof. The ceremony takes all day.
Dany: Ugh, this is brutal. This is taking forever. This is longer than watching "Contact" on basic cable with commercial breaks.
While Drogo and Dany are up high on the dais, Viserys, Illyrio and Jorah are down below on a lower platform.
Viserys: This is such bullshit! The Dragon should never be seated at the bottom. And look! The Dragon is being served only the food that Dany and that barbarian refuse. The Dragon demands to be fed first!
Jorah: Man this guy is a whiny douche. Why did I pledge myself to him? Oh wait... I remember now! *maniacal, scheming laugh*
Illyrio: That was a pretty maniacal, scheming laugh there, Jorah. What was up with that?
Jorah: Oh, nothing. *rubs hands together like Mr. Burns*
Back up with Dany...
Dany: I can tell Viserys is pissed that he doesn't get to eat first. What a bitch. And it's not even like he's getting sloppy seconds. I'm not even eating. I can't eat a thing. My stomach is turning. Here I am getting married to this crazy warlord I don't even know. He's barely paying attention to me and we can't even speak the same language. It's a million degrees. And I have to put on this fake as smile or else Viserys will smack me. And how can I smile? Just look at this shit!
Dany watches as a bunch of Dothraki surround naked women and start raping them. Right there in front of everyone. When two Dothraki claim the same woman, they wind up fighting to the death with all their zany scythe weapons or whatever they are. Dany didn't go to weapon school. She watches as twelve different men are brutally murdered in front of her face. She had heard that at least three people had to die to make it a real party, so obviously her wedding was way above average. After each time the blood is splattered everywhere, the Dothraki go right back to raping.
Dany: This is pretty fucked up. I am a thirteen year old girl. I shouldn't be watching this. I should be watching Hannah Montana.
Finally the raping part of the wedding ceremony is over and they go to the gift-giving part of it.
Viserys: Here are the Dragon's gifts for you, dear sister. I bring you three maids.
Dany: Uhm. These aren't even your gifts. You got them from someone else. Are you re-gifting gifts to your sister on her wedding day?
Irri: Hi, I'm Irri. I can teach you how to ride horses.
Jhiqui: I'm Jhiqui. I can teach you the Dothraki language.
Doreah: I'm Doreah. I can teach you how to fuck really good. Like really ride a guy.
Viserys: Hohoho, oh yes she can! Both Illyrio and the Dragon can attest to that!
Dany: First of all - gross. Second - I'm thirteen. Lastly - gross again. Did you really need to share the fact that you and Illyrio are Eskimo brothers? Like, at the same time or something?
Viserys blushes and runs away pouting.
Next up is Jorah.
Jorah: Princess, I give you the gift of... uh... these books. I know that sounds cheap but it's sort of deep because they're all old and written in the common tongue.
Dany: Aww, how sweet! What a thoughtful gift.
Jorah walks away.
Dany: Cheap ass.
Illyrio is next. He begins by giving her a bunch of expensive silks. But then he hands her some other shit.
Dany: Whoa! What the hell are these three things? So pretty.
Illyrio: They are dragon eggs, from the Shadow Lands. Priceless, but of course they have turned to stone since they're ancient.
Dany: Awesome. I guess I can use them as paper weights or something.
A bunch of other stupid gifts arrive, including a horde of fancy weapons.
Dany: Uh.. honey, how about you have these instead?
She gives them to Drogo, who just smiles and takes them because they don't speak the same language and this is pretty much just a particularly awful episode of 90 Day Fiancé.
Last, Drogo gets up and gives her the final gift - a grey horse.
Dany: Oh wow, this is a pretty awesome horse. Thanks hubby.
Guy in the Crowd: RIDE IT!
Other Guy: YEAH, RIDE IT!
Everyone: RIDE IT! RIDE IT! RIDE IT!
Dany: Oh, I don't know. I'm not that good of a rider.
Everyone: RIDE IT! RIDE IT! RIDE IT!
Dany: Really, I can't. It would be so embarrassing. I'm just an amateur.
Everyone: RIDE IT! RIDE IT! RIDE IT!
Dany: Well, if you insist.
She gets on the horse and immediately starts booking it. This horse is great. It's like the Mustang of horses or something. She dashes around and runs towards a gigantic fire. She then has the horse jump over the giant fire.
Dany: YOLO!
The crowd goes wild as Dany nails it and comes to a halt. People start throwing roses and doing those Italian kisses that are like "MWAH! That's-a-good-a-horse-riding!"
Irri: Well damn. Teaching you how to ride a horse was supposed to be my whole thing. What is my purpose now? How is it that I wind up being the one which has the biggest role in the books?
Dany brushes herself off and and bows to the crowd a few times. She walks up to her husband and also pulls Illyrio forward so that she can have him translate for her.
Dany: Illyrio, tell Drogo that he has given me the wind!
Illyrio: [Says something in Dotkraki]
Drogo: [Says something in Dotkraki]
Illyrio: Khal Drogo says that he apologizes and that regrets serving so many beans.
Dany: No, what I meant was... ahh... never mind. I've never felt more alive. Finally I feel free.
Viserys: Well, you know what comes next. You better please your husband or the Dragon will be very upset with you!
Dany: Ugh. Thanks for reminding me...
Cutting to the next scene, we now find Dany and her husband riding out to the place where they will consummate their marriage by a small stream. They dismount from their horses and--
Dany: --You know what, I'm just going to cut you off there, Mr. Narrator guy. People don't need to read the rest of this. I think technically in most jurisdictions the content of the rest of the chapter counts and child pornography and you can be arrested for owning it. Because, reminder... I'm thi--
--Thirteen. Yes. Yes. We get it. And okay, I won't say the rest.
Dany: Thanks Sam.
Shhh! People aren't supposed to know I'm Sam. Yet.
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