Eddard "Ned" Stark notices the King's retinue of 100 riding up to Winterfell. He sees Pretty Boi Jaime, Prince Joffrey, Uncle Dwarfy, old Burn-Face Hound, Cersei, but he doesn't see his good old friend King Robert anywhere.
Eddard: Odd. Where is my good friend Robert? I haven't seen him in nine years since the Greyjoy rebellion when I got this pet Theon. I was looking forward to reuniting with him. Talking about the good old times. All I see is that giant, fat piece of shit up in the front who looks like a..... HOLY CRAP, that's Robert isn't it?
Robert: HAHAHA, NED! Great to see you!
Eddard: Robert, uh, great to see you too. There is a lot more of you these days. Holy shit, bro.
Robert: Well, now that we've gotten all these formalities out of the way, my first order of business here is to go to the crypt!
Cersei: Oh? Really? That's your FIRST order of business when arriving? To walk away from your wife and go to the crypts to see the grave of Lyanna Stark? Your former betrothed before you were married to me? A bitch who didn't even really like you that much. Nice.
Robert: Yeah, got a problem with it?
Cersei: Not really. *cough* Givesmesometimetofuckmybrother.
Cersei and Jaime give each other a knowing glance. Robert and Eddard descend into the Winterfell crypt.
Robert: Oh Lyanna, I miss you! I miss you so much. I know that you truly loved me. You were my one and only! Until that monster Rhaegar Targaryen kidnapped you against your will and held you captive! Isn't that right, Ned? That's totally what happened, right?
Eddard: Ehh... *loosens his collar* Yeah, sure Robert. That's what happened. Yep. She loved you.
Robert: Why is she buried here in this craphole? She needs to be somewhere better. Like with a giant monument to her. Maybe preserved like Lenin or something. Or not, because that's super creepy.
Eddard: Hey now, this was her home. Besides, she specifically asked to be taken back here, to be with our brother Brandon and father Rickard, both killed by the Mad King. Why I remember it like it was yesterday...
Robert: Whoa, Ned. Snap out of it. Are you having a flashback or something?
Eddard: Oh yeah, sorry. About Lyanna and the promise I kept for her.
Robert: What promise? Oh, you mean that you'd take her body back to Winterfell?
Eddard: Yeah, sure. Let's go with that. In the context of this vague flashback it certainly looks like that's what I'd be promising.
Robert: I hate that Rhaegar so much for what he did to Lyanna! My only regret is that I only got to kill him once. I dream of killing him again and again. I wish he came back to life today so I can bash him again with my warhammer.
Eddard: If you could reach for it around your fat gut, you pie eating bastard.
Robert: Huh? The acoustics in this crypt are crazy. I didn't quite catch that.
Eddard: Oh, nothing. I was just agreeing that it's too bad dead people don't actually rise up so you could do that. Because that would be crazy, right? The dead coming back? Well, we've been down here long enough. Let's get back up. Your wife must be waiting for you.
Robert: Oh, forget her. I can't stand Cersei.
The two begin to head out of the crypts. Ned, being a northerner, decides to make what counts as fun-loving small talk in the north.
Eddard: So, how did Jon Arryn die?
Robert: Oh man, he was fine one day and then the next... BOOM! Dead.
Eddard: Hrmm.
Ned writes that down in his little CSI notebook.
Robert: I think Cat's sister Lysa took her husband's death pretty hard. She's gone nutso. She fled back to the Eyrie with their kid Robert in the middle of the night. Against my orders! I wanted to set that kid up with an internship with Tywin Lannister.
Eddard: Oh the hell with that. Good for her. Tywin is such an asshole. Maybe little Robert Arryn can come up here to Winterfell instead.
Robert: I already promised him to Tywin, and I can't go backsies. Not while I'm sleeping with his daughter. That bitch is already enough of a frigid icebox, if you know what I mean. Not that I need her. I get around, Ned. I sleep with all these fine ass bitches, hahaha!
Eddard: I hope they get to be on top. Because if not... wow.
Robert: Anyway, forget the boy. It's the titles of Jon that are important. Warden of the East. Hand of the King.
Eddard: Oh please, oh please, oh please don't try to offer any of that shit to me.
Robert: Ned, you need to leave Winterfell. I want you to be my new Hand of the King.
Eddard: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Robert: Such an honor, right? And you and me... back together again! Just like the old days!
Eddard: I'm, uh, not worthy of the honor. Will that excuse work?
Robert: Nope! And hey! To sweeten the pot for you - how about this? Maybe I didn't get to marry into the Stark family because Lyanna died, but my son will be able to! How about we set my heir Joffrey up with your daughter Sansa? That would be awesome, right? Then one day your grandchild will sit on the Iron throne as king!
Eddard: Oh man, you've given me a lot to brood over. I need to talk to Cat. Besides Winterfell is where I belong. especially because... WINTER IS COMING.
Eddard: Odd. Where is my good friend Robert? I haven't seen him in nine years since the Greyjoy rebellion when I got this pet Theon. I was looking forward to reuniting with him. Talking about the good old times. All I see is that giant, fat piece of shit up in the front who looks like a..... HOLY CRAP, that's Robert isn't it?
Robert: HAHAHA, NED! Great to see you!
Eddard: Robert, uh, great to see you too. There is a lot more of you these days. Holy shit, bro.
Robert: Well, now that we've gotten all these formalities out of the way, my first order of business here is to go to the crypt!
Cersei: Oh? Really? That's your FIRST order of business when arriving? To walk away from your wife and go to the crypts to see the grave of Lyanna Stark? Your former betrothed before you were married to me? A bitch who didn't even really like you that much. Nice.
Robert: Yeah, got a problem with it?
Cersei: Not really. *cough* Givesmesometimetofuckmybrother.
Cersei and Jaime give each other a knowing glance. Robert and Eddard descend into the Winterfell crypt.
Robert: Oh Lyanna, I miss you! I miss you so much. I know that you truly loved me. You were my one and only! Until that monster Rhaegar Targaryen kidnapped you against your will and held you captive! Isn't that right, Ned? That's totally what happened, right?
Eddard: Ehh... *loosens his collar* Yeah, sure Robert. That's what happened. Yep. She loved you.
Robert: Why is she buried here in this craphole? She needs to be somewhere better. Like with a giant monument to her. Maybe preserved like Lenin or something. Or not, because that's super creepy.
Eddard: Hey now, this was her home. Besides, she specifically asked to be taken back here, to be with our brother Brandon and father Rickard, both killed by the Mad King. Why I remember it like it was yesterday...
Eddard is watching Lyanna lying on a bed, dying.
Lyanna: Promise me, Ned! Promise me!
Eddard: Of course, my dear.
Howland Reed: Hey, I'm here too. What's going on guys? Oh hell! That's a lot of blood. You think I'll ever appear again in modern day or just in flashbacks?
Robert: Whoa, Ned. Snap out of it. Are you having a flashback or something?
Eddard: Oh yeah, sorry. About Lyanna and the promise I kept for her.
Robert: What promise? Oh, you mean that you'd take her body back to Winterfell?
Eddard: Yeah, sure. Let's go with that. In the context of this vague flashback it certainly looks like that's what I'd be promising.
Robert: I hate that Rhaegar so much for what he did to Lyanna! My only regret is that I only got to kill him once. I dream of killing him again and again. I wish he came back to life today so I can bash him again with my warhammer.
Eddard: If you could reach for it around your fat gut, you pie eating bastard.
Robert: Huh? The acoustics in this crypt are crazy. I didn't quite catch that.
Eddard: Oh, nothing. I was just agreeing that it's too bad dead people don't actually rise up so you could do that. Because that would be crazy, right? The dead coming back? Well, we've been down here long enough. Let's get back up. Your wife must be waiting for you.
Robert: Oh, forget her. I can't stand Cersei.
The two begin to head out of the crypts. Ned, being a northerner, decides to make what counts as fun-loving small talk in the north.
Eddard: So, how did Jon Arryn die?
Robert: Oh man, he was fine one day and then the next... BOOM! Dead.
Eddard: Hrmm.
Ned writes that down in his little CSI notebook.
Robert: I think Cat's sister Lysa took her husband's death pretty hard. She's gone nutso. She fled back to the Eyrie with their kid Robert in the middle of the night. Against my orders! I wanted to set that kid up with an internship with Tywin Lannister.
Eddard: Oh the hell with that. Good for her. Tywin is such an asshole. Maybe little Robert Arryn can come up here to Winterfell instead.
Robert: I already promised him to Tywin, and I can't go backsies. Not while I'm sleeping with his daughter. That bitch is already enough of a frigid icebox, if you know what I mean. Not that I need her. I get around, Ned. I sleep with all these fine ass bitches, hahaha!
Eddard: I hope they get to be on top. Because if not... wow.
Robert: Anyway, forget the boy. It's the titles of Jon that are important. Warden of the East. Hand of the King.
Eddard: Oh please, oh please, oh please don't try to offer any of that shit to me.
Robert: Ned, you need to leave Winterfell. I want you to be my new Hand of the King.
Eddard: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Robert: Such an honor, right? And you and me... back together again! Just like the old days!
Eddard: I'm, uh, not worthy of the honor. Will that excuse work?
Robert: Nope! And hey! To sweeten the pot for you - how about this? Maybe I didn't get to marry into the Stark family because Lyanna died, but my son will be able to! How about we set my heir Joffrey up with your daughter Sansa? That would be awesome, right? Then one day your grandchild will sit on the Iron throne as king!
Eddard: Oh man, you've given me a lot to brood over. I need to talk to Cat. Besides Winterfell is where I belong. especially because... WINTER IS COMING.
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