Dany is staring at the vast emptiness of the grasslands that are known as the "Dothraki Sea." She guesses it's kind of like a sea. Sort of. I dunno. She contemplates grass a lot. Way too much grass contemplating going on for anyone with normal mental health.
Dany: Oh wow, I really am far ahead of everyone else. My brother is all the way back there, being slow. I don't even know why he came along for this ride. Oh right, because he doesn't trust Drogo to give him that army he wants. Punk ass. I guess I should wait for them all.
Jorah Mormont: As you command, by queen.
Dany: Queen? That's Khaleesi to you!
Jorah: Sure, I could get used to that.
She uses this time waiting to think extensively about how she used to have sores all over her body when she started riding. She was scared and depressed and in pain and wanted to kill herself and shit. Drogo would come to her at night and take her from behind. Dark stuff.
But then it all started to get better one night when she had this strange dream...
Dany: Ah man, just relaxing here and waiting, thinking about my dreams and grass.
But what she doesn't notice is how long she's been daydreaming. Finally her stupid brother had cauht up, and he is not happy.
Viserys: How DARE you speed ahead of the Dragon and tell him to stay back on a ridge! The Dragon don't play that way! You have woke the Dragon!
Viserys takes a swing at her, but she swings back. All the riders of the Khalasar look at Viserys like he's lost his damn mind. One of the four main riders assigned from the Khal to Dany, Jhogo, pulls out his whip and whips Viserys in his stupid ass neck, pulling him to the ground.
Viserys: *cries like baby*
Jhogo: [in Dothraki] Uh, so you want me to kill this little shit?
Irri: I can translate for you, Khaleesi. Jhogo asks if we should kill this little shit.
Dany: Oh wow - you're translating for me? I thought you were supposed to be my riding instructor while Jhiqui was the translator or whatever.
Irri: Well, you can already ride so that pretty much made that role redundant. So now I'll do the translating thing.
Dany: But doesn't that just make Jhiqui the redundant one?
Irri shrugs.
Dany: Anyway, tell Jhogo no, not to kill my shithead brother. But take his horse away and make him walk the rest of the way back.
Irri: OH SHIT! Take his horse away and make him walk? That's like the ultimate Dothraki diss! That's worse than killing him. You're a stone cold bitch, Dany.
Dany: Yes, cold. But also hot.
Viserys: WHAT?! The Dragon will not be treated this way! Jorah, kill these insolent little shits!
Jorah: Nah, I'm on team Dany now. Your ass should walk.
Viserys: Nooooooo! You serve me, the Dragon!
Jorah: Not any more.
He rides up next to Dany and they leave Viserys in the dust.
Dany: Wow, I can't believe I fought back. That's the first time I've ever done that. Do you think I woke the Dragon?
Jorah: Please, that bitch ain't no dragon. Maybe, like, the shadow of a snake or something. Not even a cool venomous snake. More like a shitty little milk snake. Your brother Rhaegar was the last of the dragons.
Dany: What? How can you say such a thing? Viserys is the rightful heir to the throne.
Jorah: Whatever. Would you really want that little punk to be king?
Dany: He says the people of Westeros pray for his return. They secretly sew Dragon flags and yearn for him to cross the narrow sea.
Jorah: Hahaha, I hope you don't believe that bullshit. You seem too smart for that. The common people pray for rain, healthy children, a summer that never ends, and the return of the McRib. It is no matter to them if the high lords play their game of thrones, so long as th--"
--Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Game of Thrones" flashes again and again.
Dany: What the hell?
Cowboy Curtis: You just said the Secret Word!
Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!
And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back into the tall grass of the Dothraki Sea.
Dany: Creepy.
Jorah: Anyway, what I was trying to say is the people don't actually care.
Dany: You're right. Viserys could never rule. I know that. I think I've known for a long time. He couldn't lead an army. He couldn't lead ants to a picnic.
Dany races ahead to the camp for the night with her handmaids. She can't wait until Viserys stumbles in later all emasculated. In her tent that night, probably as she's getting ready for another scalding hot bath, she fondles her dragon eggs and thinks they feel kind of hot.
Dany: I wonder if any dragons are out there alive.
Irri: No, they are all dead. Killed by men. It is known.
Jhiqui: It is known.
Dany: Wow, so you're just going to repeat her, huh? I guess you really are redundant.
Doreah: Oh yeah? Well I heard that dragons come from the moon. There used to be two moons, but one broke open and it was really a dragon egg and a bunch of dragons came out. Maybe one day the other moon will crack open and we'll have more dragons.
Irri: No, the moon is not a fucking egg, despite what that worst episode ever of Doctor Who said. It is known.
Jhiqui: It is known
Dany: Okay girls, get out of here now. Not you, Doreah. I want to... "have dinner" with you.
Irri: Hey! Why don't we get to have dinner with you too? Aren't we buds?
Dany: No, it's a euphemism. She's the one who is supposed to teach me how to be a better lover, remember? We're gonna... you know...
Irri: Ah, I get it now.
Jhiqui: It is known
Dany: Jesus... you are just totally useless, Jhiqui, aren't you?
That night, Khal Drogo wants it the usual way. Doggy-style.
Dany: Nah, Doreah taught me this new shit. Check this out. It's something called "cowgirl."
Anyway, I guess we'll skip anything more descriptive than that because it's gross, since she's thirteen.
Dany: No! I'm fourteen now! It's my birthday.
Oh, right. Because that's sooooo much better.
Dany's OBGYN: Also, you're pregnant.
Dany: WHAT?!
Dany: Oh wow, I really am far ahead of everyone else. My brother is all the way back there, being slow. I don't even know why he came along for this ride. Oh right, because he doesn't trust Drogo to give him that army he wants. Punk ass. I guess I should wait for them all.
Jorah Mormont: As you command, by queen.
Dany: Queen? That's Khaleesi to you!
Jorah: Sure, I could get used to that.
She uses this time waiting to think extensively about how she used to have sores all over her body when she started riding. She was scared and depressed and in pain and wanted to kill herself and shit. Drogo would come to her at night and take her from behind. Dark stuff.
But then it all started to get better one night when she had this strange dream...
Shaq: What you need is icy to dull the pain, and hot to relax it away.
Dany: Holy crap, 15× NBA All-Star Shaquille O'Neal! What are you doing here?
Shaq: Hot to relax it away.
Dany: Huh? Didn't you already say that?
Shaq: HOT TO RELAX IT AWAY! HOT TO RELAX IT AWAY! HOT!
Dream Shaq suddenly transforms into a dragon and breaths scalding hot fire on her.
Dany: AGHH!!!!Yet Dream Shaq was correct. The hot did relax it away. And after that dream of the dragon cleansing her with flame - she's felt better every day.
Dany: Ah man, just relaxing here and waiting, thinking about my dreams and grass.
But what she doesn't notice is how long she's been daydreaming. Finally her stupid brother had cauht up, and he is not happy.
Viserys: How DARE you speed ahead of the Dragon and tell him to stay back on a ridge! The Dragon don't play that way! You have woke the Dragon!
Viserys takes a swing at her, but she swings back. All the riders of the Khalasar look at Viserys like he's lost his damn mind. One of the four main riders assigned from the Khal to Dany, Jhogo, pulls out his whip and whips Viserys in his stupid ass neck, pulling him to the ground.
Viserys: *cries like baby*
Jhogo: [in Dothraki] Uh, so you want me to kill this little shit?
Irri: I can translate for you, Khaleesi. Jhogo asks if we should kill this little shit.
Dany: Oh wow - you're translating for me? I thought you were supposed to be my riding instructor while Jhiqui was the translator or whatever.
Irri: Well, you can already ride so that pretty much made that role redundant. So now I'll do the translating thing.
Dany: But doesn't that just make Jhiqui the redundant one?
Irri shrugs.
Dany: Anyway, tell Jhogo no, not to kill my shithead brother. But take his horse away and make him walk the rest of the way back.
Irri: OH SHIT! Take his horse away and make him walk? That's like the ultimate Dothraki diss! That's worse than killing him. You're a stone cold bitch, Dany.
Dany: Yes, cold. But also hot.
Viserys: WHAT?! The Dragon will not be treated this way! Jorah, kill these insolent little shits!
Jorah: Nah, I'm on team Dany now. Your ass should walk.
Viserys: Nooooooo! You serve me, the Dragon!
Jorah: Not any more.
He rides up next to Dany and they leave Viserys in the dust.
Dany: Wow, I can't believe I fought back. That's the first time I've ever done that. Do you think I woke the Dragon?
Jorah: Please, that bitch ain't no dragon. Maybe, like, the shadow of a snake or something. Not even a cool venomous snake. More like a shitty little milk snake. Your brother Rhaegar was the last of the dragons.
Dany: What? How can you say such a thing? Viserys is the rightful heir to the throne.
Jorah: Whatever. Would you really want that little punk to be king?
Dany: He says the people of Westeros pray for his return. They secretly sew Dragon flags and yearn for him to cross the narrow sea.
Jorah: Hahaha, I hope you don't believe that bullshit. You seem too smart for that. The common people pray for rain, healthy children, a summer that never ends, and the return of the McRib. It is no matter to them if the high lords play their game of thrones, so long as th--"
--Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Game of Thrones" flashes again and again.
Dany: What the hell?
Cowboy Curtis: You just said the Secret Word!
Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!
And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back into the tall grass of the Dothraki Sea.
Dany: Creepy.
Jorah: Anyway, what I was trying to say is the people don't actually care.
Dany: You're right. Viserys could never rule. I know that. I think I've known for a long time. He couldn't lead an army. He couldn't lead ants to a picnic.
Dany races ahead to the camp for the night with her handmaids. She can't wait until Viserys stumbles in later all emasculated. In her tent that night, probably as she's getting ready for another scalding hot bath, she fondles her dragon eggs and thinks they feel kind of hot.
Dany: I wonder if any dragons are out there alive.
Irri: No, they are all dead. Killed by men. It is known.
Jhiqui: It is known.
Dany: Wow, so you're just going to repeat her, huh? I guess you really are redundant.
Doreah: Oh yeah? Well I heard that dragons come from the moon. There used to be two moons, but one broke open and it was really a dragon egg and a bunch of dragons came out. Maybe one day the other moon will crack open and we'll have more dragons.
Irri: No, the moon is not a fucking egg, despite what that worst episode ever of Doctor Who said. It is known.
Jhiqui: It is known
Dany: Okay girls, get out of here now. Not you, Doreah. I want to... "have dinner" with you.
Irri: Hey! Why don't we get to have dinner with you too? Aren't we buds?
Dany: No, it's a euphemism. She's the one who is supposed to teach me how to be a better lover, remember? We're gonna... you know...
Irri: Ah, I get it now.
Jhiqui: It is known
Dany: Jesus... you are just totally useless, Jhiqui, aren't you?
That night, Khal Drogo wants it the usual way. Doggy-style.
Dany: Nah, Doreah taught me this new shit. Check this out. It's something called "cowgirl."
Anyway, I guess we'll skip anything more descriptive than that because it's gross, since she's thirteen.
Dany: No! I'm fourteen now! It's my birthday.
Oh, right. Because that's sooooo much better.
Dany's OBGYN: Also, you're pregnant.
Dany: WHAT?!
No comments:
Post a Comment