Tyrion is riding with Jon Snow to the Wall. It is taking FOREVER.
Tyrion: This is longer than watching Contact on basic cable with all the commercial breaks.
There are some cats other than Jon Snow too. At first its also Jon's uncle Benjen and Tyrion's two Lannister guards - Morrec and Jyck. But then on the third day of the travel north, they meet up with some hunchbacked dude named Yoren who has tattered clothes and is a total grumpy pants. Yoren is a recruiter for the Night's Watch has with him two peasant boys who are "recruits." And by that Tyrion realizes they are criminals who were probably sentenced to either death or to join the Watch.
Tyrion: Wait... THIRD DAY? Wasn't I just heading to check out Castle Black because it was a short distance from Winterfell? How far away is this thing?
One week into the ride, they find themselves further into the Wolfswood. Why is it named that? Because there are wolves all around, howling at night. Jon's direwolf, Ghost, follows as well. But Ghost is too well behaved to howl back. He just perks up and looks super interested by all this wolf chit-chat. I'm not going to translate that. It's pretty graphic and politically incorrect. You know, wolf stuff.
Tyrion: ONE WEEK?! What the hell? This is miserable! My balls hurt so bad from riding this horse for a week. This is a rough ride. I'm so cold. I brought my warmest clothes but they're not warm enough. I kinda feel bad for Jon too. A boy who didn't know what he was getting into. But this uncle of his, what an ass! I know he hates Lannisters just like Ned and is doing everything he can to make my life miserable.
Benjen: Shut your mouth, Dwarfy. You whining about being cold? You want my bearskin cloak or something?
Tyrion: Uh, yeah. That would be sweet.
Benjen: Uhm, no. That was one of those polite offers that you're supposed to refuse.
Tyrion: Nope, I'm taking it.
He takes it.
Benjen: Damn it.
By the eighteenth night of their journey they--
Tyrion: EIGHTEENTH?! REALLY?! How large is the north? This is crazy! I'm looking at this map here. It doesn't look that far from Winterfell.
Now there are no settlements at all. There is scarce life too. No taverns, inns or houses to stop at for the night. Not even a Super 8. So the travelers must make camp. Being too small to actually help, Tyrion wanders a little bit away with a book about dragons that he borrowed from the Winterfell library.
Tyrion: Septon Chayle says I'm getting a huge fine if I don't return this by the due date. No way am I going to be back on time. Still, I suppose I'll need to pay up. After all, a Lannister always p--
Jon: --Hey Tyrion, what you doing out here?
Tyrion: Just reading about dragons.
Jon: Cool. So you like dragons or something?
Tyrion: Oh yes, I've liked them since I was a child. I fantasized about having a pet dragon as a child. I preferred them to my actual family. The first time I went to King's Landing I wanted to see those famous dragon skulls left over from the Targaryens. King Robert hid them all in the dungeons under the Red Keep. I had a torch and saw them in the dark. Although the torch thing might have been a bad idea since I also saw all these drums of green liquid that said "Danger! Explosive! Do Not Store Under Sept of Baelor." Anyway, back to the dragon skulls thing. Some of them were huge. Three of them the largest - the skulls of the three Dragons that Aegon I Targaryen came over with in his conquest to become the first Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and the first to sit on the Iron Throne. Why, I remember the stories about one of my ancestors, King Loren I, back when the Seven Kingdoms were actually seven kingdoms with seven kings. He tried to fight Aegon the Conqueror. But with those three dragons he--
Jon: --I asked if you liked dragons. I didn't ask for your entire life story and an extensive backstory about the conquest of Westeros.
Tyrion: Yeah, I like dragons.
Jon: And books too, it looks like.
Tyrion: A mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone. HAHA! Yes! More of that profound shit I was talking about earlier, remember? These deep, meaningful, reflective statements just come out of me. Probably from my childhood spent reading rather than interacting with my awful dad or sister.
Jon: So it sounds like you hate your family. That's rough.
Tyrion: Come now Jon, surely you must resent your family too. You're a bastard. I'm sure they treat you like crap.
Jon: Nuh-uh.
Tyrion: What? Your saying your step mom doesn't hate you? Robb doesn't pick on you? Your father isn't sending you off to the Wall since you have no future anywhere else?
Jon: SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! The Night's Watch is a noble calling! It's honorable AF.
Tyrion: Oh yeah, like these two recruits Yoren found here? Debtors, poachers, rapers, thieves, and bastards like you. Not to mention rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers... and Methodists.
Jon: STOP! STOP!
Jon breaks into tears. Tyrion then starts to feel like a real dick. He reaches out to console Jon. But Ghost is not a fan of that.
Ghost: *growl* [Translation: Get the FUCK away from my master!]
Ghost jumps on Tyrion and knocks him to the ground, standing on him and about to attack.
Tyrion: AGH! GET HIM OFF! GET HIM OFF!
Jon: Oh, I'm sorry. Polite people say "please."
Tyrion: GET HIM OFF, PLEASE!
Jon: Okay, come on boy!
Ghost lets him go and Jon helps pick him up.
Tyrion: What the hell?! Why did that horse dog attack me?
Jon: Dunno. He probably thought you were a grumkin.
The two stare at each other, silently. For like a whole minute. Finally, Tyrion breaks into uproarious laughter.
Tyrion: Oh shit, Jon. *wipes tear from eye* That was a good one.
Jon: Hey! Grumpkins and Snarks... band name?
Tyrion nods approvingly.
Jon: But seriously, is it true what you said about the Night's Watch? That it's full of criminals and rapists? It's not really a place with a bunch of honorable knights?
Tyrion: Unfortunately not. Your Uncle Benjen is the exception.
Jon: *sigh* Damn.
Tyrion: Well, at least you're accepting it like a man rather than denying the truth. I think you'll be okay, kid. Now let's get shitfaced.
They go back to camp and drink a bunch of wine and eat some squirrel stew. Tyrion then offers Yoren some culinary advice about the level of pepper that should be the the stew. I just figured that would be important to mention as well.
Tyrion: This is longer than watching Contact on basic cable with all the commercial breaks.
There are some cats other than Jon Snow too. At first its also Jon's uncle Benjen and Tyrion's two Lannister guards - Morrec and Jyck. But then on the third day of the travel north, they meet up with some hunchbacked dude named Yoren who has tattered clothes and is a total grumpy pants. Yoren is a recruiter for the Night's Watch has with him two peasant boys who are "recruits." And by that Tyrion realizes they are criminals who were probably sentenced to either death or to join the Watch.
Tyrion: Wait... THIRD DAY? Wasn't I just heading to check out Castle Black because it was a short distance from Winterfell? How far away is this thing?
One week into the ride, they find themselves further into the Wolfswood. Why is it named that? Because there are wolves all around, howling at night. Jon's direwolf, Ghost, follows as well. But Ghost is too well behaved to howl back. He just perks up and looks super interested by all this wolf chit-chat. I'm not going to translate that. It's pretty graphic and politically incorrect. You know, wolf stuff.
Tyrion: ONE WEEK?! What the hell? This is miserable! My balls hurt so bad from riding this horse for a week. This is a rough ride. I'm so cold. I brought my warmest clothes but they're not warm enough. I kinda feel bad for Jon too. A boy who didn't know what he was getting into. But this uncle of his, what an ass! I know he hates Lannisters just like Ned and is doing everything he can to make my life miserable.
Benjen: Shut your mouth, Dwarfy. You whining about being cold? You want my bearskin cloak or something?
Tyrion: Uh, yeah. That would be sweet.
Benjen: Uhm, no. That was one of those polite offers that you're supposed to refuse.
Tyrion: Nope, I'm taking it.
He takes it.
Benjen: Damn it.
By the eighteenth night of their journey they--
Tyrion: EIGHTEENTH?! REALLY?! How large is the north? This is crazy! I'm looking at this map here. It doesn't look that far from Winterfell.
Now there are no settlements at all. There is scarce life too. No taverns, inns or houses to stop at for the night. Not even a Super 8. So the travelers must make camp. Being too small to actually help, Tyrion wanders a little bit away with a book about dragons that he borrowed from the Winterfell library.
Tyrion: Septon Chayle says I'm getting a huge fine if I don't return this by the due date. No way am I going to be back on time. Still, I suppose I'll need to pay up. After all, a Lannister always p--
Jon: --Hey Tyrion, what you doing out here?
Tyrion: Just reading about dragons.
Jon: Cool. So you like dragons or something?
Tyrion: Oh yes, I've liked them since I was a child. I fantasized about having a pet dragon as a child. I preferred them to my actual family. The first time I went to King's Landing I wanted to see those famous dragon skulls left over from the Targaryens. King Robert hid them all in the dungeons under the Red Keep. I had a torch and saw them in the dark. Although the torch thing might have been a bad idea since I also saw all these drums of green liquid that said "Danger! Explosive! Do Not Store Under Sept of Baelor." Anyway, back to the dragon skulls thing. Some of them were huge. Three of them the largest - the skulls of the three Dragons that Aegon I Targaryen came over with in his conquest to become the first Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and the first to sit on the Iron Throne. Why, I remember the stories about one of my ancestors, King Loren I, back when the Seven Kingdoms were actually seven kingdoms with seven kings. He tried to fight Aegon the Conqueror. But with those three dragons he--
Jon: --I asked if you liked dragons. I didn't ask for your entire life story and an extensive backstory about the conquest of Westeros.
Tyrion: Yeah, I like dragons.
Jon: And books too, it looks like.
Tyrion: A mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone. HAHA! Yes! More of that profound shit I was talking about earlier, remember? These deep, meaningful, reflective statements just come out of me. Probably from my childhood spent reading rather than interacting with my awful dad or sister.
Jon: So it sounds like you hate your family. That's rough.
Tyrion: Come now Jon, surely you must resent your family too. You're a bastard. I'm sure they treat you like crap.
Jon: Nuh-uh.
Tyrion: What? Your saying your step mom doesn't hate you? Robb doesn't pick on you? Your father isn't sending you off to the Wall since you have no future anywhere else?
Jon: SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! The Night's Watch is a noble calling! It's honorable AF.
Tyrion: Oh yeah, like these two recruits Yoren found here? Debtors, poachers, rapers, thieves, and bastards like you. Not to mention rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers... and Methodists.
Jon: STOP! STOP!
Jon breaks into tears. Tyrion then starts to feel like a real dick. He reaches out to console Jon. But Ghost is not a fan of that.
Ghost: *growl* [Translation: Get the FUCK away from my master!]
Ghost jumps on Tyrion and knocks him to the ground, standing on him and about to attack.
Tyrion: AGH! GET HIM OFF! GET HIM OFF!
Jon: Oh, I'm sorry. Polite people say "please."
Tyrion: GET HIM OFF, PLEASE!
Jon: Okay, come on boy!
Ghost lets him go and Jon helps pick him up.
Tyrion: What the hell?! Why did that horse dog attack me?
Jon: Dunno. He probably thought you were a grumkin.
The two stare at each other, silently. For like a whole minute. Finally, Tyrion breaks into uproarious laughter.
Tyrion: Oh shit, Jon. *wipes tear from eye* That was a good one.
Jon: Hey! Grumpkins and Snarks... band name?
Tyrion nods approvingly.
Jon: But seriously, is it true what you said about the Night's Watch? That it's full of criminals and rapists? It's not really a place with a bunch of honorable knights?
Tyrion: Unfortunately not. Your Uncle Benjen is the exception.
Jon: *sigh* Damn.
Tyrion: Well, at least you're accepting it like a man rather than denying the truth. I think you'll be okay, kid. Now let's get shitfaced.
They go back to camp and drink a bunch of wine and eat some squirrel stew. Tyrion then offers Yoren some culinary advice about the level of pepper that should be the the stew. I just figured that would be important to mention as well.
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