Dany: Oh man, this dress is so pretty! What fine silks. Thank you, brother.
Viserys: Oh, don't thank the Dragon. It's a gift from Illyrio, our very trustworthy and totally loyal host here in Pentos. He's also got all sorts of pretty jewels for you. You're going to look gorgeous when the Dragon marries you off to that barbarian Dothraki horselord, Khal Drogo.
Dany: Huh? But I'm thirteen right now in the books. I just want to point out to everyone that I'm explicitly referred to as 13 years old.
Viserys: Hrm, good point. The Dragon wonders if Drogo will even be interested in a little girl.
Illyrio: Hey everyone! It's me! Here to be a sycophant! And don't worry about the whole 13 years old thing. You've had your first blood, which means you're a woman blossomed now. And very pretty! Clearly a Valyrian princess.
Dany: Wow, that whole blood thing was a visual that nobody needed.
Viserys: The Dragon would just marry you himself, darling sister. After all, we need to keep the blood of the Dragon pure as we have been doing for generations by marrying brother to sister. But we need a deal with this Drogo so that we can have his army. Then we will ride across the sea and the Dragon will reclaim the Iron Throne that is rightfully his!
Dany: I'm not sure whether the incest option is more or less gross than the marrying a 13 year old to a 30 year old barbarian option. Now if you'll excuse me, your talk about the Iron Throne reminds me of all those stories you told me growing up. About our dead father the Mad King, our dead brother Rhaegar, about how those traitors Robert Baratheon and Eddard Stark rose up against them and started a war, about how I was born on Dragonstone, about how this knight named Willem Darry helped us across the sea to escape, etc. You know, just useful backstory stuff that people might be interested in me daydreaming about for a little bit.
Illyrio: Ah, excellent. Well if you're done daydreaming, we'll now have a scene where we strip you naked and have a bunch of servants bathe you.
Dany: Do I need to keep reminding people that I'm 13?
Dany gets a royal scrub-down, not unlike the one in Coming to America. Except it's scalding hot. SUPER DUPER HOT. Like way too hot for a normal person. Almost like she's immune to being burnt or something. Almost.
Servant: Oh, you're so lucky getting married to that Drogo guy. He's so rich and tall. All dark and handsome. Do you wanna know how rich he is? Even his slaves wear golden collars.
Dany: You know what? I'm going to call bullshit on that one. I bet you they don't.
Dany's now done with the bath, wearing her new fancy clothes, and is back with her bro and Illyrio.
Viserys: Oh yeah, you are hot girl. Drogo is gonna be all over that. But then again, Dothraki fuck boys and sheep too. So their standards aren't that high.
Illyrio: Yeah, remember not to say that in front of Drogo.
Viserys: DO YOU THINK THE DRAGON IS AN IDIOT?!
Illyrio: Uh, yeah. Kind of. You seem pretty slow. And you always believe all that total bullshit I feed you about how the people of Westeros have secret altars set up to you and can't wait for you to come back and rule them. Plus there is the whole calling yourself "The Dragon" thing and speaking in third person. And the fact that everyone calls you "Beggar King" behind your back and you still haven't caught on.
Viserys: What?
Illyrio: Huh?
Viserys: What did you say?
Illyrio: Nothing.
Viserys: Oh, never mind then.
Illyrio: See? My point proven.
The group travels in Illyrio's caravan to the palace of Drogo, a luxurious mansion built with money from Pentos as a way of building an alliance. As they approach, one of the Dothraki slaves opens the canvas to the caravan. Dani checks out his collar. It is just brass.
Dany: I knew it. I told that bitch.
Viserys: Ugh, get this filthy slave out of the Dragon's face! How dare you look upon the Dragon!
Illyrio: Now, now, dumbass. That's just a security guard type of slave. He's here for your protection. You know how that usurper King Robert is always sending people to kill you.
Viserys: Ah yes, good point. The Dragon must be safe, as I am the last Dragon.
Dany: Bitch, I'm sitting right here. Oh hey! A pale ass white guy! Look! Over there! Who is that?
Illyrio: Oh, he's Jorah Mormont. A knight of Westeros.
Dany: Wow! A real Westerosi knight! I've never seen one before. What's he doing here in Essos?
Illyrio: Oh, you know, banished and stuff. For some minor infraction. Like selling slaves or something.
Dany: Slavery? Slavery is what we're calling a minor infraction these days?
Illyrio: Yep.
Dany: You know, one day I might put an end to all that. It's just not cool.
Illyrio: Sure, whatever you say.
Dany: He looks really trustworthy. Not at all like someone who would betray me, regret it, and then become infatuated with me despite the fact that I'm jailbait.
They continue forward and Dany spots her future husband, Khal Drogo.
Dany: Oh man, he's tall and handsome and everything. But he's a barbarian. I don't want this, brother. Please, don't make me marry him! I just want to go home.
Viserys: You're really pissing the Dragon off right now. DON'T WAKE THE DRAGON! And how do you expect to go home anyway? We need this asshole's army to cross the Narrow Sea and take back the Seven Kingdoms.
Dany: Well by "home" I mean Illyrio's palace where I've lived forever rather than the place that I have no memory of, but whatever.
Viserys: Shut up and smile. You're marrying him, like it or not. Be lucky it's just him. If it would get the Dragon his army, then he would let Drogo, his whole army, and his horses, the Mexicans, ISIS and every other group of brown people that Fox News tells you to worry about rape you.
Dany: Reminder... I'm 13.
Viserys: Oh, don't thank the Dragon. It's a gift from Illyrio, our very trustworthy and totally loyal host here in Pentos. He's also got all sorts of pretty jewels for you. You're going to look gorgeous when the Dragon marries you off to that barbarian Dothraki horselord, Khal Drogo.
Dany: Huh? But I'm thirteen right now in the books. I just want to point out to everyone that I'm explicitly referred to as 13 years old.
Viserys: Hrm, good point. The Dragon wonders if Drogo will even be interested in a little girl.
Illyrio: Hey everyone! It's me! Here to be a sycophant! And don't worry about the whole 13 years old thing. You've had your first blood, which means you're a woman blossomed now. And very pretty! Clearly a Valyrian princess.
Dany: Wow, that whole blood thing was a visual that nobody needed.
Viserys: The Dragon would just marry you himself, darling sister. After all, we need to keep the blood of the Dragon pure as we have been doing for generations by marrying brother to sister. But we need a deal with this Drogo so that we can have his army. Then we will ride across the sea and the Dragon will reclaim the Iron Throne that is rightfully his!
Dany: I'm not sure whether the incest option is more or less gross than the marrying a 13 year old to a 30 year old barbarian option. Now if you'll excuse me, your talk about the Iron Throne reminds me of all those stories you told me growing up. About our dead father the Mad King, our dead brother Rhaegar, about how those traitors Robert Baratheon and Eddard Stark rose up against them and started a war, about how I was born on Dragonstone, about how this knight named Willem Darry helped us across the sea to escape, etc. You know, just useful backstory stuff that people might be interested in me daydreaming about for a little bit.
Illyrio: Ah, excellent. Well if you're done daydreaming, we'll now have a scene where we strip you naked and have a bunch of servants bathe you.
Dany: Do I need to keep reminding people that I'm 13?
Dany gets a royal scrub-down, not unlike the one in Coming to America. Except it's scalding hot. SUPER DUPER HOT. Like way too hot for a normal person. Almost like she's immune to being burnt or something. Almost.
Servant: Oh, you're so lucky getting married to that Drogo guy. He's so rich and tall. All dark and handsome. Do you wanna know how rich he is? Even his slaves wear golden collars.
Dany: You know what? I'm going to call bullshit on that one. I bet you they don't.
Dany's now done with the bath, wearing her new fancy clothes, and is back with her bro and Illyrio.
Viserys: Oh yeah, you are hot girl. Drogo is gonna be all over that. But then again, Dothraki fuck boys and sheep too. So their standards aren't that high.
Illyrio: Yeah, remember not to say that in front of Drogo.
Viserys: DO YOU THINK THE DRAGON IS AN IDIOT?!
Illyrio: Uh, yeah. Kind of. You seem pretty slow. And you always believe all that total bullshit I feed you about how the people of Westeros have secret altars set up to you and can't wait for you to come back and rule them. Plus there is the whole calling yourself "The Dragon" thing and speaking in third person. And the fact that everyone calls you "Beggar King" behind your back and you still haven't caught on.
Viserys: What?
Illyrio: Huh?
Viserys: What did you say?
Illyrio: Nothing.
Viserys: Oh, never mind then.
Illyrio: See? My point proven.
The group travels in Illyrio's caravan to the palace of Drogo, a luxurious mansion built with money from Pentos as a way of building an alliance. As they approach, one of the Dothraki slaves opens the canvas to the caravan. Dani checks out his collar. It is just brass.
Dany: I knew it. I told that bitch.
Viserys: Ugh, get this filthy slave out of the Dragon's face! How dare you look upon the Dragon!
Illyrio: Now, now, dumbass. That's just a security guard type of slave. He's here for your protection. You know how that usurper King Robert is always sending people to kill you.
Viserys: Ah yes, good point. The Dragon must be safe, as I am the last Dragon.
Dany: Bitch, I'm sitting right here. Oh hey! A pale ass white guy! Look! Over there! Who is that?
Illyrio: Oh, he's Jorah Mormont. A knight of Westeros.
Dany: Wow! A real Westerosi knight! I've never seen one before. What's he doing here in Essos?
Illyrio: Oh, you know, banished and stuff. For some minor infraction. Like selling slaves or something.
Dany: Slavery? Slavery is what we're calling a minor infraction these days?
Illyrio: Yep.
Dany: You know, one day I might put an end to all that. It's just not cool.
Illyrio: Sure, whatever you say.
Dany: He looks really trustworthy. Not at all like someone who would betray me, regret it, and then become infatuated with me despite the fact that I'm jailbait.
They continue forward and Dany spots her future husband, Khal Drogo.
Dany: Oh man, he's tall and handsome and everything. But he's a barbarian. I don't want this, brother. Please, don't make me marry him! I just want to go home.
Viserys: You're really pissing the Dragon off right now. DON'T WAKE THE DRAGON! And how do you expect to go home anyway? We need this asshole's army to cross the Narrow Sea and take back the Seven Kingdoms.
Dany: Well by "home" I mean Illyrio's palace where I've lived forever rather than the place that I have no memory of, but whatever.
Viserys: Shut up and smile. You're marrying him, like it or not. Be lucky it's just him. If it would get the Dragon his army, then he would let Drogo, his whole army, and his horses, the Mexicans, ISIS and every other group of brown people that Fox News tells you to worry about rape you.
Dany: Reminder... I'm 13.
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