AGoT 15: Sansa I

Pretty girl Sansa is feeding her direwolf, Lady, under the table as the retinue on the way to King's Landing stops by an inn at the Trident River.

Septa Mordane: SANSA! That's some gross shit that I'd expect from Arya, but not a proper girl like you. 

Sansa: What? No! Lady isn't like Nymeria. Lady is a nice and proper lady like me. Hence the name Lady. It's sort of a recursive.

Septa Mordane: Grrr... I swear, sometimes you and your sister are so alike and stubborn!

Sansa: Nuh-uh, I'm nothing like my sister!

Mordane: By the way, Queen Cersei has invited you and Arya to ride with her and Myrcella in the wheelhouse later today. You best find that sister of yours!

Sansa: OH BOY! If I get to spend time with Cersei that means I probably get to spend time close to Prince Joffery? And that's the BEST! He's the cutest and most handsome boy in the world. So tall and handsome. So noble and honest! Not at all the type to be a whiny, lying dickwad that would throw tantrums and have Lady killed out of petty vengeance. 

Lady: *whimper* [Translation: Wait... what?]

Mordane: You two better dress appropriately! 

Sansa: Oh, I already know what I'll be wearing. It's the prettiest dress. Don't count on Arya wearing anything nice though. 

Mordane: Hey! Where is she? How come she's not at breakfast? 

Sansa: Oh, I guess she's not hungry. If you'll excuse me... I'll go find her. 

Sansa knew that Arya probably already ate. Arya likes to wake up at the crack of dawn and steal food instead of have formal breakfast. Because that's how she rolls.

Sansa wanders along and eventually finds Arya sitting along the banks of the Trident, brushing Nymeria's filthy, muddy hair. 

Sansa: Arya... just what are you doing playing in that mucky water? Gross!

Arya: Shut up, stupid Sansa! I'm going to meet up with that butcher's boy, Mycah. We're going to go searching for rubies in the river.

Sansa: Rubies? What on earth are you talking about? Rubies don't come from rivers, dummy. They only come from the ruby crystal mines of Burma. 

Arya: No, you're the dummy! Didn't you pay attention to any of the stories growing up? This is the place where King Robert fought Jon Snow's dad Rhaegar Targaryen and killed him. He slammed his warhammer into Rhaegar's breastplate so hard that all the rubies fell out of it. And the rubies have never been found. But me and Mycah are going to find them. And go on to live long, prosperous lives as rich people with lots of rubies. Especially Mycah. He'll definitely live a very long time. 

Sansa: Yes, just like Lady. Now get out of there, clean yourself up, and put on some nice clothes. We have to go riding with the Queen.

Arya: No, I'm not doing that. It's lame. Her wheelhouse doesn't even have windows. How am I supposed to enjoy the scenery?  I'd rather go riding on my horse. 

Sansa: Looking out windows is dumb. Riding stinky horses is dumb. Riding along the river where Rhaegar fought Robert is dumb. Everything about you is dumb. Only an idiot would want to do that. You have to come with me so we can sit on pillows with the queen, play Dream Phone, and eat lemon cakes. 

Arya: Nah, I'm riding my horse. Bye.

Sansa: I HATE YOU! I'm going back. Me and Lady will have a nice time. 

Arya: Bitch please, you think the Lannisters will let Lady come with you?

Sansa hadn't thought about that. Because she's pretty dumb. 

Later... as she arrives back at the wheelhouse with Lady, she's surprised by a lot of commotion. Apparently some super fancy royal honor guard party has arrived.  There are three new people leading the honor guard - a distinguished looking older knight in white armor, a handsome young night wearing green armor, and some gaunt, scary-looking dude. 

Sansa is creeped out by the scary dude. She backs away slowly and runs into someone. 

Sansa: AGHHH!!!

That someone is someone even scarier - the Hound with his burnt-ass face. Or ass-face. You can put the hyphen there either way.

Sansa: I'm so scared! Hug me, Lady!

Joffrey: Not so fast, my dear. There is nothing to be afraid of - brave and noble Joffrey is here!

He skips onto the scene, twirling his cape around like a foppish dandy. 

Sansa: Ohmygawd, he's so perfect.

Joffrey: Don't be alarmed. I can protect you. Besides, there is nobody here you should fear. That scary-looking dude is just Illyn Payne - the royal executioner.

Sansa: Good point. Why would anyone be scared about a guy whose job it is to murder people?

White Knight: And I'm Barristan Selmy. You've probably heard about me. I'm kind of a big deal. 

Green Knight: And just try to guess who I am! 

Sansa: Uhm... well... you're wearing armor with a bunch of stags on it, meaning you're a Baratheon. And since you're not old fatass Robert I'm going to guess that you're Renly. 

Renly: YEP! Pleased to meet you. 

Sansa: Also, you're wearing a name tag that says "Renly." I feel so embarrassed by being scared now. And I'd like to apologize to you, Ser Illyn Payne. I didn't mean to offend you. 

Illyn: ... 

Sansa: Did you hear me? I said I'm very sorry. I know I came off like a total diva.

Illyn: ...

Illyn just turns and walks away. 

Sansa: Well FINE THEN. Don't accept my apology. Go fuck yourself, you piece of shit.

Joffrey: Oh, I forgot to mention. Illyn doesn't talk. His tongue was cut out by Mad King Aerys.

Sansa: Great, noooooow you tell me. After I embarrass myself again.

Just then Cersei arrives. Or maybe she was already there. Whatever. She didn't really have any lines before. Now she does. 

Cersei: I'm sorry little one. I have important business to discuss with my counselors now. I can't go wagon riding with you like I wanted to. 

Sansa: Oh no!

Cersei: Instead, you'll probably just have to hang out with Joffrey all day. 

Sansa: OH YES!!!!

Joffrey puts his arm around Sansa, all smooth-like. 

Joffrey: Come on baby, let's go riding horses around the river where Rhaegar fought Robert. 

Sansa: Oh, I'd love to do that! It sounds like so much fun and not something that I would have just called dumb a few minutes ago. 

Joffrey: But first... we better both leave our dogs behind and get some privacy. 

Sansa: Oh, you have a dog too?!

Joffrey: God, you really are stupid. 

He points at the Hound. 

Sansa: Oh. Right. But will you be safe without him? 

Joffrey: Oh please! I can protect myself because I'm so manly. With this... Lion's Tooth!

He pulls out a dainty sword and inelegantly swings it around like an amateur.

Sansa: Wait... Lion's Tooth? But aren't you a BARATHEON rather than a Lannister? Why not something about Stags?

Joffrey: Shhh! Let's go. 

They go riding together along the river. Not surprisingly, they hear a commotion and see two other people. Geez, based on context I wonder who ever they could be.

Joffrey: Look, a boy fighting a girl!

Sansa: UGH. ARYA!!!!

Arya and Mycah, the butcher's boy, are play fighting with sticks in a clearing near the river.

Joffrey: So, think you can fight a little girl, huh? Why don't you try fighting me instead, coward!

He pulls out his very real sword and challenges the little boy who only has a stick. 

Mycah: Uhm... We were only play fighting. And she asked me to. She sort of made me.

Joffrey: Lying coward! Try picking on someone your own size instead of beating up on those smaller and less skilled than you!

Joffrey stabs at the boy and slices him on the cheek. 

Mycah: Oh wow - is anyone else picking up on the fact that he's telling me to fight someone my own size and not to pick on less skilled people when it is in fact he, Joffrey, that is picking on me, Mycah, who is actually smaller than him and less skilled than him and with an inferior weapon to him?  And earlier when Robb, who was his size, challenged him to a fight he was a total coward and ran away from it?

Sansa: No. I am not picking up on that. Joffrey is a wonderful, pleasant and noble person.

Arya: Don't hurt Mycah, you little shit!!!!

Arya, a nine year old girl (I'll remind you), runs at Joffrey and beats the living shit out of him with her stick. Eventually he is able to counter and knock the stick from Arya's hand.  But Joffrey, being a punk-ass mofo, glances towards his horse to flee. Arya throws a rock at the horse instead, and it runs away. There is no escape for Prince Shitty now!

Sansa: STOP FIGHTING! STOP! YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING!

Knowing that he can't run like a punk now, Joffrey starts to make his way towards Arya. And just as he does so...

Nymeria: *GROWL* [Translation: Oh yeah, I'm about to learn what a prince tastes like!]

Nyrmeria jumps on Joff and begins to chew on his sword-swinging arm.

Joffrey: AGH!!!!

Nymeria: *chew* [Translation: Yep, just as I thought, the answer is "delicious."] 

Joff, of course, drops Lion's Tooth. Arya picks it up and throws it in the river like some bizzaro, reverse Lady-of-the-Lake. 

Arya: Yeah, FUCK your sword, you little shit.

Arya and Nymeria run off like straight-up stone cold thugs who don't even care. Sansa runs to aid her beloved Joffrey. 

Sansa: Oh, my poor prince! What did my terrible sister do to you? Please, let me help you.

Joffrey: GET OFF ME! DON'T TOUCH ME!

He continues to cry light a little punk. I wold have said "like a little bitch," but that would be insulting to Nymeria since Nymeria is a female dog and she's (as previously noted) a straight-up stone cold thug.