Tyrion (tied up and thrown on the back of a horse) and Jorah Mormont enter the glorious city of Volantis, which is really less “glorious” and more “on the brink of war.”
Tyrion: Please! Don’t sell me to Queen Cersei! It’s not even, like, worth all the trouble and such. I’m such a pain in the ass.
Jorah: You are correct that you are a pain in the ass. But you must pay for your crimes against my dear queen.
Tyrion: Deer Queen? Like a queen of deers? Technically a female deer is called a “hind.”
Jorah: No. Shut up. Not d-e-e-r. Why am I even bothering talking to you? You’re a kinslayer. How could you kill your own father?
Tyrion: Oh, great question. Release me from these ropes, give me a crossbow, and I’ll demonstrate on you.
Jorah: Sure, sounds good. I’ll just—HEEEEEY! WAIT A MINUTE!
Tyrion: Damn! Almost.
They continue to travel through the city, and Tyrion thinks he recognizes someone.
Tyrion: Oh wow! Is that Illyrio right there?! I can’t believe that fatass is down here. He turned around before the river and went back to Pentos. I thought.
Jorah: What? Where? I know Illyrio. We were together in Book 1.
Tyrion: Over there! See?
Jorah: Dude, that’s an elephant.
Tyrion: Oh. Oooooh.
Jorah: I can see your confusion though. He is quite fat.
Tyrion also sees tons and tons of poor-looking people with tattoos.
Tyrion: Who are all those peeps with the tats? Some gang?
Jorah: Slaves. All slaves are tattooed as children. Trust me, I’d know. I’m sort of a BFD in the slave-trading community.
Tyrion: Not something to brag about, but okay. Where are they going?
Jorah: They’re all going to see Benerro, the High Priest at the Temple of the Lord of Light.
Tyrion: Oh yeah, Haldon mentioned that Benerro guy to me. He said that it was part of Griff’s plan to recruit him to our cause. I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.
Jorah: I have no idea who these people are who you are talking about.
Tyrion: Neither does anyone who watched the show only. Ah, so anyway… do all of the slaves worship the Red God?
Jorah: Pretty much, yeah. I mean the whole slavery and red god thing are tied together pretty closely here. In fact, all the priests and priestesses of the red god have to be slaves, by definition. The priests and priestesses are purchased as small children by the church and brought up to be priests.
Tyrion: Oh man, that’s horrible. It’s almost like GRRM is trying to make people have sympathy for Melisandre now with the introduction of this plot point. Next thing you know, they’ll give her a POV chapter.
Jorah: …
Tyrion: What?
They head over and watch Benerro give his speech.
Bennero: [A bunch of stuff in another language]
Crowd: YAAAAY!
Tyrion: Well, I didn’t understand any of that. But this whole thing is unnerving me. These giant, emotional crowds. I’m remembering that time there was the riot in King's Landing. Back when the Hound saved Sansa and Lollys Stokeworth got gang raped. Oh, also a High Septon and a like one or two members of the Kings Guard were brutally murdered. Something like that. I can’t quite remember. It was so many books ago.
After watching the speech, Jorah goes to sell his horse. In doing that, he has enough money to buy some chains to put Tyrion in.
Tyrion: Wow, I am not sure of the relative exchange rate of valuables in the Volantis barter system, but I think you got totally screwed with that transaction, dude. Trading a whole entire LIVING HORSE in order to get some cheap chains? You got SCREWED, BIG TIME!
Jorah: Hopefully not Preston Greenfield. That dude was an ultimate fan favorite.
Tyrion: Yeah. He dead.
Jorah: NOOOOOOO! Anyway, putting chains on you will let everyone know that you’re a slave. Then nobody will listen to you, no matter what you say.
Tyrion: Two questions. First… don’t I need to have a tattoo to be a slave?
Jorah: Good point.
Jorah takes out a sharpie and draws a crude dick on Tyrion’s forehead.
Tyrion: Fair enough, I guess I was asking for that. Okay, next question… and this is just something I want some clarification on what you just said. You said nobody will listen to anything I say if they think I’m a slave. Correct?
Jorah: I did.
Tyrion: So what if slaves are all like, “Come on everyone! Slave revolt next Thursday!” That means nobody would actually hear that because nobody listens to slaves?
Jorah: No… I… I didn’t mean… literally… but… grrr…
Jorah sticks a sock in Tyrion’s mouth.
Next they cross a bridge and go to the west side of the city. Tyrion would shout out “West Side” in a fake 90’s hip hop slang tone, but he can’t because he has a sock in his mouth. There they go to the Merchant’s House, which Tyrion remembers Griff talking about. It was part of Griff’s plan to take them all here anyway. So it’s sort of odd that the person who kidnapped him away from Griff’s crew is still planning to take them to EXACTLY where he was going to go anyway.
Jorah takes Tyrion to a room and chains him up. Tyrion spits the sock out.
Tyrion: Hey look dood, I know who you are. That stupid bear surcoat and you talking about how much you love slaving doesn’t exactly make it hard. You’re Jorah Mormont. I heard about you being discussed in small council meetings. Weren’t you working for Varys or something? You were, like, the Baratheron’s spy with the Targaryens over here in Essos. Reporting on them and trying to get a pardon to come back to Westeros. Until Robert ordered that Dany be killed. DUDE! We’re on the same side here! I’m working for Varys too!
Jorah: My loyalties lie elsewhere now, Imp.
Tyrion: Ugh. To Cersei? My stupid sister. Well why bother then? Just get this over with. Cersei wants me dead or alive – preferably dead. You should just cut my head off now and bring it to her. Then you’ll get your pardon.
Jorah: Haha, you’re such an idiot. Here, have dinner.
Jorah throws a bunch of Lunchables at Tyrion’s head.
Tyrion: Technically shouldn’t these be for lunch rather than dinner? You can’t have Lunchables for dinner, lest they be Dinnerables.
But Jorah doesn’t care and goes to sleep. Tyrion is dead tired too, but he’s also bound up in uncomfortable chains, which makes it very hard for him to sleep.
By the next morning, Jorah makes Tyrion get up after almost no sleep. Tyrion is unable to walk properly, because the position of the chains made it impossible for him to either properly sit or lie down. Instead he was standing, hunched over all night.
Tyrion limps down to the commons room. As he sits for breakfast, he sees a strange, large pink fish hanging out and looking his way.
Tyrion: What is that over there? Do you see it, Jorah? I think that large pink fish is staring at me!
Jorah: Huh?
Tyrion: I can’t tell because it’s wearing sunglasses, but I could swear it’s looking right at me!
Jorah: Dude, you’re crazy and delusional from not sleeping last night. COME ON! Let’s just eat breakfast, wherein I can also provide some plot exposition about some exiled lord who has hired the Golden Company to win back his lands for him.
Tyrion: Hrmm. Sounds exceedingly like Griff AKA Jon Connington, and if indeed that has occurred than I totally “Inception-ed” Young Griff AKA Aegon Targaryen AKA Fake Aegon Targaryen AKA Faegon. Now they’re totally going to go through with my plan to invade Westeros directly without stopping to pick up Daenerys first. Hahaha. He’s totally taken the bait.
Voice from Across the Room: Did someone say BAIT?! FIN-TASTIC!!!
Tyrion: Huh? Who said that?
But Jorah doesn’t allow Tyrion to figure out, as he picks him up and drags him off to go meet someone else.
Tyrion: Who are we meeting with now?
Jorah: The Widow of the Waterfront.
Tyrion: Wow, that’s a cryptic name. Probably not something you’d want to call her to her face. Does she have any other names?
Jorah: “Vogarro’s Whore.”
Tyrion: DUDE! That name is even worse. Can you just give me a description of her character so we can figure out who she is and what she’s all about?
Jorah: She’s just this old lady who runs a bunch of docks in Western Volantis.
And so they go to her.
Jorah: Hey m’am. I’d like to book passage to Meereen.
Tyrion: WAIT… MEEREEN… MEEREEN?! AHAHHAHAHA! The Queen you’re taking me to is DANY! Not CERSEI! OH GOD! THIS IS PERFECT!
Jorah: Huh?
Tyrion: That’s where I was supposed to go anyway! Ah-hahaha.You kidnapped me from people taking me to Queen Dany in Meereen so that you could take me to Queen Dany in Meereen.
Jorah: SHUT UP! STOP LAUGHING!
Widow: Ah, you wish to see the Silver Queen? Have you not heard the horrible stories about her? They say that she wants open immigration laws so that migrants can rape innocent white children. They say she’s turning Meereen into a “Santuary City” where illegals are allowed to take our jobs. They say she’s practicing the most vile sin known to mankind… SOCIALISM!
Tyrion: Geez. Is Fox News the only TV station they have in Essos?
Widow: Yes.
Jorah: None of these stories about Dany are true. She is a good and noble queen. These are lies being told by the slavers, who are angry that their slave trade has been disrupted by her activities.
Tyrion: Shouldn’t you be angry then too, Jorah?
Jorah: SHUT UP! I’m a reformed slaver! I mean every once and a while I have a little bit of a craving. But then I just force a few people into some mild indentured servitude for a few days and the craving passes.
Widow: You must wait if you wish to go to Meereen. There are armies heading east, going her way.
Jorah: Do you think there will be war?
Widow: Aye, but not the war they want.
Tyrion: Cryptic. Do you mind to provide any more detail on what you mean by that?
Widow: No. Tell me though, knight and imp… why do you wish to go to Queen Dany?
Jorah: I wish to serve her. Because I am a chivalrous man.
Widow: BWOOOP! BWOOOP! BWOOOP! That’s my lie detector going off, by the way. Such bullshit.
Tyrion: Haha, right? He’s totes in love with her and hopes that giving me to her will make her bring him back into her trust.
Jorah: I SAID SHUT UP!
Widow: The imp speaks the truth about the knight. But Imp, you have your own reasons to go there too, do you not? Tell them to me.
Tyrion: Well, I don’t really have a choice, do I? I’ve sort of been kidnapped and chained up by this asshole who is forcing me to go there.
Widow: Fair enough. But you said that you were heading her way anyway. Why would you wish to serve the Silver Queen?
Tyrion: Easy. FOR REVENGE! When Queen Dany and her dragons come to Westeros, we will be able to MURDER MY SISTER! I want to rape and kill her myself. SWEET, SWEET, REVENGE! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Everyone then goes silence.
Jorah: Wow, that was dark. I mean darker than last Sunday's episode?
Tyrion: Haha! I get it, Jorah. Good one.
Jorah: Thanks.
Tyrion: And just to make it clear, we're talking about the episode where you die.
Jorah: Shhh. Spoilers. Anyway. I was trying to say about you Tyrion, you’re a lot more heroic and noble in the TV show. In the books you’re sort of… well… yikes.
Widow: Indeed. But my BS detector didn’t go off, so I declare that the imp is being honest. He is worthy of my aid in going to Meereen.
Then, out of nowhere, a giant pink shark rushes into the scene and attacks Tyrion.
Pink Shark: FIN-TASTIC!
Tyrion: AGHHHH! What the hell was that?!
Pink Shark: Oh, I’m sorry. Did you think I attacked you? It was a total accident. Sometimes I get too excited trying to get people to try my delicious Kool-Aid flavor, named after myself. I am… SHARKLEBERRY FIN!
That’s right. It’s Sharkleberry Fin, the pink Kool-Aid mascot who debuted in 1989 with his flavor, a sort of mix of orange, strawberry and banana.
Tyrion: No. Wait. Sharkleberry Fin? Really?
Yes.
Tyrion: But isn’t the place in the books where “Penny” shows up? She’s one of the dwarves that rode on the pig and the dog back in A Storm of Swords Chapter 60 at the Purple Wedding. You know, where Joffrey mocks me with their Dwarf Fighting Show and then dies? Only now Penny shows up and reveals that her brother, Oppo, was murdered, beheaded, and his head was one of those dwarf heads brought before Cersei
Yes, this is where that happens in the books. But Penny is a terrible character.
Tyrion: That is true. Perhaps the worst character in the entire book series.
So, for the Jingle of Ice and Fire, Penny will be replaced by Sharkleberry Fin.
Tyrion: But Sharkleberry Fin is a terrible character too
He is. But not as bad as Penny.
Sharkleberry Fin: Terrible? No way man, I’m… FIN-TASTIC!
Jorah: Ugh. Is that the only thing that this shark says? “Fintastic” over and over again?
Sharkleberry Fin: No! It’s not the only thing I say, dudes. I also say, “Tastes so Hip, it will make you Flip!” Here, watch this!
He gives a cup of Sharkleberry Fin to the Widow of the Waterfront. It tastes go good that she flips into the waters nearby using outdated, cheesy, early 1990s special effects.
Widow: That was so delicious that now I HAVE to help Tyrion and this pink shark. Tyrion, I will send you aboard a ship called the “Selaesori Qhoran”, which is leaving in two days for Qarth.
Tyrion: Two questions, sorry. First, what does that fancy Essos word you said mean?
Widow: Oh? “Selaesori Qhoran?” It means “Perfumed Seneschal.”
Tyrion: Okay, second question… QARTH? We’re not supposed to go to Qarth. We’re supposed to go to Meereen if we want to see the Dragon Queen.
Widow: Benerro the High Priest has foreseen it in his flames that the ship will never reach Qarth.
Tyrion: So you’re saying there will be a storm that will divert the ship to Meereen?
Widow: *shifty eyes* Something like that.
Tyrion: Well great, thank you so much, Widow Lady!
Widow: Hey, I’m no lady. But I have something to as of you. If you… errm… I mean “when” you reach Dany, tell her that the slaves of Old Volantis are waiting for her to help free us. Tell her to come soon.
Tyrion: The only way Dany is going to "come soon" is if Daario is there. AM I RIGHT?
Jorah stuffs the sock back in Tyrion's mouth.
Tyrion: Please! Don’t sell me to Queen Cersei! It’s not even, like, worth all the trouble and such. I’m such a pain in the ass.
Jorah: You are correct that you are a pain in the ass. But you must pay for your crimes against my dear queen.
Tyrion: Deer Queen? Like a queen of deers? Technically a female deer is called a “hind.”
Jorah: No. Shut up. Not d-e-e-r. Why am I even bothering talking to you? You’re a kinslayer. How could you kill your own father?
Tyrion: Oh, great question. Release me from these ropes, give me a crossbow, and I’ll demonstrate on you.
Jorah: Sure, sounds good. I’ll just—HEEEEEY! WAIT A MINUTE!
Tyrion: Damn! Almost.
They continue to travel through the city, and Tyrion thinks he recognizes someone.
Tyrion: Oh wow! Is that Illyrio right there?! I can’t believe that fatass is down here. He turned around before the river and went back to Pentos. I thought.
Jorah: What? Where? I know Illyrio. We were together in Book 1.
Tyrion: Over there! See?
Jorah: Dude, that’s an elephant.
Tyrion: Oh. Oooooh.
Jorah: I can see your confusion though. He is quite fat.
Tyrion also sees tons and tons of poor-looking people with tattoos.
Tyrion: Who are all those peeps with the tats? Some gang?
Jorah: Slaves. All slaves are tattooed as children. Trust me, I’d know. I’m sort of a BFD in the slave-trading community.
Tyrion: Not something to brag about, but okay. Where are they going?
Jorah: They’re all going to see Benerro, the High Priest at the Temple of the Lord of Light.
Tyrion: Oh yeah, Haldon mentioned that Benerro guy to me. He said that it was part of Griff’s plan to recruit him to our cause. I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.
Jorah: I have no idea who these people are who you are talking about.
Tyrion: Neither does anyone who watched the show only. Ah, so anyway… do all of the slaves worship the Red God?
Jorah: Pretty much, yeah. I mean the whole slavery and red god thing are tied together pretty closely here. In fact, all the priests and priestesses of the red god have to be slaves, by definition. The priests and priestesses are purchased as small children by the church and brought up to be priests.
Tyrion: Oh man, that’s horrible. It’s almost like GRRM is trying to make people have sympathy for Melisandre now with the introduction of this plot point. Next thing you know, they’ll give her a POV chapter.
Jorah: …
Tyrion: What?
They head over and watch Benerro give his speech.
Bennero: [A bunch of stuff in another language]
Crowd: YAAAAY!
Tyrion: Well, I didn’t understand any of that. But this whole thing is unnerving me. These giant, emotional crowds. I’m remembering that time there was the riot in King's Landing. Back when the Hound saved Sansa and Lollys Stokeworth got gang raped. Oh, also a High Septon and a like one or two members of the Kings Guard were brutally murdered. Something like that. I can’t quite remember. It was so many books ago.
After watching the speech, Jorah goes to sell his horse. In doing that, he has enough money to buy some chains to put Tyrion in.
Tyrion: Wow, I am not sure of the relative exchange rate of valuables in the Volantis barter system, but I think you got totally screwed with that transaction, dude. Trading a whole entire LIVING HORSE in order to get some cheap chains? You got SCREWED, BIG TIME!
Jorah: Hopefully not Preston Greenfield. That dude was an ultimate fan favorite.
Tyrion: Yeah. He dead.
Jorah: NOOOOOOO! Anyway, putting chains on you will let everyone know that you’re a slave. Then nobody will listen to you, no matter what you say.
Tyrion: Two questions. First… don’t I need to have a tattoo to be a slave?
Jorah: Good point.
Jorah takes out a sharpie and draws a crude dick on Tyrion’s forehead.
Tyrion: Fair enough, I guess I was asking for that. Okay, next question… and this is just something I want some clarification on what you just said. You said nobody will listen to anything I say if they think I’m a slave. Correct?
Jorah: I did.
Tyrion: So what if slaves are all like, “Come on everyone! Slave revolt next Thursday!” That means nobody would actually hear that because nobody listens to slaves?
Jorah: No… I… I didn’t mean… literally… but… grrr…
Jorah sticks a sock in Tyrion’s mouth.
Next they cross a bridge and go to the west side of the city. Tyrion would shout out “West Side” in a fake 90’s hip hop slang tone, but he can’t because he has a sock in his mouth. There they go to the Merchant’s House, which Tyrion remembers Griff talking about. It was part of Griff’s plan to take them all here anyway. So it’s sort of odd that the person who kidnapped him away from Griff’s crew is still planning to take them to EXACTLY where he was going to go anyway.
Jorah takes Tyrion to a room and chains him up. Tyrion spits the sock out.
Tyrion: Hey look dood, I know who you are. That stupid bear surcoat and you talking about how much you love slaving doesn’t exactly make it hard. You’re Jorah Mormont. I heard about you being discussed in small council meetings. Weren’t you working for Varys or something? You were, like, the Baratheron’s spy with the Targaryens over here in Essos. Reporting on them and trying to get a pardon to come back to Westeros. Until Robert ordered that Dany be killed. DUDE! We’re on the same side here! I’m working for Varys too!
Jorah: My loyalties lie elsewhere now, Imp.
Tyrion: Ugh. To Cersei? My stupid sister. Well why bother then? Just get this over with. Cersei wants me dead or alive – preferably dead. You should just cut my head off now and bring it to her. Then you’ll get your pardon.
Jorah: Haha, you’re such an idiot. Here, have dinner.
Jorah throws a bunch of Lunchables at Tyrion’s head.
Tyrion: Technically shouldn’t these be for lunch rather than dinner? You can’t have Lunchables for dinner, lest they be Dinnerables.
But Jorah doesn’t care and goes to sleep. Tyrion is dead tired too, but he’s also bound up in uncomfortable chains, which makes it very hard for him to sleep.
By the next morning, Jorah makes Tyrion get up after almost no sleep. Tyrion is unable to walk properly, because the position of the chains made it impossible for him to either properly sit or lie down. Instead he was standing, hunched over all night.
Tyrion limps down to the commons room. As he sits for breakfast, he sees a strange, large pink fish hanging out and looking his way.
Tyrion: What is that over there? Do you see it, Jorah? I think that large pink fish is staring at me!
Jorah: Huh?
Tyrion: I can’t tell because it’s wearing sunglasses, but I could swear it’s looking right at me!
Jorah: Dude, you’re crazy and delusional from not sleeping last night. COME ON! Let’s just eat breakfast, wherein I can also provide some plot exposition about some exiled lord who has hired the Golden Company to win back his lands for him.
Tyrion: Hrmm. Sounds exceedingly like Griff AKA Jon Connington, and if indeed that has occurred than I totally “Inception-ed” Young Griff AKA Aegon Targaryen AKA Fake Aegon Targaryen AKA Faegon. Now they’re totally going to go through with my plan to invade Westeros directly without stopping to pick up Daenerys first. Hahaha. He’s totally taken the bait.
Voice from Across the Room: Did someone say BAIT?! FIN-TASTIC!!!
Tyrion: Huh? Who said that?
But Jorah doesn’t allow Tyrion to figure out, as he picks him up and drags him off to go meet someone else.
Tyrion: Who are we meeting with now?
Jorah: The Widow of the Waterfront.
Tyrion: Wow, that’s a cryptic name. Probably not something you’d want to call her to her face. Does she have any other names?
Jorah: “Vogarro’s Whore.”
Tyrion: DUDE! That name is even worse. Can you just give me a description of her character so we can figure out who she is and what she’s all about?
Jorah: She’s just this old lady who runs a bunch of docks in Western Volantis.
And so they go to her.
Jorah: Hey m’am. I’d like to book passage to Meereen.
Tyrion: WAIT… MEEREEN… MEEREEN?! AHAHHAHAHA! The Queen you’re taking me to is DANY! Not CERSEI! OH GOD! THIS IS PERFECT!
Jorah: Huh?
Tyrion: That’s where I was supposed to go anyway! Ah-hahaha.You kidnapped me from people taking me to Queen Dany in Meereen so that you could take me to Queen Dany in Meereen.
Jorah: SHUT UP! STOP LAUGHING!
Widow: Ah, you wish to see the Silver Queen? Have you not heard the horrible stories about her? They say that she wants open immigration laws so that migrants can rape innocent white children. They say she’s turning Meereen into a “Santuary City” where illegals are allowed to take our jobs. They say she’s practicing the most vile sin known to mankind… SOCIALISM!
Tyrion: Geez. Is Fox News the only TV station they have in Essos?
Widow: Yes.
Jorah: None of these stories about Dany are true. She is a good and noble queen. These are lies being told by the slavers, who are angry that their slave trade has been disrupted by her activities.
Tyrion: Shouldn’t you be angry then too, Jorah?
Jorah: SHUT UP! I’m a reformed slaver! I mean every once and a while I have a little bit of a craving. But then I just force a few people into some mild indentured servitude for a few days and the craving passes.
Widow: You must wait if you wish to go to Meereen. There are armies heading east, going her way.
Jorah: Do you think there will be war?
Widow: Aye, but not the war they want.
Tyrion: Cryptic. Do you mind to provide any more detail on what you mean by that?
Widow: No. Tell me though, knight and imp… why do you wish to go to Queen Dany?
Jorah: I wish to serve her. Because I am a chivalrous man.
Widow: BWOOOP! BWOOOP! BWOOOP! That’s my lie detector going off, by the way. Such bullshit.
Tyrion: Haha, right? He’s totes in love with her and hopes that giving me to her will make her bring him back into her trust.
Jorah: I SAID SHUT UP!
Widow: The imp speaks the truth about the knight. But Imp, you have your own reasons to go there too, do you not? Tell them to me.
Tyrion: Well, I don’t really have a choice, do I? I’ve sort of been kidnapped and chained up by this asshole who is forcing me to go there.
Widow: Fair enough. But you said that you were heading her way anyway. Why would you wish to serve the Silver Queen?
Tyrion: Easy. FOR REVENGE! When Queen Dany and her dragons come to Westeros, we will be able to MURDER MY SISTER! I want to rape and kill her myself. SWEET, SWEET, REVENGE! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Everyone then goes silence.
Jorah: Wow, that was dark. I mean darker than last Sunday's episode?
Tyrion: Haha! I get it, Jorah. Good one.
Jorah: Thanks.
Tyrion: And just to make it clear, we're talking about the episode where you die.
Jorah: Shhh. Spoilers. Anyway. I was trying to say about you Tyrion, you’re a lot more heroic and noble in the TV show. In the books you’re sort of… well… yikes.
Widow: Indeed. But my BS detector didn’t go off, so I declare that the imp is being honest. He is worthy of my aid in going to Meereen.
Then, out of nowhere, a giant pink shark rushes into the scene and attacks Tyrion.
Pink Shark: FIN-TASTIC!
Tyrion: AGHHHH! What the hell was that?!
Pink Shark: Oh, I’m sorry. Did you think I attacked you? It was a total accident. Sometimes I get too excited trying to get people to try my delicious Kool-Aid flavor, named after myself. I am… SHARKLEBERRY FIN!
That’s right. It’s Sharkleberry Fin, the pink Kool-Aid mascot who debuted in 1989 with his flavor, a sort of mix of orange, strawberry and banana.
Tyrion: No. Wait. Sharkleberry Fin? Really?
Yes.
Tyrion: But isn’t the place in the books where “Penny” shows up? She’s one of the dwarves that rode on the pig and the dog back in A Storm of Swords Chapter 60 at the Purple Wedding. You know, where Joffrey mocks me with their Dwarf Fighting Show and then dies? Only now Penny shows up and reveals that her brother, Oppo, was murdered, beheaded, and his head was one of those dwarf heads brought before Cersei
Yes, this is where that happens in the books. But Penny is a terrible character.
Tyrion: That is true. Perhaps the worst character in the entire book series.
So, for the Jingle of Ice and Fire, Penny will be replaced by Sharkleberry Fin.
Tyrion: But Sharkleberry Fin is a terrible character too
He is. But not as bad as Penny.
Sharkleberry Fin: Terrible? No way man, I’m… FIN-TASTIC!
Jorah: Ugh. Is that the only thing that this shark says? “Fintastic” over and over again?
Sharkleberry Fin: No! It’s not the only thing I say, dudes. I also say, “Tastes so Hip, it will make you Flip!” Here, watch this!
He gives a cup of Sharkleberry Fin to the Widow of the Waterfront. It tastes go good that she flips into the waters nearby using outdated, cheesy, early 1990s special effects.
Widow: That was so delicious that now I HAVE to help Tyrion and this pink shark. Tyrion, I will send you aboard a ship called the “Selaesori Qhoran”, which is leaving in two days for Qarth.
Tyrion: Two questions, sorry. First, what does that fancy Essos word you said mean?
Widow: Oh? “Selaesori Qhoran?” It means “Perfumed Seneschal.”
Tyrion: Okay, second question… QARTH? We’re not supposed to go to Qarth. We’re supposed to go to Meereen if we want to see the Dragon Queen.
Widow: Benerro the High Priest has foreseen it in his flames that the ship will never reach Qarth.
Tyrion: So you’re saying there will be a storm that will divert the ship to Meereen?
Widow: *shifty eyes* Something like that.
Tyrion: Well great, thank you so much, Widow Lady!
Widow: Hey, I’m no lady. But I have something to as of you. If you… errm… I mean “when” you reach Dany, tell her that the slaves of Old Volantis are waiting for her to help free us. Tell her to come soon.
Tyrion: The only way Dany is going to "come soon" is if Daario is there. AM I RIGHT?
Jorah stuffs the sock back in Tyrion's mouth.
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