*knock*knock*knock*knock*
Dany snaps out of her dream. It was more of a nightmare though. She dreamed that Daario had been killed.
Dany: What is it?
Irri: Hello Khaleesi. I have good news and bad news for you. It is known.
Dany: Oh. Really? That sucks. So give me the bad news first.
Irri: Nine more of the Unsullied have been murdered by the Sons of the Harpy in the streets overnight. Apparently putting up your signs around the city saying “pretty please, do not murder the Unsullied” has not been effective as you thought it might have been.
Dany: DAMNIT!!! Okay, well, that sucks. Well, at least I’m ready for the good news now.
Irri: Oh, sorry. Did I say that there was good news? I just meant that there is bad news. It is also known.
Dany: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
She wakes up and goes to see what’s happened and who has been killed. She soon finds Missandei crying.
Dany: Missandei, what’s wrong?
Missandei: My brother, Mossador… he… he was one of the men killed!
Dany: Oh crap. GREY WORM! What’s going on here?
Grey Worm: Mossador was poisoned. We were not able to catch any of the men responsible. We did arrest the wineseller though. He claims to have no knowledge of any plot.
Dany: GRRR!! Shavepate!
Skahaz mo Kandaq: Yes, Dany?
Dany: Make sure that you question this wineseller. And his family. SHARPLY.
The Shavepate pulls out a blade.
Skahaz: Oh yeah. Sharply indeed.
He begins to run for the door to get his torture on. He tries to conceal his raging erection.
Dany: Wait! Stop! I’m not done yet. I also want you to pull the Unsullied from patrolling the streets. From now on, only a force of freemen from Meereen will patrol the streets. Of course, we don’t have the money to fund this force yet. OR DO WE? Order a new blood tax on all of the great houses of Meereen who live in the pyramids. They shall pay for the murders they have committed. Literally pay. With a tax to pay for the new police force I’m setting up. Also, every pyramid of the rich families must surrender to me two of their children, so I can keep them as hostages to ensure their loyalty.
Skahaz: Oh, please Dany. Stop it! Stop it! I can only be so turned on.
The Shavepate turns again to run out of the room. This is his kind of ruthless rule!
Dany goes over to Missandei.
Dany: There, there, sweet girl. I promise I will avenge your brother’s death. If you need to get as far away from Meereen as possible, I understand. I can send you back to the Summer Isles, if you wish.
Missandei: Oh yeah, send me back to the Summer Isles where the slave traders still frequently raid so that I can be kidnapped into slavery AGAIN. Great idea.
Dany: Oh. Uh. Okay. So I guess you want to stay with me?
Missandei: Ding ding ding! Yep.
Dany: Shees, that’s pretty cutting sarcasm. But your brother just died. So I’ll let it go.
Dany needs a breath of fresh air. So she heads out onto her balcony to breath heavily and fret.
Dany: Okay, that’s enough fretting. I need a bath now. Yep, that’s right. Another Dany bath scene! YES INDEED! Ned Stark probably had to bathe a lot, and yet GRRM never felt it necessary to extensively write about that. You just have to assume that every few days or when Ned got dirty, he took a bath. When he beheaded that dude in Chapter 1? He probably took a bath after it to clean any blood off. Was it mentioned? No. Me, however, I can’t go two chapters without getting totally nude and soapy.
She strips down, throws in the Mr. Bubble, and fetches her rubber ducky. Splash splash.
Dany: And as you fantasize about me bathing in soapy water, remember that it is presently the year 300 AC. I was born in 284 AC. Which means I am, at maximum, still only 16 years old. Potentially only 15.
R. Kelly: Hey Dany! I just wanted to—
Drogon suddenly swoops down, burns and eats R. Kelly.
Dany: That was unexpected.
Quaithe: Not as unexpected… AS ME!!!!!
Dany: OH CRAP! QUAITHE! The mysterious, masked woman from Qarth.
Quaithe: Do you remember all the prophecies I told you back in the day in Astapor?
Dany: Yeah. Sort of. To go up you must go down. To go east you must go west. You’ve got to spend money to make money. To succeed, you have to fail first. The more you learn, the more you realize how little you know. The only rule is that there are no rules. Having more choices means that you are less satisfied with the choice you make. To be the man, you've got to beat the man. Woo. Blah blah, something something.
Quaithe: Yes. Pretty much that. Anyway, I’ve got some more deep, prophetic statements to drop on you.
Dany: Really? Now? While I’m bathing?
Quaithe: Yeah, sorry. Look. Magically teleporting and providing vague prophecies is fairly messy business. I can’t always promise to arrive at the best time. It’s sort of like Quantum Leap when Sam never knows exactly where he’s going to leap next or into who.
Dany: Okay, drop some knowledge on me, sister.
Quaithe: Hear me, Daenerys Targaryen. The glass candles are burning.
Dany: That one is the easy, starter prophecy. The readers already know about it. A Feast for Crows extensively talked about “glass” candles… i.e black glass… i.e. obsidian candles burning, and the fact that it represents a return of magic to the world. The birth of my dragons started off that return of magic. Or maybe it was the red comet. Anyway, those two events were simultaneous, so po-tay-to po-tah-to. Sam’s last POV chapter showed that Archmaester Marwyn had gotten the obsidian candle burning again. NEXT!
Quaithe: Soon comes the pale mare, and after her the others.
Dany: Hrmmm. Trickier. Pale mare. Like a white horse? Pretty biblical, but then again Christianity doesn’t exist in this universe so I wouldn’t know that. I’m going to assume that by “pale mare” you’re referring to the “bloody flux” that will be appearing in my upcoming POV chapters, i.e. dysentery. Like in The Oregon Trail. It's called that here in Essos.
Quaithe: Oh. We’re still talking about The Oregon Trail even though all of those “crossing the river” chapters with lame fording and caulking jokes are long gone?
Dany: I guess. But back to your vague prophecies. Do you have any more context about who “the others” are? Are you referring to “the Others” above the wall, or you mean other people?
Quaithe: Other people. Kraken and dark flame! Lion and griffin! The sun’s son and the mummer’s dragon!
Dany: Wow, that’s a lot. Okay. One-by-one then. Let's see...
Dany: Oh, believe me… I will not.
Quaithe: Remember the Undying!
Dany: The House of the Undying, where a number of previous prophecies were provided to me.
Quaithe: Beware the perfumed seneschal!
Dany: My seneschal, Reznak, has already been described as wearing a heavy amount of perfume. But that’s almost TOO easy, so I’d propose the alternative candidates as well:
Dany: Yeah, well, GRRM specifically wrote it that way with a bunch of fake-out candidates so readers couldn’t instantly figure it out. So that’s not really fair, is it?
Quaithe: Do not forget my words, Dany! Remember who you are! Remember the Undying!
Dany: Yes, yes, yes. We went through this already, Quaithe. The House of the Undying prophecies. I already told you. Child of three, they called me. Three mounts they promised me, three fires, and three treasons. One for blood and one for gold and one for—
Missandei: —Who the hell are you talking to?
Dany: Oh, hi Missandei! Check it out! It’s my friend Quaithe from Qarth. She randomly showed up here using her magic powers. Quaithe, say hi to… uhh…
Dany looks. Quaithe is gone.
Dany: I SWEAR! She was here a minute ago.
Missandei: Uh huuuuuuh.
Dany: I’M NOT CRAZY! SHE WAS HERE!
To be continued.
Dany snaps out of her dream. It was more of a nightmare though. She dreamed that Daario had been killed.
Dany: What is it?
Irri: Hello Khaleesi. I have good news and bad news for you. It is known.
Dany: Oh. Really? That sucks. So give me the bad news first.
Irri: Nine more of the Unsullied have been murdered by the Sons of the Harpy in the streets overnight. Apparently putting up your signs around the city saying “pretty please, do not murder the Unsullied” has not been effective as you thought it might have been.
Dany: DAMNIT!!! Okay, well, that sucks. Well, at least I’m ready for the good news now.
Irri: Oh, sorry. Did I say that there was good news? I just meant that there is bad news. It is also known.
Dany: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
She wakes up and goes to see what’s happened and who has been killed. She soon finds Missandei crying.
Dany: Missandei, what’s wrong?
Missandei: My brother, Mossador… he… he was one of the men killed!
Dany: Oh crap. GREY WORM! What’s going on here?
Grey Worm: Mossador was poisoned. We were not able to catch any of the men responsible. We did arrest the wineseller though. He claims to have no knowledge of any plot.
Dany: GRRR!! Shavepate!
Skahaz mo Kandaq: Yes, Dany?
Dany: Make sure that you question this wineseller. And his family. SHARPLY.
The Shavepate pulls out a blade.
Skahaz: Oh yeah. Sharply indeed.
He begins to run for the door to get his torture on. He tries to conceal his raging erection.
Dany: Wait! Stop! I’m not done yet. I also want you to pull the Unsullied from patrolling the streets. From now on, only a force of freemen from Meereen will patrol the streets. Of course, we don’t have the money to fund this force yet. OR DO WE? Order a new blood tax on all of the great houses of Meereen who live in the pyramids. They shall pay for the murders they have committed. Literally pay. With a tax to pay for the new police force I’m setting up. Also, every pyramid of the rich families must surrender to me two of their children, so I can keep them as hostages to ensure their loyalty.
Skahaz: Oh, please Dany. Stop it! Stop it! I can only be so turned on.
The Shavepate turns again to run out of the room. This is his kind of ruthless rule!
Dany goes over to Missandei.
Dany: There, there, sweet girl. I promise I will avenge your brother’s death. If you need to get as far away from Meereen as possible, I understand. I can send you back to the Summer Isles, if you wish.
Missandei: Oh yeah, send me back to the Summer Isles where the slave traders still frequently raid so that I can be kidnapped into slavery AGAIN. Great idea.
Dany: Oh. Uh. Okay. So I guess you want to stay with me?
Missandei: Ding ding ding! Yep.
Dany: Shees, that’s pretty cutting sarcasm. But your brother just died. So I’ll let it go.
Dany needs a breath of fresh air. So she heads out onto her balcony to breath heavily and fret.
Dany: Okay, that’s enough fretting. I need a bath now. Yep, that’s right. Another Dany bath scene! YES INDEED! Ned Stark probably had to bathe a lot, and yet GRRM never felt it necessary to extensively write about that. You just have to assume that every few days or when Ned got dirty, he took a bath. When he beheaded that dude in Chapter 1? He probably took a bath after it to clean any blood off. Was it mentioned? No. Me, however, I can’t go two chapters without getting totally nude and soapy.
She strips down, throws in the Mr. Bubble, and fetches her rubber ducky. Splash splash.
Dany: And as you fantasize about me bathing in soapy water, remember that it is presently the year 300 AC. I was born in 284 AC. Which means I am, at maximum, still only 16 years old. Potentially only 15.
R. Kelly: Hey Dany! I just wanted to—
Drogon suddenly swoops down, burns and eats R. Kelly.
Dany: That was unexpected.
Quaithe: Not as unexpected… AS ME!!!!!
Dany: OH CRAP! QUAITHE! The mysterious, masked woman from Qarth.
Quaithe: Do you remember all the prophecies I told you back in the day in Astapor?
Dany: Yeah. Sort of. To go up you must go down. To go east you must go west. You’ve got to spend money to make money. To succeed, you have to fail first. The more you learn, the more you realize how little you know. The only rule is that there are no rules. Having more choices means that you are less satisfied with the choice you make. To be the man, you've got to beat the man. Woo. Blah blah, something something.
Quaithe: Yes. Pretty much that. Anyway, I’ve got some more deep, prophetic statements to drop on you.
Dany: Really? Now? While I’m bathing?
Quaithe: Yeah, sorry. Look. Magically teleporting and providing vague prophecies is fairly messy business. I can’t always promise to arrive at the best time. It’s sort of like Quantum Leap when Sam never knows exactly where he’s going to leap next or into who.
Dany: Okay, drop some knowledge on me, sister.
Quaithe: Hear me, Daenerys Targaryen. The glass candles are burning.
Dany: That one is the easy, starter prophecy. The readers already know about it. A Feast for Crows extensively talked about “glass” candles… i.e black glass… i.e. obsidian candles burning, and the fact that it represents a return of magic to the world. The birth of my dragons started off that return of magic. Or maybe it was the red comet. Anyway, those two events were simultaneous, so po-tay-to po-tah-to. Sam’s last POV chapter showed that Archmaester Marwyn had gotten the obsidian candle burning again. NEXT!
Quaithe: Soon comes the pale mare, and after her the others.
Dany: Hrmmm. Trickier. Pale mare. Like a white horse? Pretty biblical, but then again Christianity doesn’t exist in this universe so I wouldn’t know that. I’m going to assume that by “pale mare” you’re referring to the “bloody flux” that will be appearing in my upcoming POV chapters, i.e. dysentery. Like in The Oregon Trail. It's called that here in Essos.
Quaithe: Oh. We’re still talking about The Oregon Trail even though all of those “crossing the river” chapters with lame fording and caulking jokes are long gone?
Dany: I guess. But back to your vague prophecies. Do you have any more context about who “the others” are? Are you referring to “the Others” above the wall, or you mean other people?
Quaithe: Other people. Kraken and dark flame! Lion and griffin! The sun’s son and the mummer’s dragon!
Dany: Wow, that’s a lot. Okay. One-by-one then. Let's see...
- Kraken - This is Victarion Greyjoy. In the last book he was sent by his brother to bring me back as a bride to him, but Victarion plans to woo me for himself. So readers already know that he’s on his way.
- Dark Flame – This term is used to describe Moqorro. He’ll show up later in this book. He’s a red priest in service to the faith of R'hllor. Specifically, he’s nicknamed the “Black Flame,” which is kinda racist because he’s dark-skinned.
- Lion – Tyrion Lannister. Easiest one of the bunch.
- Griffin – He’s bunched together with the lion, and soon we’ll learn that Griff is Jon Connington, the former Hand of the King who everyone thinks is dead. The symbol of the house Connington is a Griffin.
- The Sun’s Son – Quentyn Martell. The logo of House Martell of Dorne is a sun. Quentyn is the son of the Prince of Dorne, Doran. Quentyn is another no-brainer like Tyrion.
- The Mummer’s Dragon – Young Griff / Aegon / Faegon. The “Mummer’s Dragon” works on two levels. First of all, a mummer is an actor. Actors pretend. This implies that this dragon is actually only a pretend dragon. Therefore, when Tyrion eventually reveals that Young Griff is Aegon Targaryen… we aren’t necessarily supposed to put this at face value because everyone might just be pretending that he’s Aegon. Of course, Varys appears to be the mastermind behind this whole Fake Aegon plot thing. Varys is frequently referred to as a “Mummer,” thus the second level that this name works on is the fact that Young Griff / Aegon is “Varys’s Dragon.” It’s a pretty cryptic name, all things considered. Probably the best vague prophecy of the bunch.
Dany: Oh, believe me… I will not.
Quaithe: Remember the Undying!
Dany: The House of the Undying, where a number of previous prophecies were provided to me.
Quaithe: Beware the perfumed seneschal!
Dany: My seneschal, Reznak, has already been described as wearing a heavy amount of perfume. But that’s almost TOO easy, so I’d propose the alternative candidates as well:
- The Selaesori Qhoran – The most likely answer. This is the trading cog that later in this book will bring Tyrion Lannister, Jorah Mormont and the “Black Flame” Moqorro here. Supposedly the name of this cog translates to “Fragrant Steward,” the word “steward” of course being an approximate synonym of seneschal.
- Archmaester Marwyn “the Mage” – the Mage of the Citadel, featured at the end of the last book, who is coming here to find me aboard the ship Cinnamon Wind. There was extensive and otherwise (apparently) unnecessary discussion in that Sam POV chapter about how seneschals in the Citadel are chosen randomly every year. Why else mention that fact if it had no plot purposes? Although it was never explicitly said that Marwyn had served as a seneschal before, it’s quite possible that he did. All his “mage” stuff also involves him having all those scented incense sticks and stuff. Or maybe he just has those because he smokes weed.
- Archmaester Theobald – A subset of the above theory. It was mentioned that he was the upcoming seneschal of the Old Town Maesters. Thus far we have no information about his scent, but whatever. It’s a possibility, and he’s the next most likely character after Reznak who is specifically be called “seneschal.”
- Varys – He has also been described as heavily perfumed and his duties in Westeros were not that different from what could be called the duties of a "seneschal."
- Garth Tyrell – Okay, this one is a long shot. But I figured I’d include it. He’s the Lord Seneschal of Highgarden. That has almost nothing to do with anything going on here in Essos. Unlike Reznak, he’s not presently in the city with me. Unlike the Selaesori Qhoran or Marwyn the Mage… he’s not coming my way at all. He’s just sitting around in Highgarden. However, he is, for some reason, explicitly described as being flatulent and farting all the time, which makes him “perfumed” in a manner of speaking. If you define “perfumed” as “having a notable smell.”
Dany: Yeah, well, GRRM specifically wrote it that way with a bunch of fake-out candidates so readers couldn’t instantly figure it out. So that’s not really fair, is it?
Quaithe: Do not forget my words, Dany! Remember who you are! Remember the Undying!
Dany: Yes, yes, yes. We went through this already, Quaithe. The House of the Undying prophecies. I already told you. Child of three, they called me. Three mounts they promised me, three fires, and three treasons. One for blood and one for gold and one for—
Missandei: —Who the hell are you talking to?
Dany: Oh, hi Missandei! Check it out! It’s my friend Quaithe from Qarth. She randomly showed up here using her magic powers. Quaithe, say hi to… uhh…
Dany looks. Quaithe is gone.
Dany: I SWEAR! She was here a minute ago.
Missandei: Uh huuuuuuh.
Dany: I’M NOT CRAZY! SHE WAS HERE!
To be continued.
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