Tyrion: Cool! It’s only Chapter 14 in the entire book and I’ve already had four POV chapters? DUDES! I’m like totally the main character of this book! At last! Time to celebrate!!!
Tyrion cracks open a bottle of wine and begins drinking it.
Until it’s snatched and thrown over the side of the Shy Maid and into the river Rhoyne.
Griff: No.
Tyrion: GRIFF! What did you do that for?
Griff: Enough drinking, “Hugor Hill.” I’m cutting you off.
Tyrion: NO! You can’t! I’ve been nonstop drunk since Westeros. I can’t go cold turkey. I’ll get the shakes for days!
Griff: Too bad.
Tyrion is cut off, cold turkey. He has the shakes for days.
Tyrion: See?
Griff: Whatever, we got over all of that with two lines of dialogue. Now it’s passed and you’re better.
Tyrion: I… guess. Why do you got to be so pissy to me though?
Griff: Because you’re super annoying.
Tyrion: Also, you seem to be pissy to everyone else too. Are you just a pissy guy?
Griff: Shut up, Hugor. I am slightly annoyed that Yandry and Ysilla, the two people who control and own this boat, are not travelling by both night and day. We need to get down to Queen Dany FASTER! And yet they always break for night. LAME.
Tyrion: Ugh. Yandry and Ysilla. Two additional characters?! Do I have to remember and learn about them too?
Griff: Not really. Overall, I’d say they’re fairly useless.
Tyrion: Well what other damn characters do I have to learn about now? There’s you, Duck, Halfmaester Haldon, Young Griff, Yandry, and Ysilla. Anyone else?
Griff: Septa Lemore is here too.
Tyrion: Septa? There is a septa here as well?
Griff: Yes. Right there.
He points. The Septa is out in the water, bathing herself.
Tyrion: Great, well now I have an erection.
Griff: DUDE, SHE’S A SEPTA! That’s the Ice and Fire equivalent of a nun.
Tyrion: I know. What? You’re saying I can’t get turned on by a nun? There are some pretty hot nuns out there. You don’t think nun fetishes are a thing? I can tell you, dude. They are a thing.
Griff: Gross, Hugor. Gross.
Tyrion: Plus I can tell she’s no virginal little lady, either. Look at those stretch-marks on her belly. She’s clearly given birth to some kid at some point in the past.
Griff: You’re looking at her stretch marks now? YOU ARE SICK AND I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT ANY MORE OF YOUR FETISHES!
The Septa then comes over.
Septa Lamore: Hey you, Yollo.
Tyrion: Actually, it’s “Hugor Hill.”
Septa: Are you being a total creeper and gawking at me and saying sexual things about me?
Tyrion: Maybe a little.
Septa: Oh. Okay.
And she goes about her business, not even giving a damn.
Tyrion: That was a slightly unexpected reaction. Also, she must have really good hearing.
Yandry and/or Ysilla: DING DING DING! Breakfast time!
Tyrion: Did you just speak out the words “ding ding ding?”
Yandry and/or Ysilla: Yes.
Tyrion: Do I have to remember which of your characters is which or care about either of you?
Yandry and/or Ysilla: No.
Tyrion: Good.
They have breakfast and move on. Afterwards, Tyrion sees Young Griff and Duck, jousting and practicing at sword fighting.
Young Griff totally kicks Duck’s butt, and knocks him into the river.
Tyrion: Hahaha! You suck, Duck! Oh! That rhymes! I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it.
Duck: Hey Yollo, shut up.
Duck gets out of the water, and then pushes Tyrion right in.
Tyrion: AGH!!!! What the hell?! Dude! I’m so tiny! I could easily have drowned. You don’t even know if I can swim.
Duck: Well, it looks like you can.
Tyrion: Okay, I can. I don’t even know why you’re angry though. Don’t Ducks like the water?
Duck: Har-dee-har-har.
Tyrion then jumps back onto the boat, doing a cartwheel.
Duck: Dude, that is so strange and insulting to dwarves. Doing cartwheels is basically the blackface equivalent for little persons.
Tyrion: Yeah, I guess I do that in the books. Rarely. It’s been a while. Anyway, I guess my clothes are ruined now and I’ll need new ones.
Septa: I guess I’ll make you some new clothes.
Tyrion: Ah, you should make them out of your clothes. And by that I mean you should take your clothes off now, cut them apart, and sew them up. So you can be naked again.
Septa: No. That doesn't even make sense.
Tyrion: It was worth a try.
The Septa makes him new clothes anyway. It, of course, is in a motley pattern of cut up material. Which makes him look even more like a jester.
Duck: Ugh. Again? I’m really, really uncomfortable like this. Doing somersaults and wearing motley? This is super offensive, man. This is nearing just as offensive and racist as GRRM is about black people in that Sam chapter, where he basically had that ship captain do everything other than eat a watermelon.
Tyrion: Yes, that was pretty racist.
Griff then shows up.
Griff: What is this? FUN?! Are you people having fun! STOP THAT AT ONCE! NO FUN ON MY VESSEL!
Yandry and/or Ysilla: Your vessel? But this is our vessel!
Griff: SHUT UP! I told you, neither of you will be important for the plot. Now Hugor Hill… you’re supposed to be this big dragon expert or something, huh?
Tyrion: Sort of.
Griff: Go below deck. There you’ll find a table, ink, a pen, and paper. Start writing down every thing you know about dragons.
Tyrion: Why do I have to write it down? Can’t I just tell you all about it?
Griff: Well, what if something horrible happens to you on the way down to meet Dany?
Tyrion: Terrible like what?
Griff: I dunno. What if you get kidnapped by some slave trader who has been exiled from the Bear Islands in the north, and you’re mistaken for a jester because you’re dressed like a jester, and therefore you’re sold into slavery as a jester?
Tyrion: That seems highly unlikely.
Griff: It could happen.
Thus Tyrion goes down to write down everything he knows about dragons.
Later, he joins Haldon. Haldon is providing history lessons to Young Griff.
Haldon: And why did the American Civil War begin?
Young Griff: Because northern aggression and their refusal to recognize states’ rights?
Haldon hits Young Griff in the side of the head with a large history book until he’s bloody.
Haldon: NO! NO NO NO! You must have previously gone to school in Texas. It was slavery, Young Griff. SLAVERY.
Young Griff leaves.
Tyrion: Hrm. Just who is this Young Griff?
Haldon: Oh, nobody important. Just Griff’s son.
Tyrion: Really? Why does Griff’s son get special history lessons taught to him by a half-maester? Why does Griff’s son have a knight who is training him to be a skilled fighter? Why does Griff’s son have a personal Septa assigned just to him, so that he can learn the ways of the Seven Gods?
Haldon: Uhh… for reasons.
Tyrion: Is that so?
Haldon: Yes?
Tyrion notices that Haldon has a cyvasse board in front of him.
Tyrion: Maybe you and me should play some of this chess.
Haldon: It’s “cyvasse.”
Tyrion: Yeah, whatever you say. It’s chess. Really, I think the game it represents is the Game of Thrones, which I mean because you defend a king who—
--Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Game of Thrones" flashes again and again.
Haldon: Again, Tyrion?
Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!
Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!
And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back into the waters of the Little Rhoyne.
Tyrion: Sorry I keep doing that. Anyway, I always like to gamble when I play chess. So maybe we should make a bet on this game.
Haldon: What do you even have to offer me?
Tyrion: Let’s play for secrets! You win, I tell you my secrets. I win, you tell me yours.
Haldon: Wait… are you secretly really good at this game and you’re trying to hustle me?
Tyrion: No, of course not.
They play cyvasse. Tyrion totally hustles him and wins.
Haldon: DAMNIT! I KNEW IT!
Tyrion: Well, Haldon Halfmaester. I guess you have to tell me important secrets now.
Haldon: *sigh* Okay, about what?
Tyrion: You know what. What I was asking about earlier. Who is Young Griff?
Haldon: Ah, well you see…
[Insert convienient time jump here, where we move the plot forward].
Tyrion: Wait… what just happened there?
Duck: Hi, you’re with me now. The plot jumped forward in time. It’s like one of those “Flash Forward” things on Arrow.
Tyrion: What the hell?! That completely skipped over Haldon telling me the secret.
Duck: It did. But plot-wise, now you know the secret. Only the audience doesn’t.
Tyrion: Well that’s a bit of a cheap narrative technique.
Duck: Correct.
Tyrion: Well, I better have a long, mopey, internal dialogue now, thinking about my first wife, Tysha and “wherever whores go.” Probably to Volantis, right? Maybe when I get to Volantis, I’ll find her there and can apologize to her for letting those soliders run a train on her and doing nothing. Maybe I can… OH HELL! WHAT IS THAT THERE?!
Tyrion sees the ruins of a majestic, ancient city. They sail right by it.
Duck: Oh, that’s Ny Sar. It once contained the palace of Princess Nymeria, but was destroyed by the Valyrian Freehold ages ago.
Tyrion: Holy crap! The city of Nymeria! Amazing. So many stories about it. I didn’t know what to believe. Like the stories about the Rhoyne River. They said it was huge. The largest in the world. But look at this tiny thing we’re on. Why I’ve peed a bigger flow than this.
Septa: Dude, this is just the Little Rhoyne. It hasn’t even met up with the other branches of the river yet. You’ll see soon.
Suddenly, a giant turtle emerges from the water. And I don’t mean “giant turtle” as in “a fairly large turtle like you’re probably thinking.” I mean GIANT. The turtle is basically the size of a house. The ship crashes into it. The house turtle gets slightly annoyed.
Yandry and/or Ysilla: AGHHH!!!! OH MY! THE OLD MAN OF THE RIVER! WE ARE BLESSED!
Tyrion: What the hell is going on here? The Old Man of the River? What?
Duck: Some turtle god that the people here worship. I dunno. Garin talked about it in an Arienne Martell chapter, but we left it out of the Jingle here because it seemed boring, stupid, and not worth mentioning. Because honestly, it is.
Tyrion: Well, I can see why a turtle god would want to show up. After all, he is in the presence of a KING!!!!!!
Everyone stares back blankly at Tyrion.
Tyrion: You know, because I know who Young Griff is now. He’s a king. Only we skipped forward past that part in the narrative, so that the readers still don’t know who.
Septa: Oh, you mean Rhaegar’s son, Aegon?
Tyrion: *sigh*
Tyrion cracks open a bottle of wine and begins drinking it.
Until it’s snatched and thrown over the side of the Shy Maid and into the river Rhoyne.
Griff: No.
Tyrion: GRIFF! What did you do that for?
Griff: Enough drinking, “Hugor Hill.” I’m cutting you off.
Tyrion: NO! You can’t! I’ve been nonstop drunk since Westeros. I can’t go cold turkey. I’ll get the shakes for days!
Griff: Too bad.
Tyrion is cut off, cold turkey. He has the shakes for days.
Tyrion: See?
Griff: Whatever, we got over all of that with two lines of dialogue. Now it’s passed and you’re better.
Tyrion: I… guess. Why do you got to be so pissy to me though?
Griff: Because you’re super annoying.
Tyrion: Also, you seem to be pissy to everyone else too. Are you just a pissy guy?
Griff: Shut up, Hugor. I am slightly annoyed that Yandry and Ysilla, the two people who control and own this boat, are not travelling by both night and day. We need to get down to Queen Dany FASTER! And yet they always break for night. LAME.
Tyrion: Ugh. Yandry and Ysilla. Two additional characters?! Do I have to remember and learn about them too?
Griff: Not really. Overall, I’d say they’re fairly useless.
Tyrion: Well what other damn characters do I have to learn about now? There’s you, Duck, Halfmaester Haldon, Young Griff, Yandry, and Ysilla. Anyone else?
Griff: Septa Lemore is here too.
Tyrion: Septa? There is a septa here as well?
Griff: Yes. Right there.
He points. The Septa is out in the water, bathing herself.
Tyrion: Great, well now I have an erection.
Griff: DUDE, SHE’S A SEPTA! That’s the Ice and Fire equivalent of a nun.
Tyrion: I know. What? You’re saying I can’t get turned on by a nun? There are some pretty hot nuns out there. You don’t think nun fetishes are a thing? I can tell you, dude. They are a thing.
Griff: Gross, Hugor. Gross.
Tyrion: Plus I can tell she’s no virginal little lady, either. Look at those stretch-marks on her belly. She’s clearly given birth to some kid at some point in the past.
Griff: You’re looking at her stretch marks now? YOU ARE SICK AND I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT ANY MORE OF YOUR FETISHES!
The Septa then comes over.
Septa Lamore: Hey you, Yollo.
Tyrion: Actually, it’s “Hugor Hill.”
Septa: Are you being a total creeper and gawking at me and saying sexual things about me?
Tyrion: Maybe a little.
Septa: Oh. Okay.
And she goes about her business, not even giving a damn.
Tyrion: That was a slightly unexpected reaction. Also, she must have really good hearing.
Yandry and/or Ysilla: DING DING DING! Breakfast time!
Tyrion: Did you just speak out the words “ding ding ding?”
Yandry and/or Ysilla: Yes.
Tyrion: Do I have to remember which of your characters is which or care about either of you?
Yandry and/or Ysilla: No.
Tyrion: Good.
They have breakfast and move on. Afterwards, Tyrion sees Young Griff and Duck, jousting and practicing at sword fighting.
Young Griff totally kicks Duck’s butt, and knocks him into the river.
Tyrion: Hahaha! You suck, Duck! Oh! That rhymes! I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it.
Duck: Hey Yollo, shut up.
Duck gets out of the water, and then pushes Tyrion right in.
Tyrion: AGH!!!! What the hell?! Dude! I’m so tiny! I could easily have drowned. You don’t even know if I can swim.
Duck: Well, it looks like you can.
Tyrion: Okay, I can. I don’t even know why you’re angry though. Don’t Ducks like the water?
Duck: Har-dee-har-har.
Tyrion then jumps back onto the boat, doing a cartwheel.
Duck: Dude, that is so strange and insulting to dwarves. Doing cartwheels is basically the blackface equivalent for little persons.
Tyrion: Yeah, I guess I do that in the books. Rarely. It’s been a while. Anyway, I guess my clothes are ruined now and I’ll need new ones.
Septa: I guess I’ll make you some new clothes.
Tyrion: Ah, you should make them out of your clothes. And by that I mean you should take your clothes off now, cut them apart, and sew them up. So you can be naked again.
Septa: No. That doesn't even make sense.
Tyrion: It was worth a try.
The Septa makes him new clothes anyway. It, of course, is in a motley pattern of cut up material. Which makes him look even more like a jester.
Duck: Ugh. Again? I’m really, really uncomfortable like this. Doing somersaults and wearing motley? This is super offensive, man. This is nearing just as offensive and racist as GRRM is about black people in that Sam chapter, where he basically had that ship captain do everything other than eat a watermelon.
Tyrion: Yes, that was pretty racist.
Griff then shows up.
Griff: What is this? FUN?! Are you people having fun! STOP THAT AT ONCE! NO FUN ON MY VESSEL!
Yandry and/or Ysilla: Your vessel? But this is our vessel!
Griff: SHUT UP! I told you, neither of you will be important for the plot. Now Hugor Hill… you’re supposed to be this big dragon expert or something, huh?
Tyrion: Sort of.
Griff: Go below deck. There you’ll find a table, ink, a pen, and paper. Start writing down every thing you know about dragons.
Tyrion: Why do I have to write it down? Can’t I just tell you all about it?
Griff: Well, what if something horrible happens to you on the way down to meet Dany?
Tyrion: Terrible like what?
Griff: I dunno. What if you get kidnapped by some slave trader who has been exiled from the Bear Islands in the north, and you’re mistaken for a jester because you’re dressed like a jester, and therefore you’re sold into slavery as a jester?
Tyrion: That seems highly unlikely.
Griff: It could happen.
Thus Tyrion goes down to write down everything he knows about dragons.
Later, he joins Haldon. Haldon is providing history lessons to Young Griff.
Haldon: And why did the American Civil War begin?
Young Griff: Because northern aggression and their refusal to recognize states’ rights?
Haldon hits Young Griff in the side of the head with a large history book until he’s bloody.
Haldon: NO! NO NO NO! You must have previously gone to school in Texas. It was slavery, Young Griff. SLAVERY.
Young Griff leaves.
Tyrion: Hrm. Just who is this Young Griff?
Haldon: Oh, nobody important. Just Griff’s son.
Tyrion: Really? Why does Griff’s son get special history lessons taught to him by a half-maester? Why does Griff’s son have a knight who is training him to be a skilled fighter? Why does Griff’s son have a personal Septa assigned just to him, so that he can learn the ways of the Seven Gods?
Haldon: Uhh… for reasons.
Tyrion: Is that so?
Haldon: Yes?
Tyrion notices that Haldon has a cyvasse board in front of him.
Tyrion: Maybe you and me should play some of this chess.
Haldon: It’s “cyvasse.”
Tyrion: Yeah, whatever you say. It’s chess. Really, I think the game it represents is the Game of Thrones, which I mean because you defend a king who—
--Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Game of Thrones" flashes again and again.
Haldon: Again, Tyrion?
Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!
Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!
And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back into the waters of the Little Rhoyne.
Tyrion: Sorry I keep doing that. Anyway, I always like to gamble when I play chess. So maybe we should make a bet on this game.
Haldon: What do you even have to offer me?
Tyrion: Let’s play for secrets! You win, I tell you my secrets. I win, you tell me yours.
Haldon: Wait… are you secretly really good at this game and you’re trying to hustle me?
Tyrion: No, of course not.
They play cyvasse. Tyrion totally hustles him and wins.
Haldon: DAMNIT! I KNEW IT!
Tyrion: Well, Haldon Halfmaester. I guess you have to tell me important secrets now.
Haldon: *sigh* Okay, about what?
Tyrion: You know what. What I was asking about earlier. Who is Young Griff?
Haldon: Ah, well you see…
[Insert convienient time jump here, where we move the plot forward].
Tyrion: Wait… what just happened there?
Duck: Hi, you’re with me now. The plot jumped forward in time. It’s like one of those “Flash Forward” things on Arrow.
Tyrion: What the hell?! That completely skipped over Haldon telling me the secret.
Duck: It did. But plot-wise, now you know the secret. Only the audience doesn’t.
Tyrion: Well that’s a bit of a cheap narrative technique.
Duck: Correct.
Tyrion: Well, I better have a long, mopey, internal dialogue now, thinking about my first wife, Tysha and “wherever whores go.” Probably to Volantis, right? Maybe when I get to Volantis, I’ll find her there and can apologize to her for letting those soliders run a train on her and doing nothing. Maybe I can… OH HELL! WHAT IS THAT THERE?!
Tyrion sees the ruins of a majestic, ancient city. They sail right by it.
Duck: Oh, that’s Ny Sar. It once contained the palace of Princess Nymeria, but was destroyed by the Valyrian Freehold ages ago.
Tyrion: Holy crap! The city of Nymeria! Amazing. So many stories about it. I didn’t know what to believe. Like the stories about the Rhoyne River. They said it was huge. The largest in the world. But look at this tiny thing we’re on. Why I’ve peed a bigger flow than this.
Septa: Dude, this is just the Little Rhoyne. It hasn’t even met up with the other branches of the river yet. You’ll see soon.
Suddenly, a giant turtle emerges from the water. And I don’t mean “giant turtle” as in “a fairly large turtle like you’re probably thinking.” I mean GIANT. The turtle is basically the size of a house. The ship crashes into it. The house turtle gets slightly annoyed.
Yandry and/or Ysilla: AGHHH!!!! OH MY! THE OLD MAN OF THE RIVER! WE ARE BLESSED!
Tyrion: What the hell is going on here? The Old Man of the River? What?
Duck: Some turtle god that the people here worship. I dunno. Garin talked about it in an Arienne Martell chapter, but we left it out of the Jingle here because it seemed boring, stupid, and not worth mentioning. Because honestly, it is.
Tyrion: Well, I can see why a turtle god would want to show up. After all, he is in the presence of a KING!!!!!!
Everyone stares back blankly at Tyrion.
Tyrion: You know, because I know who Young Griff is now. He’s a king. Only we skipped forward past that part in the narrative, so that the readers still don’t know who.
Septa: Oh, you mean Rhaegar’s son, Aegon?
Tyrion: *sigh*
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