Friday, March 8, 2019

ADwD 7: Jon II

If you feel like you’re having déjà vu reading this chapter, don’t worry. You absolutely are.

Jon has a letter before him. He doesn’t want to sign it.

Jon: Ugh. We in the Watch aren’t supposed to take any position in these wars of the kings. We’re supposed to be neutral. I don’t want to sign this. *sigh* But they elected me to make these tough decisions. So I guess I have to.

He signs it.

Jon: Okay, next I—

Hey wait! Are we going to get any more info than that?


Jon: No. I’m not explaining what the letter is about. I’m being cryptic.

Oh. Why bother being cryptic though. The content of the letter was already explained in the last book.

Jon: Whatevs. So, like I was saying… next, I need to talk to Gilly. Edd, get here.

Edd: Okay.

Gilly magically appears.

Jon: I’m just going to go through this real quickly because everybody already knows what I’m going to do, okay? Look… you know that little baby that you’re breastfeeding?

Gilly: Dalla’s son, aye.

Jon: Yeah, well… Melisandre the Red Witch thinks that it’s got magic king blood and that setting it on fire will make dragons wake up from Dragonstone.

Gibby: Holy shit! Is that woman crazy?

Jon: Yes. Crazy hot. Oh yeah, and just normal crazy as well.

Gilly: Get me away from her crazy ass!

Jon: Haha, exactly what I was thinking. Anyway, I’m going to need to switch the two babies out and send you away with Dalla’s son.  So you’ll never see your son again.

Gilly: WHAT?! NO! Then she’ll set my son on fire instead.

Jon: No she won’t. After you’re long gone, I’ll tell her about the switch. Therefore setting the baby on fire will be of no use so she won’t even bother. Yeah, she likes setting people and babies on fire. But only if they have magic king’s blood.  She doesn’t care about inbred white trash Wildling blood.

Gilly: HEY!

Jon: Oh. Sorry. Is that offensive? I mean "she doesn't care about inbred white trash Free Folk blood." Better?

Gilly: Also, just send me away with both of the kids. That way they’ll both be safe.

Jon: No can do.  If you leave with both kids, they’ll know that Mance and Dalla’s kid is leaving too and they’ll stop you. If they think it’s just you and your kid going, they will not care at all.

Gilly: NOOOO!!!! I refuse.

Jon: Ah yeaaah, well… ya see… it’s more of a command than a request. So pack up your bags and say goodbye to your child forever. You’re leaving tomorrow and you’ll never see your baby again. Whelp! Great convo. Would love to chat again except other than briefly watching you leave tomorrow morning, I’ll never see or talk to you again. Hasta.

Edd grabs her and  throws her out the door as she cries.

Jon: Being Lord Commander is so much fun. Okay. Next… SAM!

Sam is summoned.

Sam: Hey.

Jon: Check out this letter to King Tommen. It declares the Watch’s neutrality and emphasizes that Stannis only helped us defend the Wall from the Wildlings, but clarifies that we are NOT Stannis’s men. But I hate the fact that I have to send it, because it’s sort of like bending the knee a little too the Lannisters, who murdered my entire family.

Sam: Whoa, déjà vu. Didn’t I already see this?

Jon: Yes. You did. But now a book later we’re doing a complete re-do from my POV. Sorry if that sounds duplicative.

Sam: Actually, it’s sort of cool. The same story retold from two different people with limited POVs? Artistically, I think it’s a very compelling—

Jon: —Let me stop you there, because I do not care. Also, the only thing more awkward than sending you away and hearing you cry endlessly about it once is sending you away and all that stuff I said TWICE.

Sam: Wait… what?

Jon: Oh, don’t worry about that. Yet. Back to the letter thing.

Sam: Well, you have to send it. What if the Lannisters win? Then you’ll be a traitor if you declared for Stannis. Signing this letter is sort of a shield for you.

Jon: A shield? It’s a freaking paper shield.

Sam: Better than no shield.

Jon: That's like saying that praying is a better form of medicine than no medicine. It's dumb. TAKE YOUR KIDS TO THE HOSPITAL! So what did you find out about while reading all those old musty books?

Sam: Do we really have to go through this all again?

Jon: *gasp* You mean you don't want to do this again either? Great! Please just scroll to the top, clink the link, and re-read AFfC 5 again.

Sam: Okay, I’ll do that.

Sam does that, reading that whole chapter all over again. Just like you should be doing. Go on. Do it. Here is the link again in case you didn't click it above. Seriously. Read it or this chapter makes no sense.

Sam: HEY! What the hell?! This says you’re sending me, Gilly, and Maester Aemon away to Old Town. I’m to train to be a Maester!

Jon: I am.

Sam: But I—

Jon: —No buts, Sam. You know how the chapter goes now and you can’t fight it. If you do, and purposefully change the future now, it would be just like when Biff Tannen became president because that sports almanac book thingie. You’ll wind up dead and then get hit by lightning and end up in the old west. Something like that. Look, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen those movies. Give me a break. Flea was in them or something, right? And the chick from Leaving Las Vegas?

Sam: Elisabeth Shue? Yes. She replaced Claudia Wells as Jennifer after the first film. But that's not important. What's important is that I don't want to become a Maester because I—

Jon: —No, we’re done. Bye.

And John has Edd grab Sam and kicks him out too. Yeah. Ed is pretty strong. 

Jon sighs and thinks back to some advice that Maester Aemon gave him. This is new POV stuff that only Jon would know about and not Sam, so let’s roll with it…
Maester Aemon: Ah, young Jon Snow. It seems like you’re having the same problem my young brother Egg did when he was a young man.

Jon: Oh really? That sounds like a really, really, really interesting story. I’d love to hear all sorts of additional stories about your younger brother Egg. Extensively and at the detriment to the completion of this novel series.

Aemon: Really?

Jon: NO, I WAS BEING FACETIOUS! GET ON WITH THE STORY!

Aemon: Whoa, tone it down a notch, JS. I’m blind. Not deaf. Anyway, Egg was never supposed to be king himself. And yet all of this great power and responsibility suddenly fell on him, just like it has fallen on you… now that you are Lord Commander. He was twice the age you are now Jon, yet he still had a child-like innocence to him like you.

Jon: Okay, wow. That’s a pretty bold comparison you’re making there, Aemon. I just became Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Egg wound up becoming King Aegon V Targaryen. Should you really be comparing me to someone who winds up becoming king and sitting on the Iron Throne?

Aemon: Actually, I really, really should be doing exactly that.

Jon: Huh?

Aemon: Anyway, where was I? Ah yes. Egg had a childlike innocence to him. But a boy cannot rule. It takes a man to rule. An Aegon – not an Egg. So I said to him, “kill the boy.”

Jon: What boy? Olly? Because Olly isn’t in the boo—

Aemon: —No, shut up. *ahem* “Kill the boy and let the man be born.” That’s what you need to do. You need to kill the boy inside of you. Kill your innocence and wonder. Let me man be born. Do not try to get joy from your command. Joyful rulers quickly become dead rulers. You must be strong. Winter is almost upon us.

Jon: Oh, I get it. So basically you’re saying I should send every single friend and ally that I’ve ever had here at Castle Black away, leaving me defenseless?

Aemon: What? No! I never said that.

Jon: No, I get it. Okay, so I’ll send Pyp, Grenn, and all those other guys who I’ve been friends with since Book 1 away. Toad? Is that one of them? I'm not sure. I think "Toad" sounds vaguely familiar. Along with you and Sam. I’ll make sure to have ZERO allies left with me here.

Aemon: No. No. I said none of those things. How are you interpreting “Kill the boy and let the man be born” as you being required to send everyone you trust away?

Jon: You can’t take it back now, Aemon.

Jon: Yep, and that’s how that entire flashback all happened.

Jon then leaves to  walk around the castle. By talking with others, he learns that Stannis has sent out two envoys to the south, to meet with the northern lords. Yeah, he’s sending people SOUTH to meet with the NORTHern lords. That’s just how it works when you’re here on the Wall and what everyone calls “North” is to the south of you.

Jon: Hrm. Envoys in addition to the Onion Knight, who he already sent out to meet with Lord Manderly? I guess he really needs some more allies. Well, hopefully he listened to the advise I gave him.

Jon then curls up into a ball and goes to sleep right there because I need to move this story along.

The next day he wakes up to watch Gilly, Sam and Aemon’s caravan leave.

Jon: Bye! I’ll probably never see any of you again! Bye!

Aemon: Wait, before I go, check out this book. It’s called “the Jade Compendium.” 

Jon: Ugh. Déjà vu all over again. The Jade Compendium once more… in two different books? I guess this is supposed to be super important, huh? Okay, I guess I’ll read it. Hopefully it provides some new information on something important, and doesn't just duplicate information about Azor Ahai and Nissa Nissa that was already provided in an earlier Davos chapter.

Sorry folks, it will actually only provide duplicate information about Azor Ahai and Nissa Nissa that was already provided in an earlier Davos chapter.

Gilly: And you make sure that “Dalla’s boy” grows up big and strong, Jon Snow. And don’t name him before two years because that’s bad luck.

Sam: Wait. Why did Gilly just air quote “Dalla’s boy?”

Jon: You are like the slowest person alive, Sam. I don’t just mean in running a 5K either.

The caravan exits, and I suppose their ring music plays like after a WWF match. I refuse to say WWE. I know it’s been 20 years, but whatever.

Jon: Okay, next up! NEW APPOINTMENT! Guys… everyone… huddle up.

All of the Night’s Watch huddles up because their Lord Commander told them to.

Jon: Stannis has pretty much told us that he’s going to steal all our forts if we’re not manning them. Which means we need to be manning them. Plus we should be manning them anyway even without the Stannis thing because… you know… that whole “army of the dead marching to us” thing that’s been happening recently. And Wildlings, too. Wildlings. An army of the dead. Also giants. And the Others, who are not undead but are the supernatural beings which raise the dead. So… those things are coming our way. And speaking of giants… BEDWYCK!

Bedwyck: Huh? Oh right. I am the shortest man in the Night’s Watch, and therefore I have been nicknamed “Giant” because you guys are all sarcastic douches.

Jon: I’m sending you to command a garrison of thirty men at Icemark.

Bedwyck: Don’t you mean “a garrison of thirty of our best men?”

Jon: Eh, I said what I said and I stick by it. Your mission is to watch for climbers. That seems like a good place where people would climb the Wall.

Guy in Back, Shouting: YOU MEAN LIKE YOU DID, WHEN YOU DEFECTED TO THE WILDLINGS SINCE YOU’RE A TRAITOR?

Crowd: OoOOoOOooo.

Jon: I’ll ignore that! I’m straight up going to move on and pretend like that was never said. Okay. NEXT! Next is Greyguard. I’m going to need that one manned to, also by thirty men. As their commander, I am appointing Janos Slynt.

Janos Slynt: No.

Jon: Uhh… excuse me?

Slynt: I said no, bastard boy! I don’t take orders from a traitor’s bastard. I give them!

Slynt storms out.

Jon: Well, I think that went as well as it could have.

Skip another day.

The next morning, Jon goes to breakfast in the mess hall.  He sees Slynt, Alliser Thorne, and all of their yes men huddling in a corner. They laugh and sneer when Snow walks in.

Jon: Whattup Thorne? Got all your stuff packed yet? I need you to head out to Greyguard today, bro.

Slynt: I said no yesterday, bastard boy. And I say no again.

Jon: It’s not a request, shorty. It’s an order.

Slynt: Shove that order up your asshole.

Crowd: OooOooooo!

Slynt, Thorne, and their butt kisser boys all crack up and slap their knees like this is the most hilarious thing ever.

Jon: Oh. Cool, cool. Uh… hey everyone else in the room who isn’t part of that tiny click of guys over there… who is the Lord Commander again?

Crowd: You.

Jon: Ah, right. So… uhm… if I remember right the penalty for disobeying my orders is… ahh… death. So, men… prepare a rope. Janos Slynt, I sentence you to death.

Slynt: WHAT?! NO!

Slynt, Thorne, and his yes men get up.

But the rest of the Night’s Watch start to get up too. You know. EVERYONE ELSE.

Thorne begins to scratch his neck, takes a step backwards, and sits back down. Thorne’s men follow him and begin whistling.

Slynt: Hey! WAIT! NO! You’re going to stand up for me, right?! I’m… I’m… STOP! I’M A LORD! I WAS MADE THE LORD OF HARRENHAL! THAT IS THE BASTARD SON OF A TRAITOR! HE’S A TRAITOR HIMSELF! PUT ME DOWN! AGH!!! STOP! PUT ME DOWN!

Slynt is carried into the yard, screaming. Others throw a rope up.  It causes quite a commotion. Everyone starts to come out to watch, including Stannis and all of Stannis’s men.

Word spreads around Castle Black quickly. EVERYONE is out there to watch.

Vendor: Peanuts! Get your peanuts for the lynching! I mean... err... hanging. Sorry. I guess lynching sounds wrong.

Slynt: You’ll never do this, bastard boy! You’ll never hang me. You don’t have the balls!

Jon: Hrm. You know what? You’re right. I won’t hang you.

Crowd: Awwwww! Damnit.

Slynt: HAHAHA! SEE?!

Jon: I won’t hang you because my father--who you betrayed and executed, by the way--taught me that a REAL MAN does the deed himself rather than having other people do it for him. A man with REAL BALLS both provides the sentence and carries out the punishment.

Jon unsheathes his sword, Longclaw.

Jon: Someone get me a stump to put this dude’s neck on.

Slynt: PLEASE! LORD COMMANDER! NO! MERCY! MERCY! I’ll go to Greyguard! I will!

Jon: Too little, too late.

Slynt’s neck goes on the stump. Jon raises Longclaw into the air. It goes down. 

Slynt’s head rolls across the yard. Messi and Neymar both go for it. Messi gets there a quarter second before Neymar. After Messi’s elbow lightly brushes Neymar’s uniform, Neymar flops. The referee is having none of that, though. Messi drives down to the other end of the yard and scores.

Owen the Oaf: Dude, can I have Janos Slynt’s boots? I think those are Timberlands and he has the same shoe size as me. He won’t be using them. I mean we have to burn his body so that he doesn’t turn into a Wight, right? Everyone agrees that Slynt as a Wight would be the worst, correct? He don’t need to be burned wearing those nice boots though.

Jon: Dude, yeah. Take the damn boots. I do not care. Let’s burn him naked so everyone sees how small his weiner is too.

Everyone laughs. Janos Slynt betrayed Ned Stark so zero people feel bad about him being beheaded, stripped naked, and burned with his tiny dick hanging out under his fat gut.

Jon looks around. Then he looks up to the King’s tower. Stannis stands there, and has been watching the entire time.

Jon: *gives a head nod and throws up the sign of the horns* 🤘

Stannis: *nods back and also gives the sign of the horns* 🤘 Metal, dude. That was so metal.

Stannis heads back into his tower. 

Janos heads... well... never mind, he has no head.

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