Hey! We’re in a new city we’ve never been before with new characters we’ve never seen before. Fun!
Quentyn Martell: Hi! I’m Quentyn. You’ve probably heard of me from… multiple plot points made by my older sister, Arianne Martell!
Gerris Drinkwater: And I’m Gerris Drinkwater. My family name comes from the fact that we drink water. It is pretty clever. I’m pretending to be a wine-seller though.
Quentyn: And I’m pretending to be a wine-seller’s servant. Oh, and we’re starting in media res, obviously. Then we’ll flashback to say what happened before.
Gerris: Why can’t we just start at the beginning and—
Quentyn: —NO! Shut up, Gerris!
And so Quentyn and Gerris are talking to a ship captain in Volantis who is also a smuggler. Human smuggler? Cargo smuggler? Both! It doesn’t matter. This guy smuggles whatever.
Smugger Captain: Why the hell do you want me to take you to Merreen? There are no slaves there anymore. Therefore there is no profit to be made.
Gerris: Ah, we are going there to sell our delicious Dornish wine. Secretly, ya know. Without paying the customs duties.
Smuggler Captain: I mean during peace time, that might be a half-good idea. They already have wine there that’s perfectly good, but so long as you put together some good marketing campaign and get a celebrity endorser, I bet your Dornish wine would sell like crazy. People will think it’s all fancy and exotic from Westeros and shit. People lap that kind of crap up. Throw “craft” and “artisanal” on the bottles. Sell it at the fighting pits for four times the cost off the other wines. All the rich and rich-wannabe posers will be buying it out of principle. But it’s not peace time. Meereen is in the middle of a giant war. People are dying. They don’t care about Dornish wine. They’re busy trying to not die. And those fighting pits? They’re closed. There is no money to be made in Meereen, guys.
Gerris: Oh, but they will love it! Anyway, that’s not your problem, man. We’re just paying you to get us there.
Smuggler Captain: Nah, bad idea. I’ll pass.
Gerris: PLEASE! NOOO! We’ve asked every other ship captain and they all said no! We even doubled our payment price! You’re our last hope!!!
Smuggler Captain: DUDE, you are really bad at this bargaining/negotiating thing. You should not have told me all that information. Haven’t you heard of haggling? I’m supposed to say, “No, I refuse.” Then you give a bigger offer. For instance, you double it, like you said that you did before with the other captains. Then I say that’s too low and counter with a really high offer, like four or five times higher. Then you refuse saying it’s ludicrous and offer something super low. Maybe just barely over your initial double offer, claiming that’s all that you have and not a penny more. Then we do that back and forth a few times and we eventually meet at a logical price in the middle. But you just played all your cards, man. Now I know you’re desperate, everyone else said no, and I can charge whatever I want.
Quentyn: UGH! You suck at this, Gerris. Why do you get to play the boss of our fake Dornish wine company? I should have played the boss of the fake Dornish wine company!
Gerris: HEY! Don’t use my real name! You’re supposed to use my fake name.
Smuggler Captain: Wait… FAKE Dornish wine company? Fake name?
Quentyn: Errm… uuhh… uhh… I mean REAL! REAL!
Gerris: See, you suck at this too, Quentyn!
Quentyn: AGHH!! Now you used MY real name!
Smuggler Captain: *sigh* Okay guys. I’m going to just stop this now because you’re terrible at both haggling and keeping your secret identities. Obvioulsy you’re not wine sellers and want to go Meereen for some other reason. Whatever, dudes. Maybe you’re pedos running away from arrest and execution in Westeros. Not my problem. Don’t care. But basically… if you pay me THREE TIMES my normal smuggling fee, I’ll take you to Meereen. Okay?
Gerris: Okay, uhh… let us go back to our companions and talk it over. We’ll let you know if we accept the deal by tomorrow morning.
And so the smuggler captain leaves.
Quentyn: Shit, dude! We totally bombed there.
Gerris: We did. This guy will probably just slit our throats and throw us into the ocean if he accepted our offer anyway.
Quentyn: Yeah, probably. Damnit. Come on, let’s go back to back to the big man, Ser Archibald Yronwood and tell him about what happened.
And so they head back to their other companions, who were not around for the negotiation with the smuggler. But heading to the other companions, as well as thinking about having their throats slit, sends Quentyn into a flashback spiral where he thinks about what happened prior to this point on their journey.
Quentyn: Oh goodie! I get to do that extensive flashback scene now, leaping back in time?
No. I’ll just quickly cover it in some italic narration.
Quentyn: Dang it.
When the party initially sailed to Essos – they were a larger group. In addition to Quentyn, Gerris, and the aforementioned Ser Archibald Yronwood, they also had with them Maester Kedry, William Wells and Cletus Yronwood. The three of them were murdered earlier in the trip by filthy pirates. Oh well! The loss of Maester Kedry was especially tough, as he was an expert on the Free Cities. So there. That’s basically it in a nutshell.
They arrive at the Inn where Yronwood is staying. The alive one, obviously. But outside of the inn…
The Windblown: WHOA! Hey dudes! You look like a bunch of pussy-ass losers! HAHA! Just kidding, bros! We’re the Windblown! We’re a mercenary company that’s about to go to Slaver’s Bay to kill the butcher king and rape the Dragon Queen! WOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Quentyn: Hrm. Well that was a rather odd, and random, interaction with a group of people who are coincidently heading to the exact same location that we are going to. I will ignore it completely, however.
And so they go inside to Yronwood and tell him about the meeting with the Smuggler Captain.
Ser Archibald: Guys, this is a terrible offer. If that’s the best were going to get, plus the fact that you both agree that we’re going to get our throats slit by that smuggler captain, then we should travel to Meereen over land rather than by sea.
Gerris: Yeah, you’re probably right.
Quentyn: Going over land is too dangerous and slow. Do you know what the call the road to Meereen? “The Demon Road.”
Gerris: I get it, Q. I really do. But that smugger was totally sketchy. I don’t want to have my murdered corpse thrown in the sea. I mean maybe he won’t kill us. Maybe he’ll just kidnap us and sell us into slavery. Which I’m not a big fan of either. So unless you can magically find another ship or something…
Quentyn: DAMN IT! I can’t go back to Dorne as a failure! My dad, Prince Doran, would be so pissed. I want to prove myself to him! Moreover, I’ve got to prove myself TO ME! I’ve got pretty low self-esteem, guys. I’ve never really been with a woman before, and I’m so awkward around them. And yet I’m traveling to Meereen to meet Dany Targaryen, who everyone is saying is like the most beautiful woman in the world. And I’m supposed to offer my hand in marriage to her? Why would she want my pathetic ass?
Archibald: Dany NEEDS Dorne, Quentyn. Without it, she cannot hope to take the Iron Throne. With our alliance, her victory in the wars to come is all that much more assured.
Quentyn: Yes… yes, you’re right. I have something to offer her! Even if she doesn’t love me or care about me or think I’m attractive. A Dorne-Targaryen marriage alliance is bound to result in success. What could go wrong?
Everyone whistles politely, not mentioning Rhaegar and Elia.
Archibald: Well crap, guys. I think we have a bad option and a worse option here. I vote we go for the Demon Road. What do you think?
Quentyn: Ugh. Dany might not even still be in Meereen before we get there by land. If we’re not killed along the way. Maybe we should take the smuggler’s ship after all and just, like, keep a watch out to make sure that the crew doesn’t slit our throats.
Gerris: No! I have a better idea. It’s just come to me!
Quentyn: Then tell me! TELL ME!
Gerris: Well, it’s not exactly an “honorable” way to get there, and it too has its risks.
Quentyn: TELL ME, DAMN IT! Oh… wait… is this related to that Windblown Mercenary Company that we just COINCIDENTALLY AND RANDOMLY bumped into just a few minutes ago, who engaged in dialogue with us EXPLICITLY STATING THAT THEY ARE GOING TO THE SAME LOCATION AS WE ARE?
Gerris: Ermm… uhh…
Quentyn: Geez, sometimes GRRM is such a lazy writer.
Gerris: HEY! I didn’t confirm that that was my idea or anything!
Quentyn: So that’s not your idea?
Gerris: Uhhhhh…
Quentyn: Hey narrator! What’s my next POV chapter going to be called?
“The Windblown.”
Quentyn: I KNEW IT!
Quentyn Martell: Hi! I’m Quentyn. You’ve probably heard of me from… multiple plot points made by my older sister, Arianne Martell!
Gerris Drinkwater: And I’m Gerris Drinkwater. My family name comes from the fact that we drink water. It is pretty clever. I’m pretending to be a wine-seller though.
Quentyn: And I’m pretending to be a wine-seller’s servant. Oh, and we’re starting in media res, obviously. Then we’ll flashback to say what happened before.
Gerris: Why can’t we just start at the beginning and—
Quentyn: —NO! Shut up, Gerris!
And so Quentyn and Gerris are talking to a ship captain in Volantis who is also a smuggler. Human smuggler? Cargo smuggler? Both! It doesn’t matter. This guy smuggles whatever.
Smugger Captain: Why the hell do you want me to take you to Merreen? There are no slaves there anymore. Therefore there is no profit to be made.
Gerris: Ah, we are going there to sell our delicious Dornish wine. Secretly, ya know. Without paying the customs duties.
Smuggler Captain: I mean during peace time, that might be a half-good idea. They already have wine there that’s perfectly good, but so long as you put together some good marketing campaign and get a celebrity endorser, I bet your Dornish wine would sell like crazy. People will think it’s all fancy and exotic from Westeros and shit. People lap that kind of crap up. Throw “craft” and “artisanal” on the bottles. Sell it at the fighting pits for four times the cost off the other wines. All the rich and rich-wannabe posers will be buying it out of principle. But it’s not peace time. Meereen is in the middle of a giant war. People are dying. They don’t care about Dornish wine. They’re busy trying to not die. And those fighting pits? They’re closed. There is no money to be made in Meereen, guys.
Gerris: Oh, but they will love it! Anyway, that’s not your problem, man. We’re just paying you to get us there.
Smuggler Captain: Nah, bad idea. I’ll pass.
Gerris: PLEASE! NOOO! We’ve asked every other ship captain and they all said no! We even doubled our payment price! You’re our last hope!!!
Smuggler Captain: DUDE, you are really bad at this bargaining/negotiating thing. You should not have told me all that information. Haven’t you heard of haggling? I’m supposed to say, “No, I refuse.” Then you give a bigger offer. For instance, you double it, like you said that you did before with the other captains. Then I say that’s too low and counter with a really high offer, like four or five times higher. Then you refuse saying it’s ludicrous and offer something super low. Maybe just barely over your initial double offer, claiming that’s all that you have and not a penny more. Then we do that back and forth a few times and we eventually meet at a logical price in the middle. But you just played all your cards, man. Now I know you’re desperate, everyone else said no, and I can charge whatever I want.
Quentyn: UGH! You suck at this, Gerris. Why do you get to play the boss of our fake Dornish wine company? I should have played the boss of the fake Dornish wine company!
Gerris: HEY! Don’t use my real name! You’re supposed to use my fake name.
Smuggler Captain: Wait… FAKE Dornish wine company? Fake name?
Quentyn: Errm… uuhh… uhh… I mean REAL! REAL!
Gerris: See, you suck at this too, Quentyn!
Quentyn: AGHH!! Now you used MY real name!
Smuggler Captain: *sigh* Okay guys. I’m going to just stop this now because you’re terrible at both haggling and keeping your secret identities. Obvioulsy you’re not wine sellers and want to go Meereen for some other reason. Whatever, dudes. Maybe you’re pedos running away from arrest and execution in Westeros. Not my problem. Don’t care. But basically… if you pay me THREE TIMES my normal smuggling fee, I’ll take you to Meereen. Okay?
Gerris: Okay, uhh… let us go back to our companions and talk it over. We’ll let you know if we accept the deal by tomorrow morning.
And so the smuggler captain leaves.
Quentyn: Shit, dude! We totally bombed there.
Gerris: We did. This guy will probably just slit our throats and throw us into the ocean if he accepted our offer anyway.
Quentyn: Yeah, probably. Damnit. Come on, let’s go back to back to the big man, Ser Archibald Yronwood and tell him about what happened.
And so they head back to their other companions, who were not around for the negotiation with the smuggler. But heading to the other companions, as well as thinking about having their throats slit, sends Quentyn into a flashback spiral where he thinks about what happened prior to this point on their journey.
Quentyn: Oh goodie! I get to do that extensive flashback scene now, leaping back in time?
No. I’ll just quickly cover it in some italic narration.
Quentyn: Dang it.
When the party initially sailed to Essos – they were a larger group. In addition to Quentyn, Gerris, and the aforementioned Ser Archibald Yronwood, they also had with them Maester Kedry, William Wells and Cletus Yronwood. The three of them were murdered earlier in the trip by filthy pirates. Oh well! The loss of Maester Kedry was especially tough, as he was an expert on the Free Cities. So there. That’s basically it in a nutshell.
They arrive at the Inn where Yronwood is staying. The alive one, obviously. But outside of the inn…
The Windblown: WHOA! Hey dudes! You look like a bunch of pussy-ass losers! HAHA! Just kidding, bros! We’re the Windblown! We’re a mercenary company that’s about to go to Slaver’s Bay to kill the butcher king and rape the Dragon Queen! WOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Quentyn: Hrm. Well that was a rather odd, and random, interaction with a group of people who are coincidently heading to the exact same location that we are going to. I will ignore it completely, however.
And so they go inside to Yronwood and tell him about the meeting with the Smuggler Captain.
Ser Archibald: Guys, this is a terrible offer. If that’s the best were going to get, plus the fact that you both agree that we’re going to get our throats slit by that smuggler captain, then we should travel to Meereen over land rather than by sea.
Gerris: Yeah, you’re probably right.
Quentyn: Going over land is too dangerous and slow. Do you know what the call the road to Meereen? “The Demon Road.”
Gerris: I get it, Q. I really do. But that smugger was totally sketchy. I don’t want to have my murdered corpse thrown in the sea. I mean maybe he won’t kill us. Maybe he’ll just kidnap us and sell us into slavery. Which I’m not a big fan of either. So unless you can magically find another ship or something…
Quentyn: DAMN IT! I can’t go back to Dorne as a failure! My dad, Prince Doran, would be so pissed. I want to prove myself to him! Moreover, I’ve got to prove myself TO ME! I’ve got pretty low self-esteem, guys. I’ve never really been with a woman before, and I’m so awkward around them. And yet I’m traveling to Meereen to meet Dany Targaryen, who everyone is saying is like the most beautiful woman in the world. And I’m supposed to offer my hand in marriage to her? Why would she want my pathetic ass?
Archibald: Dany NEEDS Dorne, Quentyn. Without it, she cannot hope to take the Iron Throne. With our alliance, her victory in the wars to come is all that much more assured.
Quentyn: Yes… yes, you’re right. I have something to offer her! Even if she doesn’t love me or care about me or think I’m attractive. A Dorne-Targaryen marriage alliance is bound to result in success. What could go wrong?
Everyone whistles politely, not mentioning Rhaegar and Elia.
Archibald: Well crap, guys. I think we have a bad option and a worse option here. I vote we go for the Demon Road. What do you think?
Quentyn: Ugh. Dany might not even still be in Meereen before we get there by land. If we’re not killed along the way. Maybe we should take the smuggler’s ship after all and just, like, keep a watch out to make sure that the crew doesn’t slit our throats.
Gerris: No! I have a better idea. It’s just come to me!
Quentyn: Then tell me! TELL ME!
Gerris: Well, it’s not exactly an “honorable” way to get there, and it too has its risks.
Quentyn: TELL ME, DAMN IT! Oh… wait… is this related to that Windblown Mercenary Company that we just COINCIDENTALLY AND RANDOMLY bumped into just a few minutes ago, who engaged in dialogue with us EXPLICITLY STATING THAT THEY ARE GOING TO THE SAME LOCATION AS WE ARE?
Gerris: Ermm… uhh…
Quentyn: Geez, sometimes GRRM is such a lazy writer.
Gerris: HEY! I didn’t confirm that that was my idea or anything!
Quentyn: So that’s not your idea?
Gerris: Uhhhhh…
Quentyn: Hey narrator! What’s my next POV chapter going to be called?
“The Windblown.”
Quentyn: I KNEW IT!
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