In the dungeons of the Dreadfort, an unknown, "MYSTERY" prisoner has killed and is eating a rat. He’s not supposed to be eating rats though. Even if the rats are trying to eat him. Eating rats is nourishment, and he shouldn’t be nourishing himself, or he’ll be punished. Because he’s been a bad, bad, boy.
Mystery Man: OH NO! I must eat this rat quickly, because if I’m caught, the master will be so angry with me! He might cut off more of my fingers!
A door opens. He hears footsteps coming.
Mystery Man: AGHH!!!!!! OH NO! OH NO! I’ll be in so much trouble! I must eat this rat that I murdered quickly.
But he can’t do it quick enough. The footsteps get closer, and closer. It’s actually two sets of footsteps.
Little Walder: GROSS! Is that dude eating a rat?
Big Walder: Yeah, I think he is. That’s disgusting, dude. You’re sick.
Mystery Man: *cleans rat blood off of his face*
Little Walder: Hey, do you even know who you are?
Big Walder: Yeah, because asking you if you remember your identity is a good narrative technique to reveal who you are to the reader, slowly.
Mystery Man: I am Reek.
Little Walder: Is that similar to “I am Groot” or something like that?
Reek: …No?
Big Walder: Oh, come on. You know that’s not your ORIGINAL name though.
Reek: Uhh… I… don’t know… what to…
Little Walder: Oh hell, why are we even pretending this is a secret? The title of this chapter above literally said “The Artist Formerly Known as Theon.” Maybe in the original book-reading this would have been a secret to a few people, but that just gave it all away.
Reek: Fair enough. Maybe I should try to overpower you and kill you before you can report my rat consumption to Ramsay Bolton. Yes! That’s a good idea. He’ll punish me so hard for eating a rat. He’ll probably pull the skin off of my fingers and toes, shred by shred. It will be a mercy when he finally cuts it off. Right. That’s it. I’ll kill you and run away.
Big Walder: You probably shouldn’t be saying that aloud.
Reek: Oh right, sorry. I’ve spent so much time alone here, by myself, that I’ve sort of forgotten the difference between internal and external dialogues. Besides, it would be hard to take you down anyway since you’re so big.
Big Walder: No, I’m actually the small one.
Little Walder: Right, and I’m the big one.
Reek: That is such a stupid plot point that nobody cares about.
Big Walder: Yeah, it sort of is.
Reek: Plus if I kill you and run away, it would probably be a trap. Just like that time I escaped before, only for it to be revealed that Ramsay WANTED ME TO ESCAPE, so he could hunt me down and track me. I never really escaped at all.
Little Walder: Ugh. He “wanted you to escape?” That’s pretty lame. But at least it’s not as lame as the over-used plot device of “he wanted to get caught.”
Reek: Oh yeah, that is the absolute worst and laziest writing.
Batman: The Joker… WANTED TO GET CAPTURED!!!!
James Bond: Silva… WANTED TO GET CAPTURED!!!
James Kirk: Khan… WANTED TO GET CAPTURED!!!
Batman (again): Bane… WANTED TO GET CAPTURED!!!
Iron Man: Loki… WANTED TO GET CAPTURED!!!
Big Walder: Okay, that’s enough of that. I think we got the point.
Little Walder: Anyway, come on, Reek. We’re taking you out of the dungeon.
Reek: WHAT?! NO! Is master Ramsay going to punish me?! NOOOO!!!!
Big Walder: Dude, who the hell knows? Just come with us.
And so they lead Reek out of the dungeon and out into the Great Hall of the Dreadfort, where the lords see him while they eat dinner.
Arnolf Karstark: OH HELL!! Who is that stinky, dead-looking mess?
Hother “Whoresbane” Umber: Yeah, it’s like a rotting corpse. My appetite is ruined. Why did they have to bring him out in a dinner scene?
Ramsay Snow: Oh, come now. Don’t you recognize him? It’s Reek! I’ve had him as a pet since I was a boy.
Karskark: Dude, gross. But wait, I thought I had heard that that Reek dude was murdered. Because there used to be this rumor going around the North that YOU were murdered, Ramsay. But really, you switched places with Reek and it was Reek killed instead. But if Reek is alive too… then was Reek switched out with someone also? And if so… then who was really murdered?
Ramsay: Reek.
Karkstark: I’m so confused.
Whoresbane: OH SHIT! NO! I recognize him now. He’s thinner, frailer, and with white hair now… but I recognize him. I can never forget that douche, shit-eating grin of his, even if he’s not smiling now. That’s no Reek, Karstark. That’s THEON GREYJOY.
Ramsay: Yeah, he can’t really smile now on account of me busting all his teeth out with a lead pipe.
Karstark: Hrm… no way. That’s not The—OHHH! Yeah. I see it now. Holy crap! It is. Then why were you saying that he’s been your pet since he was a child? That’s clearly not true because Theon was raised by Eddard Stark.
Ramsay: Ah, well. Theon was raised by Stark, and Reek was raised by me. The original Reek, that is. But I had him switch places with me and get killed. But I missed him so much after he was dead, that I decided to turn Theon into the new Reek.
Karstark: Then why did you claim this Reek was the one you raised? This is clearly Reek 2.0.
Ramsay: I don’t know, sometimes I just lie, man. Deal with it.
Karstark: *shrugs* Okay.
Reek: Y-yes, my lord Ramsay. I am your Reek. Whatever you say. I obey you.
Ramsay: Dude, what is that blood on your face? Were you going down on a girl at the wrong time of the month?
Little Walder: We caught that sick loser eating a rat! HAHAHA!
Reek: Stitches to snitches, you fat little Frey bitch. I mean… uhh… NO! NO! MY LORD RAMSAY! I’m SORRY! I was so… so… hungry! Please do not beat me and cut another finger or toe off!
Ramsay: Oh, Reek, you charmer, you! How could I ever hurt you?
Whoresbane: Well, easily, it looks like. On account of how he is already—
Ramsay: —Shh! Come with me, Reek. I have work for you. You need to help me fetch my new virgin bride, Arya Stark!
DUNN DUNN DUNNN!!!!!!!
Except it’s not that really dramatic, because we know Arya is totally elsewhere.
Mystery Man: OH NO! I must eat this rat quickly, because if I’m caught, the master will be so angry with me! He might cut off more of my fingers!
A door opens. He hears footsteps coming.
Mystery Man: AGHH!!!!!! OH NO! OH NO! I’ll be in so much trouble! I must eat this rat that I murdered quickly.
But he can’t do it quick enough. The footsteps get closer, and closer. It’s actually two sets of footsteps.
Little Walder: GROSS! Is that dude eating a rat?
Big Walder: Yeah, I think he is. That’s disgusting, dude. You’re sick.
Mystery Man: *cleans rat blood off of his face*
Little Walder: Hey, do you even know who you are?
Big Walder: Yeah, because asking you if you remember your identity is a good narrative technique to reveal who you are to the reader, slowly.
Mystery Man: I am Reek.
Little Walder: Is that similar to “I am Groot” or something like that?
Reek: …No?
Big Walder: Oh, come on. You know that’s not your ORIGINAL name though.
Reek: Uhh… I… don’t know… what to…
Little Walder: Oh hell, why are we even pretending this is a secret? The title of this chapter above literally said “The Artist Formerly Known as Theon.” Maybe in the original book-reading this would have been a secret to a few people, but that just gave it all away.
Reek: Fair enough. Maybe I should try to overpower you and kill you before you can report my rat consumption to Ramsay Bolton. Yes! That’s a good idea. He’ll punish me so hard for eating a rat. He’ll probably pull the skin off of my fingers and toes, shred by shred. It will be a mercy when he finally cuts it off. Right. That’s it. I’ll kill you and run away.
Big Walder: You probably shouldn’t be saying that aloud.
Reek: Oh right, sorry. I’ve spent so much time alone here, by myself, that I’ve sort of forgotten the difference between internal and external dialogues. Besides, it would be hard to take you down anyway since you’re so big.
Big Walder: No, I’m actually the small one.
Little Walder: Right, and I’m the big one.
Reek: That is such a stupid plot point that nobody cares about.
Big Walder: Yeah, it sort of is.
Reek: Plus if I kill you and run away, it would probably be a trap. Just like that time I escaped before, only for it to be revealed that Ramsay WANTED ME TO ESCAPE, so he could hunt me down and track me. I never really escaped at all.
Little Walder: Ugh. He “wanted you to escape?” That’s pretty lame. But at least it’s not as lame as the over-used plot device of “he wanted to get caught.”
Reek: Oh yeah, that is the absolute worst and laziest writing.
Batman: The Joker… WANTED TO GET CAPTURED!!!!
James Bond: Silva… WANTED TO GET CAPTURED!!!
James Kirk: Khan… WANTED TO GET CAPTURED!!!
Batman (again): Bane… WANTED TO GET CAPTURED!!!
Iron Man: Loki… WANTED TO GET CAPTURED!!!
Big Walder: Okay, that’s enough of that. I think we got the point.
Little Walder: Anyway, come on, Reek. We’re taking you out of the dungeon.
Reek: WHAT?! NO! Is master Ramsay going to punish me?! NOOOO!!!!
Big Walder: Dude, who the hell knows? Just come with us.
And so they lead Reek out of the dungeon and out into the Great Hall of the Dreadfort, where the lords see him while they eat dinner.
Arnolf Karstark: OH HELL!! Who is that stinky, dead-looking mess?
Hother “Whoresbane” Umber: Yeah, it’s like a rotting corpse. My appetite is ruined. Why did they have to bring him out in a dinner scene?
Ramsay Snow: Oh, come now. Don’t you recognize him? It’s Reek! I’ve had him as a pet since I was a boy.
Karskark: Dude, gross. But wait, I thought I had heard that that Reek dude was murdered. Because there used to be this rumor going around the North that YOU were murdered, Ramsay. But really, you switched places with Reek and it was Reek killed instead. But if Reek is alive too… then was Reek switched out with someone also? And if so… then who was really murdered?
Ramsay: Reek.
Karkstark: I’m so confused.
Whoresbane: OH SHIT! NO! I recognize him now. He’s thinner, frailer, and with white hair now… but I recognize him. I can never forget that douche, shit-eating grin of his, even if he’s not smiling now. That’s no Reek, Karstark. That’s THEON GREYJOY.
Ramsay: Yeah, he can’t really smile now on account of me busting all his teeth out with a lead pipe.
Karstark: Hrm… no way. That’s not The—OHHH! Yeah. I see it now. Holy crap! It is. Then why were you saying that he’s been your pet since he was a child? That’s clearly not true because Theon was raised by Eddard Stark.
Ramsay: Ah, well. Theon was raised by Stark, and Reek was raised by me. The original Reek, that is. But I had him switch places with me and get killed. But I missed him so much after he was dead, that I decided to turn Theon into the new Reek.
Karstark: Then why did you claim this Reek was the one you raised? This is clearly Reek 2.0.
Ramsay: I don’t know, sometimes I just lie, man. Deal with it.
Karstark: *shrugs* Okay.
Reek: Y-yes, my lord Ramsay. I am your Reek. Whatever you say. I obey you.
Ramsay: Dude, what is that blood on your face? Were you going down on a girl at the wrong time of the month?
Little Walder: We caught that sick loser eating a rat! HAHAHA!
Reek: Stitches to snitches, you fat little Frey bitch. I mean… uhh… NO! NO! MY LORD RAMSAY! I’m SORRY! I was so… so… hungry! Please do not beat me and cut another finger or toe off!
Ramsay: Oh, Reek, you charmer, you! How could I ever hurt you?
Whoresbane: Well, easily, it looks like. On account of how he is already—
Ramsay: —Shh! Come with me, Reek. I have work for you. You need to help me fetch my new virgin bride, Arya Stark!
DUNN DUNN DUNNN!!!!!!!
Except it’s not that really dramatic, because we know Arya is totally elsewhere.
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