ADwD 8: Tyrion III

The sunlight of dawn breaks through the caravan, awakening Tyrion. He notices that he and Illyrio have stopped.

Tyrion: Hey, we’ve stopped.

Illyrio: Yes we have, my little friend. This is where you and I part ways, and I turn you over to my companions.

They get out of the carriage, and Tyrion finds two men who greet him.

Haldon: Hi there! I’m Haldon Halfmaester. They call me that because I--

Tyrion: --Began training to become a Maester at the Citadel, but only earned a few of the links in the chain you'd need in order to become a full maester prior to leaving? Specifically, roughly half of the chains that you needed?

Haldon: Well... uhh... yeah. So I guess that name isn't that hard to figure out, huh? 

Duck: And I Rolly. Ser Rolly Duckfield, that is. But most people just call me “Duck.”

Tyrion: If most people call you "Duck," why did you introduce yourself as "Rolly?" You should have just said "Duck." 

Duck: Shut up. And with whom do we have the pleasure of meeting? Some little lord's dwarf bastard?

Tyrion: Every dwarf if a bastard in his father’s eyes.

Haldon: Oooh, that’s a good line. A really, really good line. Let’s write that down and make sure they use it in the TV show at some point, even if it’s devoid of the context of this chapter and all of our characters go unused.

Illyrio: Ah yes, sorry. Let me introduce you two to my friend, Yollo.

Tyrion: Who’s that then?

Illyrio nudges Tyrion and whispers.

Illyrio: You’re Yollo, idiot.

Tyrion: WHAT?! I mean... *whispers* I have to have a secret identity? I get that… sure! But you’re not even letting me pick my own name? You’re dropping this on me at the last minute before even telling me about it?!

Duck: Greetings, Yollo.  We’ll be taking you the rest of the way to the River Rhoyne. Well, the Little Rhyone, actually.

Tyrion: HA! Yollo? Please! No need to call me that. That’s only a fake name I used in Pentos. Illyrio is so confused. You can call me “Hugor Hill.”

Illyrio: Hey! I already gave you a fake name! You can’t pick a new fake name!

Tyrion: The hell I can’t. Yollo is dumb. I wanna be Hugor Hill.

The two start slap fighting as Haldon and Duck look at them suspiciously.

Duck: Anywaaaaaay. Come! Come! We must travel to Ghoyan Drohe, where a poleboat awaits us. From there we will travel down the river to Volantis.

Illyrio: Ah, well that’s my cue, guys. I’ll just refill on supplies here and be on my way.

Tyrion: And by “supplies,” I assume you mean hams and cakes. Because you are very fat.

Illyrio: Uhh… no. No, of course not.

Tyrion turns around and looks at exactly where they stopped on the road to Ghoyan Drohe. Right to the side of the road is a huge building which says “Velvet Hills Ham and Cake Emporium.”

Illyrio: Okay, okay. Whatever. Bye.

And so they part ways. Tyrion continues on with Duck and Haldon. While Tyrion can’t read brains, he can tell that neither man is that impressed with him, and are probably questioning why the hell this little dwarf with a cut-off nose is needed to join their little crusade on the way down to Dany.

Tyrion: So who are you guys anyway? I thought I was supposed to be meeting some dude named “Griff.”

Haldon: We work for Griff, and are part of his company. You'll meet him on the poleboat. And who exactly are you?

Tyrion: Why, I am Hugor Hill. I told you. Just a humble servant seeking to serve our true queen, as you two are.

They eye him suspiciously again.

Duck: Well, be prepared for great dangers that lie ahead. The River Rhoyne is full of threats. Lady Korra the river pirate. They say she cooks up dwarves like you and put them in stew.  Of course, there is also the Shrouded Lord.

Tyrion: Hrm. River pirates are pretty self-explanatory. But typically we don’t go name-dropping cryptic names like “the Shrouded Lord” unless they come up again later for story purposes. So please, explain more.

Haldon: They call him “His Grey Grace” and “the Prince of Sorrows.” He has ruled the mists around the Sorrows since the days of Garin. But not Garin from the Arienne Martel chapters. The Garin who he is named after, a legendary  Rhoynish Prince of Chroyane. Anyway, the Shrouded Lord is supposed to be the king of the stone men. You know, the people who have that stone disease like Stannis’s daughter has. Greyscale.

Tyrion: Ah. Sounds like a myth. This Shrouded Lord guy, I mean. Not Shireen Baratheon. She is obviously not a myth. Nor is greystone.

Tyrion shivers. Death doesn’t scare him anymore. He’s practically wishing for death and is still holding on to those poisonous mushrooms, just in case.  But greyscale? That’s a different matter. So slowly turn to stone without dying? He is NOT a fan of that.

Duck: Pretty scary stuff, right dwarf? Mystical and magical stuff from the east. Just like Queen Dany and her dragons. I bet you wouldn’t know about any of that.

Tyrion: Hrm. Wouldn’t I? Please, I know all about dragons.

Haldon: Well not as much as me. I am a maester, after all.

Tyrion: A half maester.

Haldon: That's it, Yollo! IT'S A DRAGON TRIVIA CONTEST CHALLENGE!!!!!!

Alex Trebec shows up. 

Alex Trebec: This knight was killed by Vhagar in the Targaryen Civil War known as "the Dance of the Dragons."

Suddenly, everyone stops. They are all on the lookout for Pee Wee Herman and his friends to jump out.

But they never do.

Duck: *whew* Dodged a bullet there. I guess “the Dance of the Dragons” is just different enough from the title of this book to not inspire the wrath of the “Secret Word” gods.

Haldon: Indeed. It’s good that we avoided that this chapter.

Alex Trebec: Nobody has buzzed in though

Tyrion: Ser Byron Swann.

Alex Trebec: Ooooh, sorry. We can't accept that.

Tyrion: WHAT?!

Alex Trebec: I mean you're right, of course. It was Ser Byron Swann. But this is Jeopardy, and you forgot to answer in the form of a question.

Tyrion: Nobody said this is Jeopardy. Haldon challenged me to a trivia contest. Nobody specifically said Jeopardy.

Alex Trebec: Oh.

He hangs his head in shame. 

Tyrion: Plus the whole thing you asked is wrong anyway. The dragon that Swann killed was Syrax, not Vhagar.

Haldon: No way! I'm on Alex's side here. It was Vhgar! Maester Munkun clearly wrote that—

Tyrion: —Oh please! Munkun’s account?! That was obviously wrong and didn’t use primary sources. I bet that dude was just looking up his info on Wikipedia. Ser Byron Swann’s squire saw his master die and his account says it was Syrax. And doesn’t Syrax make more sense than Vhagar? Swann served the lords of Storm’s End. During the Dance of the Dragons, Storm’s End was on the side of Aegon II Targaryen, AKA “The Greens.” They were not on the side of his rival claimant to the throne, Rhaenyra, who was supported by her faction, “The Blacks.” Vhagar was the female dragon that was ridden by Prince Aemond Targaryen. Aemond was the brother of Aegon and his ally. So tell me… why would Ser Byron Swann, who was on Aegon II's side, want to kill Vhagar, a dragon ridden by Aegon’s own ally and brother?

Haldon: Uhh… uhh… uhh…

Tyrion: Syrax, meanwhile, was the she-dragon of Rhaenyra Targaryen herself, Aegon II’s primary enemy during the civil war. So which makes more sense to you? That Swann was trying to kill his own side’s dragon… or that Maester Munkun is simply an idiot who got his two she-dragons confused?

Duck slow claps. 

Alex checks with the judges, who admit that their research was based on Munkun's inaccurate account. They then vanish into the sunset.

Duck: Oh, I like this Yollo dude, Haldon. I really like him. He totally won that dragon trivia challenge. Now, please let me tell you all a long and boring story about how I got my nickname, “Duck.”

Tyrion: Didn’t earlier you tell us that your full name was Ser Rolly Duckfield?

Duck: Y-yes.

Tyrion: Well then obviously you got it from Duckfield. No explanation needed.

Duck: No! You see… but… but… I want to tell you all a long backstory about how I came to be, and how and when Griff knighted me…

Tyrion: Nah.

Haldon: I’m with the imp. Now let’s get the hell out of here. I hear the Dorthraki like to run around these parts.

Thus they continue on their way and eventually reach Goyan Dohe. This was once a mighty city, but now has been reduced to ruins.  There a small ship, the Shy Maid, is waiting for them.

Tyrion: Hrm. That doesn’t look like much.

He was up and finally meets the man everyone has been talking about – Griff. With him is his son, Young Griff.  They all look at each other.

Griff: Hrmm.

Tyrion: Hrmmm.

Young Griff: Why are we Hrrmm-ing? Okay. I’ll do it too. Hrmm!

Haldon: Here, Griff. Illyrio has provided me with a letter to explain why this dwarf, Yollo, is with us. I haven't read it though. It's for your eyes only.

Tyrion: Hugor Hill, actually! Not Yollo.

Griff snatches the letter. He heads back to his cabin with Tyrion to discuss its contents in private, away from the ears of all others. Although Illyrio trusts Griff with the information on Tyrion’s true identity – the others are not supposed to know.

Griff: Well, well, well. Tyrion Fucking Lannister, huh? Why on earth does Illyrio think that Queen Daenerys would want the help of a kingslayer, kinslayer, and general betrayer?

Tyrion: For one, the king I’m accused of slaying, Joffrey, was sitting on the Queen’s rightful throne. That should count for something, right?

Griff: And why should a Targaryen trust a Lannister?

Tyrion: That’s where the “kinslaying” part you mentioned comes in. I also killed my father, Lord Tywin.

Griff: A better question though… I’m flipping it… why would a LANNISTER want to work for a Targaryen?

Tyrion: For gold, of course. Gold and REVENGE. BLOODY, BLOODY REVENGE! MWAHAHA! HATRED! HATRED! PURE HATRED OF MY WICKED SISTER!

Griff: Yikes. Ah, well I understand the hatred part just fine.

Tyrion: So tell me, “Griff,” who are you? Surely you have a fake name too. You have the look of a lord or a knight of Westeros.

Griff: I am neither.

Tyrion: Oh really? Because Duck tells me you knighted him. Can’t only a knight knight a knight?

Griff: What? Huh? You doing some she sells sea shells nonsense with me?

Tyrion: Listen, despite what people say about me being a monster, I am an intelligent man. I know much about dragons. And I know even more about the Lannisters.  Queen Dany would be well to have me as an ally. I know how Cersei’s mind works. I can tell her about her enemies. Their weaknesses. The types of decisions they would make.

Griff: I see. Well. I guess my options are now that I either throw you in the river and drown you, or you come to Volantis with us. For now, let’s just have you come to Volantis. Maybe I’ll change my mind half-way down the river though.

Tyrion: That's good. Yet these dragons which everyone speaks of… have you seen them?

Griff: No.

Tyrion: Then what if the stories are all lies? What if Dany has no dragons? What if those are just fictional tales of things that don’t exist like grumpkins, snarks, and the female orgasm?

Griff: Shut your mouth, Lannister. This isn’t some kind of game we’re playing here.

Tyrion: Oh, but it is, Griff. It is. It’s the Game of Thrones! And we are—

--Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Game of Thrones" flashes again and again.

Griff: Damnit, Tyrion. We just barely avoided it with Alex Trebec. I thought we'd get out of the chapter without that happening... but you just HAD to fuck it all up!

Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!

Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!

And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back into the waters of the Little Rhoyne. 

Tyrion: Geez, sorry.