Mance Rayder is brought out to the courtyard.
Jon: Oh, hi Mance! How’s it going?
Where he is brought before a giant pyre with a cage constructed hanging above it.
Jon: Oh, oh. Right. So not good then?
Melisandre smiles at the pyre. Because of course she does.
Jon: Ugh, I tried to convince Stannis that burning Mance would be no good. Mance is no more a “king” than Dr. Dre is a medical doctor. He’s more good to us alive than he is dead. But Stannis won’t listen.
Mance sees the cage, and immediately begins begging for mercy.
Mance: OH PLEASE! NO! MERCY! MERCY! MY RATTLING SUIT OF BONES SIMPLY CAN’T HANDLE THIS!
Jon: Hrm, odd that Mance would talk about a rattling suit of bones. But whatever.
Mance: PLEASE! NO! I’M NOT THE KING! I’M NOT EVEN MANCE! I’M--*mmpghh*
Stannis’s men stick a sock in his mouth so he can’t talk any more. He’s placed in the cage.
Mel steps up.
Melisandre: Wildlings… now here this! The Lord of Light represents life and light, while your old gods represents nothing but death and darkness. Now, here, as an example of how much my god represents life, I will commit murder in his name.
Wildlings: Seems logical.
Then she pulls out a horn.
Mel: Oh yeah… and this this? What is this? The Horn of Joramun!!!!! Was this supposed to bring down the Wall? Well check this out.
She stares at the horn and it magically sets itself on fire. She then throws the burning horn onto the pyre. It lights up quickly and begins spreading.
Mance: *muffled screams of terror*
Jon looks around and sees the faces of the Wildlings as they watch their king burn. Many look away, daring not to watch. He notices that Val the supposes Wildling “princess” stares, stoically. Like she don’t even give a single fuck.
Mance is able to spit the rag out and screams louder.
Mance: AGHHH!!!! AGHHHHHH!!!! AGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jon: Oh man, this is horrible. I can’t bare to watch him slowly die like that in pain. MEN!!! Please just shoot him.
He nods to his archers. They send some arrows into the flames. Mance is killed so shut him up. He then burns.
But a new fire lights. A fire of anger that he sees in Stannis’s eyes.
Mel: Your false king is dead! Now you must embrace the new King… STANNIS! For he is Azor Ahai, REBORN! He has Lightbringer. BEHOLD!
Stannis pulls out his shiny sword and it shines.
Wildlings: Ooooohhhh!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!
Stannis: Kneel to me and live. I will feed you and clothes you. You will serve me. If that is not to your liking, you can also choose to not kneel. I will let you go back into the forests to die in the cold. Your choice. No pressure or anything.
Most decide to kneel, and one-by-one join Stannis. They are led away to get clothes and good. Some turn away and head back into the northern woods.
Jon: Ugh. I told Stannis not to make them kneel. Another thing he didn’t listen to. The Wildlings choose their own kings. The whole “kneeling” thing isn’t what they go for. That’s probably the most disrespectful thing that Stannis could possibly ever do to these guys.
Stannis: Hrm. Looks like this burning pyre here is running pretty low. Better feed the fire with some more wood.
Stannis’s men chop down the nearby weirwood trees and throw them into the fire to burn. You know, the same weirwood trees that northerners, including Wildlings, worship as a connection to their old gods.
Jon: I stand corrected. THAT is the most disrespectful thing that Stannis could possibly do. And it’s not like enough Wildings joined our side to make a difference. If the Wildling army chooses to attack again, we’re probably still screwed.
After the ceremony, Bowen Marsh comes up to Jon.
Jon: Oh shit! Bowen Marsh the Lord Steward! You’re still alive? I just figured you were one of the many, many supporting characters that died on the Wall when the Wildlings attacked.
Bowen Marsh: No, you’re probably thinking of Donal Noye or something.
Jon: Yes. Probably. What’s up?
Bowen: These Wildlings… sure, they’ve bent the knee now. But will they be loyal?
Jon: Some will. Some won’t. But we have a common enemy now. The Others and their armies of the dead. We’ve got to work together or we all die.
Bowen: I say we seal the gate that leads north so that nobody can get through again. The Wildlings who made their choice to stay on the other side have made their choice. Let them die.
Jon: If we seal the gates, then we can’t send out Rangers. If we can’t send out Rangers, then we’ll be blind.
Bowen: What good has sending out Rangers done for us? Lord Commander Mormont sent out that huge ranging party, and the result of it is that a quarter of our men are now dead.
Jon: Yeah, I remember. I was part of that party. Well… I guess that sucked, right? It doesn’t matter anyway. Stannis is here and Stannis would never allow the gate to be closed off.
Bowen: Do you always do as Stannis bids?
Jon: What is that supposed to mean?
Bowen: I’m just sayin. A lot of guys say that you’re getting pretty buddy-buddy with Stannis.
Jon: Pffft. That’s crazy talk. That dude has threatened to kill me 12 times already. Did you see that face that he gave me when I had those arrows put through Mance? I want Stannis gone as much as the next person, but he’s here now and he’s welcome to guest rights. Plus he saved our entire forces when the Wildlings were attacking us. We owe our lives to him, and we can let him stay for a tiny bit more if he wishes to.
Bowen: He’s another rebel king, doomed to failure. If the Iron Thrones thinks that we’ve been supporting him…
Jon: We’re not supporting him. I sent a message to Tommen that says as much. Although I’m not as certain of Stannis’s inevitable defeat as you seem to be.
Bowen: Do the people of Westeros love Tommen? I don’t know. But I can surely tell you who they do not love. Stannis and his red shadow, who burns their gods.
Jon: True dat.
Jon sighs. He misses Aemon and Sam. He goes to eat and finds his buddies there, including Pyp, Grenn, etc.
Pyp: Hahaha, that fucking Melisandre, right? Check this out!
He grabs a red table cloth and puts two grapefruits down his shirt.
Pyp: Look at me! Look at me! I’m the red witch! I am extremely physically attractive! I'm the partner of Guy Pearce! I like burning people!
Jon: WHOA, Pyp! Settle down there. Stannis’s men have eyes and ears everywhere. Don’t mock her.
Grenn: Oh, come on, Jon. Don’t be such a tight-ass. Sit down and eat with us.
Jon: No. As Lord Commander, I can’t show favoritism to anyone. I am no longer your friend. I am your Commander.
Pyp: Jeez, who made you such a sour asshole?
Jon: You did, when you got me elected.
Ghost shows up. YAAAAY! Ghost!
Jon: Come on boy, let’s leave.
Ghost: *woof* [Translate: What? I just got here. Damnit.]
And so they leave, without eating. Well, without Jon eating. Jon is hungry. Ghost is not.
Jon can taste blood in his mouth from the animal that Ghost killed earlier. Yeah, he’s a super warg. He’s not even trying and he’s still warging. It sort of pisses him off. He tells himself he's a man. Not an animal.
Jon returns to his chambers, where he sees Clydas.
Clydas: YEEEE-HAW! THEM DUKE BOYS SURE DID PULL A BIG ONE, HUH BOSS HOGG? I just saw them jump their orange horse across the canal!
Jon: Oh crap. Clydas? CLYDAS? Man, I forgot all about you. I mean I knew we took the effort to kill off Chett. I forgot that you stayed behind here to take care of the ravens and stuff.
Clydas: Well don’t worry too much about me, Boss Hogg! I’m just here so you has someone to talk to. I’ll just be petting this raven here, which I named Ol’ Velvet Ears, while you deliver exposition to me.
Jon: Okay. But please stop calling me “Boss Hogg.” Also... do ravens even have ears?
Clydas: You rootin-tootin' bet they do, Boss H--err... Lord Commander. They're just hidden under feathers called auriculars, which went done and covered them ear openings to protect them little bird ears from wind noise. YEEEE-HAWWW!
Jon: Okay, shut up. Now comes the exposition. *ahem* Yes, Clydas. I was reading the Jade Compendium, which Aemon gave me in my last POV chapter, and also which he gave me in Sam’s first POV chapter an entire book ago. I saw that he highlighted some particular pages for me. About Azor Ahai, and the sword Lightbringer. Which is coincidental because Melisandre was just talking about those very things. The book says that Azor Ahai tried to make his magical sword that could defeat the darkness over and over again. 100 times. But every time he tried to forge his magic sword, it failed. Until he decided to stab his beautiful wife, Nissa Nissa, right in her breasts. Murdering his wife in the titties made the sword magical, and it glowed warm to the touch. Which is a pretty depressing way to get the magical sword you wanted. Killing your beloved wife and everything.
Clydas: Wooo hooo! What a hootin’ good time it would be to have a sword that generates its own warmth up here in the wall! Why that would be hotter than the four alarm chili at the Boar’s Nest tavern where Daisy works!
Jon: Yes, I guess? But I’ve seen Stannis’s sword and have been close to it. It doesn’t generate its own heat. It is cold to the touch. So it can’t really be Lightbringer.
Jon then walks away and goes into his own room to write some letters.
Jon: Hrm. Now what was it that Maester Aemon told me? Was it “kill the boy and let the man be born” or was it “please make sure to send all of your friends and allies away so that nobody is left at Castle Black who you can trust?” Hrmm. Hrmm. So hard to remember which of those two sage pieces of advice is the correct one.
Jon then decides it must have been the latter. He writes a letter to Cotter Pyke at Eastwatch, telling him that he’s going to send him Pype and Grenn. He also sends a letter to Denys Mallister at the Shadow Tower, telling him that he’s getting Halder and Toad. Those are another two of Jon’s allies. You haven’t heard much about them. Whatever. Now you don’t have to worry about them.
As soon as Jon writes the letters, the four magically vanish to never be seen again. And that’s that.
Jon: Well, I think that’s what Aemon would have wanted. For me to be totally alone and with nobody to stand up for me.
Suddenly, the Old Bear’s raven lands and walks over to Jon.
Raven: Corn.
Jon: Ah, now you’re the only friend I have left.
Raven: *squawk* Dude, we are not friends. I’m just asking for some corn.
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: What the hell, Jon? Are you forgetting about me?]
Jon: No, no, no! Ghost! I know I’ve still got you. It’s just… like… you’re more than a friend. It’s like you’re a part of me.
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Gross. Dude, are you coming on to me?]
Jon: *sigh* Well, I guess this is my lot in life. From now until the day I die.
Raven: *squawk* Which will be pretty soon. *squawk*
Jon: What was that, Raven?
Raven: Nothing. I just said, “corn.” *squawk*
Jon: Oh, hi Mance! How’s it going?
Where he is brought before a giant pyre with a cage constructed hanging above it.
Jon: Oh, oh. Right. So not good then?
Melisandre smiles at the pyre. Because of course she does.
Jon: Ugh, I tried to convince Stannis that burning Mance would be no good. Mance is no more a “king” than Dr. Dre is a medical doctor. He’s more good to us alive than he is dead. But Stannis won’t listen.
Mance sees the cage, and immediately begins begging for mercy.
Mance: OH PLEASE! NO! MERCY! MERCY! MY RATTLING SUIT OF BONES SIMPLY CAN’T HANDLE THIS!
Jon: Hrm, odd that Mance would talk about a rattling suit of bones. But whatever.
Mance: PLEASE! NO! I’M NOT THE KING! I’M NOT EVEN MANCE! I’M--*mmpghh*
Stannis’s men stick a sock in his mouth so he can’t talk any more. He’s placed in the cage.
Mel steps up.
Melisandre: Wildlings… now here this! The Lord of Light represents life and light, while your old gods represents nothing but death and darkness. Now, here, as an example of how much my god represents life, I will commit murder in his name.
Wildlings: Seems logical.
Then she pulls out a horn.
Mel: Oh yeah… and this this? What is this? The Horn of Joramun!!!!! Was this supposed to bring down the Wall? Well check this out.
She stares at the horn and it magically sets itself on fire. She then throws the burning horn onto the pyre. It lights up quickly and begins spreading.
Mance: *muffled screams of terror*
Jon looks around and sees the faces of the Wildlings as they watch their king burn. Many look away, daring not to watch. He notices that Val the supposes Wildling “princess” stares, stoically. Like she don’t even give a single fuck.
Mance is able to spit the rag out and screams louder.
Mance: AGHHH!!!! AGHHHHHH!!!! AGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jon: Oh man, this is horrible. I can’t bare to watch him slowly die like that in pain. MEN!!! Please just shoot him.
He nods to his archers. They send some arrows into the flames. Mance is killed so shut him up. He then burns.
But a new fire lights. A fire of anger that he sees in Stannis’s eyes.
Mel: Your false king is dead! Now you must embrace the new King… STANNIS! For he is Azor Ahai, REBORN! He has Lightbringer. BEHOLD!
Stannis pulls out his shiny sword and it shines.
Wildlings: Ooooohhhh!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!
Stannis: Kneel to me and live. I will feed you and clothes you. You will serve me. If that is not to your liking, you can also choose to not kneel. I will let you go back into the forests to die in the cold. Your choice. No pressure or anything.
Most decide to kneel, and one-by-one join Stannis. They are led away to get clothes and good. Some turn away and head back into the northern woods.
Jon: Ugh. I told Stannis not to make them kneel. Another thing he didn’t listen to. The Wildlings choose their own kings. The whole “kneeling” thing isn’t what they go for. That’s probably the most disrespectful thing that Stannis could possibly ever do to these guys.
Stannis: Hrm. Looks like this burning pyre here is running pretty low. Better feed the fire with some more wood.
Stannis’s men chop down the nearby weirwood trees and throw them into the fire to burn. You know, the same weirwood trees that northerners, including Wildlings, worship as a connection to their old gods.
Jon: I stand corrected. THAT is the most disrespectful thing that Stannis could possibly do. And it’s not like enough Wildings joined our side to make a difference. If the Wildling army chooses to attack again, we’re probably still screwed.
After the ceremony, Bowen Marsh comes up to Jon.
Jon: Oh shit! Bowen Marsh the Lord Steward! You’re still alive? I just figured you were one of the many, many supporting characters that died on the Wall when the Wildlings attacked.
Bowen Marsh: No, you’re probably thinking of Donal Noye or something.
Jon: Yes. Probably. What’s up?
Bowen: These Wildlings… sure, they’ve bent the knee now. But will they be loyal?
Jon: Some will. Some won’t. But we have a common enemy now. The Others and their armies of the dead. We’ve got to work together or we all die.
Bowen: I say we seal the gate that leads north so that nobody can get through again. The Wildlings who made their choice to stay on the other side have made their choice. Let them die.
Jon: If we seal the gates, then we can’t send out Rangers. If we can’t send out Rangers, then we’ll be blind.
Bowen: What good has sending out Rangers done for us? Lord Commander Mormont sent out that huge ranging party, and the result of it is that a quarter of our men are now dead.
Jon: Yeah, I remember. I was part of that party. Well… I guess that sucked, right? It doesn’t matter anyway. Stannis is here and Stannis would never allow the gate to be closed off.
Bowen: Do you always do as Stannis bids?
Jon: What is that supposed to mean?
Bowen: I’m just sayin. A lot of guys say that you’re getting pretty buddy-buddy with Stannis.
Jon: Pffft. That’s crazy talk. That dude has threatened to kill me 12 times already. Did you see that face that he gave me when I had those arrows put through Mance? I want Stannis gone as much as the next person, but he’s here now and he’s welcome to guest rights. Plus he saved our entire forces when the Wildlings were attacking us. We owe our lives to him, and we can let him stay for a tiny bit more if he wishes to.
Bowen: He’s another rebel king, doomed to failure. If the Iron Thrones thinks that we’ve been supporting him…
Jon: We’re not supporting him. I sent a message to Tommen that says as much. Although I’m not as certain of Stannis’s inevitable defeat as you seem to be.
Bowen: Do the people of Westeros love Tommen? I don’t know. But I can surely tell you who they do not love. Stannis and his red shadow, who burns their gods.
Jon: True dat.
Jon sighs. He misses Aemon and Sam. He goes to eat and finds his buddies there, including Pyp, Grenn, etc.
Pyp: Hahaha, that fucking Melisandre, right? Check this out!
He grabs a red table cloth and puts two grapefruits down his shirt.
Pyp: Look at me! Look at me! I’m the red witch! I am extremely physically attractive! I'm the partner of Guy Pearce! I like burning people!
Jon: WHOA, Pyp! Settle down there. Stannis’s men have eyes and ears everywhere. Don’t mock her.
Grenn: Oh, come on, Jon. Don’t be such a tight-ass. Sit down and eat with us.
Jon: No. As Lord Commander, I can’t show favoritism to anyone. I am no longer your friend. I am your Commander.
Pyp: Jeez, who made you such a sour asshole?
Jon: You did, when you got me elected.
Ghost shows up. YAAAAY! Ghost!
Jon: Come on boy, let’s leave.
Ghost: *woof* [Translate: What? I just got here. Damnit.]
And so they leave, without eating. Well, without Jon eating. Jon is hungry. Ghost is not.
Jon can taste blood in his mouth from the animal that Ghost killed earlier. Yeah, he’s a super warg. He’s not even trying and he’s still warging. It sort of pisses him off. He tells himself he's a man. Not an animal.
Jon returns to his chambers, where he sees Clydas.
Clydas: YEEEE-HAW! THEM DUKE BOYS SURE DID PULL A BIG ONE, HUH BOSS HOGG? I just saw them jump their orange horse across the canal!
Jon: Oh crap. Clydas? CLYDAS? Man, I forgot all about you. I mean I knew we took the effort to kill off Chett. I forgot that you stayed behind here to take care of the ravens and stuff.
Clydas: Well don’t worry too much about me, Boss Hogg! I’m just here so you has someone to talk to. I’ll just be petting this raven here, which I named Ol’ Velvet Ears, while you deliver exposition to me.
Jon: Okay. But please stop calling me “Boss Hogg.” Also... do ravens even have ears?
Clydas: You rootin-tootin' bet they do, Boss H--err... Lord Commander. They're just hidden under feathers called auriculars, which went done and covered them ear openings to protect them little bird ears from wind noise. YEEEE-HAWWW!
Jon: Okay, shut up. Now comes the exposition. *ahem* Yes, Clydas. I was reading the Jade Compendium, which Aemon gave me in my last POV chapter, and also which he gave me in Sam’s first POV chapter an entire book ago. I saw that he highlighted some particular pages for me. About Azor Ahai, and the sword Lightbringer. Which is coincidental because Melisandre was just talking about those very things. The book says that Azor Ahai tried to make his magical sword that could defeat the darkness over and over again. 100 times. But every time he tried to forge his magic sword, it failed. Until he decided to stab his beautiful wife, Nissa Nissa, right in her breasts. Murdering his wife in the titties made the sword magical, and it glowed warm to the touch. Which is a pretty depressing way to get the magical sword you wanted. Killing your beloved wife and everything.
Clydas: Wooo hooo! What a hootin’ good time it would be to have a sword that generates its own warmth up here in the wall! Why that would be hotter than the four alarm chili at the Boar’s Nest tavern where Daisy works!
Jon: Yes, I guess? But I’ve seen Stannis’s sword and have been close to it. It doesn’t generate its own heat. It is cold to the touch. So it can’t really be Lightbringer.
Jon then walks away and goes into his own room to write some letters.
Jon: Hrm. Now what was it that Maester Aemon told me? Was it “kill the boy and let the man be born” or was it “please make sure to send all of your friends and allies away so that nobody is left at Castle Black who you can trust?” Hrmm. Hrmm. So hard to remember which of those two sage pieces of advice is the correct one.
Jon then decides it must have been the latter. He writes a letter to Cotter Pyke at Eastwatch, telling him that he’s going to send him Pype and Grenn. He also sends a letter to Denys Mallister at the Shadow Tower, telling him that he’s getting Halder and Toad. Those are another two of Jon’s allies. You haven’t heard much about them. Whatever. Now you don’t have to worry about them.
As soon as Jon writes the letters, the four magically vanish to never be seen again. And that’s that.
Jon: Well, I think that’s what Aemon would have wanted. For me to be totally alone and with nobody to stand up for me.
Aemon: That’s not what I said at all!!!Jon: Huh? What was that?
Suddenly, the Old Bear’s raven lands and walks over to Jon.
Raven: Corn.
Jon: Ah, now you’re the only friend I have left.
Raven: *squawk* Dude, we are not friends. I’m just asking for some corn.
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: What the hell, Jon? Are you forgetting about me?]
Jon: No, no, no! Ghost! I know I’ve still got you. It’s just… like… you’re more than a friend. It’s like you’re a part of me.
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Gross. Dude, are you coming on to me?]
Jon: *sigh* Well, I guess this is my lot in life. From now until the day I die.
Raven: *squawk* Which will be pretty soon. *squawk*
Jon: What was that, Raven?
Raven: Nothing. I just said, “corn.” *squawk*
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