That last chapter was super long. So we cut it in half. We now join our previous broadcast, now in session. Dany just had a visit from Quaithe while she was bathing. Yet Quaithe vanishes, just as Missandei walks in.
Missandei: —Who the hell are you talking to?
Dany: Oh, hi Missandei! Check it out! It’s my friend Quaithe from Qarth. She randomly showed up here using her magic powers. Quaithe, say hi to… uhh…
Dany looks. Quaithe is gone.
Dany: I SWEAR! She was here a minute ago.
Missandei: Uh huuuuuuh.
Dany: I’M NOT CRAZY! SHE WAS HERE!
Later, (or maybe the next day? Who cares?) Dany is dressed and goes out to meet her audience for the day. One of the first people she sees is Reznak. If you're following at home, Quaithe just told Dany to "beware the perfumed seneschal."
Dany: I’m watching you, buddy!!! Yeah. I see you there, perfumed seneschal!!!
Reznak: What the hell did I do?
He smells himself.
Reznak: Hrm. Maybe I am laying it on a bit heavy with the Axe Body Spray. But I gotta get the chicks, man!
That doesn't work, by the way.
Dany: What’s the first order of business for the day?
Reznak: These stonecutters are angry that their former slaves have opened a new stonecutter shop that is a competitor to them. They say it’s driving down the prices of their good, artisanal work.
Dany: Hehehe, you said “art is anal.” Please tell the stonecutters to construct themselves large granite dildos to sit on. BECAUSE I DO NOT CARE. NEXT!
Reznak: Next is… well… Hizdahr zo Loraq.
Hizdahr zo Loraq comes forward.
Dany: NO! NO! NO! NO! Oh GOD! You’re here to tell me to open the fighting pits again, right?
Hizdahr: Indeed I am!
Dany: No. NEXT!
The Showtime at the Apollo people show up to sweep Hizdahr off the stage.
Hizdahr: Wait! Wait! I didn’t come alone. Look! I’ve brought people with me. Former slaves! Also, a representative from the 2019 U.S. Republican Party.
Dany: Okay, former slaves. Of course I’ll listen to you.
Goghor the Giant: Hello there! I’m Goghor the Giant! I’m a former slave gladiator from the fighting pits! I was a great champion. Everybody loved me. I made tons of cash and got lots of sweet poon, if you know what I mean.
Dany: *sigh* Unfortunately, I do. Go on, but be quick. Like you likely were inside the poon. HAHAHA!
Dany raises her hand up, and Grey Worm unexcitedly high fives it.
Goghor: You say I am a free man now. But I am not free to fight! That’s all I want to do.
Dany: Uhh… but it’s a fight TO THE DEATH. You will die if you lose.
Goghor: Better to die and be remembered. The greatest brave fighters who win many matches before they die in the pits have their name chiseled in stone for all eternity. People a thousand years from now will read their names and remember them. They were heroes! But what of a common free man who lives a common life with a wife and has a child. His children will remember his name. And then his children’s children. But after that? Probably not. And a generation after that? Definitely not. Those people will be lost in time. Like tears… in… rain.
Dany: OOOH! BLADE RUNNER! I LOVE THAT! Do the C-Beams part! Do the C-Beams part!
Goghor: I’m just saying… we’re all ephemeral. We exist for such a small time in this world. Nobody lives forever. The best we can hope for is to be remembered after we are gone. When I was a slave, I could fight in the pits and had the chance to be remembered forever. Now that I am a free man… that is gone. I will never die gloriously in gladiatorial combat and have my name chiseled in stone.
Republican: And therefore things were much better for slaves under slavery than freedom! Ta-da! This is basically the platform of our party in 2019, although ironically we were initially started as an antislavery party.
Drogon flies in, sets him on fire, and eats him.
Dany: Wow, this is some really messed-up, slavery-can-be-good stuff I’m hearing here.
Hizdahr: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Republican dude said that, not me. I’m not saying bring slavery back. I’m just saying bring the fighting pits back. And let FREE MEN choose to fight in the pits, if they wish. Look, it's messed up that slavery begun in the first place and that this Goghor guy doesn't know anything other than what he was taught to know as a slave. To fight. But we can't change the past. Goghor is free now, and he wishes to fight. Other free men do too. Let men like Goghor choose to fight if they wants to. For profit!
Dany: Hrmm.
Hizdahr: Profit for him? No bae! Profit FOR YOU! We can tax the hell out of it. Think about it. The winners get half of the profits from the fights… but who gets the rest of the money? You do, Dany! The state! You’re running the games and can collect tons of cash. All the entry tickets. All the concessions. We could probably even get some artisanal wine sellers from some far off land like Dorne to sell their wine at the stadium. We could charge four times as much for that fancy “exotic” wine than we do for the normal wine that comes from around here. You know all the rich masters from the pyramids will HAVE to be seen drinking that expensive Dornish wine. And so will all the trendy hipsters. For a while, at least. Until they think it’s “too cool” to drink the expensive craft wine and go back to drinking the crap wine because it’s “not cool.” And the markup profits from all that wine? THEY GO RIGHT TO US! We can pay for armies, weapons, supplies… we can pay to rebuild this city.
Dany: Hehe. You said “art is anal.”
Hizdahr: ..
Dany: Also… do you know just how unlikely it is that a bunch of wine-sellers from Dorne would ever show up here to make such a deal with us? I say NIGH IMPOSSIBLE.
Hizdahr: I mean… maybe… like… slightly impossible. It could happen.
Dany: Okay. SHUT UP. I’ll consider it. No promises. I’m done for the day.
She leaves, heading back to her bedroom. There, Barristan is waiting for her.
Dany: Hrm. Not creepy at all. Anyway, Barristan. Tell me the story about how you joined me.
Barristan: Oh right. Because there is a period of time in-between me storming outafter Joffrey dismissed me, and when I showed up to join you under the secret identity of “Not Barristan.” Do you really think the readers care about that time in-between?
Dany: Eh, good point. Not really. Let’s skip it.
Barristan: Although I guess one point that comes up in the story is that I had to hide in Kings Landing for a bit, disguised as a regular old peasant guy. I even saw Ned Stark beheaded. And telling that story to you gets you all riled up about how Ned Stark was a traitor who should have been beheaded.
Dany: HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN! He supported the usurper! Yes I’m glad he’s dead and I hope he burns in hell.
Barristan: It’s not that simple. Stark was the only voice that spoke against killing you in the small council meetings. He thought killing a pregnant girl was outrageous. The Starks had nothing to do with the murder of your niece and nephew, Rhaenys and Aegon either. That was all the Lannisters.
Dany: All the lapdogs of the usurper are guilty. KILL THEM ALL!
Barristan: Mmmm, okay. Well, I hope you don’t go insane and start burning everyone like your father.
Dany: What was that?
Barristan: Nothing.
Dany: *sigh* Burning? Now you just made me think of that farmer’s kid who Drogon burnt to death. Which also makes me recall that, in-between that last chapter and this one - I ordered all of my dragons to be chained up and locked in the old dungeons under this pyramid. Of course, they never caught Drogon. Hence why he was able to randomly and conveniently swoop in and kill people for comic purposes earlier in this chapter.
Barristan: Wait. That locking up the dragons stuff all happened in-between chapters in the books? It wasn’t even featured in the main story?
Dany: Nope. It’s really odd what major events the book just lazily has occur between chapters, rather than describing or having as part of the narrative. Anyway, what kind of mother lets her children be locked up in chains to rot in the darkness?
Barristan: Uhh… the type of mother who doesn’t want her citizens being burned alive and eaten by dragons?
Dany: Mother of Dragons? More like Mother of Monsters! And if they are monsters… then maybe I have to be a monster too!
Barristan: Or… you know... not?
Missandei: —Who the hell are you talking to?
Dany: Oh, hi Missandei! Check it out! It’s my friend Quaithe from Qarth. She randomly showed up here using her magic powers. Quaithe, say hi to… uhh…
Dany looks. Quaithe is gone.
Dany: I SWEAR! She was here a minute ago.
Missandei: Uh huuuuuuh.
Dany: I’M NOT CRAZY! SHE WAS HERE!
Later, (or maybe the next day? Who cares?) Dany is dressed and goes out to meet her audience for the day. One of the first people she sees is Reznak. If you're following at home, Quaithe just told Dany to "beware the perfumed seneschal."
Dany: I’m watching you, buddy!!! Yeah. I see you there, perfumed seneschal!!!
Reznak: What the hell did I do?
He smells himself.
Reznak: Hrm. Maybe I am laying it on a bit heavy with the Axe Body Spray. But I gotta get the chicks, man!
That doesn't work, by the way.
Dany: What’s the first order of business for the day?
Reznak: These stonecutters are angry that their former slaves have opened a new stonecutter shop that is a competitor to them. They say it’s driving down the prices of their good, artisanal work.
Dany: Hehehe, you said “art is anal.” Please tell the stonecutters to construct themselves large granite dildos to sit on. BECAUSE I DO NOT CARE. NEXT!
Reznak: Next is… well… Hizdahr zo Loraq.
Hizdahr zo Loraq comes forward.
Dany: NO! NO! NO! NO! Oh GOD! You’re here to tell me to open the fighting pits again, right?
Hizdahr: Indeed I am!
Dany: No. NEXT!
The Showtime at the Apollo people show up to sweep Hizdahr off the stage.
Hizdahr: Wait! Wait! I didn’t come alone. Look! I’ve brought people with me. Former slaves! Also, a representative from the 2019 U.S. Republican Party.
Dany: Okay, former slaves. Of course I’ll listen to you.
Goghor the Giant: Hello there! I’m Goghor the Giant! I’m a former slave gladiator from the fighting pits! I was a great champion. Everybody loved me. I made tons of cash and got lots of sweet poon, if you know what I mean.
Dany: *sigh* Unfortunately, I do. Go on, but be quick. Like you likely were inside the poon. HAHAHA!
Dany raises her hand up, and Grey Worm unexcitedly high fives it.
Goghor: You say I am a free man now. But I am not free to fight! That’s all I want to do.
Dany: Uhh… but it’s a fight TO THE DEATH. You will die if you lose.
Goghor: Better to die and be remembered. The greatest brave fighters who win many matches before they die in the pits have their name chiseled in stone for all eternity. People a thousand years from now will read their names and remember them. They were heroes! But what of a common free man who lives a common life with a wife and has a child. His children will remember his name. And then his children’s children. But after that? Probably not. And a generation after that? Definitely not. Those people will be lost in time. Like tears… in… rain.
Dany: OOOH! BLADE RUNNER! I LOVE THAT! Do the C-Beams part! Do the C-Beams part!
Goghor: I’m just saying… we’re all ephemeral. We exist for such a small time in this world. Nobody lives forever. The best we can hope for is to be remembered after we are gone. When I was a slave, I could fight in the pits and had the chance to be remembered forever. Now that I am a free man… that is gone. I will never die gloriously in gladiatorial combat and have my name chiseled in stone.
Republican: And therefore things were much better for slaves under slavery than freedom! Ta-da! This is basically the platform of our party in 2019, although ironically we were initially started as an antislavery party.
Drogon flies in, sets him on fire, and eats him.
Dany: Wow, this is some really messed-up, slavery-can-be-good stuff I’m hearing here.
Hizdahr: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Republican dude said that, not me. I’m not saying bring slavery back. I’m just saying bring the fighting pits back. And let FREE MEN choose to fight in the pits, if they wish. Look, it's messed up that slavery begun in the first place and that this Goghor guy doesn't know anything other than what he was taught to know as a slave. To fight. But we can't change the past. Goghor is free now, and he wishes to fight. Other free men do too. Let men like Goghor choose to fight if they wants to. For profit!
Dany: Hrmm.
Hizdahr: Profit for him? No bae! Profit FOR YOU! We can tax the hell out of it. Think about it. The winners get half of the profits from the fights… but who gets the rest of the money? You do, Dany! The state! You’re running the games and can collect tons of cash. All the entry tickets. All the concessions. We could probably even get some artisanal wine sellers from some far off land like Dorne to sell their wine at the stadium. We could charge four times as much for that fancy “exotic” wine than we do for the normal wine that comes from around here. You know all the rich masters from the pyramids will HAVE to be seen drinking that expensive Dornish wine. And so will all the trendy hipsters. For a while, at least. Until they think it’s “too cool” to drink the expensive craft wine and go back to drinking the crap wine because it’s “not cool.” And the markup profits from all that wine? THEY GO RIGHT TO US! We can pay for armies, weapons, supplies… we can pay to rebuild this city.
Dany: Hehe. You said “art is anal.”
Hizdahr: ..
Dany: Also… do you know just how unlikely it is that a bunch of wine-sellers from Dorne would ever show up here to make such a deal with us? I say NIGH IMPOSSIBLE.
Hizdahr: I mean… maybe… like… slightly impossible. It could happen.
Dany: Okay. SHUT UP. I’ll consider it. No promises. I’m done for the day.
She leaves, heading back to her bedroom. There, Barristan is waiting for her.
Dany: Hrm. Not creepy at all. Anyway, Barristan. Tell me the story about how you joined me.
Barristan: Oh right. Because there is a period of time in-between me storming outafter Joffrey dismissed me, and when I showed up to join you under the secret identity of “Not Barristan.” Do you really think the readers care about that time in-between?
Dany: Eh, good point. Not really. Let’s skip it.
Barristan: Although I guess one point that comes up in the story is that I had to hide in Kings Landing for a bit, disguised as a regular old peasant guy. I even saw Ned Stark beheaded. And telling that story to you gets you all riled up about how Ned Stark was a traitor who should have been beheaded.
Dany: HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN! He supported the usurper! Yes I’m glad he’s dead and I hope he burns in hell.
Barristan: It’s not that simple. Stark was the only voice that spoke against killing you in the small council meetings. He thought killing a pregnant girl was outrageous. The Starks had nothing to do with the murder of your niece and nephew, Rhaenys and Aegon either. That was all the Lannisters.
Dany: All the lapdogs of the usurper are guilty. KILL THEM ALL!
Barristan: Mmmm, okay. Well, I hope you don’t go insane and start burning everyone like your father.
Dany: What was that?
Barristan: Nothing.
Dany: *sigh* Burning? Now you just made me think of that farmer’s kid who Drogon burnt to death. Which also makes me recall that, in-between that last chapter and this one - I ordered all of my dragons to be chained up and locked in the old dungeons under this pyramid. Of course, they never caught Drogon. Hence why he was able to randomly and conveniently swoop in and kill people for comic purposes earlier in this chapter.
Barristan: Wait. That locking up the dragons stuff all happened in-between chapters in the books? It wasn’t even featured in the main story?
Dany: Nope. It’s really odd what major events the book just lazily has occur between chapters, rather than describing or having as part of the narrative. Anyway, what kind of mother lets her children be locked up in chains to rot in the darkness?
Barristan: Uhh… the type of mother who doesn’t want her citizens being burned alive and eaten by dragons?
Dany: Mother of Dragons? More like Mother of Monsters! And if they are monsters… then maybe I have to be a monster too!
Barristan: Or… you know... not?
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