Davos Seaworth, the Onion Knight and Hand of the King to Stannis, is bound up and gagged.
David Carradine: Kinky! That seems like a good idea.
Eww.
Anyway, he is a prisoner being led to Lord Godric Borrell of Sweetsister in his castle, Breakwater. This is one of the three islands making up the islands known as the Three Sisters. Which now that I explain it, seems kind of obvious.
Lord Godric: Well, well, well. Lookie who we have here. A smuggler, sneaking into my city. And not just any smuggler. That hand with the fingers cut off. You can only be The Onion Knight. What the hell are you doing here?
Davos: If your men would have let me explain, Lord Godric, rather than tying me up like some sort of S&M freaks, I could have shown you this letter. It bears the seal of King Stannis. It is intended for Lord Wyman Manderly of White Harbor.
Godric: Oh, I see. Well Davos, I’m not sure how you got to be such a good smuggler back in the day if you can’t tell one port from another. This is Sweetsister, not White Harbor.
Davos: Indeed it is. But the storms, my lordship. Surely you saw them pass through. I was sailing with Salladhor Saan and Stannis’s fleet when the storm broke our forces apart. Some fled and abandoned the rest of us. Like Saan, for instance. But then again none of us ever really thought that he was a trustworthy character, right? I wouldn’t abandon my king though, and so I rode ashore to here in a row boat.
Godric: What I should do is turn you over to Lord Sunderland, the overall Lord of the Three Sisters, who will sell you to the Lannisters.
Davos: Sunderland? But he and the Three Sisters are sworn to the Eyrie. That makes Lysa Arryn his Liege Lady. She would never! She has taken no side in this war of kings.
Godric: Wow. Where have you been for the past book, Davos? Stranded on a rock?
Davos: Don’t bring up being stranded on a rock. I still have some lingering emotional damage over that one.
Godric: Lysa Arryn is dead, and Lord Littlefinger rules the Vale now.
Davos: Dafuq?
Godric: I know, right? So what’s it worth to you to be sold back to Stannis instead of the Lannisters? How much would that king ransom you for?
Davos: Hrm. I dunno. Perhaps if you let me go back to him up at the Wall, I’ll ask him and then I will come back and let you know.
Godric: Okay, sounds good. Men, release Davos so that—HEYYYY! WAIT A MINUTE!!! You almost got me there, Onion Knight. Nice try.
Davos: I figured it was worth a shot.
Godric: So, Stannis is at the Wall, huh? Tell me, is that where the Imp is too?
Davos: The Imp? What? Are you talking about Tyrion Lannister? Why wouldn’t he just be at King’s Landing, still under arrest for the murder of Joffrey? Or probably beheaded by now.
Godric: Oh wow, you really HAVE been out of the loop for a bit, huh? Tyrion Lannister escaped and murdered his father. Since then he’s been on the run and Cersei has been offering huge rewards for his capture.
Davos: He murdered… his… his… father? You mean LORD TYWIN IS DEAD?!
Godric: Aye, and now Cersei rules as regent for her son.
Davos: King Stannis must know of this! I beg of you, let me send a raven to the Wall to let him know.
Godric: Nah. That sound like me taking a side in this war. That’s not what I’m about. So far, the Three Sisters have avoided the devastation of this war. I’d like to keep it that way. But come, have dinner and eat with me. We have things to talk about.
Davos: Eat dinner? Hell yeah! That’s what I’m talking about. Not only am I super hungry, but eating your bread also gives me that “Guest Right” thing where you can’t kill me. Well, I guess that used to be a rule. These days though… I dunno. You’re not exactly renowned to be a stand-up dude. They call you a “wrecker lord” because you pretty much just count on ships being wrecked off your coast and then raid/steal from those people. But it’s still better than being a Frey, right?
And so they eat and talk. For one night at least, Davos is safe under Godric’s roof.
Godric: Look dude, I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But I’m not aligning with Stannis. No way under these conditions can I help out. You mentioned the Freys? Well… a boatload of them recently passed by, on their way to White Harbor. I think Lord Manderly has already chosen sides.
Davos: WHAT?! That makes no sense! The Freys murdered Lord Manderly’s son! Why would he ally with them?
Godric: Lord Manderly can do nothing about his dead son. But the Freys and Lannisters still have another alive son as a hostage. I understand that they intend to seal the whole deal with a marriage. Some Frey boy will marry some Manderly girl. Something like that. I don’t know who.
Davos: Please! You must let me sail on to White Harbor! Maybe… maybe it’s not too late and I can get to Manderly first, before the Freys.
Godric: Look… I don’t love this King Tommen boy any. But why should I love Stannis any more than I love Tommen? Stannis once threatened to hang me for wrecking ships.
Davos: Well, that does sound like something Stannis would do. But look at the other side… you have a boy king. A boy king without Tywin Lannister to guide him. Just how well do you think that side is going to do with its mastermind Tywin now dead?
Godric: Tommen still has the wealth of Casterly Rock and the might of Highgarden on his side. He has the Boltons. He has the Freys. But… hrmm…
Davos: But what? Come on! Finish that thought!
Godric: Let me tell you a little story about Robert’s Rebellion. Ned Stark was sailing down to help his buddy Robert, but wound up shipwrecked here at the Sisters at the beginning of that war. I wasn’t ruling then, but my father was. My father’s maester urged him to send Ned’s head to Mad King Aerys, saying that Prince Rhaegar would surely defeat the usurper. My father told Ned of the maester’s recommendation. Do you know what Ned said back?
Davos: As I wasn’t there and I am not a psychic, no. But do tell.
Godric: Dude, shut up. It was rhetorical. He said, “In this world, only winter is certain. We may lose our heads, it’s true. But what if we prevail?”
Davos: Cool story bro.
Godric: If my father had beheaded Ned Stark, Robert probably would have still won anyway… and it would have been our asses Robert killed next after Rhaegar. Robert would have brought that giant Warhammer here and we’d all be dead. But we didn’t kill Ned Stark. We let him go. And do you know what my father said to Ned? No… wait… rhetorical question again. I’m just going to tell you. He said, “You were never here.”
Davos: No. Just like I was never here.
Godric: Hahaha, YEAH! You got the picture, Onion Knight. Now get the fuck out of here.
Suddenly, a messenger runs into the room.
Messenger: Lord Godric! I'm so sorry for interrupting! But I had to come as quickly as possible. We just found David Carradine hanging in your closet.
Godric: Oh fuck! Another mess to clean up.
David Carradine: Kinky! That seems like a good idea.
Eww.
Anyway, he is a prisoner being led to Lord Godric Borrell of Sweetsister in his castle, Breakwater. This is one of the three islands making up the islands known as the Three Sisters. Which now that I explain it, seems kind of obvious.
Lord Godric: Well, well, well. Lookie who we have here. A smuggler, sneaking into my city. And not just any smuggler. That hand with the fingers cut off. You can only be The Onion Knight. What the hell are you doing here?
Davos: If your men would have let me explain, Lord Godric, rather than tying me up like some sort of S&M freaks, I could have shown you this letter. It bears the seal of King Stannis. It is intended for Lord Wyman Manderly of White Harbor.
Godric: Oh, I see. Well Davos, I’m not sure how you got to be such a good smuggler back in the day if you can’t tell one port from another. This is Sweetsister, not White Harbor.
Davos: Indeed it is. But the storms, my lordship. Surely you saw them pass through. I was sailing with Salladhor Saan and Stannis’s fleet when the storm broke our forces apart. Some fled and abandoned the rest of us. Like Saan, for instance. But then again none of us ever really thought that he was a trustworthy character, right? I wouldn’t abandon my king though, and so I rode ashore to here in a row boat.
Godric: What I should do is turn you over to Lord Sunderland, the overall Lord of the Three Sisters, who will sell you to the Lannisters.
Davos: Sunderland? But he and the Three Sisters are sworn to the Eyrie. That makes Lysa Arryn his Liege Lady. She would never! She has taken no side in this war of kings.
Godric: Wow. Where have you been for the past book, Davos? Stranded on a rock?
Davos: Don’t bring up being stranded on a rock. I still have some lingering emotional damage over that one.
Godric: Lysa Arryn is dead, and Lord Littlefinger rules the Vale now.
Davos: Dafuq?
Godric: I know, right? So what’s it worth to you to be sold back to Stannis instead of the Lannisters? How much would that king ransom you for?
Davos: Hrm. I dunno. Perhaps if you let me go back to him up at the Wall, I’ll ask him and then I will come back and let you know.
Godric: Okay, sounds good. Men, release Davos so that—HEYYYY! WAIT A MINUTE!!! You almost got me there, Onion Knight. Nice try.
Davos: I figured it was worth a shot.
Godric: So, Stannis is at the Wall, huh? Tell me, is that where the Imp is too?
Davos: The Imp? What? Are you talking about Tyrion Lannister? Why wouldn’t he just be at King’s Landing, still under arrest for the murder of Joffrey? Or probably beheaded by now.
Godric: Oh wow, you really HAVE been out of the loop for a bit, huh? Tyrion Lannister escaped and murdered his father. Since then he’s been on the run and Cersei has been offering huge rewards for his capture.
Davos: He murdered… his… his… father? You mean LORD TYWIN IS DEAD?!
Godric: Aye, and now Cersei rules as regent for her son.
Davos: King Stannis must know of this! I beg of you, let me send a raven to the Wall to let him know.
Godric: Nah. That sound like me taking a side in this war. That’s not what I’m about. So far, the Three Sisters have avoided the devastation of this war. I’d like to keep it that way. But come, have dinner and eat with me. We have things to talk about.
Davos: Eat dinner? Hell yeah! That’s what I’m talking about. Not only am I super hungry, but eating your bread also gives me that “Guest Right” thing where you can’t kill me. Well, I guess that used to be a rule. These days though… I dunno. You’re not exactly renowned to be a stand-up dude. They call you a “wrecker lord” because you pretty much just count on ships being wrecked off your coast and then raid/steal from those people. But it’s still better than being a Frey, right?
And so they eat and talk. For one night at least, Davos is safe under Godric’s roof.
Godric: Look dude, I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But I’m not aligning with Stannis. No way under these conditions can I help out. You mentioned the Freys? Well… a boatload of them recently passed by, on their way to White Harbor. I think Lord Manderly has already chosen sides.
Davos: WHAT?! That makes no sense! The Freys murdered Lord Manderly’s son! Why would he ally with them?
Godric: Lord Manderly can do nothing about his dead son. But the Freys and Lannisters still have another alive son as a hostage. I understand that they intend to seal the whole deal with a marriage. Some Frey boy will marry some Manderly girl. Something like that. I don’t know who.
Davos: Please! You must let me sail on to White Harbor! Maybe… maybe it’s not too late and I can get to Manderly first, before the Freys.
Godric: Look… I don’t love this King Tommen boy any. But why should I love Stannis any more than I love Tommen? Stannis once threatened to hang me for wrecking ships.
Davos: Well, that does sound like something Stannis would do. But look at the other side… you have a boy king. A boy king without Tywin Lannister to guide him. Just how well do you think that side is going to do with its mastermind Tywin now dead?
Godric: Tommen still has the wealth of Casterly Rock and the might of Highgarden on his side. He has the Boltons. He has the Freys. But… hrmm…
Davos: But what? Come on! Finish that thought!
Godric: Let me tell you a little story about Robert’s Rebellion. Ned Stark was sailing down to help his buddy Robert, but wound up shipwrecked here at the Sisters at the beginning of that war. I wasn’t ruling then, but my father was. My father’s maester urged him to send Ned’s head to Mad King Aerys, saying that Prince Rhaegar would surely defeat the usurper. My father told Ned of the maester’s recommendation. Do you know what Ned said back?
Davos: As I wasn’t there and I am not a psychic, no. But do tell.
Godric: Dude, shut up. It was rhetorical. He said, “In this world, only winter is certain. We may lose our heads, it’s true. But what if we prevail?”
Davos: Cool story bro.
Godric: If my father had beheaded Ned Stark, Robert probably would have still won anyway… and it would have been our asses Robert killed next after Rhaegar. Robert would have brought that giant Warhammer here and we’d all be dead. But we didn’t kill Ned Stark. We let him go. And do you know what my father said to Ned? No… wait… rhetorical question again. I’m just going to tell you. He said, “You were never here.”
Davos: No. Just like I was never here.
Godric: Hahaha, YEAH! You got the picture, Onion Knight. Now get the fuck out of here.
Suddenly, a messenger runs into the room.
Messenger: Lord Godric! I'm so sorry for interrupting! But I had to come as quickly as possible. We just found David Carradine hanging in your closet.
Godric: Oh fuck! Another mess to clean up.
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