Coldhands hears something. He looks up.
Coldhands: SHIT! The Others are nearby!
Bran: What others?
Coldhands: No, dumbass. THE OTHERS. *sigh*
Bran: Ah, I can see why the TV show just called them “White Walkers.”
Coldhands: Stop talking about the TV show, kid.
Bran: Sorry. Anyway, how do you know the Others are coming?
Coldhands: My raven buddies told me.
The ravens coincidentally fly by at that very minute.
Ravens: CORN!
The ravens then fly up a nearby hill, towards a cave.
Coldhands: We’re not far from safety now, though. Look! Up on that hill. A cave! You’ll be safe in there because it’s warded so that dead things can’t enter it.
Meera: Well then, let’s get going and get there to safety!
They all start going up the hill. Except for Coldhands.
Meera: Dude, what the hell is wrong with you? Aren’t you coming with us?
Coldhands: *ahem* Let me repeat myself. “A cave! You’ll be safe in there because it’s warded so that dead things can’t enter it.”
Meera: Right. So come on up with us and—
Coldhands: —It’s warded so that dead things can’t enter it.
Meera: Oh, oh. Yeah. Right. Riiiiiight. Because you’re dead. I keep forgetting that.
Jojen: Well, like, dudes! Let’s get going! Like, totally, dudes! We need to get up there and…
Jojen then passes out.
Bran: OH NO! Jojen! I hope a skeleton wight guy doesn’t pop out of some icy lake to pull him in and kill him now!
…
…
They all wait for that to happen. But it doesn’t happen.
Bran: Hrm. It happens in the show.
Coldhands: Damnit, how many times do I have to tell you kids that this isn’t the show?! Now get on up!
Meera: Jojen! Jojen! What’s wrong?!
Jojen: Uhh… so… long… without—
Meera: —Food? Yes! That’s right! We ran out of food days ago. We ran out of all the elk meat that we ate. We even ran out of acorn paste and other disgusting crap. We’re totally starved! That must be why you’re so week.
Jojen: —n-n-no. I was going to say, “weed.” I ran out of weed five days ago. So. Weak. So. Weak.
Jojen passes out for good this time.
Meera: DAMNIT! Coldhands isn’t allowed to come up the hill because it’s warded against dead people. Bran can’t carry Jojen up because he’s a cripple. Hodor can’t carry Jojen up because he’s got to carry Bran. Summer can’t carry Jojen up because ghost probably thinks that Jojen is food right about now.
Summer: *howl* [Translation: This is true.]
Hodor: Ah yes, indeed my fine young female wayfaring companion. Indeed you are quite accurate in how you have defined this state of affairs. Although I am well known for two things – my strength and my loquacious vocabulary, I am afraid in this particular situation, neither of these character traits shall be particularly supportive. For indeed while I am strong, I am not robust enough to carry both Lords Brandon and Jojen up the hill.
Wights suddenly emerge and start grabbing Hodor.
Hodor: OH MY GOODNESS! For these undead creatures are attacking me and indeed it has given me such a fright!
He drops Bran from his basket.
Coldhands: Damn, you stupid idiots! Get going! HURRY UP! Get up that hill! I’ll stay here and fight these wights off!
Coldhands pulls off his sword and starts hacking the emerging wights left and right. Summer joins in and starts biting them too.
Meera: Come on! Let’s go!
She starts dragging her passed out brother up the steep hill.
Bran: Come on, Hodor! Come on!
Hodor: No! No! For I am quite frightened! These resurrected corpses of former humans are quite bloodcurdling! I am unable to contest these villains, climb the sheer knoll, nor do anything in my current state of dread.
Bran: *sigh* I guess I’ll have to take you over then.
Hodor: You’ll have to do what?
Bran wargs into Hodor’s body. With Bran in control, Hodor immediately starts running around and beating the crap out of wights. That is, until Hodor/Bran notices that all the wights around him are suddenly on fire.
Hodor/Bran: HUH?! What the heck is going on here? Oh wow! Is that some little girl with a torch? Where did she come from? She reminds be a bit of Arya, because she—
And suddenly an avalanche falls and buries Hodor. It knocks Bran out of Hodor’s body and into his own. But Bran is also covered in snow from the avalanche.
Bran: AGH!! Help! Help! I’m trapped in this snow! It’s so cold… so cold… so… so… very… c-c-c…uhh…
…
Bran wakes up, possibly hours later. He doesn’t know. He passed out. But now he’s inside of the cave!
Bran: OMG! Nice leap forward in the story by having me pass out. Now I have no idea how I even got in here or how we won. It’s just like when Tyrion got knocked out in that battle scene in the TV show so that we didn’t have to see it and thus saved the TV a ton of money by not having to show a battle.
Then Bran remembers that Coldhands hates it when he talks about the TV show.
Bran: Oh, I’m sorry, Coldhands. I didn’t mean to… oh… wait. There is no Coldhands. Coldhands is gone! He can’t enter the cave. So who IS here?
Meera: I’m here!
Hodor: Salutations! I am glad that you have awaken, young Lord Brandon. For I am also present.
Jojen: *weakly* Uhh… I’m here too… but… I… need… weed.
Summer: *woof* [Translation: I’m here].
Child of the Forest: I’m here too.
Bran: AGHHHHH!!!!! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!
Child of the Forest: Oh, hi. Sorry. We haven’t had a chance to be introduced yet. That’s what happens when you pass out.
Bran: OH WOW! It’s a Child of the Forest! Just like Old Nan used to tell me stories about! I can’t believe you’re real!
Child of the Forest: CHILD?! CHILD?! Oh come on, I’m a grown-ass woman. Don’t call me “child.” I just happen to be a lot shorter and smaller. In our language, we are known as “Those Who Sing the Song of Earth.”
Bran: De som sjunger jordens sang?
Child of the Forest: Huh? No. We speak the True Tongue. Not Swedish.
Bran: Oh. Well, you seem to speak pretty good Common Tongue too.
Child of the Forest: Well, I had time to learn your stupid language since I’ve walked the world of men for two hundred years.
Bran: 200 years? Damn girl, you’re looking pretty good for 200 years old.
Child of the Forest: Thanks. You can call me “Leaf.”
Jojen: Whoaaaaa… you mean… like… the sweet leaf? Let me smoke you!
Leaf: What?
Meera: Sorry, my brother is delusional and appears to think that you’re made out of marijuana. He’s pretty much going to spend all the rest of his time with you trying to figure out ways to roll you up and smoke you.
Leaf: Is he now?
Meera: Probaly.
Leaf: We’ll see about that. He can’t roll me up and smoke me if I turn him into Jojen Paste.
Jojen: Say what now?
Leaf: Mwahahaa. Nothing. Don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about it at all.
Bran: Well that hyperlink seems like it’s just an unconfirmed fan theory, I wouldn’t worry that much about it, Jojen. Other than, you know, the fact that this is about the point where the TV show killed you anyway, meaning that when GRRM discussed the future stories with the GoT showrunners, he probably told them that your character wasn’t necessary after this point. So now that I think about it, maybe you are a goner.
Jojen: Whoa. Totally lame-o, guys. What a bummer. One last toke before I’m gone?
Jojen tries to rip a piece of Leaf off and smoke it.
Leaf: I AM NOT MADE OUT OF WEED! Now come on, let’s get going, Bran.
Bran: To where?
Leaf: To where? Really? Are you really asking that? To see the Greenseer. The Three-Eyed Crow!
Bran: Oh yeah. Right. That is why I came here! Well, I better get going.
Bran tries to get up and walk.
Bran: Oh wait, I forgot I can’t do that. HODOR!!!!
And so Hodor picks Bran up and follows Leaf through some winding, dark caves.
Bran: AGH! CAVE SNAKES!!!
Leaf: Those are tree roots, dumbass.
Bran: Ah, I see that now. So many of them, though. Hey... are those weirwood tree roots?
Leaf: Yeup.
Bran: SO MANY OF THEM! There must be, like, an entire grove above us.
Leaf: Indeed. I mean you’re off to meet the magic prophet of the old gods who communicates through wierwood trees. Therefore it would be quite logical that there are a bunch of weirwood trees on top of his cave, right?
Bran: I suppose.
Finally, they get to this beautiful, wide-open cavern with a river in it and a throne made from a weirwood.
Bran: OH SHIT! It’s the Three-Eyed Crow!
Three-Eyed Crow: Yep. It’s me! Hahaha! You finally found me. Good work. Well, that certainly took a long time.
Bran: So tell me… are you, like, some ancient and mystical force that has existed for centuries?
Three-Eyed Crow: Maybe. Or maybe I’m just Ser Brynden Rivers, called "Lord Bloodraven", the bastard son of King Aegon IV Targaryen by his sixth mistress, Melissa Blackwood.
Bran: Well that later explanation would make sense since Tyrion Lannister just want on a long rant about the history of Aegon IV’s illegitimate children and the Dance of the Dragons Targaryen Civil War.
Three-Eyed Crow: True. None of this backstory stuff which gets casually dropped is filler. It all means something. Probably.
Bran: Well, since you’re a Greenseer you probably know why I’m here. Why I’ve come all this long way.
Three-Eyed Crow: Yes. You’ve come here so that I can magically heal you, and so that you can walk again.
Bran: YEP!
Three-Eyed Crow: Well, I can’t do that.
Bran: WHAT?! But that’s why I came here!
Three-Eyed Crow: I know. But I can’t do that. I’m a Greenseer, not a freaking neurosurgeon who can repair your spinal cord damage. Look at me. I’m a decaying, 100+ year old man with pale white skin that’s being partially surrounded by a weirwood tree. Do I look like I’m capable of performing spondylodesis fusion of vertebrae?
Bran: I… uh… I guess I just thought that…
Three-Eyed Crow: I mean what part of “magical person who can see the past, present and future” did you also interpret to include “and can heal broken spines?”
Bran: … So… you’re saying I’m never going to be able to walk?
Three-Eyed Crow: No. But you will FLY!
Bran: Seems like a really cool cliffhanger line to end a season on!
Three-Eyed Crow: I bet it would be.
Bran: But when we come back in two seasons, you will be totally different and played by Max von Sydow.
Three-Eyed Crow: Huh?
Bran: What?
Three-Eyed Crow: Corn.
Coldhands: SHIT! The Others are nearby!
Bran: What others?
Coldhands: No, dumbass. THE OTHERS. *sigh*
Bran: Ah, I can see why the TV show just called them “White Walkers.”
Coldhands: Stop talking about the TV show, kid.
Bran: Sorry. Anyway, how do you know the Others are coming?
Coldhands: My raven buddies told me.
The ravens coincidentally fly by at that very minute.
Ravens: CORN!
The ravens then fly up a nearby hill, towards a cave.
Coldhands: We’re not far from safety now, though. Look! Up on that hill. A cave! You’ll be safe in there because it’s warded so that dead things can’t enter it.
Meera: Well then, let’s get going and get there to safety!
They all start going up the hill. Except for Coldhands.
Meera: Dude, what the hell is wrong with you? Aren’t you coming with us?
Coldhands: *ahem* Let me repeat myself. “A cave! You’ll be safe in there because it’s warded so that dead things can’t enter it.”
Meera: Right. So come on up with us and—
Coldhands: —It’s warded so that dead things can’t enter it.
Meera: Oh, oh. Yeah. Right. Riiiiiight. Because you’re dead. I keep forgetting that.
Jojen: Well, like, dudes! Let’s get going! Like, totally, dudes! We need to get up there and…
Jojen then passes out.
Bran: OH NO! Jojen! I hope a skeleton wight guy doesn’t pop out of some icy lake to pull him in and kill him now!
…
…
They all wait for that to happen. But it doesn’t happen.
Bran: Hrm. It happens in the show.
Coldhands: Damnit, how many times do I have to tell you kids that this isn’t the show?! Now get on up!
Meera: Jojen! Jojen! What’s wrong?!
Jojen: Uhh… so… long… without—
Meera: —Food? Yes! That’s right! We ran out of food days ago. We ran out of all the elk meat that we ate. We even ran out of acorn paste and other disgusting crap. We’re totally starved! That must be why you’re so week.
Jojen: —n-n-no. I was going to say, “weed.” I ran out of weed five days ago. So. Weak. So. Weak.
Jojen passes out for good this time.
Meera: DAMNIT! Coldhands isn’t allowed to come up the hill because it’s warded against dead people. Bran can’t carry Jojen up because he’s a cripple. Hodor can’t carry Jojen up because he’s got to carry Bran. Summer can’t carry Jojen up because ghost probably thinks that Jojen is food right about now.
Summer: *howl* [Translation: This is true.]
Hodor: Ah yes, indeed my fine young female wayfaring companion. Indeed you are quite accurate in how you have defined this state of affairs. Although I am well known for two things – my strength and my loquacious vocabulary, I am afraid in this particular situation, neither of these character traits shall be particularly supportive. For indeed while I am strong, I am not robust enough to carry both Lords Brandon and Jojen up the hill.
Wights suddenly emerge and start grabbing Hodor.
Hodor: OH MY GOODNESS! For these undead creatures are attacking me and indeed it has given me such a fright!
He drops Bran from his basket.
Coldhands: Damn, you stupid idiots! Get going! HURRY UP! Get up that hill! I’ll stay here and fight these wights off!
Coldhands pulls off his sword and starts hacking the emerging wights left and right. Summer joins in and starts biting them too.
Meera: Come on! Let’s go!
She starts dragging her passed out brother up the steep hill.
Bran: Come on, Hodor! Come on!
Hodor: No! No! For I am quite frightened! These resurrected corpses of former humans are quite bloodcurdling! I am unable to contest these villains, climb the sheer knoll, nor do anything in my current state of dread.
Bran: *sigh* I guess I’ll have to take you over then.
Hodor: You’ll have to do what?
Bran wargs into Hodor’s body. With Bran in control, Hodor immediately starts running around and beating the crap out of wights. That is, until Hodor/Bran notices that all the wights around him are suddenly on fire.
Hodor/Bran: HUH?! What the heck is going on here? Oh wow! Is that some little girl with a torch? Where did she come from? She reminds be a bit of Arya, because she—
And suddenly an avalanche falls and buries Hodor. It knocks Bran out of Hodor’s body and into his own. But Bran is also covered in snow from the avalanche.
Bran: AGH!! Help! Help! I’m trapped in this snow! It’s so cold… so cold… so… so… very… c-c-c…uhh…
…
Bran wakes up, possibly hours later. He doesn’t know. He passed out. But now he’s inside of the cave!
Bran: OMG! Nice leap forward in the story by having me pass out. Now I have no idea how I even got in here or how we won. It’s just like when Tyrion got knocked out in that battle scene in the TV show so that we didn’t have to see it and thus saved the TV a ton of money by not having to show a battle.
Then Bran remembers that Coldhands hates it when he talks about the TV show.
Bran: Oh, I’m sorry, Coldhands. I didn’t mean to… oh… wait. There is no Coldhands. Coldhands is gone! He can’t enter the cave. So who IS here?
Meera: I’m here!
Hodor: Salutations! I am glad that you have awaken, young Lord Brandon. For I am also present.
Jojen: *weakly* Uhh… I’m here too… but… I… need… weed.
Summer: *woof* [Translation: I’m here].
Child of the Forest: I’m here too.
Bran: AGHHHHH!!!!! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!
Child of the Forest: Oh, hi. Sorry. We haven’t had a chance to be introduced yet. That’s what happens when you pass out.
Bran: OH WOW! It’s a Child of the Forest! Just like Old Nan used to tell me stories about! I can’t believe you’re real!
Child of the Forest: CHILD?! CHILD?! Oh come on, I’m a grown-ass woman. Don’t call me “child.” I just happen to be a lot shorter and smaller. In our language, we are known as “Those Who Sing the Song of Earth.”
Bran: De som sjunger jordens sang?
Child of the Forest: Huh? No. We speak the True Tongue. Not Swedish.
Bran: Oh. Well, you seem to speak pretty good Common Tongue too.
Child of the Forest: Well, I had time to learn your stupid language since I’ve walked the world of men for two hundred years.
Bran: 200 years? Damn girl, you’re looking pretty good for 200 years old.
Child of the Forest: Thanks. You can call me “Leaf.”
Jojen: Whoaaaaa… you mean… like… the sweet leaf? Let me smoke you!
Leaf: What?
Meera: Sorry, my brother is delusional and appears to think that you’re made out of marijuana. He’s pretty much going to spend all the rest of his time with you trying to figure out ways to roll you up and smoke you.
Leaf: Is he now?
Meera: Probaly.
Leaf: We’ll see about that. He can’t roll me up and smoke me if I turn him into Jojen Paste.
Jojen: Say what now?
Leaf: Mwahahaa. Nothing. Don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about it at all.
Bran: Well that hyperlink seems like it’s just an unconfirmed fan theory, I wouldn’t worry that much about it, Jojen. Other than, you know, the fact that this is about the point where the TV show killed you anyway, meaning that when GRRM discussed the future stories with the GoT showrunners, he probably told them that your character wasn’t necessary after this point. So now that I think about it, maybe you are a goner.
Jojen: Whoa. Totally lame-o, guys. What a bummer. One last toke before I’m gone?
Jojen tries to rip a piece of Leaf off and smoke it.
Leaf: I AM NOT MADE OUT OF WEED! Now come on, let’s get going, Bran.
Bran: To where?
Leaf: To where? Really? Are you really asking that? To see the Greenseer. The Three-Eyed Crow!
Bran: Oh yeah. Right. That is why I came here! Well, I better get going.
Bran tries to get up and walk.
Bran: Oh wait, I forgot I can’t do that. HODOR!!!!
And so Hodor picks Bran up and follows Leaf through some winding, dark caves.
Bran: AGH! CAVE SNAKES!!!
Leaf: Those are tree roots, dumbass.
Bran: Ah, I see that now. So many of them, though. Hey... are those weirwood tree roots?
Leaf: Yeup.
Bran: SO MANY OF THEM! There must be, like, an entire grove above us.
Leaf: Indeed. I mean you’re off to meet the magic prophet of the old gods who communicates through wierwood trees. Therefore it would be quite logical that there are a bunch of weirwood trees on top of his cave, right?
Bran: I suppose.
Finally, they get to this beautiful, wide-open cavern with a river in it and a throne made from a weirwood.
Bran: OH SHIT! It’s the Three-Eyed Crow!
Three-Eyed Crow: Yep. It’s me! Hahaha! You finally found me. Good work. Well, that certainly took a long time.
Bran: So tell me… are you, like, some ancient and mystical force that has existed for centuries?
Three-Eyed Crow: Maybe. Or maybe I’m just Ser Brynden Rivers, called "Lord Bloodraven", the bastard son of King Aegon IV Targaryen by his sixth mistress, Melissa Blackwood.
Bran: Well that later explanation would make sense since Tyrion Lannister just want on a long rant about the history of Aegon IV’s illegitimate children and the Dance of the Dragons Targaryen Civil War.
Three-Eyed Crow: True. None of this backstory stuff which gets casually dropped is filler. It all means something. Probably.
Bran: Well, since you’re a Greenseer you probably know why I’m here. Why I’ve come all this long way.
Three-Eyed Crow: Yes. You’ve come here so that I can magically heal you, and so that you can walk again.
Bran: YEP!
Three-Eyed Crow: Well, I can’t do that.
Bran: WHAT?! But that’s why I came here!
Three-Eyed Crow: I know. But I can’t do that. I’m a Greenseer, not a freaking neurosurgeon who can repair your spinal cord damage. Look at me. I’m a decaying, 100+ year old man with pale white skin that’s being partially surrounded by a weirwood tree. Do I look like I’m capable of performing spondylodesis fusion of vertebrae?
Bran: I… uh… I guess I just thought that…
Three-Eyed Crow: I mean what part of “magical person who can see the past, present and future” did you also interpret to include “and can heal broken spines?”
Bran: … So… you’re saying I’m never going to be able to walk?
Three-Eyed Crow: No. But you will FLY!
Bran: Seems like a really cool cliffhanger line to end a season on!
Three-Eyed Crow: I bet it would be.
Bran: But when we come back in two seasons, you will be totally different and played by Max von Sydow.
Three-Eyed Crow: Huh?
Bran: What?
Three-Eyed Crow: Corn.
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