Princess Arianne Martell is in the Spear tower in Dorne. Is it a luxurious tower that is basically a fancy hotel suite? Yes. It’s even got a fancy cyvasse table for her to play games. What’s cyvasse? I mean it’s basically chess, but GRRM likes giving things different names that sound fancy. It's chess, but with slightly different pieces.
Anyway, despite her luxury… she still a prisoner. Her father, Doran, will let no man see her or talk to her. Nor will he see her himself.
People give her food.
Arianne: Hey, how is my dad doing?
They don’t answer her. She throws the food away.
The next day.
Arianne: Let my dad know I want to talk to him.
They don’t respond.
She throws her food away.
The next day.
Arianne: Let my dad that I never meant for Myrcella to be harmed!
They don’t respond.
She thinks about throwing the food away, but then eats it because she's hungry and doesn't have the willpower to keep up this hunger strike.
The next day. It’s bath time.
Arianne: Did they ever catch Darkstar?
They don’t respond.
She gets grumpy and throws the bath water in the maid’s face.
The next day. Food time again.
Arianne: What about my friends? Are they imprisoned too? I heard someone say that they were taken to Ghaston Grey. It’s a terrible prison. They’re innocent.
They don’t respond.
She throws her food away.
The next week.
Arianne: Where are the Sand Snakes? Are they okay?
They don’t respond.
She throws her food away.
The next week. Bath time.
Arianne: Oh shit. It’s bath time again. Nothing seems to be working. But the girl giving me the baths is named "Cedra." I vaguely recall hearing some gossip that Cedra popped her cherry with Garin, one of my co-conspirators. Let me try something on her.
Cedra gives her a bath.
Arianne: Oh, hi Cedra. I know you’re not allowed to talk to me. But I’m just getting really worried about all my friends. You know, the ones in Ghaston Grey. I hear that Garin is in there too. They say that place is cold and windy and full of mold. I hear that half of the prisoners there die.
Cedra’s eyes pop open, and she looks super worried. She still doesn’t talk though.
The next week. Bath time again.
Arianne: Hi again, Cedra! Wow, isn’t it hard not talking to me? I mean, what a pain to not share your emotions with someone. I wish I had someone who I could talk to. One of my friends who would talk to me. One of my friends like a Garin. Not that I’m into him or anything. Although he is super cute and handsome. But I told him that once and he politely told me that he was in love with someone else. That he wanted to run away with her and marry her. I don’t know who though. But what a lucky girl, huh? I just want to talk with him as my friend. That will never happen though. Because he’ll probably be dead soon. My father Prince Doran wants him to die in that prison. So sad. And if you think it’s sad for me… just imagine how sad it must be for that other girl, whoever she is. The one that Garin loves.
Cedra gets a nervous tick. She tries to hold it back. But she can’t.
Cedra: OMG! IT’S ME! IT’S ME! GARIN IS IN LOVE WITH ME! I CAN’T LET HIM DIE!
Arianne: WHAAAAAAA? How unexpected! It’s almost as if my past relationship with Arys Oakheart, *ahem*—RIP, my lover—has proven me to be a master emotional manipulator!
Cedra: We can’t let Garin die, Arianne! What can I do to help?
Arianne: Oh. I dunno. Maybe send this secret letter that I’ve written to Lord Franklyn Fowler, asking for him to come rescue me and help break everyone else out of their prisons too. The Sand Snakes. Garin. Especially Garin. Garin who will soon die, if you don’t take quick, quick action.
Cedra: Yes! Of course, Arianne! Of course!
Arianne hands over the note, and Cedra rushes off.
Arianne: Hehehehe. Yaaaas.
The next day. Meal time.
Arianne: Oh hey there. Thanks for the meal. Is Cedra in today?
They don’t respond.
She thinks about throwing her food away, but is super hungry and eats it instead.
The next week.
Arianne: HEY! It’s bath time! You’re not Cedra. Where is Cedra?
They don’t respond.
She takes a big swallow of bath water and spits it into the servant’s face.
The next day.
Arianne: WHERE IS CEDRA?
They don’t respond.
The next day.
Arianne: I DEMAND TO SEE MY FATHER!
They don’t respond.
The next day.
Arianne: I ORDER YOU TO TAKE ME TO PRINCE DORAN!
They don’t respond.
The next day.
Arianne: Pretty please with sugar on top.
They don’t respond.
She throws her food away.
And so it goes on. Day after day. Week after week. She stops eating. She angrily thinks about how much she hates her father. How he continually tried to marry her off to undesirable, old men that she had no interest in. How he never wanted her to succeed, and always planned to have her brother, Quentyn, replace her as the heir to Dorne. Years ago!
She hollers out of the windows, hoping if the other Sand Snakes are imprisoned there that they will respond. But there is nothing except for silence and wind.
She wants to die.
Then one day, the door opens.
Areo Hotah: Hey, your dad wants to see you.
Arianne: WHAT?! You’re talking to me?
Areo: Yeah. Now get a move on it, girl.
And so she finally goes to see her dad. She is happy to be free from her prison, but also furious. She thinks of all the things she’s going to say to him. How she’s going to curse him out so bad.
Then she stands before him. And he looks rough. Really, really bad. The gout has made him much worse than he was before. Frail. Dying. Thin.
Arianne: Fuuuuuck. Dad.
Doran: WHY, ARIANNE? WHY?
Arianne: For the honor of this house! You did NOTHING! NOTHING! You let your sister get murdered! You let your brother get murdered! And what do you do? NOTHING! You let the Lannisters walk all over us. You are weak, father. You shame all of Dorne. But other than that, how is Myrcella doing? Is she dead?
Doran: She is not well, but she is not dead either. She lost an ear and half of her face has been cut off. Which means the REAL PERSON who has shamed Dorne and made us weak is YOU.
Arianne: BS!
Doran: What do you think the Iron Throne will do when they learned what happened to Myrcella? When they see her face! There will be WAR, Arianne. WAR!
Arianne: We will defeat them.
Doran: Do you REALLY think that? You are such an idiot. The Lannisters and their armies will CRUSH US. Do you know how small our armies are? Tiny, in comparison to all of the Northern Kingdoms. Oh yeah, when the Targaryens came to power, we were conquered last. Here in Dorne, we wear that badge with pride. Like we were the strongest and most fierce warriors. Like the Iron Throne was scared of us. We convinced ourselves of that “truth.” But do you know what the REAL truth is? Why Dorne was conquered last? Because we meant the least. We were the least populated of the Seven Kingdoms. The Targaryens delayed conquering Dorne… not because they were scared of us… but because they thought WE DIDN’T EVEN MATTER THAT MUCH. They would get around to us whenever they got around to us.
Arianne: Who betrated me? Was it Darkstar?
Doran says nothing. But just a note, every fan who thinks Darkstar did it is a moron because that makes absolutely no sense.
Doran: Ser Balon Swann of the Kingsguard is coming here to Sunspear. He brings with him the head of The Mountain. Do you know what will happen once he gets here and finds that Myrcella has half of her face cut off?
Arianne: *mumbles quietly* Probably won’t be happy.
Doran: THAT’S RIGHT, DIPSHIT! SO GOOD WORK WITH THAT! I’ve been doing everything I can to delay him. Every city in Dorne he stops by, I have the local lords wine and dine him. They demand to hold feasts in his honor for multiple days. But eventually… he will get here. Nothing can prevent that now. And what should we tell him happened to the princess?
Arianne: Uhm… maybe we can say that Darkstar tried to kill her. And Ser Aerys Oakheart died, valiantly defending her.
Doran: Good. GOOD. RIGHT ANSWER. Maybe you’re not as much of a dipshit as you look. And what will happen when Balon asks Myrcella what happened?
Arianne: Myrcella… she… she trusts me. If I tell her to say that’s what happened, then she will.
Doran: Perhaps, if we are lucky.
Arianne: But now it seems like you NEED ME. I’m the ones holding the cards now, pops. I wanted a war with the Lannisters. And even though it’s not happening the way I wanted… this is still the end result. Why should I help you to PREVENT war? Why should I convince Myrcella to go along with the lie? You don’t care about me. You don’t love me. You’ve been trying to get rid of me for years.
Doran: I have not!
Arianne: What about all those old, nasty men you tried to marry me to?
Doran: Why do you think I chose old, nasty men? Because I knew you would REFUSE THEM. I had other plans.
Arianne: What? Why? What on earth are you talking about?
Doran: Arianne, Arianne, Arianne. I gave you a cyvasse table in your room to play with, did I not?
Arianne: Just call it "chess," dad. Besides... to play against who? I was there alone.
Doran: To play against yourself. To think of strategies. Tactics. Don’t just think about the next move you’re going to make. Think about your oppont’s move after. Think three steps ahead. Four. Five. Six. Think the whole game ahead. War is a game, child. War is cyvasse. If you plan to win a war, you must do that! And I never start a war I cannot win.
Arianne: All you ever do is think. You take no action. What war? You do nothing but bend the knee to the Lannisters and let them humiliate us.
Doran: The war has already begun, Arianne. The Lannisters just don’t know it yet.
Arianne: STOP BEING ALL FUCKING CRYPTIC. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT DAD?
Doran: I wish I could have told my plans to you earlier, but you couldn’t be trusted. You’re too impulsive. And you would have told everyone. All of your friends. I had to keep it from you. But I never knew that YOU’D FUCK EVERYTHING UP THIS BAD, all on your own.
Arianne: What plans? WHAT? JUST TELL ME.
Doran: I could not allow you to marry a Lord, but I had to make it look like I wanted to. Why? Because you were already betrothed to another.
Arianne: Who?
Doran: It doesn’t matter. He’s dead. Someone poured molten gold all over his face.
Arianne: Wait. What? Huh? That’s such a load of nothing. You’ve always wanted to disown me. It’s why you wanted Quentyn to take my place and rule Dorne! It's why he's on that secret mission.
Doran: WHAT? Where did you hear that from? TELL ME!
Arianne: No. But I know about his secret mission to Essos. WHY?! WHY?!
Doran: Daughter, you must tell us how you know these things. It is important.
Arianne: TELL ME WHY QUENTYN IS IN ESSOS.
Doran: To bring us back our heart’s desire!
Arianne: And what is that, father?
Doran: Vengeance, my daughter. Justice. FIRE AND BLOOD.
Arianne: DAMNIT, Doran. You have the same problem that GRRM has. We don’t actually want “Fire and Blood.” We want “The Winds of Winter.”
Doran: No, I mean “fire and blood” as in the motto of the House Targaryen.
Arianne: I’m still not following.
Doran: Who has their face melted off with gold?
Arianne: Uhh… oh yeah… Viserys. WAIT. You wanted to marry me to Viserys Targaryen?!
Doran: Indeed.
Arianne: And if Viserys came back to the Seven Kingdoms… then… he’d… be… king?
Doran: Right. Which would make you…?
Arianne: OH. QUEEN! I’D BE QUEEN! OF THE SEVEN KINGDOMS!
Doran: Yeah. So do you get it now? Your whole life you thought that I was a weak, do-nothing leader who didn’t love you enough. When in reality, I’ve been involved in a multi-decade scheme to dethrone the Baratheons and their Lannister allies, bring the Targaryens back to power, and make you – my daughter – the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms.
Arianne: YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME THIS DAD! JUST THINK HOW MUCH BETTER THIS COULD HAVE GONE IF YOU WOULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME!
Doran: Again, I did NOT expect that you could fuck up things this bad on your own. How would I have known that?
Arianne: But Viserys is dead now.
Doran: Indeed. So plan B. Same deal, but now marrying Quentyn to Viserys’s sister, Dany.
Arianne: Wow. Is EVERYONE heading over to Essos to try to marry Dany?
Doran: Pretty much.
Arianne: Well, I mean that sucks for me. But it shows that you’re really a master manipulator who plays the long game and has complex plots.
Doran: It does.
Arianne: In the TV show you’re just a big, dopey idiot who does nothing.
Doran: The TV show ruined everything about Dorne.
Arianne: No kidding. It left me out. What kind of a giant mistake is that?
Arianne is correct. She is the best.
Anyway, despite her luxury… she still a prisoner. Her father, Doran, will let no man see her or talk to her. Nor will he see her himself.
People give her food.
Arianne: Hey, how is my dad doing?
They don’t answer her. She throws the food away.
The next day.
Arianne: Let my dad know I want to talk to him.
They don’t respond.
She throws her food away.
The next day.
Arianne: Let my dad that I never meant for Myrcella to be harmed!
They don’t respond.
She thinks about throwing the food away, but then eats it because she's hungry and doesn't have the willpower to keep up this hunger strike.
The next day. It’s bath time.
Arianne: Did they ever catch Darkstar?
They don’t respond.
She gets grumpy and throws the bath water in the maid’s face.
The next day. Food time again.
Arianne: What about my friends? Are they imprisoned too? I heard someone say that they were taken to Ghaston Grey. It’s a terrible prison. They’re innocent.
They don’t respond.
She throws her food away.
The next week.
Arianne: Where are the Sand Snakes? Are they okay?
They don’t respond.
She throws her food away.
The next week. Bath time.
Arianne: Oh shit. It’s bath time again. Nothing seems to be working. But the girl giving me the baths is named "Cedra." I vaguely recall hearing some gossip that Cedra popped her cherry with Garin, one of my co-conspirators. Let me try something on her.
Cedra gives her a bath.
Arianne: Oh, hi Cedra. I know you’re not allowed to talk to me. But I’m just getting really worried about all my friends. You know, the ones in Ghaston Grey. I hear that Garin is in there too. They say that place is cold and windy and full of mold. I hear that half of the prisoners there die.
Cedra’s eyes pop open, and she looks super worried. She still doesn’t talk though.
The next week. Bath time again.
Arianne: Hi again, Cedra! Wow, isn’t it hard not talking to me? I mean, what a pain to not share your emotions with someone. I wish I had someone who I could talk to. One of my friends who would talk to me. One of my friends like a Garin. Not that I’m into him or anything. Although he is super cute and handsome. But I told him that once and he politely told me that he was in love with someone else. That he wanted to run away with her and marry her. I don’t know who though. But what a lucky girl, huh? I just want to talk with him as my friend. That will never happen though. Because he’ll probably be dead soon. My father Prince Doran wants him to die in that prison. So sad. And if you think it’s sad for me… just imagine how sad it must be for that other girl, whoever she is. The one that Garin loves.
Cedra gets a nervous tick. She tries to hold it back. But she can’t.
Cedra: OMG! IT’S ME! IT’S ME! GARIN IS IN LOVE WITH ME! I CAN’T LET HIM DIE!
Arianne: WHAAAAAAA? How unexpected! It’s almost as if my past relationship with Arys Oakheart, *ahem*—RIP, my lover—has proven me to be a master emotional manipulator!
Cedra: We can’t let Garin die, Arianne! What can I do to help?
Arianne: Oh. I dunno. Maybe send this secret letter that I’ve written to Lord Franklyn Fowler, asking for him to come rescue me and help break everyone else out of their prisons too. The Sand Snakes. Garin. Especially Garin. Garin who will soon die, if you don’t take quick, quick action.
Cedra: Yes! Of course, Arianne! Of course!
Arianne hands over the note, and Cedra rushes off.
Arianne: Hehehehe. Yaaaas.
The next day. Meal time.
Arianne: Oh hey there. Thanks for the meal. Is Cedra in today?
They don’t respond.
She thinks about throwing her food away, but is super hungry and eats it instead.
The next week.
Arianne: HEY! It’s bath time! You’re not Cedra. Where is Cedra?
They don’t respond.
She takes a big swallow of bath water and spits it into the servant’s face.
The next day.
Arianne: WHERE IS CEDRA?
They don’t respond.
The next day.
Arianne: I DEMAND TO SEE MY FATHER!
They don’t respond.
The next day.
Arianne: I ORDER YOU TO TAKE ME TO PRINCE DORAN!
They don’t respond.
The next day.
Arianne: Pretty please with sugar on top.
They don’t respond.
She throws her food away.
And so it goes on. Day after day. Week after week. She stops eating. She angrily thinks about how much she hates her father. How he continually tried to marry her off to undesirable, old men that she had no interest in. How he never wanted her to succeed, and always planned to have her brother, Quentyn, replace her as the heir to Dorne. Years ago!
She hollers out of the windows, hoping if the other Sand Snakes are imprisoned there that they will respond. But there is nothing except for silence and wind.
She wants to die.
Then one day, the door opens.
Areo Hotah: Hey, your dad wants to see you.
Arianne: WHAT?! You’re talking to me?
Areo: Yeah. Now get a move on it, girl.
And so she finally goes to see her dad. She is happy to be free from her prison, but also furious. She thinks of all the things she’s going to say to him. How she’s going to curse him out so bad.
Then she stands before him. And he looks rough. Really, really bad. The gout has made him much worse than he was before. Frail. Dying. Thin.
Arianne: Fuuuuuck. Dad.
Doran: WHY, ARIANNE? WHY?
Arianne: For the honor of this house! You did NOTHING! NOTHING! You let your sister get murdered! You let your brother get murdered! And what do you do? NOTHING! You let the Lannisters walk all over us. You are weak, father. You shame all of Dorne. But other than that, how is Myrcella doing? Is she dead?
Doran: She is not well, but she is not dead either. She lost an ear and half of her face has been cut off. Which means the REAL PERSON who has shamed Dorne and made us weak is YOU.
Arianne: BS!
Doran: What do you think the Iron Throne will do when they learned what happened to Myrcella? When they see her face! There will be WAR, Arianne. WAR!
Arianne: We will defeat them.
Doran: Do you REALLY think that? You are such an idiot. The Lannisters and their armies will CRUSH US. Do you know how small our armies are? Tiny, in comparison to all of the Northern Kingdoms. Oh yeah, when the Targaryens came to power, we were conquered last. Here in Dorne, we wear that badge with pride. Like we were the strongest and most fierce warriors. Like the Iron Throne was scared of us. We convinced ourselves of that “truth.” But do you know what the REAL truth is? Why Dorne was conquered last? Because we meant the least. We were the least populated of the Seven Kingdoms. The Targaryens delayed conquering Dorne… not because they were scared of us… but because they thought WE DIDN’T EVEN MATTER THAT MUCH. They would get around to us whenever they got around to us.
Arianne: Who betrated me? Was it Darkstar?
Doran says nothing. But just a note, every fan who thinks Darkstar did it is a moron because that makes absolutely no sense.
Doran: Ser Balon Swann of the Kingsguard is coming here to Sunspear. He brings with him the head of The Mountain. Do you know what will happen once he gets here and finds that Myrcella has half of her face cut off?
Arianne: *mumbles quietly* Probably won’t be happy.
Doran: THAT’S RIGHT, DIPSHIT! SO GOOD WORK WITH THAT! I’ve been doing everything I can to delay him. Every city in Dorne he stops by, I have the local lords wine and dine him. They demand to hold feasts in his honor for multiple days. But eventually… he will get here. Nothing can prevent that now. And what should we tell him happened to the princess?
Arianne: Uhm… maybe we can say that Darkstar tried to kill her. And Ser Aerys Oakheart died, valiantly defending her.
Doran: Good. GOOD. RIGHT ANSWER. Maybe you’re not as much of a dipshit as you look. And what will happen when Balon asks Myrcella what happened?
Arianne: Myrcella… she… she trusts me. If I tell her to say that’s what happened, then she will.
Doran: Perhaps, if we are lucky.
Arianne: But now it seems like you NEED ME. I’m the ones holding the cards now, pops. I wanted a war with the Lannisters. And even though it’s not happening the way I wanted… this is still the end result. Why should I help you to PREVENT war? Why should I convince Myrcella to go along with the lie? You don’t care about me. You don’t love me. You’ve been trying to get rid of me for years.
Doran: I have not!
Arianne: What about all those old, nasty men you tried to marry me to?
Doran: Why do you think I chose old, nasty men? Because I knew you would REFUSE THEM. I had other plans.
Arianne: What? Why? What on earth are you talking about?
Doran: Arianne, Arianne, Arianne. I gave you a cyvasse table in your room to play with, did I not?
Arianne: Just call it "chess," dad. Besides... to play against who? I was there alone.
Doran: To play against yourself. To think of strategies. Tactics. Don’t just think about the next move you’re going to make. Think about your oppont’s move after. Think three steps ahead. Four. Five. Six. Think the whole game ahead. War is a game, child. War is cyvasse. If you plan to win a war, you must do that! And I never start a war I cannot win.
Arianne: All you ever do is think. You take no action. What war? You do nothing but bend the knee to the Lannisters and let them humiliate us.
Doran: The war has already begun, Arianne. The Lannisters just don’t know it yet.
Arianne: STOP BEING ALL FUCKING CRYPTIC. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT DAD?
Doran: I wish I could have told my plans to you earlier, but you couldn’t be trusted. You’re too impulsive. And you would have told everyone. All of your friends. I had to keep it from you. But I never knew that YOU’D FUCK EVERYTHING UP THIS BAD, all on your own.
Arianne: What plans? WHAT? JUST TELL ME.
Doran: I could not allow you to marry a Lord, but I had to make it look like I wanted to. Why? Because you were already betrothed to another.
Arianne: Who?
Doran: It doesn’t matter. He’s dead. Someone poured molten gold all over his face.
Arianne: Wait. What? Huh? That’s such a load of nothing. You’ve always wanted to disown me. It’s why you wanted Quentyn to take my place and rule Dorne! It's why he's on that secret mission.
Doran: WHAT? Where did you hear that from? TELL ME!
Arianne: No. But I know about his secret mission to Essos. WHY?! WHY?!
Doran: Daughter, you must tell us how you know these things. It is important.
Arianne: TELL ME WHY QUENTYN IS IN ESSOS.
Doran: To bring us back our heart’s desire!
Arianne: And what is that, father?
Doran: Vengeance, my daughter. Justice. FIRE AND BLOOD.
Arianne: DAMNIT, Doran. You have the same problem that GRRM has. We don’t actually want “Fire and Blood.” We want “The Winds of Winter.”
Doran: No, I mean “fire and blood” as in the motto of the House Targaryen.
Arianne: I’m still not following.
Doran: Who has their face melted off with gold?
Arianne: Uhh… oh yeah… Viserys. WAIT. You wanted to marry me to Viserys Targaryen?!
Doran: Indeed.
Arianne: And if Viserys came back to the Seven Kingdoms… then… he’d… be… king?
Doran: Right. Which would make you…?
Arianne: OH. QUEEN! I’D BE QUEEN! OF THE SEVEN KINGDOMS!
Doran: Yeah. So do you get it now? Your whole life you thought that I was a weak, do-nothing leader who didn’t love you enough. When in reality, I’ve been involved in a multi-decade scheme to dethrone the Baratheons and their Lannister allies, bring the Targaryens back to power, and make you – my daughter – the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms.
Arianne: YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME THIS DAD! JUST THINK HOW MUCH BETTER THIS COULD HAVE GONE IF YOU WOULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME!
Doran: Again, I did NOT expect that you could fuck up things this bad on your own. How would I have known that?
Arianne: But Viserys is dead now.
Doran: Indeed. So plan B. Same deal, but now marrying Quentyn to Viserys’s sister, Dany.
Arianne: Wow. Is EVERYONE heading over to Essos to try to marry Dany?
Doran: Pretty much.
Arianne: Well, I mean that sucks for me. But it shows that you’re really a master manipulator who plays the long game and has complex plots.
Doran: It does.
Arianne: In the TV show you’re just a big, dopey idiot who does nothing.
Doran: The TV show ruined everything about Dorne.
Arianne: No kidding. It left me out. What kind of a giant mistake is that?
Arianne is correct. She is the best.
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