AFfC 45: Samwell V

The Cinnanon Wind sails through the Redwyne Straits, and Sam is freaking out the entire time (of course he is) because the Iron Islanders are sending raiding parties throughout the strait and attacking ships. 

Although the Cinnamon Wind itself isn't attacked, he can see the remnants of previous attacks in the water. Dead bodies floating all around.

Sam: I can see that some of these corpses carry complements of the crows.

*sigh* Yet another almost saying of the book title, but it looks like we're never actually going to say those words together, huh? 

Suddenly, the ship is boarded. 

Sam: OH SHIT! OH NO! OH NO!

But Mr. Coward here has nothing to worry about. It's just an inspection ship from Oldtown. 

Oldtown Coast Guard Captain: Oh hey there. Just confirming that you guys are actually a real trade ship. Sometimes the Ironborn reavers hijack a ship, kill all the crew, and then pretend to be trade ships to infilrate the bay.

Captain Xhondo: Nah, we're legit.

Oldtown Coast Guard Captain: Well, watch your shit. The ironborn now control a shitload of the towns and fortifications surrounding the Arbor and along the Mander. They've taken Ryamsport, Vinetown and Starfish Harbor. Even Oldtown itself remains at risk until Lord Paxter Redwyne can sail his fleet back from Dragonstone. Which should hopefully be soon, because I hear it was captured. Meanwhile, old fucking Lord Leyton Hightower has not left his tower in years and it's been up to his youngest son, Ser Humfrey, to try to protect the place. He's sailed to the Free Cities to hire sellsails.

Xhondo: Thank you for that narrative dump, so that Samwell can all now be aware of the status of things here.

Oldtown Coat Guard Captain: No problem, dude.

Sam: Oh geez. This seems really dangerous. I don't think Gilly will be safe at Horn Hill if things are like this. I might have to escort her there personally for her safety!

Xhondo: Hahaha, Xhondo sees what you are doing there. You are just trying to have sex with her again. Nice try, fatty.

Sam: HEY!

Sam thinks about keeping Gilly with him in Oldtown, but he knows that won't be allowed. 

Once they dock in Oldtown, Sam leaves Gilly on the ship and rushes to the Citdael, hoping not to be recognized by anyone along the way. 

Sam: I'm from around these parts. People might see me and remember me as Lord Tarley's fat, useless son. How embarrassing.

As he walks there, he passes by some gates with a sphinx on them. And the sphinx is explicitly stated as having the body of a lion, wings of an eagle, tail of a serpent, and face of a woman.

Sam reaches the Seneschal's Court, where he meets a clerk.

Sam: Hello there, clerk! I have SUPER IMPORTANT NEWS from the North! The army of the dead are rising to spread cold darkness upon the land. All will perish!

Lorcas the Clerk: Uh huh. Wait over there in that seat. You'll be seen soon.

Sam: Really? I don't get to skip in line? I fucking sailed around from The Wall to come here. It took a really, really long time.

Lorcas: Then I guess you won't mind waiting a little longer then, huh?

Sam sits down and waits. 

And waits. 

And waits. 

He sees people who came in after him be seen first.  He gets up.

Sam: Uhm... EXCUSE ME. I'm not sure you were paying attention, so let me clarify. The Lord Commander of the Night's Watch sent me here along with Maester Aemon. That's Aemon as in AEMON TARGARYEN, brother to a former King of the Seven Kingdoms and family member to several others. Up in the north, a group of evil, supernatural beings with glowing eyes known as "The Others" are rising to invade the Seven Kingdoms. They spread darkness and death and cold wherever they go. They have the power to raise the dead - and those dead become "wights," loyal zombie-followers to the Others who ruthlessly kill others. And what happens to those others killed? They also join the wights and become them. Their armies grow stronger by the day, and they seek to knock down the Wall that protects us.  Meanwhile, across the narrow sea there are stories of Daenerys Targaryen, the last-known heir to the Targaryen line, who has been able to bring three FUCKING REAL DRAGONS back to life.I need to speak with the Seneschal to let him know that--

Loras: --That's nice. Sit the fuck down.

Sam huffs and then sits back down. Someone on a bench close by scootches up to him.

Dornish "Guy": Hey there. I couldn't help but overhear you with that army of the dead and dragon shit. Lorcas is never going to let you in though. That dude is corrupt as fuck. You have to bribe him to let you through.

Sam: How fucked up is that?

Dornish Guy: Pretty fucked up. Oh, and it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Alleras. Alleras the Sphinx.

Sam: OH SHIT! Alleras the Sphinx! Aemon was just talking about a sphinx! And I just passed a sphinx on the way here and the narration explicitly described it with the face of a woman. Like a woman with a dragon-ish, lion-ish, eagle-ish body.

Alleras: Woman's face? *shifty eyes* I wouldn't know anything about that. *deepens voice* Because I'm a dude. Such a dude. I like beers and titties. I'm not Sarella the Sand Snake. Nope.

Sam: Odd.

Alleras: Anyway, what is this sphinx stuff you're talking about?

Sam: Maester Aemon. He said "the sphinx is the riddle, not the riddler."

Alleras: Is that a riddle? A riddle about a riddle?

Sam: *shrugs* Fuck if I know.

Alleras: Seeing the Seneschal will be less than useless. The Archmaesters won't believe or care about anything you say because they are a corrupt, worthless bunch of old book-readers who do nothing. If this story you're telling is true, you need to come with me to the Isle of Ravens to see the Mage.

Sam: The Mage?

Alleras: Archmaester Marwyn.

They head there, and on the way over Sam runs into someone he knows.

Lazy Leo: OH SHIT! FATTY McFATSER! What the fuck are you doing here, Sam?

Sam: Oh fuck. Leo Tyrell? The kid who used to torment me as a child?

Lazy Leo: Dude, EVERYONE used to torment you as a child. That's not even a fair description of me.

But before this old reunion can go further, "the Mage" comes out. 

Marwyn: Dafuq is going on out here?

Alleras: DUDE! You have GOT to hear this crazy story that this Sam kid is talking about. Dragons being alive again. The dead rising. Ice zombies. *wink*wink* Yeah, crazy story that I "just learned about."

Marwyn: OH SHIT! Get in here, dude. And tell me EVERYTHING, Slayer!

He pulls Sam inside and shuts the door. 

Sam: Shit dude. Did you just call me "Slayer?" How did you... how... wait... are those burning obsidian candles?

Marwyn: Yep. All magical and shit. Now TELL ME EVERYTHING.

And so Sam tells him everything. What was happening up on the Wall. The Others. The Wights. The Horn. Stannis and his Red Witch arriving with the glowing, magic sword. His quest to bring Aemon here. Learning about Dany and the dragons. Aemon's death and last words. Well, he tells them ALMOST everything. He leaves some stuff out that he made vows of silence about. Such as helping Bran across the Wall with Coldhands, and swapping out Dalla's baby with Gilly's. He doesn't mention anything about that. 

Sam: ...So anyway, yeah. That's it. Aemon was convinced that Daenerys Targaryen is the fulfillment of the ancient prophecies. Not Stannis. Not Rhaegar. Not Rhagar's son, Aegon.

Marwyn: Prophecies, huh? To quote a famous old philosopher, "Prophecy will bite your dick off every time."

Sam: Is that Aristotle or Saint Thomas Aquinas?

Marwyn: Anyway, it's good that Aemon died before he reached Oldtown, or else these grey sheep who worked here would have probably killed him themselves.

Sam: WHAT?

Marwyn: Who do you think killed all the dragons anyway? The Maesters, that's who. You think they died off all on their own?  The world that the Citadel is trying to build has no place for sorcery, or prophecy, or glass candles. They prefer to keep their head in the sands to the ways of the world. Dragons coming back? That would scare the living shit out of them. Aemon was probably the greatest Maester of them all. Yet he was shipped off north to the Wall to freeze away, rather than being elevated to lead the Maesters years ago. Why? He could not be trusted. No more than I can be trusted by them.

Sam: Well, this seems like a worthless trip then.

Marwyn: Far from it. I will go to Slaver's Bay in Aemon's place, to serve and advise Dany. As for you, Sam. I recommend you stay here and forge your Maester's chain quickly. You will soon be needed on the Wall.

Sam: I... I... I'm scared! Doing things is hard!

Marwyn: Well of course you are scared, dipshit. You're scared of everything. I ask that you speak nothing of these prophecies and dragons to the other archmaesters here. Or else they'll probably poison your food. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be on my way.

He leaves. 

Alleras then comes up to Sam. 

Alleras: That dude is a fucking great, character, huh? I can't believe they left him and me out of the TV show. We are awesome. Just think about them including me in the show. Then their Dorne plotlines would have not sucked so hard. "Bad pussy" indeed. I could be played by... I dunno... My dad is the Red Viper and my mom is from the Summer Isles. Leticia Wright? Zendaya? Amandla Stenberg? Alexandra Shipp?

Sam: I'm sorry... what the hell is happening here?

Alleras: A bit of a confession, Sam. Our meeting was no accident. I didn't just happen upon you. The Mage sent for me to find you before you could see the Archmaesters.

Sam: How? How did you know?

Alleras: Marwyn saw you in the obsidian candle flames. Come. You're going to need some quarters here in Oldtown. I'll show you some available sleeping room.

Alleras takes Sam to a room.

Alleras: You're going to have to have a roomate though. Sorry.

Sam: Oh. Hi there. My name is Sam.

Roomate: Hi Sam. My name is Pate. Pate like as in Spotted Pate the Pig Boy. You know that old story!

Alleras: HEY! Pate... wait a minute... didn't you specifically say that you HATE being compared to Spotted Pate the Pig Boy in your prologue chapter?

Jaqen H'ghar* Pate: Did I?

*Technically not officially confirmed as canon yet, but COME ON people.