The Unsullied bring forward to Dany, Queen of Meereen, the body of one of their own, Stalwart Shield, who has been murdered overnight.
Dany: OH SHIT! Who did this? Is this those fucking “Sons of the Harpy” people who have begun a low-key civil war / insurrection since I took over this city?
Grey Worm: Yep.
Dany: More like “Sons of Bitches,” am I right?
She goes for a high five, and Grey Worm feels compelled to give it to her, despite not truly thinking it was worth it. She freed him from slavery though, so he lets her have it.
Dany: First killing citizens… and now Unsullied soldiers? Not cool. I thought I had won the war for Meereen, but I guess not. I mean… it looks like instead of just winning battles you also have to “win the peace” rather than just moving on to the next city and having it fall into total chaos. It’s like I have to… HEY! WAIT! What is that? In Stalwart Shield’s mouth?
Grey Worm: Oh yeah. It’s the genitals of a goat that were cut off and stuffed in his mouth.
Dany: FUUUCK! That’s graphic. What kind of a sick fuck does that?
Grey Worm: *shrugs*
Dany: Do we have any leads?
Grey Worm: Well, his sword is missing.
Dany: Ugh. Bury this body and investigate who these Sons of the Harpies are. Offer a reward for anyone who can find the sword. That might lead us to the killer. Also, find out anyone who has recently gelded a goat.
Grey Worm nods and heads out to investigate. With the Unsullied leader gone, Ser Barristan Selmy discreetly comes up to Dany.
Barristan: Your Grace, if I might… the Unsullied are fine warriors on the battlefield, but they were not trained to be policemen around a city. They’re not exactly master investigators either. That’s what you’re having them do now. I fear that Stalwart Shield is only the first of many.
Dany: What do you propose instead? That I use fucking DOTHRAKI to be the police and investigate. Hahaha, that will go off well. Why I can just imagine…
Barristan: Weird. And yet compelling enough so that I’d probably watch “Inspector Dothraki” if it were one of the Game of Thrones spinoff shows.
Dany: My point is I have no other options. You want me to use Brown Ben Plumm and the Second Sons? No. Daario Naharis? Please. I wish he was still here, but I sent him out to agree to a trade deal with the Lhazar.
Barristan: M’am, you started touching yourself when you mentioned Daario.
Dany: Oh. Sorry. *sigh*
Dany walks off and prepares for her day ahead. She heads out to the balcony of her great pyramid and watches the dawn break. Viserion flies down to greet her.
Viserion: *squawk* [Translation: Please don’t let the Night King turn me into an ice dragon]
Dany: Oh, cute! Viserion! I wish I could understand what you are saying. You’re getting so big! All three of you are. I bet I’d be able to ride you soon. You guys are getting wild too. Super wild.
Dany then gets dressed (because for some reason, dressing and bathing scenes are always mandatory for her... but GRRM pretends that the scene is necessary by setting up the fact that Meereenese outfits are impractical and easy to trip over), and gets ready to meet all of the petitioners she will have for the day. Basically, being a ruler in the world of the Jingle of Ice and Fire means that you have to sit down and listen to people petition you all day long.
The first two who come up are Reznak mo Reznak (her seneschal) and Skahaz mo Kandaq (a former member of the Sons of the Harpy).
Dany: What the fuck is a seneschal?
The steward of a medieval noble estate, typically in charge of matters like law and justice.
Dany: Oh. Thanks.
You’re welcome.
Reznak: Yo Dany. We heard about what happened to Stalwart Shield.
Skahaz: Yes, a terrible, terrible thing.
Dany: Pfft. Says your Sons of Harpy ass. You’re the fuckers who murdered him.
Skahaz: HEY! I’m not with those guys anymore. I shaved my head and now lead a group called “the Shavepates” who are loyal to you. Not to the old ways here in Meereen. Look, I know who these Sons of the Harpies guys are. They’re all the old slave masters who are angry that their slaves were taken away. I say you take one person from each of the masters’ familes and kill them in retribution. That will teach them a lesson.
Reznak: Whoa, whoa, whoa! That’s a bit crazy, dude.
Dany: I hate to side with Reznak here, because I trust him just about as much as I trust Microsoft Zune to make a comeback. But I agree. That’s too far. Let’s up the reward for any information about the group. Now let’s get on with the petitions for the day.
And so the petitions begin, more formally. First is an envoy from Astapor.
Lord Ghael: Greetings, I bring you a gift from Cleon the Great, as well as an offer.
He puts down the gift. It’s a Microsoft Zune. Dany rolls her eyes.
Dany: Okay, you mentioned an offer too. Is that weirdo going to propose a marriage to me again?
Lord Ghael: No, not this time. Instead he proposes that you two ally to crush Yunkai!
Dany: While I do hate Yunkai since they returned to slavery, like, four minutes after I marched out… so did you guys in Astapor. Although it’s at least a little cool and ironic that the slavery in Astapor is of the old masters. What an inversion! Anyway, I think Astapor would be better off using its money to feed its people rather than wage war. NEXT!
Next is Hizdahr zo Loraq, this noble guy who comes up to Dany almost every day to ask her to reopen Meereen’s fighting pits.
Dany: Oh… let me guess. Reopen the fighting pits?
Hizdahr: Yes!
Dany: No. NEXT!
She kicks him out. Although she also kind of gives a side look at him, seeing that he is not totally unattractive. Her advisors have been telling her that she might need to marry a local noble of Meereen to be seen as less of an outsider and foreigner and make her reign seem more legitimate. She doesn’t really want to, but if she had to… Hizdahr zo Loraq would be the least worst of the options. He’s certainly better than fucking Skahaz, who has already made an offer to her.
Several more petitioners come forward with a bunch of stupid grievances.
A boy complains that his former household slaves killed his father and raped and killed his mother. He demands their execution.
Dany: Well, I’m not Jorah Fucking Mormont, so I’m not cool with the slavery thing. You know how many fucks I give about former slave masters being killed? Zero. I give zero fucks. Bye!
The boy pretends to walk away, but then walks around and tries to attack Dany. Alas, he trips up on his own inpractical outfit (preluded in Dany's extensive "getting dressed" scene) and the soldiers beat him down.
Barristan: So we’re killing this kid who tried to murder you, right?
What Dany Should Have Said: Yes.
What Dany Says: No, it would be a great idea to let his hatred fester and have him grow up to become another Son of the Harpy.
The rest of the day includes a bunch of people complaining about her dragons killing their sheep. They come forward with a bunch of sheep bones as evidence. They’re been set on fire and charred to hell.
Dany: Okay, okay. Whatever. I bet a bunch of these claims are fake. Yes, my dragons are eating a lot of sheep and now everybody has heard that I'm paying people for it. All people have to do is slaughter and eat one of their sheep and then throw some old bones in the fire to make it look like one of my dragons burned them. They they get to have the sheep, but also get a payment for it. But it’s impossible to tell who is lying and who is telling the truth. Pay all these guys for the animals they claimed they have lost, and send them away.
Reznak heads down with the royal coin purse and all the petitioners come up to collect their money and then leave. All but one, who stands there holding the burned bones in his hands.
Dany: Dude, WTF? You want the money or not?
The man walks forward, and throws the charred bones on the floor.
Dany: OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT!
Reznak: Did you hear the Queen, fool? Are you deaf? She said give your bones to me and get paid.
Barristan: Uhm… errm… Reznak… you might want to look down.
Reznak: Look down at whaa----OHHHHH FUCK! THOSE ARE HUMAN CHILD BONES!
Dany: Yeup.
The man begins weeping.
Man: My… *sniff*… my son. The dragon. *cries* The black one… he… he…
Dany: Oh, why’d it have to be the Black one, huh? That’s racist.
The man looks at her, confused.
Dany: Nah, I’m just messing with you dude. Sorry. Really, really, really super sorry for your loss and everything. Oh fuck, man. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck. This is NOT good.
Reznak: So what’s a dead boy worth? Is that like two gold coins instead of one?
Barristan: Probably not a good time, Reznak.
Reznak: Hey! And what's to say this guy didn't just burn his son alive and frame the dragons!
Barristan: Not cool, man. He's standing right there and can hear you.
Dany: I really wish I could get a chapter where nice things happen to me. This one both begun and ended with a dead body being dropped in front of me. Something tells me this is not going to be a good book for Dany!
Dany: OH SHIT! Who did this? Is this those fucking “Sons of the Harpy” people who have begun a low-key civil war / insurrection since I took over this city?
Grey Worm: Yep.
Dany: More like “Sons of Bitches,” am I right?
She goes for a high five, and Grey Worm feels compelled to give it to her, despite not truly thinking it was worth it. She freed him from slavery though, so he lets her have it.
Dany: First killing citizens… and now Unsullied soldiers? Not cool. I thought I had won the war for Meereen, but I guess not. I mean… it looks like instead of just winning battles you also have to “win the peace” rather than just moving on to the next city and having it fall into total chaos. It’s like I have to… HEY! WAIT! What is that? In Stalwart Shield’s mouth?
Grey Worm: Oh yeah. It’s the genitals of a goat that were cut off and stuffed in his mouth.
Dany: FUUUCK! That’s graphic. What kind of a sick fuck does that?
Grey Worm: *shrugs*
Dany: Do we have any leads?
Grey Worm: Well, his sword is missing.
Dany: Ugh. Bury this body and investigate who these Sons of the Harpies are. Offer a reward for anyone who can find the sword. That might lead us to the killer. Also, find out anyone who has recently gelded a goat.
Grey Worm nods and heads out to investigate. With the Unsullied leader gone, Ser Barristan Selmy discreetly comes up to Dany.
Barristan: Your Grace, if I might… the Unsullied are fine warriors on the battlefield, but they were not trained to be policemen around a city. They’re not exactly master investigators either. That’s what you’re having them do now. I fear that Stalwart Shield is only the first of many.
Dany: What do you propose instead? That I use fucking DOTHRAKI to be the police and investigate. Hahaha, that will go off well. Why I can just imagine…
Inspector Dothraki: Greetings citizen, I see you have jaywalked.
Meereen Citizen: Oh yeah, sorry about that, ser. It’s just that there were no chariots coming down the lane and so I figured it would be okay to—
—Inspector Dothraki takes his arakh and beheads the citizen.
Inspector Dothraki: Another case closed!
Barristan: Weird. And yet compelling enough so that I’d probably watch “Inspector Dothraki” if it were one of the Game of Thrones spinoff shows.
Dany: My point is I have no other options. You want me to use Brown Ben Plumm and the Second Sons? No. Daario Naharis? Please. I wish he was still here, but I sent him out to agree to a trade deal with the Lhazar.
Barristan: M’am, you started touching yourself when you mentioned Daario.
Dany: Oh. Sorry. *sigh*
Dany walks off and prepares for her day ahead. She heads out to the balcony of her great pyramid and watches the dawn break. Viserion flies down to greet her.
Viserion: *squawk* [Translation: Please don’t let the Night King turn me into an ice dragon]
Dany: Oh, cute! Viserion! I wish I could understand what you are saying. You’re getting so big! All three of you are. I bet I’d be able to ride you soon. You guys are getting wild too. Super wild.
Dany then gets dressed (because for some reason, dressing and bathing scenes are always mandatory for her... but GRRM pretends that the scene is necessary by setting up the fact that Meereenese outfits are impractical and easy to trip over), and gets ready to meet all of the petitioners she will have for the day. Basically, being a ruler in the world of the Jingle of Ice and Fire means that you have to sit down and listen to people petition you all day long.
The first two who come up are Reznak mo Reznak (her seneschal) and Skahaz mo Kandaq (a former member of the Sons of the Harpy).
Dany: What the fuck is a seneschal?
The steward of a medieval noble estate, typically in charge of matters like law and justice.
Dany: Oh. Thanks.
You’re welcome.
Reznak: Yo Dany. We heard about what happened to Stalwart Shield.
Skahaz: Yes, a terrible, terrible thing.
Dany: Pfft. Says your Sons of Harpy ass. You’re the fuckers who murdered him.
Skahaz: HEY! I’m not with those guys anymore. I shaved my head and now lead a group called “the Shavepates” who are loyal to you. Not to the old ways here in Meereen. Look, I know who these Sons of the Harpies guys are. They’re all the old slave masters who are angry that their slaves were taken away. I say you take one person from each of the masters’ familes and kill them in retribution. That will teach them a lesson.
Reznak: Whoa, whoa, whoa! That’s a bit crazy, dude.
Dany: I hate to side with Reznak here, because I trust him just about as much as I trust Microsoft Zune to make a comeback. But I agree. That’s too far. Let’s up the reward for any information about the group. Now let’s get on with the petitions for the day.
And so the petitions begin, more formally. First is an envoy from Astapor.
Lord Ghael: Greetings, I bring you a gift from Cleon the Great, as well as an offer.
He puts down the gift. It’s a Microsoft Zune. Dany rolls her eyes.
Dany: Okay, you mentioned an offer too. Is that weirdo going to propose a marriage to me again?
Lord Ghael: No, not this time. Instead he proposes that you two ally to crush Yunkai!
Dany: While I do hate Yunkai since they returned to slavery, like, four minutes after I marched out… so did you guys in Astapor. Although it’s at least a little cool and ironic that the slavery in Astapor is of the old masters. What an inversion! Anyway, I think Astapor would be better off using its money to feed its people rather than wage war. NEXT!
Next is Hizdahr zo Loraq, this noble guy who comes up to Dany almost every day to ask her to reopen Meereen’s fighting pits.
Dany: Oh… let me guess. Reopen the fighting pits?
Hizdahr: Yes!
Dany: No. NEXT!
She kicks him out. Although she also kind of gives a side look at him, seeing that he is not totally unattractive. Her advisors have been telling her that she might need to marry a local noble of Meereen to be seen as less of an outsider and foreigner and make her reign seem more legitimate. She doesn’t really want to, but if she had to… Hizdahr zo Loraq would be the least worst of the options. He’s certainly better than fucking Skahaz, who has already made an offer to her.
Several more petitioners come forward with a bunch of stupid grievances.
A boy complains that his former household slaves killed his father and raped and killed his mother. He demands their execution.
Dany: Well, I’m not Jorah Fucking Mormont, so I’m not cool with the slavery thing. You know how many fucks I give about former slave masters being killed? Zero. I give zero fucks. Bye!
The boy pretends to walk away, but then walks around and tries to attack Dany. Alas, he trips up on his own inpractical outfit (preluded in Dany's extensive "getting dressed" scene) and the soldiers beat him down.
Barristan: So we’re killing this kid who tried to murder you, right?
What Dany Should Have Said: Yes.
What Dany Says: No, it would be a great idea to let his hatred fester and have him grow up to become another Son of the Harpy.
The rest of the day includes a bunch of people complaining about her dragons killing their sheep. They come forward with a bunch of sheep bones as evidence. They’re been set on fire and charred to hell.
Dany: Okay, okay. Whatever. I bet a bunch of these claims are fake. Yes, my dragons are eating a lot of sheep and now everybody has heard that I'm paying people for it. All people have to do is slaughter and eat one of their sheep and then throw some old bones in the fire to make it look like one of my dragons burned them. They they get to have the sheep, but also get a payment for it. But it’s impossible to tell who is lying and who is telling the truth. Pay all these guys for the animals they claimed they have lost, and send them away.
Reznak heads down with the royal coin purse and all the petitioners come up to collect their money and then leave. All but one, who stands there holding the burned bones in his hands.
Dany: Dude, WTF? You want the money or not?
The man walks forward, and throws the charred bones on the floor.
Dany: OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT!
Reznak: Did you hear the Queen, fool? Are you deaf? She said give your bones to me and get paid.
Barristan: Uhm… errm… Reznak… you might want to look down.
Reznak: Look down at whaa----OHHHHH FUCK! THOSE ARE HUMAN CHILD BONES!
Dany: Yeup.
The man begins weeping.
Man: My… *sniff*… my son. The dragon. *cries* The black one… he… he…
Dany: Oh, why’d it have to be the Black one, huh? That’s racist.
The man looks at her, confused.
Dany: Nah, I’m just messing with you dude. Sorry. Really, really, really super sorry for your loss and everything. Oh fuck, man. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck. This is NOT good.
Reznak: So what’s a dead boy worth? Is that like two gold coins instead of one?
Barristan: Probably not a good time, Reznak.
Reznak: Hey! And what's to say this guy didn't just burn his son alive and frame the dragons!
Barristan: Not cool, man. He's standing right there and can hear you.
Dany: I really wish I could get a chapter where nice things happen to me. This one both begun and ended with a dead body being dropped in front of me. Something tells me this is not going to be a good book for Dany!
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