Flashback to when we last saw Varamyr Sixskins…
Varamyr Sixskins is in the body of his wolf, named One Eye. He and his pack hunt down and eat some humans, including three men and a baby.
Steve Gutenberg, Tom Selleck, Ted Danson, and a Baby: AGHHH!!! AGHHH!!
No wait. Sorry. That was wrong. It was actually two men, one woman, and a baby. Anyway, it’s nasty. Varamyr snaps out of his wolf and returns to his sad, pathetic human life. He’s inside of a freezing cold hut. There is a small fire inside, but it’s quickly dying.
Varamyr: I was born as a skinchanger. I’ve always been a skinchanger. My parents abandoned me as a child when they learned what I was. When I ate my brother, bump, as a wolf. They gave me to a man who named Haggon, another skinchanger who taught me the ways of the world. He taught me what animals I should warg into and what animals I should never warg into. He taught me that it was an abomination to eat human flesh while in an animal’s body. But the taste… the taste is so good. So warm and fresh. There is no food for me, Varamyr the human to have. But I can eat when I’m a wolf. I can eat these fellow humans that surround me. The other Free Folk who fled when Stannis’s army attacked us. My fellow refugees. Now trapped north of the Wall and running out of resources. We’re surrounded. Stannis and the Night’s Watch to the south. The army of the Others to the north. There is no hope.
Ugh. Jesus. Are we going to get your whole fucking life story, Varamyr?
Varamyr: Yes. That’s the point. It’s my POV chapter! So I get to tell the story of how I came to be! You see… Haggon taught me other things too. He taught me that it was an abomination to take over the body of a human too. But sometimes I do that as well. Well screw Haggon. I killed him and eat his heart when I was a wolf. Haggon had warned me not to spend much time in the wolf. He said the longer I spent in wolves, the more I would become lost inside of the wolf. And that’s true. That’s probably why I ate my little brother. But he was flesh and I was a wolf. I was…
Boring.
Varamyr: HEY! Shut up, narrator. Now, as I was saying, sometimes I warg into humans. There was this woman who was fleeing with me. Her name was Thistle. My body is weak and dying. I’m probably going to die soon. I should have just warged into her when I had the chance. She said she’d come back for me and that she was looking for food. She probably lied and is never coming back. Damnit. I should have known better and taken her over there. I guess there is still One Eye. I can warg into him when I die and be a wolf forever. You know what would have really been awesome though? If I could have warged into the dirwolf. Yeah, when that Jon Snow kid showed up I had a chance to take that direwolf. But Mance wouldn't let me. Now that would have been a second life worthy of a king!
Hahaha, I see what you did there. "Worthy of a king." I get it it. Because it's Jon Snow's direwolf and he'll actually be revealed as the true king to the Iron Throne, the heir of Rhaegar.
Vayamyr: Yeah, heh.
Good one, Eagle Fucker.
Varamyr: HEY! I’m not an Eagle Fucker! Me and that eagle had a fine relationship. After his last warg died, I took him over. But I died in that fire. It was the most painful death I’ve ever suffered inside of an animal I warged into. It wasn’t the first though. I’ve died many times before. The first time was…
NO. I’M ENDING THIS. Let’s move on!
Varamyr: But I…
SHUT UP! I’m going to cut in and explain some brief things that happened, in-between A Storm of Swords 73 and now. Basically, it’s not much. All these pussies turned and ran from Stannis. Their numbers have been dwindling as they all got separated and died from hunger. And that’s about all you have to know. You don’t have to know about Varamyr’s childhood, parents, brother or teacher. You don’t have to know the names of all the animals that Varamyr has warged into in his life. You don’t have to know the extensive list of what animals Varamyr’s teacher told him were off-limits to warg into. You’re not going to heat Varamyr talk about his rise to power, how he went from a nobody to one of the most trusted leaders of Mance’s armies. Nor will you hear him mope about his downfall from great leader to a sick, dying coward who don’t admit to others who he used to be. Nobody knows that he’s the famous Sixskins now. But I’m doing going into detail any of that. Why? Because it just doesn’t matter. Varamyr is going to die soon anyway.
Varamyr: WHAT?!
I mean you’re a Prologue POV chapter guy. What do you think is going to happen?
Varamyr: I’m going to live a long time?
No. Who was the Prologue POV in A Game of Thrones?
Varamyr: Will, the Ranger of the Nights Watch.
And what happened to him?
Varamyr: He was killed by The Others.
Who was the Prologue POV in A Clash of Kings?
Varamyr: Maester Cressen.
And what happened to him?
Varamyr: He drank his own poison and died while trying unsuccessfully to kill Melisandre.
Who was the Prologue POV in A Storm of Swords?
Varamyr: Chett, the traitor who was in a plot to betray the Night’s Watch.
And what happened to him?
Varamyr: Killed. Sam Tarly fought his undead corpse, transformed into a Wight. He gets pecked up by a bunch of crows as Coldhands rescues Sam.
Who was the Prologue POV in A Feast for Crows?
Varamyr: Pate the Novice of Oldtown.
And what happens to him?
Varamyr: He’s murdered and replaced by someone who’s description closely matches the face that Jaqen H’agar last took and who says he is “No One.”
And last… who is the Prologue POV of A Dance with Dragons?
Varamyr: Me.
And what do you think happens to you, based on what happens to everyone else?
Varamyr: FUUUUUUUUCK!
The fire in Varamyr’s hut finally dies and the true cold starts to creep inside.
Varamyr: Looks like I’m gone for now. Yep, it’s all over for old Varamyr Sixsl—
Thistle runs into the hut.
Thistle: They’re coming! They’re coming! COME ON! We’ve got to leave! There are HUNDREDS OF THEM?!
Varamyr: Oh shit! You came back for me, Thistle!
Thistle: Of course I did.
Varamyr: Mwahaha, perfect.
He tries to warg into her. She feels it.
Thistle: AGGHHHH!!! AGHHHHH! WHAT THE FUCK?! AGGHHHH!!!!!
She starts to claw at her own face, fighting him off. In the struggle, she bites off her own tongue and he tastes the blood in her mouth. She falls to the ground, dying. But she takes his stupid ass out with her.
But Varamyr knows that his body is now lost too. He’ll be dead in minutes, at maximum. Now with Thistle dead, his last chance to live on is through his wolf, One Eye.
Varamyr: Well fuck you, narrator. I’m not going to die. I’ll prove you wrong. None of those other Prologue POV assholes had warg powers. But I do. This body may die… but I will not! Varamyr Sixskins will live on through One Eye the Wolf!
And so he wargs into One Eye for a final time. As he does so, his body dies.
One Eye / Varamyr: *HOWL* [Translation: Hahaha! Yeah! Still alive, motherfuckers! But now I’m a wolf. Haggon warned me that if I do this, I’ll eventually be lost and become “all wolf.” But what does he know?]
One Eye / Varamyr trots back to the villiage and hut that he died in. Maybe he could eat his own dead body or something. Why waste flesh? Sort of fucking morbid, right? But you gotta do what you gotta do to survive. He could eat Thistle instead too, he guesses.
But when he and his pack gets to a hill above the village, the whole place is filled with Wights.
One Eye / Varamyr: Woof. [Translation: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!]
In the distance, a great elk trumpets, unsettling the children clinging to its back. A sleeping direwolf raises his head to snarls at empty air.
One Eye / Varamyr: Bark! [Translation: Oh sweet! A reference to Bran, Jojen, Meera, Coldhands, his elk, and Summer. I guess we'll be reading about them pretty soon!]
One Eye / Varamyr looks down at the village, but the wights look back up. He sees one of the wights. It’s Thistle. But now she’s a wight. She looks right at him.
One Eye / Varamyr: *whimper* [OH FUCK! OH FUCK! OH SHIT! SHE SEE’S ME! SHE SEES ME! AGHHHHHHHH! RUN! RUN, MY PACK OF WOLVES! FUCKING RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!]
As the mystery forces approach, Mance’s army falls into disarray. Some start attacking and get killed.And now… well… is now…
Soldier: Iron men! Iron men surrounding the camp!
Jon: What. You mean, like, from the Iron Isles?
Soldier: No. Just men wearing iron.
Jon: Oh.
Mance: Ugh. Damnit. What the hell is going on? I need to investigate and lead these men. Varamyr!!! Watch Jon!
Varamyr: Ugh. Really? I have the power to go inside of an eagle and you want me to just watch this traitor dude?
Tormund: *giggles* Eagle fucker!
Varamyr: *sigh* I think I’ll just go into the Eagle anyw---AGHHH!!!!
Jon watches as the eagle suddenly and mysteriously BURSTS INTO FUCKING FLAMES!
Varamyr: IT BURNS! IT BURNS! AGH!
Jon: Holy shit, that is crazy. Did anyone else see that? That eagle just spontaneously combusted.
Varamyr Sixskins is in the body of his wolf, named One Eye. He and his pack hunt down and eat some humans, including three men and a baby.
Steve Gutenberg, Tom Selleck, Ted Danson, and a Baby: AGHHH!!! AGHHH!!
No wait. Sorry. That was wrong. It was actually two men, one woman, and a baby. Anyway, it’s nasty. Varamyr snaps out of his wolf and returns to his sad, pathetic human life. He’s inside of a freezing cold hut. There is a small fire inside, but it’s quickly dying.
Varamyr: I was born as a skinchanger. I’ve always been a skinchanger. My parents abandoned me as a child when they learned what I was. When I ate my brother, bump, as a wolf. They gave me to a man who named Haggon, another skinchanger who taught me the ways of the world. He taught me what animals I should warg into and what animals I should never warg into. He taught me that it was an abomination to eat human flesh while in an animal’s body. But the taste… the taste is so good. So warm and fresh. There is no food for me, Varamyr the human to have. But I can eat when I’m a wolf. I can eat these fellow humans that surround me. The other Free Folk who fled when Stannis’s army attacked us. My fellow refugees. Now trapped north of the Wall and running out of resources. We’re surrounded. Stannis and the Night’s Watch to the south. The army of the Others to the north. There is no hope.
Ugh. Jesus. Are we going to get your whole fucking life story, Varamyr?
Varamyr: Yes. That’s the point. It’s my POV chapter! So I get to tell the story of how I came to be! You see… Haggon taught me other things too. He taught me that it was an abomination to take over the body of a human too. But sometimes I do that as well. Well screw Haggon. I killed him and eat his heart when I was a wolf. Haggon had warned me not to spend much time in the wolf. He said the longer I spent in wolves, the more I would become lost inside of the wolf. And that’s true. That’s probably why I ate my little brother. But he was flesh and I was a wolf. I was…
Boring.
Varamyr: HEY! Shut up, narrator. Now, as I was saying, sometimes I warg into humans. There was this woman who was fleeing with me. Her name was Thistle. My body is weak and dying. I’m probably going to die soon. I should have just warged into her when I had the chance. She said she’d come back for me and that she was looking for food. She probably lied and is never coming back. Damnit. I should have known better and taken her over there. I guess there is still One Eye. I can warg into him when I die and be a wolf forever. You know what would have really been awesome though? If I could have warged into the dirwolf. Yeah, when that Jon Snow kid showed up I had a chance to take that direwolf. But Mance wouldn't let me. Now that would have been a second life worthy of a king!
Hahaha, I see what you did there. "Worthy of a king." I get it it. Because it's Jon Snow's direwolf and he'll actually be revealed as the true king to the Iron Throne, the heir of Rhaegar.
Vayamyr: Yeah, heh.
Good one, Eagle Fucker.
Varamyr: HEY! I’m not an Eagle Fucker! Me and that eagle had a fine relationship. After his last warg died, I took him over. But I died in that fire. It was the most painful death I’ve ever suffered inside of an animal I warged into. It wasn’t the first though. I’ve died many times before. The first time was…
NO. I’M ENDING THIS. Let’s move on!
Varamyr: But I…
SHUT UP! I’m going to cut in and explain some brief things that happened, in-between A Storm of Swords 73 and now. Basically, it’s not much. All these pussies turned and ran from Stannis. Their numbers have been dwindling as they all got separated and died from hunger. And that’s about all you have to know. You don’t have to know about Varamyr’s childhood, parents, brother or teacher. You don’t have to know the names of all the animals that Varamyr has warged into in his life. You don’t have to know the extensive list of what animals Varamyr’s teacher told him were off-limits to warg into. You’re not going to heat Varamyr talk about his rise to power, how he went from a nobody to one of the most trusted leaders of Mance’s armies. Nor will you hear him mope about his downfall from great leader to a sick, dying coward who don’t admit to others who he used to be. Nobody knows that he’s the famous Sixskins now. But I’m doing going into detail any of that. Why? Because it just doesn’t matter. Varamyr is going to die soon anyway.
Varamyr: WHAT?!
I mean you’re a Prologue POV chapter guy. What do you think is going to happen?
Varamyr: I’m going to live a long time?
No. Who was the Prologue POV in A Game of Thrones?
Varamyr: Will, the Ranger of the Nights Watch.
And what happened to him?
Varamyr: He was killed by The Others.
Who was the Prologue POV in A Clash of Kings?
Varamyr: Maester Cressen.
And what happened to him?
Varamyr: He drank his own poison and died while trying unsuccessfully to kill Melisandre.
Who was the Prologue POV in A Storm of Swords?
Varamyr: Chett, the traitor who was in a plot to betray the Night’s Watch.
And what happened to him?
Varamyr: Killed. Sam Tarly fought his undead corpse, transformed into a Wight. He gets pecked up by a bunch of crows as Coldhands rescues Sam.
Who was the Prologue POV in A Feast for Crows?
Varamyr: Pate the Novice of Oldtown.
And what happens to him?
Varamyr: He’s murdered and replaced by someone who’s description closely matches the face that Jaqen H’agar last took and who says he is “No One.”
And last… who is the Prologue POV of A Dance with Dragons?
Varamyr: Me.
And what do you think happens to you, based on what happens to everyone else?
Varamyr: FUUUUUUUUCK!
The fire in Varamyr’s hut finally dies and the true cold starts to creep inside.
Varamyr: Looks like I’m gone for now. Yep, it’s all over for old Varamyr Sixsl—
Thistle runs into the hut.
Thistle: They’re coming! They’re coming! COME ON! We’ve got to leave! There are HUNDREDS OF THEM?!
Varamyr: Oh shit! You came back for me, Thistle!
Thistle: Of course I did.
Varamyr: Mwahaha, perfect.
He tries to warg into her. She feels it.
Thistle: AGGHHHH!!! AGHHHHH! WHAT THE FUCK?! AGGHHHH!!!!!
She starts to claw at her own face, fighting him off. In the struggle, she bites off her own tongue and he tastes the blood in her mouth. She falls to the ground, dying. But she takes his stupid ass out with her.
But Varamyr knows that his body is now lost too. He’ll be dead in minutes, at maximum. Now with Thistle dead, his last chance to live on is through his wolf, One Eye.
Varamyr: Well fuck you, narrator. I’m not going to die. I’ll prove you wrong. None of those other Prologue POV assholes had warg powers. But I do. This body may die… but I will not! Varamyr Sixskins will live on through One Eye the Wolf!
And so he wargs into One Eye for a final time. As he does so, his body dies.
One Eye / Varamyr: *HOWL* [Translation: Hahaha! Yeah! Still alive, motherfuckers! But now I’m a wolf. Haggon warned me that if I do this, I’ll eventually be lost and become “all wolf.” But what does he know?]
One Eye / Varamyr trots back to the villiage and hut that he died in. Maybe he could eat his own dead body or something. Why waste flesh? Sort of fucking morbid, right? But you gotta do what you gotta do to survive. He could eat Thistle instead too, he guesses.
But when he and his pack gets to a hill above the village, the whole place is filled with Wights.
One Eye / Varamyr: Woof. [Translation: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!]
In the distance, a great elk trumpets, unsettling the children clinging to its back. A sleeping direwolf raises his head to snarls at empty air.
One Eye / Varamyr: Bark! [Translation: Oh sweet! A reference to Bran, Jojen, Meera, Coldhands, his elk, and Summer. I guess we'll be reading about them pretty soon!]
One Eye / Varamyr looks down at the village, but the wights look back up. He sees one of the wights. It’s Thistle. But now she’s a wight. She looks right at him.
One Eye / Varamyr: *whimper* [OH FUCK! OH FUCK! OH SHIT! SHE SEE’S ME! SHE SEES ME! AGHHHHHHHH! RUN! RUN, MY PACK OF WOLVES! FUCKING RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!]
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